Notice how the sun’s not shining quite as brightly today? Notice how everyone looks considerably more miserable today?

It’s because Jedward were kicked off X Factor last night. And Lloyd wasn’t. Honestly, people are stupid. Anyway, last night’s X Factor was George Michael night and, by and large, it was a gigantic disappointment. We were looking forward to seeing Olly doze off behind the wheel of a Range Rover and Danyl masturbate furiously inside a public lavatory. Didn’t happen. Heartbroken.

Still, at least the X Factor recap is here to cheer us up…

Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd knows that he’s probably the weakest act left in this year’s X Factor, which is why he prefaced Saturday’s performance with the declaration that he was going to sing harder than he’s ever sung before. And that was demonstrated during his rendition of Faith. Or, as Lloyd sang it, Fuhhhhf. Because, you see, Lloyd’s idea of singing harder than ever before involves sounding like a weasel’s fart instead of a mouse’s fart. Honestly, it was awful – as weedy and disinterested as listening to an Open University audiotape of a middle-aged librarian flatly listing different types of dust. On the other hand, Lloyd decided to change the angle of his hair by about 15 degrees for Saturday’s X Factor – which is obviously a creative vault on a par with Dylan going electric – so no wonder he’s still safe. Christ.

Stacey Solomon – Having jettisoned the whole ‘moving around’ experiment for good, possibly on the basis that she moves with all the grace of a newborn giraffe trying to ice-skate after its first taste of alcohol, X Factor has decided to rebrand Stacey Solomon. She’s now ‘The Voice’. That’s not strictly accurate, because Stacey is technically ‘The Two Voices’ – the quite good singing voice and the speaking voice that makes her sound like Janet Street Porter in the middle of a debilitating panic attack. But still, on Saturday’s X Factor Stacey demonstrated her new title by singing I Can’t Make You Love Me in a way that made every note last just a little bit too long. And to her credit, Stacey gave a classic X Factor performance. Classic in the sense that it was boring, didn’t really go anywhere and made us turn over to idly watch a few seconds of a BBC2 documentary about German architecture in the middle, but whatever.

John And Edward – On Saturday’s X Factor, John And Edward performed a medley of I’m Your Man and Wham Rap, which was billed as their toughest performance yet. Which it obviously was, since it marked the first time that John And Edward had attempted a song that has actually got notes in it. And, despite performing most of it from the top of a dangerously unstable-looking scaffolding rig, John And Edward more or less pulled it off. However, when it was over Simon Cowell raised the issue of whether they were being asked to do too much, because their performance was essentially made up of two different songs and a high-energy dance routine. But we say tish to all that – we wanted them to be given even more! Next week we wanted to see John And Edward sing 14 different songs while reversing climate change, tap-dancing like Sammy Davis Jr and defusing a dirty bomb. With their arses. But that won’t happen now, will it Britain? You wankers.

Danyl Johnson – It was widely reported last week that Danyl Johnson had thrown a gigantic tantrum during X Factor rehearsals because he was being forced to sing a crap song. So what was he given as a replacement? That’s right, Careless Whisper. You’re a sick man, Simon Cowell. Anyway, this was a brave reinterpretation of Careless Whisper – not only was the famous saxophone introduction removed, but Danyl also decided to add a part in the middle that went “AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” Aside from that, it was typical Danyl Johnson performance – it was loud, cocky, performed in the style of a South Park Canadian and for the life of us we don’t understand why anybody liked it.

Olly Murs – Throughout X Factor, Olly Murs has only been given old-fashioned songs to sing. So, to mix things up, X Factor decided to make him sing something current on Saturday. You know, something contemporary and modern. You know, something to establish his credentials as a bleeding-edge performer for the 21st century. So they made him sing Fast Love. You know, the song from 13 and a half years ago that sounds identical to that song where Jimmy Nail shouts “She’s lying!” a lot. And, to be fair, it is a contemporary song – there’s a good chance that crappy local radio stations still play it on Friday nights to help pikeys gear up to binge-drink themselves into unconsciousness at horrible provincial nightclubs called things like Rusty’s. Still, Olly’s version of Fast Love allowed him a brief dance interlude, which might have been good if only Olly hadn’t used it as an excuse to shake a little nugget of poo from the bottom of his trouser legs. At least that’s what it looked like he was doing, anyway.

Joe McElderry – When Joe McElderry finished singing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me on Saturday’s X Factor, all the judges gave him a standing ovation. It was odd – at first we assumed that a fire alarm had gone off and the studio was being evacuated – because it certainly didn’t deserve a reaction that enthusiastic. It might have been similar to the original from a technical standpoint, but it was a horrible John Barrowman of a performance. All the notes were there, but there was nothing behind Joe’s eyes. Apart from teeth. That boy sure does have a lot of teeth. And he didn’t even shout “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John!” halfway through the song. That’s the best bit. And you can’t trust anyone who sings that song and doesn’t change the words of the chorus to “Don’t let your mum go down on me,” either. Stupid Joe. Stupid world.

