Oh Tiger Woods, how could we ever stay mad at you? Look at you, you big lug, with your weird face and worn-out genitals.
You’re just adorable. Oh Tiger Woods, you know there’s just something about a man who’d probably try to hump your leg if you left it there for long enough – or would almost definitely try and shove his willy into a cactus if you smeared a bit of lipstick on it – that just drives women wild. And as for all your rampant untrustworthiness? Hoo boy, you’re a keeper Tiger Woods. A keeper.
That’s according to Tiger Woods’s wife Elin Nordegren anyway. She’s apparently decided not to take the option that involves divorcing Tiger Woods, taking $300 million of his money and being happy, and gone with the trusty old option of sticking with him and slowly being driven into insanity by all the constant suspicion. Clever girl.
There’s nothing worse than being a child of divorce. It’s horrible – especially when your billionaire father keeps trying to buy your affection by lavishing you with every present you could possibly wish for, not to mention when your mother who was given several hundred million dollars in the divorce keeps taking you on mindblowing holidays because she wrongly thinks that you secretly blame her for the split. Yup, being a child of divorce is hard.
Much harder, in fact, that growing up in a household full of icy silences, simmering resentment and a compulsive fear of intimacy. That’s a breeze. And that’s apparently why Elin Nordegren has decided to reverse her decision to divorce Tiger Woods over his determination to have it off with every single living organism on the face of the planet. People reports:
Elin Nordegren is hoping to save her marriage to Tiger Woods because she doesn’t want to raise their two children without a father.? “Elin wants a solid family life,” a source says. “She was a child of divorce and felt her dad slighted her. She absolutely does not want that to happen to Sam and Charlie. So she wants to keep her family together even if she and Tiger live together as friends instead of lovers.”
Now this might sound like the stupidest idea in the history of mankind – on the basis that Tiger Woods would probably start shagging a binbag full of dirty syringes if you put it in a nice enough bra – but Elin Nordegren might actually have a point here.
If she sticks with Tiger Woods, everyone wins. Tiger gets to reclaim his family man image and will win back all of his lost endorsements, making him more money than ever, and Elin will find herself with an even larger slice of cash and the possibility of a legal contract that’ll make her richer than her wildest dreams if Tiger ever cheats on her again. That more than makes up for never being happy again, right?
And as for the kids? Well, alright, not everyone wins. But, hey, it’s not like they can’t afford a lifetime of quack therapy, is it?
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Cornbread says
I think that people, men in general are just hating because he did what he did so long and with white women. He’s only doing what men have done for centuries. As for Elin, she is doing what women do, trying to save her marriage. If every woman divorced her husband for his discrepancies, many children would have been left fatherless. Read your history people. I applaud her for thinking of her family and herself. No one should decide what another person should do in relation to their relationships. Get a grip people. This is their lives and not yours.
Stephie Smith says
Hilarious. (Except the part about the kids, of course.) But the beginning says it all…and perfectly.
Jane says
I couldn’t have said it better. You are absolutly right. What a shame…..
kris10km says
Excellent take – great article!
JRG918 says
Even if they get back together, I wouldn’t let that man touch me without an AIDS test. All the women he has been with, and doing it “raw”. UGHHHHH!!!! Let him be a father to his kids, but, don’t be intimate with him until he is cleared of infections, etc.
Rose says
So you’re making fun of her because she is KEEPING her vows?! And it is proven over and over again, that a not-perfect intact family (married mother and father) is way better for children than a broken family. It is amazing that today that when people actually think of others first and when they keep their vows (for better for worse … ’til death do us part)they are belittled. But that is what society is today me, me, me and my, my, my happiness.
Mel says
Who’s to say that Elin Nordegren cannot be happy by reconciling with and forgiving her husband. Nothing is unforgivable – does this mean that he should maintain the lack of accountability in his life? No. Does this mean that it will just take one night of good sleep for everyone, including the children, to feel better? No. But by forgiving him, she releases the right of punishing him – God knows that the media and general public have done enough of that.
