Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry – look at Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.
Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.
Although there's so much to mock Tom Cruise for – his tiny height, his weird sincerity, his constant whooping, Lions For Lambs – people return again and again to Scientology as a stick to beat him with and, since his only defenders are Will Smith and David Beckham, it has to be a lonely place for him to be.
The problem with Scientology is that it's so secretive – whereby in Christianity children are taught from an early age that the world was made when an all-powerful fairy invented everything and that his hippy son embarked on a short-lived apprenticeship once, Scientologists have to earn their knowledge. And it's that sort of secrecy which has allowed Andrew Morton's recently-published book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography to cause such a stir.
Playing on the public's long-held suspicions about Tom Cruise – that nobody could be that intensely oversincere all the time and be remotely normal – Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography features interviews with old neighbours and friends and narked-off former Scientologists to paint a picture of Tom Cruise complete with all sorts of outlandish remarks that have got Cruise's lawyer coiled like a snake.
In particular, there's a line in the Tom Cruise biography that hints at claims that Tom's daughter Suri Cruise was created using Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's dead sperm:
"Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard's spirit when he returned around the galaxy."
And that, along with claims that Tom Cruise is the Scientologist second in command, has caused Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields to speak out. He said:
"His book is a rehash of tired old lies about Tom and his religion, some new grotesque lies, like the sick comparison of his child to 'Rosemary's Baby' and the nutty assertion that he's the No 2 head of the Church of Scientology. He (Morton) has made a number of claims that are false and demonstrably so. Clearly the book is actionable, but I'm not commenting on anything to do with legal issues."
Of course, we're almost completely certain that Tom Cruise didn't stuff Katie Holmes full of L Ron Hubbard's sperm. Just look at Suri Cruise – she looks so much like Tom Cruise that we keep half expecting her to leap around on a sofa whooping like an air raid siren any minute now.
Plus, Suri Cruise can't be made of L Ron Hubbard's sperm, because as far as we know we're the only ones who own a canister of it. Where else did you think we got that idea for pesto seasoning idea from? Seriously, you haven't lived until you've tried our sour cream, pesto and dead old man's dried-up jizz dip, you really haven't.
Read more:
Harry says
While “all-powerful fairy” might be a humorous way to describe God, yet it may be more accurate than inaccurate. The Buddhists refer to God as the “AllGood”, which is a lovely name, and the Hindus refer to God as “That”, which is not so lovely but somewhat more scientific. Jesus always referred to God as “the Father”, and Lao-tse contented himself with observing that “those who know do not say”. More than ordinarily profound metaphysicians refer to God as “Mind”, which is at least a common denominator to all other appelations, and is probably the best definition we can come up with at present. Mind and order are terms that mutually define each other, and may perhaps also define God, but Mind also implies thoughts and feelings — thoughts and feelings that are “AllGood”. Perhaps we should listen to persons, organizations and nations that have made a profession of meditating upon God, since we have not done so to any extent, and when they say that God exists and is the sum total of goodness, we could begin our cogitations there. Taking the entire Cosmos, with its center everywhere and its circumference nowhere, and calling all creation only a thought within Mind, does call up a sort of fairyland in the consciousness.
Gilbert Wham says
“Perhaps we should listen to persons, organizations and nations that have made a profession of meditating upon God”
Or, perhaps, we could roundly tell them to fuck off, as you are talking a load of pseud nonsense.
Cirt says
(The book) “Tom Cruise” begins, ”If truth be told, Tom Cruise Mapother IV has always been something of a ladies’ man” (should any biographer open with ”if truth be told”?) and ends with this thunderclap: ”Perhaps the most complex character he has ever played is Tom Cruise himself.” Between those sentences resides a 323-page air sandwich.
That’s how Entertainment Weekly (http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20170021,00.html?print) just saved me from spending a good two movie tickets for a trashy book.
Joxe Arkaitz says
It’s hilarious to see how easy is to brainwash people. Apparently someone has been busy inventing nonsenses about Tom Cruise and throwing them to the press people for years and it’s Andrew Mortons turn now – the man just invented a Tom Cruise biography. The funniest thing of this all is that the media believe the lies and publish them and part of the public fall in the trap too. I wonder who is crazy here… We have seen so many lies published about Tom Cruise in the last couple of years like the placenta story and that Suri didn’t exist that I wonder how some people can still believe those crazy stories… What’s next? That Katie Holmes is actually the daughter of Snow White? Or that Tom Cruise was made of wood and then became human like Pinocchio? Any media reporting those lies should be ashamed. And the people believing them should seriously worry about their mental health.
kk says
Suri is a clone