Cavemen and other badly dressed warriors have been caught up in thousands of blood curdling wars. Some so ferocious and terrifying that Ross Kemp’s gang programme makes him look soft compared to Roman Emperors and Greek Gods who ate babies for pudding.

When people saw sense, removed their spears from their rivals’ intestines and vowed never to fight again, the world became a better place. But then again, these ancient fighters never had to deal with celebrity folk flinging words at each other today. In the creaking era of Britpop, it was Blur vs Oasis, and today everyone is entitled to have a pop at Kerry Katona. Some people, however, feel that arguments with humans are pointless. Why bicker with someone who could counter your argument when you can do it with a technology that can’t respond? Metallica’s James Hetfield certainly thinks so.

Back in the day when most people were illegally filesharing via Napster, Metallica decided that people spreading their angry music for free was a bad thing. We wholeheartedly agree. Who could be arsed to listen to an album full of shouty ramblings when the same effect could be achieved by visiting a working men’s club at throwing-out time? Drunken old people are an untapped source of amusement and chaos. Napster founder Shawn Fanning and whiny drummer Lars Ulrich got at each others throats for a while before resolving their differences over a cup of cocoa and a slice of lemon tart at a local café. We think.

Whilst filesharing gave fans the chance to listen and try out music for free, YouTube is the 21st century version of this for the lazy gig-goer. Don’t fancy spending £50 on a gig ticket? Not bothered about being covered in sweat and piss? Never felt like experiencing a kick in the face from a crowd surfer? Then YouTube is the website for you.

After most major gigs, fans post their experiences for everyone to see. Granted, the picture quality is like playing a glitchy version of Tetris and the sound is like a chainsaw going through brick but don’t worry! If you concentrate really hard, you can maybe make out the chord of a song for a split second. At Metallica’s recent gig in the O2 arena, the sight of the bands fans recording the gig in thirty-second chunks boiled James Hetfield’s piss to make him as narked off as Lars Ulrich. Digital Spy reports:

“Hetfield addressed the crowd early in the show and said: “Put the f***ing cameras away, put the phones away.”

With their new album already leaked all over the internet, some craptastic quality recordings of a promotional gig for the album really can’t do that much harm can they? Maybe they can collaborate with Prince to ban all their material from YouTube. Maybe they can call any material that comes from these anti YouTube sessions Self Centered Twattery Aid. Prince has issues with the internet remember, but not newspapers giving his albums away for free.

Why did Hetfield think the crowd were recording him and his fellow rockers? For all he knew they could have been bored shitless and ringing their mates, ordering a cab after the gig had finished, or ordering a pizza to be delivered outside the venue.

But until the day when he inevitably ends up fronting that show – working title Diddy: It’s Both Oblivious And Obnoxious – we all have to put up with him spouting off endlessly about whatever subjects happen to be ambiently passing through his brain all the time like some sort of dreary old pensionable pub bore, but gangsta.

This time, Diddy has turned his sights on newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Diddy’s not a fan of Sarah Palin, you see – it’s all because Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska and “there aren’t even any crackheads in Alaska.” We’re not joking. We wish we were. Oh, there’s video after the jump, too.

Historians are going to look back on the day when Diddy discovered YouTube and declare it the exact day that the human race started to go wrong. Sure, it had been bad before, what with all the death and war and sadness and whatever, but at least we didn’t have video footage of the man who did that Godzilla song having a piss while describing exactly why he enjoys pissing back then.

It’s not just urination that Diddy enjoys prattling on about on video – he’s also taken to the internet to praise his girlfriend for carrying his children right before he left her. Plus not so long ago Diddy recruited an assistant by posting a video on YouTube, which was a smart move – after all, his ideal candidate was an obese loner with terrible skin and a secret longing that humans could be as understanding as cats.

And now Diddy is using his fondness to push through a political message. It’s all because of Sarah Palin, you see - John McCain has announced her as his running mate in the upcoming election. Leaving aside the fact that seeing elderly white-haired John McCain and younger, marginally sexier Sarah Palin together is like watching a creepy remake of late 1980s ITV nightclub show The Hitman And Her, Sarah Palin has managed to get right up Diddy’s nose.