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The good and not so good.

Folded:

• The Road (not out in the UK until next year, but here is an early review because we can)
• Also coming next year: a game with hats (about time)
• Busting X Factor (vote for Jedward. They’ll win and the whole show will implode)
• Speeding (you might be able to. You are a doctor, right?)
• Emmanuelle Chriqui (hotter than Megan Fox, mainly because, unlike Fox, she doesn’t wear more make-up than your mother)

Creased:

• The singing guy who rips our ears out before, during and after every episode of Scrubs on E4 (we’re not the only ones)
• Jordan’s face (was never normal, but now she looks like Peter Weller, minus helmet, in Robocop)
• Remember Indy surviving a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge? Want to recreate that mess in your bedroom for $175? (Here you go)
• The airport level in Modern Warfare 2 (Brooker has written about it and, as usual, he’s spot on)
• Rain (damn it, give us a rest will you?!)

9 - That Channel 4 3D season. Not great, is it? – Watchwithmothers

8 - Kim Kardashian with her mouth taped up. Make the most of it, folks – AmyGrindhouse

7 - Boy, Chris Rock’s dinner parties sure sound fun - Monsters And Critics

6 - Holy crap. Olly Murs from X Factor did Deal Or No Deal once. Good job he’s better at doing godawful Jamiroquai impressions than he is at saying some numbers to a man with a crap beard, eh? – Interestment

5 – Literally everything you could ever wish to know about John Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever suit – Clothesonfilm

4 - A chair, floating into space. Marvellous – Asylum

3 - A list of the 30 greatest action figures from the 1980s. We had 11. Anyone care to beat that? – Gunaxin

2 – But who wants to see a teddy bear stitched together from a placenta? – ABC

1 - We may have said this many times before, but Robert Popper is possibly the best man who ever lived…

Last night Jamie Archer was kicked out of X Factor, and our weekends just aren’t going to be the same ever again.

Admittedly that’s because there’s now going to be a space of two minutes during our weekends where we won’t hunt our living room for some knitting needles to jam into our ears, but still. Jamie Archer left X Factor on Queen Night which, if you didn’t know, also doubles as Deliberately Make Freddie Mercury Try To Curse Brian May From Beyond The Grave Night.

But, hey, let’s give you that X Factor recap you’ve been gasping for, eh?

Jamie Archer – Because Jamie used last week’s X Factor to sing a song about crying from a film about a prostitute with Down’s syndrome and about three people didn’t completely hate it, Jamie realised that it was a turning point for him. From now on, Jamie declared, he’d do things his way. And it turns out that ‘his way’ basically means ‘performing Radio Ga Ga to a backing track so deafening that you can barely hear him at all, constantly shouting ludicrous cruise ship singer platitudes like “Are you with me?” at the audience and generally coming off like an obnoxious child in a clown wig acting out his favourite Hitler fantasy to such a horrific extent that it’d cause him to be voted off X Factor forever’. Who knew?

Lloyd Daniels - You know what? We want Lloyd to stay in X Factor for a little bit longer. We don’t want him to win, obviously – we’re not mental – but we’ve realised that Lloyd does provide the best entertainment of every Saturday night. Not with his singing, obviously – we’re not mental – but because of the moment when it becomes painfully clear that his celebrity mentor hates him. Robbie Williams hated him, Whitney Houston hated him and, on Saturday, it turned out that the remnants of Queen hate him too. And you could see why – watching his rendition of Crazy Little Thing Called Love was like watching a barely sentient toddler nervously free-associate to himself. And, despite prattling on about what a big performance he had to give, all Lloyd actually did was stand still while a handful of girls with wing mirrors jutting out of their tits waggled around next to him. That said, it was Lloyd’s best performance of the competition. That said, it still made us want to kill ourselves.

Olly Murs – On Saturday’s X Factor, Olly performed Don’t Stop Me Now, which seemed like an unnecessarily cruel taunt. Actually, that’s unfair. In truth, Olly is rapidly emerging as the frontrunner to win X Factor. That’s OK because a) rather him than Jamie Pubehead, and b) he’s bound to be a Leon Jackson instead of a Leona Lewis, so he won’t be around for long anyway. But there is one thing that concerns us about Olly Murs, and that’s his dancing. At various points through his performance, Olly wiggled his fingers about like a paedophile, violently jerked backwards and forwards like someone was ramming a red-hot poker down his urethra against his will and goose-stepped around like he was cautiously trying to navigate a narrow corridor that had been covered in giant steaming hot clods of animal shit. Maybe he should try shattering his femur instead of his little finger next week. That should put an end to it.

