Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career.

We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up a word document instead.

Now make a list of all the Matthew Broderick films of which you can remember. Done that? Now cross out all the ones that weren’t artistic travesties. Come on, be honest with yourselves. By the way if you didn’t cross out Godzilla it’s probably best if you cease this exercie immediately.

As a reliable rule of thumb one should master cutlery before tacking cultural discourse on the internet.

Don’t look on Wikipedia, that’s cheating. Now how many films have you got? Not many eh? 3, 4, 5 maybe? Weird isn’t it for an almost 30 year career?  We were surprised because we like equine bothering super nice-guy Matthew Broderick. The reason any of us still have a soft spot for him is because of Ferris Bueller.

If you like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, then you’ll probably love the new Honda commercial/Bueller homage made for the crazily valuable Superbowl commercial break slot. We say probably because you may feel there’s some ‘selling out’ issue. If that’s the case you may just have to accept that movies aren’t early 80s hardcore punk and that Matthew Broderick isn’t Henry Rollins.

Once you’ve done that then you can sit back and enjoy. Then depending on how keen you are, watch it again and look out  for the subtle details that were put there for your nerd-ass.

Oh, and try not to think about the fact that he looks like  70 year old botoxed woman when he has the towel on his head.

There isn’t much to be said about Harry Derbidge that hasn’t already been said. By that we mean that there is very little to say about Harry Derbidge aside from the fact that he appears to have an IQ comparable to that of a brain-damaged heron. In fact, up until today we hadn’t actually heard of anyone called Harry Derbidge and assumed that a ‘derbidge’ was a way of accessing a castle.

Of course we know better now and our apologies go to the young Mr Derbidge who has spent the weekend garnering our respect by winning a massive important award! Yeah! Screw the brain-dead attention seekers of The Only Way Is Essex! Their former colleague Harry has picked up the coveted “Idiots’ Idiot” award at a hastily arranged ceremony sponsored by hecklerspray.

Let’s hear it for Harry, readers!

Yes, at the glitzy ceremony which was held in one of Manchester’s fashionable disused industrial estates, Mr Derbidge was presented with the award by The hecklerspray Phantom who took the opportunity of meeting one of its favourite idiots to vomit ectoplasm in the reality star’s face.

There were so many nominees for the “Idiots’ Idiot Award” that we had to have an overflow industrial estate just to fit them all in. The ceremony was piped into the buildings via an internet feed before the giant buildings were flooded with a potent nerve gas that will put most of them out of commission for around three months. Everyone except Frankie Cocozza who swanned out of the front door claiming he’d had worse Sunday evenings.

The judges had such a tough time picking a winner that it took a very special “Twitter Tie Break” to smash through the stalemate and propel Harry to the title of Idiots’ Idiot 2012. To contextualise, when it was announced that he wouldn’t be returning for a fourth series of TOWIE, he naturally decided he hated everyone he had previously pretended to be friends with for money. He tweeted:

‘Omg have you all just seriously seen that towie advert where everyone is saying shut up… I have been catchphrased robbed! X’

It takes a really special kind of idiot to believe that “shut up” is a catchphrase. It’s no ‘What’s Up, Doc?’ is it? It’s just something that around 95% of the English-speaking world says on a regular basis. Good on him though for being deluded enough to believe that he has some sort of intellectual property right on a common utterance.

It won him a shit, hastily fictionalised award which is a damn-sight more than he’ll be winning any time soon.

Zooey Deschanel is one of those women people fancy when they haven’t seen her act in anything. Once you see her in a moving picture, you can’t help but wish her ill. That whole kooky, sub-standard Goldie Hawn thing she’s got going on? Loathesome.

She sings cutesy wutesy songs and cocks her head to one side while biting her lip, acting like she’s 10 years old despite being in her thirties. It’s creepy!

And so, it isn’t surprising at all to hear her say she got bullied so much at school, that people spat at her.

