On The View yesterday, bets were on as to exactly when Elisabeth Hasselbeck would spontaneously combust and/or claw wildly at her own face.
Because, judging by her fervent campaigning for the Republican party, Tuesday’s election win for Barack Obama seemed like literally the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to Elisabeth Hasselbeck in her entire life. But on The View yesterday, something strange happened.
On The View yesterday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gracefully admitted defeat and declared her support for the president-elect. And, thanks to Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s elegant speech, the partisan schisms that threatened to tear America apart were instantly healed. Well, in the parts of America that watch The View, anyway. So the chronically old and unemployed parts that can’t find their remote control to change channel. Isn’t that enough?
Over the last few years, The View has come to symbolise the political gulf in America better than anything else. One one side there’s a screaming fat lesbian, and on the other side there’s a shrieking, blindly-patriotic government sock-puppet, and in the middle are a couple of funny-looking old ladies whose names we’ve never bothered to learn. Perfect.
But recently, as the endless election campaigning slowly built to a crescendo, things on The View got a little bit out of hand. Rosie O’Donnell resigned and Elisabeth Hasselbeck started screeching at such a terrifying pitch and velocity that The View almost sacked her before she caused irreversible structural damage to the Earth’s core.
And so, after Barack Obama won the general election on Tuesday night, speculation was rife over what Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s reaction would be on the following day’s edition of The View. Scientists had narrowed it down to three likely scenarios:
1 – Elisabeth Hasselbeck would throw herself on a Samurai sword after the second commercial break.
2 – Elisabeth Hasselbeck would be punched unconscious by a victory-giddy Joy Behar.
3 – Elisabeth Hasselbeck would try and be gracious in defeat, only to end up choking to death on her own tongue while trying to force the words out.
In fact, none of those things happened. Realising that blindly following the word of the president without question has done alright for her so far, Elisabeth Hasselbeck declared that she’d do exact same thing for Barack Obama. Look, here’s the video…
We’re still a little unconvinced by this sudden turnaround. After all, given Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s froth-mouthed introduction speech for Sarah Palin a fortnight ago, we’re fully expecting that she’ll be announced as Palin’s campaign manager for 2012. If that happens – judging by the past – Hasselbeck will advise Palin to run on the twin messages of ‘screeching like an alarmed dolphin in a fire’ and ‘bug-eyed scuttlebutt’.
But let’s concern ourselves with that later. For now, it’s just nice to see that the civil war that almost ripped The View apart has ended. And that means that we never have to watch another episode so long as any of us live. Wonderful.
Gidget says
Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s words to her daughter as they watched Barack Obama make his acceptance speech were very warm and touching. In the future, however, she should come clean to the girl and confess how she did everything she possibly could to stop this historic event from happening. Hasselbeck may try to soften her stance now, but thanks to the Internet and what will be “vintage” youtube videos, we will always be able to hear the unfounded and hideous things she said about our first African-American president — and so will her children.
steff says
Elizabeth SUCKS!
No inauguration tickets for you….no more dinners at the white house with the queen for you!…..You choose the loosing side and made a fool of yourself while doing it. It was screamingly clear you were talking up McCain to receive “benefits” in the event he was elected. Now, do you really think Obama will be so impressed with you new CONVERSION he will “recognize” you…..you are a” talk show fluff ball—actress want to be”! NOTHING more. Do you really think you have fooled or impressed anyone?
You SUCK!
gir says
jesus christ it just never stops
JLO says
As usual, another liberal-slanted article, filled with hatred and violent tendencies. Elisabeth hasn’t changed her beliefs or viewpoints, she simply stated that she will stand behind our newly elected President. She is a true American, with much more patrism than you, Stuart Heritage, could possibly understand. And to Steff, Elisabeth wasn’t trying to fool or impress anyone, she simply gave her views and opinions, JUST LIKE THE OTHER 4 ON THE SHOW. That’s what gets me…why is it ok for the other 4 to state their political opinions, but it’s not ok for EH? They are not any more politically informed or educated than she is. You left-wing liberals are just so much in love with yourselves, that you can’t stand to think that anyone else has different opinions than you do. How immature and ignorant! What are you, 12 years old???? Grow up Steff. And I might add there is NO losing or winning side in any election. We are all on the same side as Americans. So whether you like it or not Steff, YOU are on the SAME side as Elisabeth. How does that grab ya???
Kaptain Amerika says
Can anyone say Two-Faced?
What a load of sh…. now that your grrrl Palin lost you expect us to believe your words? I call BS!
Joke Police says
Reality has a liberal bias.
Colbert 2012!
PS Where’s the story about how Palin didn’t know Africa was a continent?
J Bollocks says
Joke Police: still flogging that dead horse
No critique of steff: “no more dinners at the white house with the queen for you!…..You choose the loosing side and made a fool of yourself”?
Fuck-wit.
gir says
J Bollocks likes to be flogged, he is a dead horse
I love a dead gay horse
hooper wiltan says
liz should leave the politicking to others and just sit there and look pretty
Elena says
EH = a no talent, vacuous, sockpuppet who evidently attended the Sean Hannity School of Arts, Language, and Sciences; and someone who deserves no platform, that’s a given.
Jane says
Please get rid of Elizabeth, replace her with someone who is level headed, and smart. She is annoying!!!!!!!!!!
Allan says
EH is a liar, that’s the worst part. She knows she is a GOPher hack and gets her daily lies from her producers backstage, unlike the other women on the show.
EH is a lying, useless, talentless, cunt hack. She came from nowhere and should go back ASAP.
If she was just another GOPher ignorant like her fellow host (forgot her name, but she’s the black woman who always agrees with EH, especially on religion… she actually said Earth is flat, etc.) that would be one thing, but she is belligerant and mouthy and petulant and whiny and has an attitude of being owed a living because she’s a blonde in America. She belongs on the strip, hooking in Vegas for a living. Instead, she’ll end up on FUCKED “News” pushing more GOPher talking points and sucking the dicks of fat, sweaty pigs like Rush Limbaugh. Did I say she’s a talentless cunt and a worthless human being?
Guytano Parks says
can I sign the petition (per my agreement with the previous commentary) ? Where do I sign?…Where can I donate?
blergmcblergingston says
am I the only one whos sane? Elizabeth is a simple minded bitch. she never lets on to anyone elses ideas. she should be kicked off the view. oh wait, we have to find a way to relate retarded house wives and hillbillys, after all, they’re 99.9% of the views… viewers! If your that o.1%, stop watching that garbage show. :)