Joe McElderry - Here’s what we hated about Joe McElderry’s version of Somebody To Love on Saturday’s X Factor – 1) It was another musical theatre version of a song, only this time the musical would also star Michael Ball and Michael Crawford and be called What A Horrible Bunch Of Cocks. 2) Judging by the profound lack of passion that Joe put into the performance, we can only assume he thought it was a song about somebody looking his slippers. 3) We can’t see Joe McElderry sing without thinking “But if you’re here, who’s starring in all the late-1990s TV commercials for Sunny Delight?” 4) He’s got way too many teeth. Here’s what we liked about Joe McElderry’s version of Somebody To Love on Saturday’s X Factor – no, just kidding. It was unremittingly terrible.

John And Edward – Something really weird happened on Saturday’s X Factor. John And Edward were good. And not good in a ‘wahey, let’s destroy Simon Cowell!’ way, either. They actually showed a base level of musical competency. They performed a mixture of Under Pressure and Ice Ice Baby, and the singing was in tune and the rapping was in time and they more or less danced properly, too. This sounds weird to say, but John And Edward have – gulp – grown as performers. This might be a terrible sign – it means that next week they’ll probably perform a stripped-down, painfully sincere version of I Want To Know What Love Is because they want to show ‘the real Jedward’ to the public – but it might mean that John And Edward and going to keep improving every week until they can cure world hunger with the power of their voices alone. The prophesy was TRUE!

Stacey Solomon – For a few weeks now, X Factor has been buggering about with Stacey’s formula by trying to get her to sing up-tempo numbers, and this hasn’t been good for her. However, on Saturday’s X Factor they just let Stacey do what she does best – blast out a full-tilt power ballad and then gibber like Frank Spencer having an asthma attack immediately afterwards. Stacey’s version of Who Wants To Live Forever – apart from the cheapo fanfare at the beginning which was meant to make her look like the queen but actually made her look like the host of a particularly ropey 1980s gameshow – was possibly the best of the night. It was almost like watching Shirley Bassey belt out a prime-era Bond theme, but not quite as good, because Bond themes traditionally don’t have middle-aged Irish pixies yelling “Stacey, it’s loike yew’ve bin doing dis fer yeers un yeers un yeers” into the sky like fat little dickheads immediately afterwards.

Danyl Johnson – So, Danyl Johnson – the man who’s been uniformly criticised for his unwarranted cockiness since X Factor began – chose X Factor’s Queen Night to sing a song called We Are The Champions, as originally performed by a man who unironically used to wear a crown and a velvet cape. This was never going to end well, and it didn’t. But not for the reasons you might think – instead of being his usual overbearingly smug self, Danyl’s version of the song was actually desperately underwhelming and not celebratory in the slightest. But still, at least Danyl located what was missing from the original – a bit that goes “Wooooah-a-oooah-a-oooooah” in the middle for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Git.

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Oh yeah, everyone’s gone crazy bananas ever since Simon Cowell allowed the public to cast Lucie Jones back to her dreary Welsh village, where she can forever plat people’s hair, and regale them with tales about the time she wore razor-cut denim, and sung a song that no one had ever heard of.

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” they will ask. “I’m Lucie Jones,” she will declare, standing up from her seat, imagining the warmth of a spotlight once again caressing her stupid Welsh face. “Lucie Jones, the lonely girl from Wales, who went on to national fame and stardom… for about a month.” She’ll then either start frenziedly hacking at her own arms, or take up board and lodgings in whichever dumpster Shane Ward and Leon Jackson have now decided to call home.

The point being that it doesn’t matter one jot that Cowell saved those turdish Irish twins at the weekend. Like the rest of them, fast forward a few months, and they will be touching themselves for coins in some rancid little corner of the internet. This is an early-evening variety show – Leona Lewis and JLS aside, it doesn’t produce actual stars. So everyone should just shut up.

Plus it’s not the first time that the important X Factor judges/general public have cocked things up anyway. Read on, and we’ll tell you some more…

1. Rowetta didn’t win the first series

Rowetta, to jog your memory, was the Madchester casualty who spoke like someone had removed her voice box and replaced it with a Moog keyboard set to “random”. And yet, the woman could sing like she was splodged on planet Earth for the sole purpose of interpreting songs in the style of Shirley Bassey with ‘roid rage. Yes, she was that amazing. But was she good enough for the demanding X Factor audience? Hell no, sister. They liked Steve Brookstein much more, mainly because he occasionally pointed to his girlfriend when he sang, and then once whimpered like a great big flannel when Sharon Osbourne told him off in front of the entire country. We’d love to say that Rowetta had the last laugh, but, really, she didn’t.

