At this point, it’s fair to say that we’d let a robot dinosaur Hitler win the election if it meant it could all be finished today.
Because, honestly, we know that it’s an important election and all, but it’s turned everyone into stupid screeching partisan bellends. And Exhibit A would be this – at a Sarah Palin rally in Florida yesterday, people not only let Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View screech on witlessly about politics for 10 entire minutes, but they also actually clapped her at the end.
It just goes to show how much trouble the Republican campaign is in – it’s clear they just let Elisabeth Hasselbeck shriek her worldview to a crowd so that Sarah Palin would look marginally more intelligent in comparison. Let’s hope it worked, because it’s literally impossible to pander to the lowest common denominator any more than that. Well, unless someone gives Jessica Simpson a call, but who’d want that?
You know what’s naused up this election for us? Famous people. It’s a scientifically-proven fact that at any given moment in time, upwards for 50 celebrities are screaming their newfound political opinions, either on TV or in magazines or on the internet or spinning around in their garden like a toddler on E-numbers. The other day we saw a video of Ron Howard shaving his beard off for Barack Obama and it genuinely made us want to throw ourselves off a bridge.
What we’re trying to say is this – if we wanted to hear the political opinions of a badly-educated jumped-up egotistical nincompoop with epic delusions of grandeur, we’d go and stand in front of a mirror for half an hour.
By and large, celebrity endorsement ahead of the election seems to have fallen on the side of Barack Obama, with many of them even complaining if John McCain uses one of their songs. But now it’s time to turn the tide, and the Republicans have got a mighty trick up their sleeves. She might not be as famous as, say, Matt Damon, but this little lady is 10 times as loud, and pound for pound is about 30 times more of an idiot than just about anyone who’s allowed to go on TV. Ladies and gentlemen, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Everyone knows how much of a fierce conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck is, because of the skin-melting velocity in which she bellows about it every single morning on The View. Her opinions are so strong that people are guessing that she’ll either quit The View or die of a horrible aneurysm at some point before the election unless something gives.
Neither will probably happen now, though, because yesterday something gave. For some reason that we don’t think we’ll ever understand, the Republican party yesterday let Elisabeth Hasselbeck introduce Sarah Palin at a rally in Florida. And it was like lancing a boil. A big screeching boil that burst in a frequency that only bats can understand and quite often didn’t really seem to know what it was talking about. Oh, go on then, here’s the video…
Did you manage to get all the way through that? Us neither. After about four minutes it started to make us feel like we were trapped inside a metal cave full of piercing rape alarms and screaming babies and we had to abort.
Still, though, at least we know why everyone else on The View constantly tries to shut Elisabeth Hasselbeck up now. We’ve never felt such gratitude towards Whoopi Goldberg.
Jim says
Ok, so she’s no genius but give us a break. The author of this article has already gone to get in line at the polls. He surely wants to be the very first vote cast for his hero Obama. This is the most outrageously biased article I have ever read.
Nobody believes anything that either candidate says. All anyone can do is look at long term party track records. We would be where we are right now regardless of the party of the sitting president. 911 happened and we have been spending money that we don’t have for years. It was unavoidable and if it hadn’t been done we would all be screaming that was wrong too.
The Democrats have ALWAYS thrown money at every problem. The Republicans have ALWAYS cut back financially, whenever possible. We can’t afford the Democratic solution right now.
There is no point in slamming Elizabeth Hasselbeck just because you wanted to support Obama. She isn’t running for office.
Bellisma says
Elisabeth is DUMB LIKE A FOX..a true rabblerouser.
She incites the lowest denominator-and yet? There she remains…Why? She is so obnoxious and a little brain dead from practicing her opinions 24/7; asleep and awake-no space left for reality..Pity..
J Bollocks says
You scared little politically correct (literally) HS staff. What, scared of being labelled racists are you?
Actually, I can imagine the sort of reception you’ld get down your local trendy vodka-bar if you said “I really don’t like Obama, he’s got such small, shifty eyes”.
