Say what you like about Dancing With The Stars, but you can’t deny that it loves its physically-impaired contestants.
In recent years, Dancing With The Stars contestants have included one-legged Heather Mills, constantly-fainting Marie Osmond and Mel B – a woman so harrowingly northern that there’ll soon be a all-star charity concert held to stop her eating tripe and breeding greyhounds.
And this year’s Dancing With The Stars is no different – contestants include 82-year-old Cloris Leachman, recent heart-scare patient Toni Braxton and Kim Kardashian, who suffers from a rare arse disorder called Booty Tumours. Or she doesn’t. Let’s not pretend that we care about any of this, shall we.
Of all the shows we’ve never watched because the thought of it makes us want to petrol-bomb an orphanage, our favourite has to be Dancing With The Stars. It’s basically a lot like Strictly Come Dancing, but without the scouse lady judge who looks like angry kebab meat. And it’s American, so it’s clearly better.
No really, it is. Who was on the last season of Strictly Come Dancing? That woman from Mis-Teeq and an infuriatingly smug ladyboy from EastEnders. Meanwhile Dancing With The Stars had Steve Guttenburg and apple-faced collapser Marie Osmond. Is it even possible to top a confusing bundle of ninnies like that? In short, no. Or yes. It pretty much depends on how much you like watching people who used to be in Dynasty clip-clop around dressed like poverty-stricken drag queens.
The contestants for the new season of Dancing With The Stars were revealed yesterday and, boy oh boy, are they ever, um, people. Here are the new Dancing With The Stars stars, in glorious alphabetical order:
Lance Bass – Lance is gay, so he obviously loves to dance. He was also in N’Sync, so he obviously loves to dance. He’s also failed to find any kind of successful solo project, so it’s either this or one of those other reality TV shows about masturbating farmyard animals. But, really, he does love to dance.
Toni Braxton – Toni Braxton recently had a heart scare, making her Dancing With The Stars Contestant Who Might Literally Drop Dead At Any Second Number One.
Brooke Burke – A woman who you get the feeling you should recognise, but have no idea why.
Rocco Dispirito – A man who you’ve never heard of, don’t care why and who only gets close to the term ‘star’ because of his judderingly stupid name.
Maurice Green – Like Usain Bolt except he’s a) not as fast, b) not as famous and c) on a rubbish reality TV show instead of being an eternal Olympic hero.
Kim Kardashian – You’ve seen what she looks like when she has sex. You have. You have. Why are you acting like you haven’t? Don’t make us come over there and search your hard drive.
Cloris Leachman – As well as being the star of Young Frankenstein, Cloris Leachman is also 82 years old making her Dancing With The Stars Contestant Who Might Literally Drop Dead At Any Second Number Two.
Codey Linley – A Hannah Montana star who desn’t take semi-naked pictures of himself in the shower? Well we’ll be jiggered.
Susan Lucci – Apparently ‘the most famous face in daytime television history’, which must be true because she’s doing Dancing With The Stars with Rocco Dispirito. Rocco Dispirito!
Misty May-Treanor – She just won a gold medal for beach volleyball at the Olympics. Was that the height of her career? No way, because as prestigious as becoming an Olympic legend is, it doesn’t involve doing anything with anyone called Rocco Dispirito. Rocco Dispirito!
Ted McGinley – Some bloke.
Jeffrey Ross – Known as The Roastmaster General. Not because of his constant appearances on comedy roasts, but because once he ate 63 Yorkshire puddings in a 48-hour timespan. Gosh!
Warren Sapp – Dancing With The Stars Contestant Who Might Literally Drop Dead At Any Second Number Three because life is naught but a book that ends without warning. Also, we don’t know who Warren Sapp is.
Sue Thonn says
You know, whoever wrote this column needs to leave Marie Osmond alone. I mean your dates probably faint just like she did when they see your ass for the first time! So go and find something constructive to do like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge!
tony says
i give marie cheers because of what she went thru losing her mom troubel with one of her sons and passing out she is a trooper and a good dancer go marie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!