2. They kept Chico in for about two months too long

Forget the gurning Irish idiots, Chico was like a nation of pillocks rolled into one. He even had a catchphrase, which we shouted along to – What time is it? Chico time! – which makes us hate him even more. He made us look like total twats. The judges had the chance to get rid of the lurching, tone deaf imbecile in week one, then again in weeks three, and seven, but they didn’t. But did we complain, as Addictiv Ladies, Phillip Magee and The Conway Sisters slumped into the metaphorical roadside ditch? No, we couldn’t give a shit.

3. The show validated the existence of Journey South and The McDonald Brothers

Of particular horror were Journey South, a set of dead-eyed brothers who sang U2 songs, whilst staring gormlessly into the middle-distance. Each time the judges cast their verdicts, it was like they were talking to a couple of discarded puppets, draped on stage, unaware of what was going on. A nightmare scenario would be to attend a dinner party hosted by the brothers, mainly because the highlight of the evening would be explaining in detail your exact route from your house to theirs. Ditto all of the above for the McDonald Brothers, with the only defining difference being that they were Scottish.

4. The judges kicked out Laura White

Forget Alexandra Burke, the real star of last year’s X Factor was Laura White, who dominated the early weeks with her amazing jazz/soul voice. She was head and shoulders above the rest. But then, for some ungodly reason, she was kicked off by the judges just halfway through the show – missing out in the sing-off to Ruth Lorenzo, who, admittedly, had startling breasts. Even so, it was a travesty. A total travesty.

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X Factor has ditched Lucie Jones. And it hasn’t ditched John And Edward. We feel dirty saying this, but we want to kiss  Simon Cowell on his face.

But anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Songs From The Movies night. And, in fact, it was the first episode of X Factor where all the contestants chose to perform numbers from the same movie – a 1983 VHS home recording of a feral street cat being repeatedly punched in the testicles. Or that’s what it sounded like, at least. We might be wrong.

Anyway, you came here for an X Factor recap, so let’s give you one…

Stacey Solomon – For Saturday’s performance of Son Of A Preacher Man, the entire X Factor production team did its best to make Stacey look like a saucy little sexpot. How did it accomplish this? By squeezing her into a pair of trousers three sizes too small for her, teaching her to wobble about as if she was drunk and getting her to sing a middling version of a song that everyone is already sick of. Did it work? That depends on your definition of sexy. Would Stacey have looked sexy if she was in a group of supermodels? No. Would she have looked sexy if she was in a sparsely-attended karaoke night designed exclusively for Dagenham-based single mothers and you were a bit drunk and it was about three o’clock in the morning? Possibly. Mission accomplished, then.

Olly Murs – On last week’s X Factor, Olly Murs performed Come Together. And this week he performed Twist And Shout. Incidentally, if this ‘Olly Murs Sings Hits Made Famous By The Beatles‘ fad is going to be a regular thing, can we put in an early request for Revolution 9 next week please? Thanks. Anyway, Olly declared that he was going to make Twist And Shout sound modern, but then he proceeded to sing it in exactly the same way that everyone on the planet has ever sung it. So can we count his performance as a failure? No, because Olly did a little dance in the middle where he pulled a face that made him look like a semi-deflated vinyl sex doll. And vinyl sex dolls are quite modern, aren’t they? Aren’t they? Anyone?

Lloyd Daniels – For X Factor’s Songs From The Movies episode, Lloyd Daniels decided to sing Stand By Me. You know, from the movie Butt Babes 3 or something. But, to be fair to Lloyd, he did manage to make the song his own. And by ‘his own’, we mean ‘dreary and flat and concussed and terrible’. However, Lloyd knows that his only hope of X Factor survival rests on him being able to act like an adorable stupid-haired puppy, which is why he sang some of his song directly to Cheryl Cole. And that would have been adorable, if only Cheryl Cole hadn’t spoilt it by pulling a face that made it look like she was trying to squeeze lemons with her sphincter. Or maybe that’s just her natural expression. We’ve lost the ability to tell.