Why? Has Diddy seen through the seemingly transparent fact that Sarah Palin was only made VP to lure disappointed female Hillary Clinton supporters to the Republican party? No. Is he fundamentally opposed to Sarah Palin’s pro-life, pro-capital punishment worldview? No. Does he disagree with Sarah Palin’s decision to support a bill allowing wolves to be hunted from the sky? Not really.

In fact, Diddy seems most concerned that Sarah Palin comes from Alaska and not too many Alaskans are addicted to crack. Here’s the video…

You know what? It’s easy to mock, but Diddy actually makes some very good points. Michelle Obama really would have been a better choice of Republican vice presidential candidate because, as Diddy points out, it would have been more ’strategic and fly’ to do that. Let’s hope that John McCain sees sense and appoints Diddy as his Chief Strategy And Flyness Advisor. It’s a no-brainer, really – Diddy gets his long dreamed-of position of political power and John McCain gets, um, a nice pair of sunglasses or something.

Oh, and by the way Diddy – Sir Rock Obama? What are you, seven?

Read more:

P. Diddy’s ‘Diddy-Obama Blog’ slams McCain, Alaska – Monsters And Critics

The portly star of a string of comedies over the last couple of years has managed to wow us all with his portrayal of a slobbish stoner with a kind heart, a slobbish stoner with a kind heart and a slobbish stoner with a kind heart. Ron Perlman had better watch his back, as his crown is surely about to be stolen.

That’s right: signs are pointing towards Seth Rogen playing a slobbish stoner with a kind heart in his new movie.

He will star alongside another of the Judd Apatow stable, Jay Baruchel, in the recently announced ‘Jay and Seth vs The Apocalypse‘, where the two chaps find themselves the last men on earth, during an invasion of monsters and, well, realising they can’t stand being around each other.

And did we mention they’re going to be slobbish stoners with kind hearts? Just in case you weren’t sure.

The movie started life as an internet short, aired on little-known video sharing site YouTube. There it became popular over this newfangled “internets” thing and caused people to talk the thing up. Through the combined power of words and public interest, the option to make the actual filmic version of the comedy short soon popped its little face up, meaning we get to see yet another film where the slobbish stoner with a kind heart does funny things.

Some may think there’s a cynical pattern to the things Rogen tends to be involved in, they may think that he’s found himself a niche and aims to exploit it to the fullest, cashing in on the legions of real-life slobbish stoners with kind hearts who flock to his pictures.

Others may come to the shocking conclusion that – while the man is clearly involved in some very funny films (hello Superbad) – he just doesn’t have that great an imagination when it comes to characters.

Hecklerspray sits between the two opinions, goading supporters of each into throwing Molotov cocktails at each other and cackling, cackling as they do so. We know he’s something of a comedy king in recent times, but come on – play a different character sunshine.

Watch the original short here.

Why ‘The Beef’ would want to be hit in the face is open to speculation – maybe he saw that Tarzan scene in the new Indy flick one too many times and felt he needed to take some small steps towards making amends. Namely, through violence. Though, let’s be honest, it would need more than a simple slap to make up for that abortion of a movie moment.

Speculate all we may, the reasons why young Beefy wanted to be left red-faced will probably elude us for a fair time to come. What we don’t need to speculate about is the fact that Shia used a naughty homosexual slur to goad his chum into slapping him, as seen on a YouTube video – which was subsequently pulled from prying public eyes.

That’s right – put the kids to bed, cover granny’s eyes and ears and hope to Zeus that Mary Whitehouse isn’t around – Shia called his friend a ‘faggot’.

Has the world ended yet? No? Phew.

Young movie superstar in using slang term with friends shocker! Now, we at hecklerspray are completely against all forms of -ism and -phobia: racism, homophobia, sexism, dogma, bad sandwiches and many more. But dear crikey if this doesn’t seem like yet another case of something being blown completely out of proportion simply because of a guy’s status.