For anyone outraged, who read the last sentiment as an approval of spitting at Zooey Deschanel, you’re wrong. Although, that said, having seen New Girl, it’s not surprising that people would spit with venom, showering everything in sight as they swear at everything under the sky.

No. We’re not surprised that Zoeey has SAID she was bullied at school because that’s what kooky celebrities do. They were always bullied. There’s probably someone who went to school with her, reading this, thinking “Wait. She was really, really popular as far as I can remember!“

Deschanel told the mighty authority that is Allure magazine:

“Girls spit in my face. People were so mean to me. I’d cry every day.”

Poor Zoeey. Still, undeterred, she went on to study at Northwestern University in Illinois  and… well, get this…

“I went to Northwestern because I had gone to a really non-traditional high school. I was like, ‘It’d be cool to have a traditional college experience’. Then I was like, ‘Oh, but none of these people understand what’s cool about me. My specialness is not appreciated in this place.’”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GOD! OH SWEET BARE-CHESTED JESUS CHRIST ON HORSEBACK!

SHE IS SO IRRITATING!

So. Zooey Deschanel has a new show that is being shown on Channel 4 this very night at 8:30 post meridian. Of course, we’ve seen it and it won’t surprise you that we are characteristically unimpressed.

That said, looking on the bright side of any situation, like we uncharacteristically do, we’ve managed to find five things that are good about New Girl (8:30, Channel 4).

And here they are, over the jump and as follows…

Although they’ve clearly scrimped on script writers by letting Zooey Deschanel say whatever she wants, whether it’s funny or not, they’ve paid some attention to the theme tune, which although is written and performed by Deschanel (who claims that she’s in a band called She & Him, though the last time we checked were just a duo of insufferably annoying pricktwists) sums up the series in a unique way.

It’s ditsy, glossy and without any volume at all. And a bit “write the feem toon, sing the feem toon.”

Apparently there is a way to make the worst thing Patrick Swayze ever did, apart from dying, Dirty Dancing, more cloying and vaginary than normal. Which is…an achievement, we guess?

“Oh look, aren’t I quirky? I wear printed prom dresses and say sentences with weird rhythms and sing to myself and shower in a swimsuit. Look at the way I say things and look out the side of my eyes. Aren’t I so relevant and hip?” – this is what Zooey Deschanel thinks all the time.

One of the housemates that she moves in with has the biggest jaw ever seen on a human being. Bigger than Olly Murs’ and Jimmy Hill’s. Even bigger than the ones on Mount Rushmore. God bless the disgustingly faced bastard.

There’s such a thing as a Douchebag Jar. No signs of ukelele playing, or listening to cassettes yet, but there’s still time.

So there you are. Watch it, don’t watch it. Zooey Deschanel is still going to continue to be as skin tearingly irritating whether you do or don’t, and we don’t care either.

Of course maybe if you do have an half hour to spare, you could do something useful, like finally find out what actually happened to the Lindbergh Baby. Or where Ian Beale’s appeal lies. We think it’s something he puts in his fish batter. Probably his batter.

Zooey Deschanel is the Prom Queen of the Hipster Ball. She can kinda sing, kinda act and is generally kinda good-looking and kinda nice. Perfect for the hipsters as she never quite looks like she’s really trying.

However, Zooey is quite obviously a giganto-ghoul.

Why? Mainly because she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage and is getting divorced from her husband – Some Guy – which will absolutely anger God so much that he’ll probably ensure any children she has in the future will all have hunchbacks.

Zooey, not quite a proper zoo, has filed for divorce in Los Angeles on December 27th (lovely Christmas present, eh?) from Ben Gibbard, citing irreconcilable differences.

So what could’ve caused this split? Maybe Deschanel didn’t like the fact her soon-to-be-ex-husband saw a series of Zooey’s new show, New Girl, and vomited with fury, demanding to know why such a terrible, terrible thing could ever be commissioned by a television station?

Or, maybe the pair didn’t get along because Zooey had a successful music career while Gibbard was in the tremendously bland Death Cab For Cutie?