Jamie Archer – Now, this is most unlike us, but we’re going to have to award Jamie Archer some points for using X Factor to sing a song from Gummo – the first time a Saturday teatime ITV talent contest has ever referenced a film about a man forcing his Down’s syndrome sister to be a prostitute. However, we’re going to have to knock points off for Jamie’s decision to pick Roy Orbison’s Crying from the soundtrack, when it would have been just as easy to pick Devil Worshipping Son Of A Bitch by Electric Hellfire Club, Hellish Blasphemy by Nifelheim or Mom And Dad’s Pussy by Destroy All Monsters. And we’ll knock off further points because, rather than sing “I’ve been crying,” Jamie chose to shout “Ugh! Bin! CRAAAAAAYN!” at the top of his voice instead. And we’ll knock off further points because Jamie was doubled over for most of his performance like he was suffering from a severe case of gastroenteritis and didn’t know which end he was going to be ill out of first. And we’ll knock off further points because Jamie’s a twat. Only seems fair.

Lucie Jones – On Saturday’s X Factor, Lucie wouldn’t shut up about how her song choice would finally show everyone who she really was. And, since she performed some old shit from a Jonas Brothers film, it turns out that she’s a bland, slightly tedious 10th generation photocopy of Alanis Morissette and nobody likes her. Who knew?

Danyl Johnson – We were promised a new Danyl Johnson on Saturday’s X Factor, and that’s what we got. In case you were wondering, the new Danyl Johnson is exactly the same as the old Danyl Johnson, except he’s got slightly shorter hair. And maybe a little more compassion for humanity as well. After all, Danyl chose to sing Purple Rain which – given the extent that Prince hates YouTube – means that we won’t ever see it online again. Thanks, Danyl! It was a decent Purple Rain, but it probably wasn’t as good as Ruth Lorenzo’s Purple Rain from last year. Maybe that’s what Danyl needs to make people like him – gigantic tits.

John & Edward – Oh thank God. John & Edward are back to their Oops… I Did It Again best. Choosing to sing Ghostbusters on Saturday’s X Factor was a masterstroke – it doesn’t really have a lot of singing in it, it allowed them to wear silly outfits and – best of all – it had plenty of spaces in it for them both to shout things like “JOHN, SAVE ME!” and “SCARY!” while rolling around on their backs like a couple of babies with shitty nappies. A woman dressed as Sigourney Weaver electrocuted them both at one point. It was amazing. So now that’s out of their system, we’d like John & Edward to try a serious song next week. Like The Greatest Love Of All. Yes, that one please.

Joe McElderry – On Saturday’s X Factor Joe performed Circle Of Life, the song from The Lion King that’s about Elton John’s bumhole. And, credit where it’s due, Joe knocked out a note-perfect performance – it’s just a shame that it’s a shit song so all the notes were stupid to begin with. The performance started, didn’t really go anywhere and then tailed off at the end, and the only real constant was Joe’s silly grin. Some people grin because they’re happy. Other people grin because they’re idiots. And Joe used to be fat, so he can’t be very happy, can he?

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X Factor’s Rock Night on Saturday wasn’t very good for Rachel Adedeji, because it finally saw them get the boot from the show.

But they didn’t get the worst deal of it. No, that would be us. Because we had to watch the poxy thing. Honestly, we think ‘Rock Night’ might have been a typo – surely it was really called Cock Night or Suck Night or Let’s Transparently Try And Make Jamie Look Better Than He Actually Is Night. Yick.

Anyway, let’s have a bit of an X Factor recap, shall we?

Joe McElderry – From watching the last episode of The Sopranos, we know that Don’t Stop Believing usually acts as a signal that somebody is going to get mercilessly gunned down by an anonymous assassin. So imagine how disappointed we were when we discovered that Joe’s rendition of the song on Saturday’s X Factor only caused a couple of crappy dancers to come onstage and over-dramatically throw themselves around like they were in some sort of awful Spanish-language soap opera. In short, Joe’s performance was a bit insipid and plastic and empty – but, hey, as soon as X Factor initiates a Fey Songs From Bad Musicals Night, he’ll be laughing.

Lucie Jones – The start of Lucie’s performance saw her sitting on a sofa, which pretty much reinforced everything we thought about X Factor – namely that it learnt everything it knows about rock music from that dreadful Nickelback DFS advert. Anyway, after Simon Cowell’s scathing review of her song from the previous week, Lucie needed to prove that she had the chops to be a relevant, current artist. So she obviously chose to sing Sweet Child O’ Mine, a song recorded four years before she was even born. Nice going, Lucie. Still, she did it while wearing quite a lot of eye make-up, which is apparently all you need to pass for relevant and current these days, so that’s OK. We still have two problems with Lucie Jones, though – 1) we still don’t quite believe anything she does, and 2) we couldn’t really pay attention to her performance because we were too busy thinking about how much we wanted to punch her guitarist right in his idiot face.