It’s so easy to write a snarky blog when your crap isn’t blasted across the universe.
Jim Baugh says
He probably passed on to her all his STD’s; so maybe thats her recent realization and now she thinks it is better to stick with him anyway. Celebrities that powerful are above any rule or law.
Nick says
I can think of many worse things then being a billionaire child of divorce.
Beeps says
At last a person after my own heart. If people would mind their business and let folks work it out then maybe just maybe they will. Family is first and foremost with anyone man or woman. David Letterman and a whole lot of them are teased as bad as this. People let it go and let them work it out. Eny is a green eye devil and most men are.
keith says
He the shit outta them white girls…..and they loved every minute of it!!! Don’t fool yourselves….
saj says
That was a pretty humorous article. My guess is that Tiger really is not worried one way or another. He’ll get back into golf,and still do what he wants whether she divorces him or not. She knew what she was geting into before she married him. And for being a babysitter, she ended up with a pretty good amount of luxury.
How many babysitters do you know who are “worth” $300 million.
I honestly think it would be much better for the kids if Tiger and the babysitter just divorce and raise the kids in peace. Nobody wants a spouse always bringing stuff up.
EmEtib says
Corbread, what are you talking about: “He
Ophelia says
Like my mama always said: “Don’t stay married for the kids.” They grow up witnessing a sham, loveless union instead of seeing how two people in love care for and behave around each other. These kids still have a chance to see that modeled for them because Elin could take the money and do WAY better for herself. Nearly every adult I know who grew up in a family where mom and dad couldn’t stand each other has trouble knowing how to be a good partner. There are exceptions, but that’s the general rule.
LC says
You guys crack me up…. The Woods, are residents of the state of Florida and their divorce laws are different than say CA where the spouse get on the norm at least 50%. It is not that way in Florida. Plus I don’t see his wife being able to take the kids out of the country to live. Tiger seems to be a good father crap as a husband but OK as a father and in the eyes of the cort the two are totally separate things. So his wife might have thought it through and found out she was not walking away with the kids and 50% of his worth. Yes, she would have had a good chunk of chainge but she also sign a pre-nup …… and that would probably play into the situation.
If she does stay ….. you can bet that Tiger and his army of lawyers and accountants are starting to hide funds all over the world so when and if D day does come …..it does not cost him so much. Wake up guys … Tiger is probably still calling the shot to a certain degree. Otherwise if he is in a clinic she would not be visiting him… she would have run basically and filed etc…..
JustAGuy says
Spoken like a guy who cheats.
foxnews is fair and balanced says
i am dave stewart, and i work for hecklesperm. i write trash for our trashy readers.i am an idiot. i like other men.i wish i was tiger,but i can not even hit a golf ball because i am uncoordinated,so i write trash for all to see.i was beat up at school all the time, and had to go home and tell mommy.
Marty says
Lighten up people, this is adult humor. If you are searching blogs to find couples counseling, you might as well turn your computer off. Tiger put it out there, now he gets to enjoy the consequences.
Inexxccess says
I’m not saying I agree with his affairs or her staying with him for sake of the kids. I just know that she is European and they are not nearly as uptight about sex and affairs as we Americans. Most people in positions of power in Europe are looked upon more favorably if they have a mistress. And personally, being a kid from a divorce always sucks no matter how much money they have. Besides, he might just be that good that she still wants him as well. You never thought of that did you?!
DT says
“it is proven over and over again, that a not-perfect intact family (married mother and father) is way better for children than a broken family”
Just out of curiosity – where did you get this? I hear stuff like this all the time, but I’ve never seen any research (not that I’ve looked all that hard). Seriously, there might be some – I’m hoping you can tell me where to find it ‘cuz I’m interested in reading it for myself.
