If any female billionaires are reading this, and they want to marry and then cheat on someone, may we suggest us?

It’d be totally worth it. Sure, we’d be heartbroken about your cheating, and so would the kids – yes, we’d have to have kids – but if it meant getting $300 million at the end of it, we’d absolutely be prepared to step up. If you ask nicely, we might even swing a golf club about near your face in anger for verisimilitude. But that’d cost extra.

It seems to have worked for Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods‘ wife. Following Tiger’s self-confessed affairs, Elin’s reported to be walking away from the marriage with a cool $300 million fortune. True, that does only work out at about $1.25 for every woman who Tiger Woods had it off with, but beggars can’t be choosers.

These are not good times for Tiger Woods. Just a few months ago he had it all – a loving wife, a wildly successful golf career, sponsorship deals coming out of his bottom, the chance to stick it up as many women as he liked regardless of how old and leathery they were – but now he’s got nothing.

He’s given up golf indefinitely, his wife is reportedly speeding towards a divorce, his mistresses have all ditched him for lucrative careers in describing what Tiger Woods is like at sex to the highest bidder and – unless Gillette decides to change its slogan to Gillette: Turns You Into A Creepy Cock-Monster With Scant Regard For Your Own Family – the endorsements look set to dry up, too.

But on the plus side, at least Tiger Woods is heading towards some sort of closure to the trials of the last few weeks. Admittedly it’s a special sort of closure that means forking out $300 million to his wife and probably spending the rest of his life alone and unloved, but you take what you’re given, don’t you? The News Of The World reports:

Tough Swedish model Elin Nordegren revealed to friends how she extracted dear revenge when they asked what the shamed golfing superstar had given her for Christmas… She coolly declared: “Three hundred million dollars, thank you very much!” Our source told us: “She’s 100 per cent determined to split with Tiger.”

Just to try and contextualise that sum of money, we got a slanket for Christmas and that made us very excited. With $300 million, Elin Nordegren could buy 9,375,000 slankets which – even by conservative estimates, could make her so excited that both her kneecaps pop off like champagne corks and force her to run around in circles sloshing blood and cartilage around like some kind of disgusting celebratory liquid confetti. So, in short, no wonder she’s so keen to split up with Tiger Woods.

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