Sadly, the couple don’t have any children to make this whole situation more fraught for us prying imbeciles. Worse still is that Deschanel’s publicist has said that the couple’s split was “amicable.”

That said, all this paves the way for Zooey to start actually having sex with Joseph Gordon Levitt because that’s all anyone ever wanted after seeing that stupid film they were in together.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are probably the most irritating pair on Earth, mainly because we’ve got nothing on them. They seem nice. They seem quite funny. They’re altogether likeable and that makes us mad.

Of course, we hate most of their cloying hipster fans who, this morning, will be getting steamed up ironic NHS spectacles when they learn that the (500) Days of Summer duo have paired up to sing a song together.

And they’ve filmed it. And we’re going to let you watch it if you’re smart enough to click over the jump. Which you’re not. The amount of times we have to actually point that out to you dawdling shitboxes is unreal! Anyway. Video. You’ll like it. Over the jump.

Now that New Year’s Eve is not far away, the Hipster Prom King and Queen have timelyly recorded the classic ‘What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?’ and blurted it on YouTube for us all to watch.

Once the nice ‘aaah, aren’t they adorable but almost entirely sexless’ feeling passes, you’ll soon be hit with a melancholy that tells you that, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be as fondly thought of as these two. They’re making us all look rubbish.

Deschanel, who we all know is in a relatively successful band already, strums her ukulele in a silvery white party dress and a tiara, while Gordon-Levitt plays guitar in his black suit and tie looking nothing like the berk who was the Scrappy-Doo of Third Rock From The Sun.

All this nicety could soon pass when we review Deschanel’s new sitcom, New Girl, which looks thoroughly awful… but alas, Gordon-Levitt will be in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Night Rises which is probably going to be brilliant.

We can’t win this one, so just watch this video and dribble into your laps.

Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.

Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.

And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!

On the right-minded Fox Business Channel, anchor Eric Bolling showed a clip of the new Disney movie (yes, we’re worried too) and said outright that the whole storyline of the new Muppets film was a nauseating ploy to make our children hate things.

CONSPIRACY!

The whole thing is a vehicle to plant the seeds of class warfare among our precious wickle children! CLASS WARFARE! Why has no-one noticed before?

In their latest piece of propaganda, the Muppets showcase a nasty villain called Tex Richman. He’s an oil baron. As we all know, oil barons are nice people who just want to make an honest living.

Bolling asked:

“What’s actually going on there? Is liberal Hollywood using class warfare to brainwash our kids?”

Brave Bolling was echoed by guest Dan Gainor, who, like a champ, spat:

“They’ve been doing it for decades. Hollywood — they hate the oil industry, they hate corporate America.”

No wonder Occupy Wall Street and the like is happening. They’ve all been taken on a merry dance down the liberal garden path by these fuzzy liberal gits.

And now, at last, someone is prepared to stand up to this menace. Look at Gonzo. How on Earth could anyone not take him seriously?

Hang on.

Those Muppets are pretty sweet, wholesome things aren’t they? They’re all cute and furry and funnier than a politician falling down a manhole. They’ll never get involved in any sex scandals or anything like that… not like stupid human celebs.

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?!

There’s a big ol’ link from The Muppets to soft core Italian porn! What’s going on? Are all our dreams about to be ruined? Are we actually going to start getting aroused by the new Muppets movie?! Let us explain…

Fret not! Your Muppets are safe with us.

No, this revolves around the famous Muppets tune, ‘Mahna Mahna’. Or, as it should be known, ‘Mah Nà Mah Nà‘. That’s because it’s an Italian song.

And yes, it made a debut in Umiliani’s soundtrack for Italian film Svezia, inferno e paradiso (or, if you want it in English, Sweden: Heaven and Hell). It’s a swinging sixties look about the wild sexual activity in Sweden. They’re all sex-mad in Sweden, right? Right.