GregC says
Come on! Are you guys gullible or what? This is just a big showmance. She is staying with him for show and nothing more so that he can get his career back on track. They will not be together in the true sense. Do you really think she needs or even wants this loser? She is financially set but has signed some sort of deal and will eventually divorce him. The guy is ugly, lied thousands of times and can’t be trusted. Some of your people think she is a gold digger too? She has all of the money she wants and needs but is staying so that he can return to golf and make more money. They have kids together so she doesn’t want him to become a loser without an income and life. This would only hurt her kids. Just watch as time goes by and then a divorce is announced. It might be as little as 2 or as many as 5 years. Don’t be so gullible.
smoothn00dle says
It’s none of Stuart Heritage’s business to tell other ppl how to run their family.. So judge-mental. Western Mono relationship is flawed with religious element that design for priest standard. Look at those priest, they are doing too well either.
If Tiger wood married a black African woman instead of Erin, the media and the white world wouldn’t get SHIT. This is a power-play of who control the marriage standard. This manufacture righteous are 4 suckers *v*
G says
Why can’t we just be happy for them getting back? Why have to be a divorce?
Melinda says
This article is so funny because it is so true! Well Done!!
Beckster says
I couldn’t agree more about the gowing up in a household of icy silences… My sister and I used to beg my mom to divorce my father! Their marriage was a joke, like this one is. Children know when parents “stay together for their sake”. And esp. children who will be in the media!
This woman needs to get on with her life for the sake of her kids and tiger needs some intensive therapy (and a good smack in the face!)
the man says
So, let’s just say that on the way-off chance they really did love each other when they first got married. I know, it’s hard to believe that people love each other when they get married these days, but hey, stick with me on this.
So they loved each other when they got married. They took each other for better or worse and things go along great. Then, one of them has a problem that needs to be addressed with some serious counseling. Does this mean that they should throw away everything and tear their family apart? I would think that if they really, actually loved each other then they would work through the problem. That’s not to say it will be easy, but, if it really is love then it will work itself out.
What’s so wrong with people wanting to save their marriage? Is it too hard? Does it take too much work? If that’s the case; why get married in the first place?
top gun says
I only know Tiger through sports(golf) as i know all of the sports figures. Until he returns to golf i am not interested in him. It amazes me the people that weigh in on his personals. It also baffeles me how others live there lives through sports figures. If there are people that thinks an under educated ball players is a role model they are out of balance. I can only conclude they need to seek mental help for the way they idolizes sports figures. GOOD LUCK!
bussyayo says
Hey! thanks so much for such a wonderful advice. I can see that the woman is a wise one for her decision. People should learn to keep quiet when couples are having problems and let them sort it out themselves.
Actually, we all know that what woods did was wrong, but, people should critisize constructively and not destructively so as to help the couples get back together and even better. People should just mind their own business.
JoeMomma says
These comments suck… you guys suck… make me laugh at you damn you!
All Women Stalker says
My heart goes out to their family. I hope they’ll be able to sort things out soon.
Betty Ware says
I say AMEN to this. Leave them alone.
lacy says
I don’t know why so many are giving this article and ones like it bad comments. I loved it. I guess that means i’m trashy, but it was entertaining.
Sunny says
She’s apparently smacked him with a golf club – he’s been spattered all over the media for his wandering winky and face it, likely he’s worth more with family intact. Besides with all their money they don’t have to live together now do they? Exactly.
Jezebel10 says
Every one is acting as if Elin is so perfect. This woman should be arrested for domestic battery! When she was tied to a scandal of being a SLUT a few years back Tiger Woods stood by her side and the media went away, now she stands to make millions when she was a penniless nanny/whore with nothing! Although Tiger says he is not black I bet he wishes for a Tyra Banks or a Gabrielle Union at this point in his life at this point……Beauty and Brains, not add ons to enhance ugly. Elin is ugly in and out and these black men never learn and that’s why they get hit in the mouth with golf clubs and shot in the head and get 4 million dollar rings. Elin had back to back babies for a reason to trap tiger, she never loved him and never will because love hides a multitude of fault. Tiger Woods is not the only man that has skeletons in his closet. Print both sides of the story and stop being biased for fake blonde bimbo’s whose only talent is giving blow jobs and kinky sex !He who is without sin cast the first stone and while you’re casting, cast Bill Clinton, John “lying” Edwards, Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford, and many others who just haven’t gotten caught.
