Before YouTube, embarrassing yourself in public required effort. Thanks to the glory of a site built around cat videos and the T-Mobile commercials that precede them, anyone can be told that, because of the way that gravity forced them awkwardly into a pool, that their mother is gay and probably sleeping with the commenter.
This system is best applied to the way people fall and the way people decide to express what their favorite song is. The seven entries in this list apply to the latter of these.
These are seven people whose love for a certain artist couldn’t save them. Prepare for the purest form of human shame.
Bubba Sparxxx – “Miss New Booty”
The singer in this clip enjoys the song, and, for that reason, hopes that her “friends” on Stickam enjoy it too. She then proceeds to butcher “Miss New Booty”, in what is the equivalent of trying to get someone hyped to see the movie Titanic by bashing pots and pans together above a full bath tub.
She’s doomed from the start, which is a very subjective term, considering that her timing is off immediately. This continues off and on throughout the entire video, as the song plays and she provides interpretation for people who wondered what “Miss New Booty” would sound like if the microphone was made of a Wendy’s Frostee tongue freeze and the state of Alabama. Sometimes words are combined in this cover, most famously in the form of “Miss Moogoo” or dropped altogether. You’d be surprised what enunciation can do for a tune about getting it right and getting it tight.
At times, she seems surprised that she’s even doing the song, since she pauses to chuckle to herself at random intervals, as if a secret part of her brain is screaming at her “STICKAM IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.” She chooses to ignore this though, and the song slowly develops into an entirely new, but still garbled, piece of music. My favorite portion of the entire video, however, is when she decides to liven it up by getting closer to the camera and dancing, but it’s less of a dance and more of a way to signal rescue planes that the emergency meals didn’t come with enough gravy powder packets.
Flyleaf – “I’m So Sick”
Songs that require screaming are the best way to prove to your vocal chords that you’re over them. This video really only has one highlight and it’s the part where she yells the word “Break!” which occurs in the exact middle. To be honest, I’ve only listened to the first thirty seconds of the original song, which is enough time to realize that “I’m So Sick” is actually a piece about telling your genitals why you don’t need them anymore, and also that they’re not wearing nearly enough eye liner to pull off those Skullcandy headphones.
Adele – “Rollin’ In The Deep”
Providing shout-outs on YouTube is the best way to explain to the world that you’re lonely, without actually using the word. The shout-outs here last nearly two minutes, which makes the suspense of waiting for her to sing the severely overplayed Adele song almost unbearable. But it’s worth it in the end, because we all knew that the world needed an Adele cover sung literally through someone’s nostril, but we were far too bashful to ask for it.
She spends most of the song gasping for breath, and you get the same feeling watching this as you do whenever you walk through the intensive care section of a hospital. You’re not exactly sure of the specifics of it, but something is certainly dying here.
The song cuts off toward the end and then skips a bit until the finish. This seems to anger the person singing, as she says “Aww, are you serious?” rather than the natural human response of “I’m free? The sorcerer’s curse is finally over?” She also has a video dedicated To All Those Hatin Ass People, where she says that she can’t care less about people’s criticisms, which is fairly obvious, considering that she felt the need to make a video responding to them.
Taylor Swift – “Should’ve Said No”
When deciding to risk the chance of humiliation by putting a cover of a song on the internet, where is the step of “Have a video of the original artist playing in the background?” I imagine it’s somewhere between Step 1: Will everyone think I’m insane? and Step 3: Fuck it. Either way, the singer in this video has Taylor Swift singing the same song behind her, which I liken to the last third of Back To The Future Part II, except old Marty McFly was still played by Michael J. Fox, but new Marty McFly was replaced by David Spade’s tonsil operation.
Taylor Swift’s genre of choice seems to fluctuate between Country and Pop, but the singer here puts her in the genre of someone doing a cover of a Chipmunk’s song that’s doing a cover of The Chipmunks pleading for their lives. Once again, technology attempts to sabotage the singer by cutting off and skipping the music, but the power of will trumps the power of shoddy WiFi any day of the week. At another point, the video she’s singing over seems to cut to people talking, and she responds to it by blankly staring into the camera, waiting for her chance to continue the audition for the role of “Dog Whistle” in the animated film, Give Me One Good Reason To Let You Live, Snoopy!”
The website, World Star Hip Hop, is great for checking out new hip hop videos and watching compilations of people beating each other to near death. Sometimes, however, it will let us have little gems like this, a four-year-old singing about getting those ho’s. The site lists this as a Parenting Fail, but that’s kind of like ending Zero Dark Thirty with a slap on the wrist and dropping Osama’s green card to a yellow one.
In the background of the video, a person refuses to stop clapping. This is a shame since the little girl has the best rhythm of anyone on the list. At the end, the little girl covers her face, probably embarrassed of what she’s just done, which I completely understand. I can’t wait for the follow up cover, “Parenting Fail: Five-Year-Old Actually Gets That Ho.”
Europe – “The Final Countdown”
In the first second of the video, a child runs off screen, too ashamed to be a part of what’s about to happen. That means that the band playing does so in front of this sad, open area, as if life itself has too much pride to take part in what is going down. The keyboard sounds like it was done with a clarinet and the guitarist doesn’t help at all in making the tune recognizable. After the concert, I’m sure he shook his head and said “I’m sorry, guys. I was so sure that the set list said ‘Reasons Why I Should Apply To Grad School.”
The singer doesn’t help matters, as he has the stage presence of the wooden platforms used to support him. He shambles around like a background character in the first ten seconds of a 5 Hour Energy commercial and when he does sing, even the words “Oooooh” sound like a deaf person trying to get their language teacher fired. At one point he raises his arm, and sharply drops it, because God heard the noise and needed to do something about it. The video cuts off abruptly in the end, which I think is the videographer giving a shout-out to unemployment checks.
Whitney Huston – “I Will Always Love You”
This video is the most terrifying of the bunch, as the singer will apologize to the invisible demons in her room, stationed to the right of her and just above her head. She also seems to be playing this during one of those games that tells you to stick your face close to the computer before surprising you with a roaring Halloween mask, because she screams, not just whenever she flubs a note, but whenever she feels like it.
There is not a lot to this cover, as the singer is determined to finish just one single line of the chorus. She never does it to her satisfaction though, and the mix of screaming and bizarre tonal shifts must be what happens whenever a schizophrenic person watches The Bodyguard. Towards the end, she covers the camera and sings into blackness for a few seconds, but it’s futile, since forces of darkness are what spawned the initiative to do this cover anyway.