Danyl Johnson – Last week Danyl Johnson found himself in the bottom two; a position that almost all the X Factor contestants will eventually find themselves in. And, with all the decorum and restraint that we’ve come to expect from him over the last few weeks, Danyl reacted to it like he’d just been forced to watch a video of his entire family getting stabbed to death. So distraught was Danyl, in fact, that instead of performing Don’t Want To Miss A Thing in the traditional way on Saturday, he decided to sing it in the style of a man having an electrical current intermittently passed through his testicles. It was dreadful, but that didn’t stop Simon from leaping to his feet the moment it was over. Or maybe his bollocks were being electrocuted as well. Who knows?

Lloyd Daniels – We’ve been hard on Lloyd since the start of X Factor, so now we’re going to compliment him. His performance of I Kissed A Girl on Saturday was his best yet. Now, admittedly that’s because it was so full of dancers and backing singers and guitars and lights that we honestly wouldn’t have noticed if he and his stupid vole’s fart of a voice weren’t there. And, admittedly, that’s also because it was only forgettable instead of outright awful. But, nonetheless, it was Lloyd’s best performance yet. Maybe next week he’ll even be able to sing a song all the way through without making us think “But if you’re there, who’s stacking the shelves at Costcutter?” Stranger things have happened.

Stacey Solomon – If you read these X Factor recaps regularly, you maybe remember a few weeks ago, after Stacey performed a Coldplay song, we said: “Maybe next week Stacey Solomon will sing a Keane song and Louis Walsh will have an aneurysm.” Listen you X Factor idiots, that was A JOKE. We didn’t actually want Stacey Solomon to sing a Keane song. We were TAKING THE PISS. JESUS. Honestly, what is it with Stacey and godawful bedwetter schmindie music? Next thing you know she’ll be singing the greatest sodding hits of bloody Travis. THAT WAS ALSO A JOKE, X FACTOR. PLEASE DON’T MAKE STACEY SOLOMON SING THE GREATEST SODDING HITS OF BLOODY TRAVIS. Christ. Anyway, it was Stacey’s worst performance yet. Like you needed to be told.

Jamie Archer – Rod Stewart must be breathing a sigh of relief today, because he’s officially no longer the man behind the worst-ever cover version of Rocks by Primal Scream. That honour now goes to X Factor’s Jamie Archer, who on Saturday ground out a tediously workmanlike performance of the song before pumping his arms and doing jubilant laps of honour around the stage like Jamie Oliver’s paste-eating nephew. At one point Jamie shouted “Everybody in the house!” We’ve never wanted anyone to piss off quite so much in our entire lives.

Rachel Adedeji – The problem with Rachel Adedeji, right, is that X Factor wasn’t a singing competition for her. No, it somehow turned into a competition to see if the stylists could find her a haircut that wasn’t completely shit before she got voted off. And that’s a shame, because there’s a good chance that her performance of One on Saturday was the best of the night. If you like that sort of thing. Which we don’t. And nor do you. Obviously.

John & Edward – We never thought we’d say this, but we were a little bit disappointed by John & Edward’s performance on Saturday night’s X Factor. True, they had a nice few touches – rather than sing 1977’s We Will Rock You by Queen they sang 2000’s craptastic We Will Rock You by 5ive (feat. Queen), and they didn’t appear to know how either versions of the song went – but each week they’re straying further and further away from what made their majestic version of Oops… I Did It Again so superhuman. We don’t want hamfisted stabs at attitude, damn you. We want spoken word interludes. We want barely concealed hints of homosexual incest. We want, as if we need to spell it out, to hear John & Edward do Give Him A Great Big Kiss by the Shangri-Las. MAKE IT HAPPEN, LOUIS WALSH.

Olly Murs - Sometimes we’re glad that Mark Chapman shot John Lennon, you know. Saturday was one of those occasions. Because we get the feeling that, if John Lennon was alive to watch Olly’s version of Come Together on Saturday’s X Factor – with all its stupid dancing and stupid lip-licking and stupid “HUH!” interjections and stupid shirt-tearing and all the creepy sex expressions plastered all over Olly’s stupid big face – then he’d probably have ended up shooting himself.

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What do Michael Jackson and STDs have in common? They are both annoying and won’t go away. No matter how much you itch, apply cream and shower. Oh, that might just be our crabs.

Genuinely, we thought Michael Jackson’s This Is It film would be the last from him. We’d get to laugh at the fake footage of him jumping from bridges, swinging from buildings and making fans believe he wasn’t drugged up and close to being in a coma. Now we’ve heard word that Michael Jackson is making a technical comeback with this year’s X Factor monkeys. All for charity of course. Like that helps.

There are a few details to get out the way. Firstly, the song that has been chosen is Michael Jackson’s You Are Not Alone. Ideally, all of the acts are meant to take it in turn to carefully reinterpret the timeless classic. Otherwise Joe Jackson will be on hand with his motivational tool, called the ‘encouragement belt’. However, we know that John and Edward will totally make it their own and out-do every other act there.