Beef Stew was filmed with his friends and it got out. The situation wasn’t one intended for the public to witness and it certainly isn’t a situation where the youthful Red Meat should feel the need to heavily censor his language. It’s just as soon as the media parasites get a hold of it, things go mental and LaBeouf is forced into making an awkward apology, through a spokesperson (natch), thusly:

“He regrets having used the word in any capacity and is very embarrassed that this footage is being seen by anyone.”

Roughly translated: ’sorry for anything bad ever to anyone, even things I wasn’t involved in or had no prior knowledge of’. A decent, cover-all-bases apology from Shia. He knows he shouldn’t have said the bad word that will clearly bring about the end of all that is good in the world, but the mere fact that he’s been forced to make a hasty apology and that the powers that be saw the situation as one where a video should be removed shows that this is a classic media over-reaction.

Wait – what do you mean Shia is actually a master criminal? A man-child who constantly breaks the law? Won’t someone please think of the children?!

Whatever next? Bifstek calling Miley Cyrus a bad name? He wouldn’t dare.

Take this little doozy for example: a woefully misguided anti-drugs PSA in which a talking dog decides to harrass a teenage girl about her drug use.

So – what has she been doing? Snorting three lines of coke over breakfast every morning? Jacking up a speedball during SAT revision? Rubbing blotter paper soaked in acid against her cherubic face? No. She’s … well … been smoking the odd joint. Seriously. Smoking weed. That’s it.

All of which is very ironic, because if the events in this commercial happened to us, we’d either:

a) Scream ‘Jesus Christ, a talking dog’, and immediately run to the nearest heroin dealer in order to get so dosed up we forgot this nightmare/

b) Give him a slap and shout ’shut the fuck up, you furry little bastard! Might I remind you whose house this is? I’ll lie on the sofa all day smoking bongs if I want to, thank you very much, you condescending shitwad. Any more of this nonsense and you might find your next bowl of Winalot laced with arsenic. Clear?’

Anyway. See what you think.

But not any more because Prince and Radiohead are at loggerheads – the kind of loggerheads that will either end in legal action or a hot hot dwarf-on-perpetual-student erotic gangbang.

It’s all over YouTube footage of Prince performing Radiohead’s Creep at a festival, you see. Prince being Prince, he’s had all videos removed from the internet; but Radiohead being Radiohead, they want the videos unblocked because they wrote the song. Who’ll win? It’s unclear, but it had better not end up with the gangbang scenario, because that’s going to result in one ugly unwanted baby.

The internet has really thrown some cats among the pigeons of the music industry, and it’s opened up a fairly deep schism. On one side are those who think that the internet is the perfect way to forge grass-roots support free of the machinations of record labels and multi-album distribution deals, and on the other side are those who think that the internet devalues music and that artists should always be compensated for their work.

Previously those two ideas had stayed far apart, but they came crashing together in April when Prince played a version of Radiohead’s Creep at the Coachella festival, a gathering that was otherwise exceptional only because a pig blew off.

What was the Prince version of Creep like? Well, if it was anything like his version of the Foo Fighters song he played in London last year, it was pretty sodding abominable. But the truth is we don’t know what it was like, because Prince has yanked all recordings of it from YouTube and other video sharing websites.

Prince has a hardline stance on the internet. Even though he was possibly the first major artist to use the internet for distribution of his music over a decade ago, he’s since taken against anyone who wants to use his music or image on the internet, even if it’s a video of a baby dancing to a barely audible version of Let’s Go Crazy, and had all unauthorised work removed for breach of copyright.

But now Radiohead claim that Creep’s copyright belongs to Radiohead, and that the videos should go back online. CNN reports:

In a recent interview, Thom Yorke said he heard about Prince’s performance from a text message and thought it was “hilarious.” Yorke laughed when his bandmate, guitarist Ed O’Brien, said the blocking had prevented him from seeing Prince’s version of their song. “Really? He’s blocked it?” asked Yorke, who figured it was their song to block or not. “Surely we should block it. Hang on a moment.” Yorke added: “Well, tell him to unblock it. It’s our … song.”

Of course Radiohead would say that. Radiohead love the internet, to the extent that they’re happy to give their music away for almost free on the internet. Radiohead love the internet and want to kiss it and have lots of sad-faced cyborgy children with it.