In contrast recall, that you said McCann had “short little arms”
THINK about it… fools
Linda says
Wow! It is amazing to see how Americans have become so divided over the issues… the race to the presidency is filled with blantant disregard to what is really going on. One would have to be blind not to see that this is a warfare right here in our country among its own citizens. This presidential race is insighting hate and fear among the masses. The playing field definitely isn’t leveled and hatred be it blatant or subtle should not be tolerated. Lets stick to the facts.
lucca says
Elizabeth is an idiot whose only experience prior to The View was as a contestant on the Survivor 2 show several years ago.
She’s sooo annoying. Maybe Elizabeth can be Sarah Palin’s running mate come 2012. All the crazy right wingers will vote for them.
gir says
You people are faggots.
Joke Police says
J Bollocks = fail
Some almighty generalisations from Jim up there. With added capitalisation to ram home the wrongness of it all.
Eugene says
It sounds like many of the American readers of this blog don’t realize that it originates from outside the US of A.
Rikki Nadir says
So, it’s come to this…the airheaded (but oh so ambitious) VP nominee for the GOP has found her intellectual equal in Elizabeth Hasselbeck…you go, girls! Right off the edge of your 6,000 year old flat Earth.
Joshua says
screechy idiots? Democrats no Liberals have no tact, knowledge or sensitivity with regards to powerful conservative women they fear them for they represent everything they are not and it also demonstrates that you don’t have to follow one established feminist doctrine to be succesful
screechy idiots?
gir says
Fuck, Joshua discovered the secret “screechy idiots?” tag in the new php standard. You know, the one that allows you to post without adhering to any rules of morphology, syntax, or punctuation.
Linda says
An American flag pin to close up Hasselbacks “Sassy” mouth.
Dear Elizabeth, Do yourself and USA a favor…..return to your low life before reality T.V. scraped you up and tossed you on a sassy little show called the view where you could be the B you always wanted to be.
Priceless………….
She should have been left on the Island. This just goes to show how much more scary a country can be. You don’t have to know anything or read anything. You don’t even have to have a mind!
This is reality T.V. at it’s best. A far more Surreal Life than the Surreal Life.
Hopefully we can vote them all off.
toolahroolahroolah says
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Yeah shur Jim, thats why the US had a SURPLUS at the end of that whorehopper Clinton’s admin. while the last 8 years of Republican rule has shown the R’s displaying all of the fiscal discipline of a crackhead with his Grandma’s ATM card.
Same thing during ol Ronnie Raygun’s napathon. Lots of lipservice followed by crippling deficits.
I ain’t in love with Obama, but I’d vote for the village crackwhore before I’d vote republican this time around.
The Magnificent Faggot says
Good God, what a bucket of festering cuntlips.
J Bollocks says
“J Bollocks = fail
Some almighty generalisations from Jim up there”
Gosh Joke Police, go fuck your mother! After you’re pulled your brother off her. You piece of sanctimonious shit. It fuckn’ ignorant cunts like you that make the world less nice than it should be, you piece of shit.
Did you see what I did there?
Joke Police says
Too many syllables in that abuse.
I’m looking forward to Wednesday when America vote Obama in because they’re scared of being labelled racist.
Sarah says
The election is on a Tuesday, dude. It’s always been the first Tuesday in November.
And no one is voting for Obama because he’s black and they don’t want to be seen as racist. They may be voting for him because he’s black, or because he’s a democrat, or because they like his political ideas. But your vote is entirely confidential, it’s not like you’ll leave the polls and some jackass (like ol’ bollocks) will point at you and scream “Racist!” because you voted for McCain.
The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Some of “you people” (see what I did there? gosh, if I have to point it out, maybe it’s not that clever?) overseas have a very convoluted idea of what life is like in the US.
Joke Police says
In my country it’s Wednesday. Time zones and all that.
And as for the other thing, take a look back at the third comment in this thread. Maybe I should have written ‘see what I did there?’ to indicate that I was not being entirely serious. Unlike our eloquent friend Mr Bollocks.
The Magnificent Faggot says
pmg turn on CNN, sara palin just burned to the ground with no survivors!!