robert says
Your either the stupidest person in the world or THE most jealous; what do you mean get his career back on track. Last I checked he is still the number 1 golfer in the world. Nike has not left him which pays him 5 times more than all of the other contracts he had combined & he is still a billionaire. Everyone has makes mistakes except for you.There is no other benefit for them to try to work it out but love & family. MONEY & GOLF IS TAKIN CARE OF RATHER SHE STAY’s OR GO’S.
Jezebel10 says
If you write trash, then you are a “DUMMY” you can’t even write a good sentence. Take up an English Course! “I” is also capitalized when used in a sentence. Smart Ass!
william says
the bottom line is this. these kids will always be known to be children of a loser.i dont care what elin and tiger do. tiger totally ruined his kids lives . it will haunt them forever. as it will elin. divorce is their best option. forget about the money.
Jon C says
“or would almost definitely try and shove his willy into a cactus if you smeared a bit of lipstick on it”
not the Shaqtus, no one touches the Shaqtus. Especially not if you’re gonna smear lipstick on it.
magnetite says
Here’s a tip for Tiger if he plans on doing this sort of thing again. Heliographed morse across a bleak moor is the best form of extra-marital communication.
It has the twin benefits of being old-old-school enough to deter interest from the modern attention-deficit bystander; and, if you pop on a frilly shirt while she’s making her way down to the waterfall from the big house, Hey Presto! you’re Mister-fucking-Darcy. The only drawback is that you need a moor. I suppose a fen would do at a pinch.
Tiger can keep multiple moccasin-pouch mistresses on the QT forever this way. He can afford to have a moor shipped from a cash-strapped European nation to wherever his fling lives, then pretend to play golf on it.
euclid says
Look, we all know you are talking about Sarah Palin with your “lipstick” remark and quite frankly this is very offensive! I don’t know why you people can’t just leave her alone. She is just normal people like us and doesn’t deserve all your hating and besides she’s gonna be president whether you like it or not so you might as well just get with the program of supporting her and nor making mean remarks about her too.
stella says
A Swedish woman so conservative about marriage and family?
A woman that either lives or has children with such a man has no dignity or self-esteem. On the other hand, sound men don’t cheat on their wives.
Anyway, his wife’s got guts, there must be more bugs living on Tiger’s willy than on an African buffalo. I guess money boosts courage.
Single parent family isn’t good for children, but it’s much better than a home without love and respect.
A says
“If you write trash, then you are a dummy; you can’t even write a correct sentence. Take an English course! “I” is also capitalised when used in a sentence. Smart-ass!”
I thought that might help if you wanted to use the correct grammar and punctuation.
halo says
I have to ask,
Why is it any different that SHE beat him up with a golf club?
Didn’t Chris Brown (uggh) do the same thing to Rihanna? As in, beat the shit out of her?
Why isn’t his wife being excoriated in the press the same as Chris Brown? Oh she’s a woman and quite pretty too, hmmm….
I guess sexism is still alive and well.
I know Tiger has issues, but personally speaking, I would NEVER let that woman alone with my kids again. I mean, she beat the crap out of him with a golf club. Hello, maybe she isn’t stable??
Maybe if she did try and divorce him, she would get LESS than what he already has. And if the fact that SHE BEAT HIM WITH A GOLF CLUB CAME OUT, no judge in his right mind would give her custody.
It has nothing to do with dignity or respect. She is chasing money and prestige. Don’t get me wrong, Tiger is a d’bag, but really they both deserve one another.
I feel sorry for their children.
lois gray says
I hope its true that Elin will not file for divorce. Tiger and Elin need professional counseling to mend their marriage in order to move forward. They also need to make more time being together as a couple and also as parents with the children. It is my hope these two find that happiness they had when they got married but they have to both want to make this committment to having a loving, caring relationshiop with each other.