But we’re not even going to pretend that we know who’s got the legal upper hand here. However, it’s definitely good that there’s an argument, because it’s bound to cause two very brilliant things indeed:

1 - As a payback, Radiohead will record a special YouTube concert of nothing but Prince covers and refuse to remove the videos no matter what. This is good because as well as being a clever fan-pleasing reversal, it’ll also be funny to watch Thom Yorke – a man who tends to aim for ’sexy’ and hit ’six-year-old boy being ordered to kiss his grandmother goodbye’ – singing a song about a woman wanking herself off with a magazine, and

2 - Prince will stop playing interminable cover versions in the middle of his concerts and just do bloody Alphabet Street like everyone wants.

Or Prince and Radiohead will just keep squabbling until everyone thinks they’re all dicks. And that’s more likely, admittedly.

So Victoria Lindsay much have thr right grumps at the moment. Not so long ago, Victoria Lindsay was viciously beaten by eight mostly-female teenagers who intended to post the video on YouTube and become the new Chocolate Rain or whatever. And when Dr Phil heard about this, he thought “Lummy, a child in danger! Only I can help her!”

Actually that’s not the case at all – Dr Phil thought “Whoopee! Easy ratings!” and decided to make an episode of his show about it, quickly helping one of the suspects post bond so she could appear on it. But now the episode has been cancelled because of Dr Phil’s suspect ethics. And now nobody’s lives will change because a fat bald man shouted a worn-out catchphrase at them. Literally nobody wins.

YouTube, it’s fair to say, is responsible for some really dumb trends. Who can forget the time everyone tried leaping out of their moving cars and dancing on the bonnet because a rapper made a song about it? Or when Paul McCartney invented nodding your head? And if we see one more dramatic chipmunk on the street begging for money, we won’t be held responsible for our actions.

But perhaps the stupidest YouTube craze around is the craze of beating people up on camera and putting it on YouTube. Not because of the physical and psychological trauma that the victim will inevitably go through – frankly those babies need to man up a bit – but because if the attackers are stupid enough to film their own faces on the entire internet as they beat someone up, then they probably deserve to be arrested.

This craze has already cost one aspiring singer her spot on X Factor, and now a bunch of people won’t be going on Dr Phil about it either. But that’s not to say that Dr Phil didn’t try really really hard to get them on anyway.

Recently eight Florida teenagers were arrested and variously charged with felonious battery, kidnapping and false imprisonment after attacking 16-year-old Victoria Lindsay and filming it with intent to post the video on YouTube. During the attack Victoria suffered concussion, eye and ear damage and was knocked unconscious.

As well as being a horrific individual case, the attack also preys on the general public’s fears of youth and technology, which sounds perfect for a Dr Phil episode – after all, if an overweight, dubiously-qualified man can’t save these attackers by shouting a lot of half-baked self-help slogans at them in front of a crowd of easily-convinced rednecks then all is lost.

Trouble is, some of the teenage suspects couldn’t meet bail – which is why someone working for Dr Phil decided to step in and and free them. And that little manoeuvre has arsed up the episode for good, as the New York Times reports:

Dr. Phil pulled the plug on plans for a story on the Florida teenagers jailed for participating in a videotaped beating after learning that members of his staff helped one of the eight suspects post bond…Terri Corigliano, a spokeswoman for “Dr. Phil” McGraw, wrote in an e-mail message that “in this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines (re the bail being paid). These staff members have been spoken to and our policies reiterated. In addition, we have decided not to go forward with the story as our guidelines have been compromised.”

It’s just another blow for Dr Phil, who just can’t stop suffering these embarrassing setbacks. First Dr Phil’s proposed Britney Spears episode was ditched because Britney’s family said he was exploitative and only interested in self-promotion, and now this has come along, too.

But don’t worry Dr Phil, we’re sure one day a terrible news story will turn up that you’ll be allowed to pounce on and profit from for the sake of nothing but a simplistic desire for ratings. Your time will come, you great big adorable bear.

Read more:

Intervention Scuttles a Dr. Phil Show – NYT