NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT: We’ve heard from insiders that Taylor Lautner might take his shirt off in New Moon.
But tell nobody. It’s a secret. If you look closely at the New Moon marketing campaign, though, you might see hints. Like the way that, say, Taylor Lautner doesn’t wear a shirt in any of the New Moon trailers. Or any of the New Moon posters. Or the way that he appears to have never worn an item of clothing on his torso ever, even briefly as a joke.
And this upsets Taylor Lautner. He says he wants to be remembered for his acting, not his body. And he’ll prove it with his next movie, The Topless Adventures Of Captain Areola And The Greased-Up Avengers.
Taylor Lautner must be under an incredible amount of pressure at the moment. In just over three weeks he’ll be carrying his first movie as a lead. That’s hard enough as it is, but this film is New Moon – a Twilight film – so that means he’s guaranteed to be followed about by legions of dribble-flecked female fans wherever he goes. Worse, those fans will either be noisy, near-hysterical teenagers or creepy, slightly paedophilic-seeming middle-aged women, so it won’t even be fun. And, worse still, he probably won’t be wearing a shirt when it happens.
Because Taylor Lautner never wears a shirt. Never. Ever since the New Moon director told him to beef up or get out, Taylor has spent every minute of every day strutting around without a top on. That goes beyond showing off – that’s just impractical. It might make teenage girls scream, but so does violent abduction and there’s nothing funny about that.
And Taylor Lautner seems to know that he’s becoming known primarily as Nipple Boy, which is why he’s decided to whine about his prolific lack of clothing to MTV, saying:
“I don’t want to become known as just a body. If I had to choose, I would never take my shirt off again in a movie, but I guess that’s not very realistic. I certainly won’t be asking to do it, though.”
Taylor’s right. Although he’d like very much to play a normal human being who wears an appropriate amount of clothes for the rest of his career, it’s just not very realistic.
For starters, there are the rest of the Twilight films to make – and we’ve all read that chapter in Eclipse where Jacob rubs a stick of butter across his naked body in slow motion to the sound of I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd – and his chances of keeping his shirt of post-Twilight are also pretty slim. After all, the world of tawdry low-budget cable TV erotic thrillers is kind of fastidious about that kind of thing, and that’s obviously where he’s headed.
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Sunny says
“… rubs stick of butter across his naked body in slow motion…”
Sounds like a splendid way to pass an evening, must remember to purchase stick butter…
Andrew says
His body will bring in the benjamins, not his acting.
Wench says
His face is really offending me.
Vanessa says
Taylor has a really irritating voice. So as long as i can stare at his body i don’t give a fudge what he has to say! ROFL…sorry Taylor, didn’t you know your new nickname is “The Bod”? Hehe tough for you! :D