The song accompanies a scene set in a sauna and was performed by a band called Marc 4 with the lead part sung by Italian singer/composer Alessandro Alessandroni.

So, can we assume that, when looking for something funny for The Muppets to sing, Jim Henson used his extensive knowledge of softcock porno to pluck Mah Nà Mah Nà from his brains?

God, we hope so.

Anyway, here’s a clip from Svezia, inferno e paradiso and the famous, famous song. And don’t worry, it is totally SAFE FOR WORK.

Enjoy!

It’s christmas. Woopdeedoo and loop de loop and all that. Yes, that’s right, since you all asked so fucking nicely, we didn’t bother to do a video this week as it’s the festive season and is therefore all about building up your hopes in order to dash them.

In fact, we’re so set on driving you all to distraction that we’re going to have Christmas specials every week now because that’s exactly what christmas is all about. Incessant disappointment until you eat so much chocolate and drink so much cheap sherry that you may as well check into Dignitas on Boxing Day.

Still, euthanasia aside, it’s always best to start the Christmas period as early as possible because that’s where you make the most money and since all of you dribbling gits out there in internet land believe that the Christmas period can only officially begin when the Coca Cola advert has tugged its way around your heartstrings, we decided to start as soon as they do.

Really early.

Christmas adverts take a few very set, very distinct and very dull paths. They either play to your sentimental side like Coca Cola or John Lewis, they play it for laughs like DFS (no, they really are) or they traipse out some washed-up celebrities in order to point at them and shout, “LOOK! THESE CELEBRITIES ENJOY CHRISTMAS AND THAT MEANS IT’S OKAY FOR YOU TO HAVE A NICE TIME AS WELL!”

That is unless you’re a child, in which case the advertising is still shouting at you but it’s more likely to be saying, “YOU WILL FORCE YOUR USELESS PEON PARENTS TO BANKRUPT THEMSELVES BUYING THIS TOY THAT YOU WILL PLAY WITH A MAXIMUM OF FIVE TIMES BEFORE IT BREAKS AND IS FORGOTTEN ABOUT IN A BOX! THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS! BUY OUR PRODUCTS!” It’s a tough lesson but it’s one that children should learn from an early age.

Some adverts actually go out of their way to combine all these elements into 30 second mini-dramas with a narrative and a heart and real, genuine drama. Step forward, Very.co.uk.

Drama. It opens with a Sergio Leone/Ennio Morricone duel close-up. The forlorn strings of a guitar warble out in the distance. The slightly odd sight of two television presenters going up against the Il Duce of Christmas himself is completely offset by the sudden sense of tension…

…oh, what’s that hyper-irritating version of ‘Anything You Can Do…’ doing there?

In an effort to explain the sudden appearance of this jaunty brainworm, spokesmorons and celebrity bum-chums Holly & Fearne are quickly shown beating Santa at his own game of counter-intuitive housebreaking. Where Santa seems to fail is that he can’t just wander through someone’s front door at 8 in the evening.

Why?

He’s not bloody famous, that’s why.

Besides Fearne thinking she can ‘bring back’ a hairstyle that looks like a ploughed field, they’re showing him up by interacting with a family. It’s cosy, it’s sentimental. That’s where TV presenters and Santa Claus differ you see, Santa Claus isn’t a self-praising narcissist. If they really wanted to do Santa’s job better than him then they could do worse than to disappear from existence in a puff of smoke, becoming a lie that parents tell their kids so that they don’t grow up to be self-involved twat baskets.

Look at that family mocking santa claus. “He’s not even real!” they mockingly cry as the poor old bastard tries to stuff a wooden train under their smart-price christmas tree. Holly and Fearne look on with derision. Humour. Sick, sick humour. How can he ever hope to gain the thanks of millions of children all over the world with his paltry offerings of wooden toys, handmade with love and affection by tiny little people than Ricky Gervais thinks are hilarious? None of these things are a Nintendo 3DS (CHILDREN! YOU WANT A 3DS!)