Is the choice of song down to the simple fact that X Factor bosses want to pay tribute to Michael Jackson? After all, before he died it was rumoured that the legend was due to moonwalk his way around the stage and tell all the contestants they were beautiful and special inside. Or, as we think, is someone just having a big massive laugh at his expense? Let’s look at the evidence.

The money raised by the X Factor single is going to Great Ormond Street. Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for charity as hospitals help people get better so they can do productive stuff with their lives. However, for anyone who doesn’t know, Great Ormond Street is a charity for sick children. Anyone spot the slight irony?

Whether Michael Jackson was guilty or not, it seems unfair that an American singer who was accused of child molestation should be allowed to have the charity honours with the English X Factor finalists. After all, the UK has got plenty of its own. Why couldn’t they have done a version of Gary Glitter’s I Love You Love Me produced by Jonathan King instead, huh? Don’t be afraid of your Britishness, X Factor! Heatworld reports:

“The 12 finalists have covered the Michael Jackson classic You Are Not Alone, and they’ll be performing the song during the results show on Sunday 15 November, when the track will also be available for download.”

There we are then. A guaranteed charity X Factor number one to quite likely stay at the top spot until John and Edward get the Christmas number one with their winning X Factor performance.

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Time for us to recap X Factor – the show so preposterous that it makes 2012 look like a low-budget Scandinavian arthouse film about lesbians.

As you probably saw last night Miss Frank became the latest contestant to leave X Factor. And it was a shock – specifically because the British public had the chance to forget about Danyl Johnson forever, and they blew it. Idiots.

Anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Big Band night, which is historically the least unbearable show of the series. So let’s have a little recap, shall we?

Olly Murs – We’ve cracked it. For weeks we’ve ben trying to work out who Olly Murs looks like, and we’ve finally cracked it. Imagine if Dermot O’Leary had a child with a woman who’s got the world’s most gigantic face. Olly Murs would look like that child. Anyway, on Saturday’s X Factor, Olly inexplicably decided to perform the theme-tune to Bewitched. A confusing choice, yes, but if it means that next week he gets to sing Blankety Blank or Button Moon, we’re OK with it. But was Olly’s X Factor performance any good? Well, he came off a bit like a shitfaced Will Young. Not a compliment.

Lloyd Daniels – X Factor’s Big Band night posed a very obvious problem for Lloyd. You see, his voice is so weedy and underdeveloped that he’d quite easily be drowned out if a mouse farted onto a glockenspiel, so he didn’t have a chance in front of all those trumpets. So Lloyd’s X Factor performance of Fly Me To The Moon was to more of a Conspicuously Small Band arrangement, and it was exactly as boring as you’d expect. It’s like there’s a rule stating that everything Lloyd ever does has to get boring halfway through. His songs, his sentences – even his backflip was tedious. The boy is aural balsa wood. But he does have nice hair, so that’s something.

Miss Frank – In an effort to make us remember why we liked them to begin with, Miss Frank took Saturday’s X Factor as an opportunity to sing That’s Life from bootcamp again. And it should have been brilliant, but it wasn’t. Here’s why: 1) Miss Frank’s rough edges had been worn away with every performance, and people only liked them for their rough edges, 2) one of the girls sang through the corner of her mouth and it made her look a bit weird, 3) we realised that Graziella is a terrible rapper – less Ghostface Killah and more 2006 UK Eurovision contestant Daz Sampson. And now they’re out. Never mind.

Rachel Adedeji – On Saturday’s X Factor, Rachel performed a slightly watered-down version of Proud Mary. However, Rachel’s post-song interview is what’ll be remembered. Rachel bounced up and down and shrieked and squealed and generally came off like a hysterical woman who’d just won the lottery on the day that her entire family had been wiped out in a plane crash. Why did she do it? Is it because she’d finally been given a song that allowed her to properly express herself? Or was it because someone had told her that the public thinks she’s miserable, and she’d overcompensated in the worst possible way? Whatever the reason, we feel safe in declaring this: Rachel Adedeji would make a terrible girlfriend. As for the song itself, it sounded more like something you’d find on American Idol. Not a compliment.

Jamie Archer – For X Factor’s Big Band night, Jamie Archer decided to sing that old Dean Martin classic Angel Of Harlem. Only joking, it was a U2 song. And U2 are clearly not big band. Bono’s not even a particularly big human being. On this basis we can’t wait for Abba night, because then Jamie will be able to sing Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden or something. Why did Jamie sing Angel Of Harlem? It’s because his original song choice made him sound like lamb being slaughtered by an accordion, apparently. But, hey, at least he looked like he was enjoying himself. Actually, while we’re on the subject, why does Jamie insist on ending each song by leaping around and whooping? You haven’t cured cancer, you hairy twat. You sang a mediocre U2 song. Christ, Jamie Archer is annoying.

