Few moments are as iconic as when Tom Cruise jumped all over Oprah Winfrey’s couch in 2005 – and by ‘iconic’ we obviously mean ‘nightmarishly creepy’.
But, really, Tom Cruise’s appearance on Oprah left so many important questions unanswered. Questions like ‘What’s going on?’, ‘Does Tom Cruise honestly believe that this is good for his career?’, ‘Why am I watching Oprah?’, ‘What happened to my self-respect?’ and ‘I’m so alone. Why am I so very alone?’
Well now those questions are about to be answered, because Tom Cruise is about to spectacularly return to Oprah in a two-part special starting next week. It’s literally going to be the greatest television event starring two raging, power-crazed egotists ever broadcast exclusively to an audience of lazy housewives and housebound alcoholics. Ever.
When Tom Cruise spazzed about on Oprah dementedly declaring his love for Katie Holmes three years ago, it was quite a worrying sight. Not because we were watching a megastar’s mind unspooling in front our very eyes, but because he was getting all excited about Katie Holmes – a woman so dull that the most excited response she’d elicited from anyone in the past was a semi-convincing shrug.
It was weird, and it didn’t do either Tom Cruise or Oprah any good. The appearance put people off Tom Cruise to such an extent that he ended up getting sacked by Paramount because all women hate him so much, and without Tom Cruise stopping by regularly, Oprah Winfrey had nothing better to do than go to Africa and inadvertantly fund child abuse.
It even turned Tom Cruise and Oprah against each other, with Tom not even inviting Oprah to his wedding. But now it looks like the war is over, because – as the Associated Press reports – Tom Cruise is going back for more:
Friends and colleagues will surprise Cruise with taped messages honoring his work in movies, according to a statement Thursday from Harpo Productions. Winfrey will interview Cruise from his home in Telluride, Colo., for the first show on May 2, which will cover his “family, his life and the future,” Harpo said. Then on May 5, Cruise will appear in Winfrey’s Chicago studio.
Sounds like unmissable entertainment – although we’ll just hazard a guess that the ‘friends and colleagues’ will include John Travolta, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez, Kirstie Alley and the woman from King of Queens for some reason or other – and we’re especially looking forward to the bit where Tom Cruise will discuss his future, because we all love watching grown men look fearful and quietly mouth ‘I don’t know’ six or seven times in a row, don’t we?
But why now? Why has Tom Cruise decided to make his return to Oprah next week, other than because it’s Sweeps week? Is it because he’s decided to celebrate the embarrassing rescheduling of his comeback movie? The rumours of impending divorce? No, it’s because Risky Business came out 25 years ago.
Great! If that’s the case we can’t wait to see what Tom Cruise does in 2015 to mark the 25th anniversary of Days Of Thunder – we expect it’ll involve mournfully drinking a can of White Lightning in a Matalan car park at 3am or something equally glamorous.
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