Dirty tactics! That’s what it is. Holding back the poor, decrepit old man who just wants to finish his annual paper route without being held back by two tarts with a glorified catalogue. Sure they might have more presents than ol’ Sanity Clause himself but do they have the magical powers to skoot round the earth delivering presents like they’ve just inhaled a kilo of amphetamines and broken the face of Bernard’s watch?

Of course they don’t. They’re bloody TV presenters! TV presenters can just smile and read from an autocue. They can’t even drive that van. They had to get the cameraman to move slightly to the left because Fearne Cotton just sat staring at the pedals like a brain-damaged horse. There’s no magic there.

So what’s the outcome? Have the spokesmorons actually managed to upset the balance of Christmas forever? Will the festive season ever be the same again? Does their defeat of Santa mean that Fearne Cotton & Holly Willoughby will become an ethereal, fictional presence that children make macaroni images of in primary schools?

FIND OUT IN PART TWO!

Sesame Street. Not nearly as innocent as you think. Seriously. It should be called Sesmutty Street after they threw a load of sexy filth at the eyes of the world’s children, presumably getting big furry erections and laughing at our outrage.

The official line on all of this is that the Sesame Street YouTube channel got taken offline after hackers uploaded pornographic videos.

Big Bird, Elmo and Co. are ruthlessly blaming it on some hacker called ‘Mredxwx’. Mr Ed himself has come out and said it isn’t him, mainly because his hooves and computer keyboards don’t get on. However, we can exclusively reveal that Sesame Street is, and always has been, absolute filth.

You already know that Bert Is Evil, directly involved with the KKK and the JFK assassination. Now, the rest of the gang are peddling smut to the world and blaming it on a hacker/talking horse.

Those dastardly swine at the Children’s Television Workshop posted a message alongside the X Rated material saying:

“Who doesn’t like porn kids?”

While that is 100% correct (everyone likes bongo films), they shouldn’t be so flagrant about it, forcing it upon our children and completely disregarding the thrill of shame we all have when secretly watching knacky films. STOP SPOILING IT FOR US ALL SESAME STREET.

It is estimated that 140,000 subscribing children will have been subjected to sexy times by Cookie Monster and chums. Half a billion filthy clicks! Imagine.

And we’ve got our hands on a screengrab from the Sesame Street YouTube channel during the alleged hack.

The image clearly shows Bert – him again – indulging in bestiality with what appears to be a juvenile two-headed goat. Could the residents of Sesame Street be more offensive?

Ban this sick filth.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

There’s no video content for this week’s Badvertising, primarily because caretaker of the advertising corner, Michael Park, has become the victim of legal action after a woman’s head exploded after seeing his smug, self-involved face on her computer screen more than the appointed twice in a month. This means that it’s back to plain ol’ words!

When you’re making an advert, it’s important to establish a relationship for the sake of the viewer. Now, what do we mean by that? There are myriad different types of relationships in advertising from the authoritarian ‘expert’ who spends a worrying amount of time bellowing out of the television, to the ‘friends’ who love nothing more than snuggling up on a couch eating Maltesers and taking intravenous injections of air freshener.

There are antagonistic husband and wife duos as well as the brother/sister combo and occasionally you get to see a couple of children sitting around being accosted by a rip-off mouse. It’s just how advertising is. Relationships are usually established pretty damned quickly.

Except here…

Who is this woman? Aside from being someone who breaks into people’s houses and demands cups of tea while speaking like Margaret Thatcher after she was forced to chain-watch all six seasons of Sex In The City, she appears to be an apparition who believes solely in the spread of bingo.

Perhaps she belongs to the Church Of Jesus Christ & The Latter Day Tweak of the Thumb. Who knows. She could be the Queen Bee or the Dancing Queen. She’s definitely not one of the Two Fat Ladies. There we go, we’ve got rid of all the woeful bingo puns in one paragraph that you could have ignored if we’d had the good grace to warn you beforehand.

Once this mad bat has cracked her laptop out, she begins indoctrinating her shocked victim into the ways of bingo until the poor, bemused fool is too broken to even question this woman’s presence in her kitchen. There she was getting on with a spot of ironing and the next thing she knows, some vampiric whore who has just eaten a live chicken to sustain her blood lust is hovering over her talking about her father liked to engage in orgies.

Everything happens so fast, even the audience is left completely unaware of who this woman is. One thing’s for sure, she must have an endless supply of laptops if she’s not even bothering to take it with her. Do vampires have a lot of money? That’s a thought for the Hallowe’en special…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Every so often the world unites behind a cause which transcends nationality, colour, creed or sexuality. These causes can be anything from the protection of human rights to people coming together in search of justice (not a lynch mob, that’s not the same thing at all).

Of course, these things don’t always mean much. For example, much of the reaction to Haribo’s new advert, starring “the average nuclear family” in a musical number about sweets, has been hugely negative. People hate it and they’re getting together to show how much they dislike it.

We had managed to avoid the advert entirely until one fateful night when DepEd Michael put it on while the rest of the staff were out drinking cheap beer and getting knocked back by prostitutes. Find out what happened after the jump…

Panic Stations:

10. Look! Bill Murray is such a dude that he uses the Tube! – SuperBill

9. Stuart The Brand Baggs takes on a cage fighter. You can guess who wins.

8. What if The Beatles were Jawas from Star Wars? – FabForce

7. The New Scientist launches a dating site. No, really. -Nerdgasm

6. Man reports that his drugs have been stolen. Can you guess what happens? – Clink

5. Spot the IT guy! It’s pretty easy if you try – GeekSpot

4. Buy someone a toy of a dog. A dog that has a beak and long birdy legs. – Dogs

3. The Amish shop at Wal-Mart too. – Hoss

2. Lots of very silly reviews on Amazon for you to snicker at. – FishPaste

1. Amazing poster alert! - Snowman

Dope or Grope?

Folded

• Star Yearbooks – Want to see Sean Penn looking like a member of Hanson? Of course you do.
• The Notting Hill Carnival – Why it matters.
• Football Fans On Mobility Scooters – They’re having none of it. We assume this applies to every football fan who uses a mobility scooter.
• Spelling Qaddafi – Oh… so that’s what it is?
• Jim Carrey - He’s declared his love for Emma Stone on Youtube. Haven’t we all wanted to do that at some point?

Creased

• Nick Helm – Awww, you’ve got the funniest joke at The Fringe, do you? And you’re not going to be gracious about it? Of course you’re not. Enjoy Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow.
• David Mitchell – Well, not David Mitchell himself. His beard. What’s that about?
• Polish Spiderman - He’s not helping anyone. We bet he wasn’t even bitten by a radioactive spider.
• Marco Pierre White - He’s going into the Big Brother house. Presumably to bore them all shitless about turkey.
• The Foreplay App – If you need this, you might as well stick it in there and phone it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

10. Some comedians are spectacularly joyless aren’t they? Here’s a tale of them not laughing at crude phalluses – Cock

9. Vijay Singh does the greatest golf shot ever… ever… EVER! IT TRAVELS ON WATER!

8. This is really rather beautiful. A Japanese girl who can fly. How wonderful – Levitate

7. Elmo goes to NASA! Look! – SesameSpace

6. Do you like the Seventies? Well, some bright spark has set up a Tumblr photoblog dedicated to it. – 70s

5. Ever wondered what Mario would look like as a girl? WONDER NO MORE! – SuperMariette

4. Like grunge, riot grrl and 90s US punk? Editor Mof has made a Spotify playlist just for you! – Grrrr

3. The Daily Mail have been stealing from people. You hate the Daily Mail don’t you? Step this way – Yoink!

2. A shooting star, as seen from above! WHOA! Space is cooool! – Fzzz

1. The Telegraph give tips for students moving to university for the first time, such as ‘pack a trunk for your antiques’. Amazing – NoIdea

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!