Stacey Solomon – Last week we worried that Stacey Solomon was succumbing to Leona Lewis Syndrome, and this week we’re certain of it. Stacey’s X Factor performances are just like Leona’s X Factor performances, in that the first two thirds are always inaudible and then she yells the last bit as loudly as she possibly can. This is exactly what she did during When You Wish Upon A Star on Saturday, and it might get boring if she keeps doing it. Still, at least Stacey moved around beautifully. Well, maybe not beautifully. She moved around like Jessica Rabbit would if she was riddled with an infestation of intestinal parasites. But that’s close enough, right?

Danyl Johnson – What’s that Danyl Johnson? You’re going to perform Feeling Good on Saturday’s X Factor? Really? What performance style are you going to choose for it? Oh, you’re just going to shout it as obnoxiously as you can? Again? Oh, OK.

Joe McElderry – So we know that Joe McElderry can do grinning insincerity quite well, but for his performance of Sway on Saturday’s X Factor he needed to do sexy. And did he? Well, no. He attempted sexy at a couple of points, but mainly came off as a man itching to pour a sachet of Rohypnol into your drink. For the rest of the song Joe just fell back on his old puppydog shtick, and that’s not very sexy either. You wouldn’t shag a puppydog, would you? Would you? You would? You disgusting bastards.

Lucie Jones – We’ll be the first to admit that we were appalled by Lucie Jones’ performance of My Funny Valentine on Saturday’s X Factor. Restraint? On X Factor? Lucie you idiot, don’t you understand how X Factor works? You’re supposed to bellow a rubbishy power ballad as loudly as you possibly can in front of enough explosions to bankrupt most medium-sized nations, not effortlessly whisper an intimate and charming rendition of a 72-year-old jazz standard, you moron! Still, at least you looked like you didn’t understand any of the song’s words or sentiments, so that’s something. But we’re watching you, Lucie. You’re on thin ice.

John & Edward – First, we need to accept that nothing John & Edward will ever do can top last week’s Oops… I Did It Again. Entire civilisations have crumbled trying to replicate a similar level of sublime majesty, so let’s put that behind us and concentrate on John & Edward’s X Factor performance of She Bangs instead. It tried hard to live up to expectations – there were fireworks, there were seizure-inducing visuals, there were two 25-foot inflatables with John and Edward’s faces sellotaped to them, there was an entire verse where John & Edward sang on their hands and knees while some dancers rubbed their genitals up and down their spines – but it fell short. Why? Because there was no spoken-word interlude, that’s why. John & Edward should only perform songs with spoken-word interludes. John & Edward, if you’re reading, we want you to get back on track this Saturday by performing On Bended Knee by Boyz II Men. The full six-minute video version. The argument in the car at the start. The spoken word “Baby, please come back home girl” bit three and a half minutes in. The kiss at the end. You can do it, John & Edward! YOU CAN DO IT!

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Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn’t form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn’t – he was arse-awful.

But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche.

Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you’ve all been waiting for…

Lucie Jones – Everybody has their own definition of the word ‘diva’. Take Lucie Jones, for example. Based on Saturday’s X Factor performance of How Will I Know, she thinks a diva is someone who drops to the floor inside a perspex testicle and then clomps around like an obnoxiously self-confident four-year-old at a Butlins junior talent show. Still, we don’t think that anybody should actually vote for Lucie. You see, if she continues to fill her routines with as many violently sassy hair-flicks as she did on Saturday’s X Factor, it’ll only be a matter of time before her head pops off and she gets rushed to hospital. It’d be a wasted vote.

Olly Murs – The worst thing about Olly Murs, after his hair and his needlessly large mouth and his stupid face and everything he’s ever done in his entire life, is that he’s almost a good performer. On Saturday’s X Factor Olly sang Fool In Love, and 90% of it was decent. It was in tune, nicely choreographed and – crucially – quite short. But the last 10% just made us want to reach inside our TV and slap his massive clueless face. For instance, does Olly really need to shout “HAH!” and “NOW LISTEN!” between every line he sings? No. Does he really have to be so smug that he’s constantly seems on the verge of dissolving? No? Does he really have to look like a dangerously uninhibited Bradley from EastEnders? Well, yes, probably. And that’s why we’ll never be able to love him.

Miss Frank – You may have noticed that we wanted Miss Frank to win X Factor this year. Well that probably won’t happen any more, and it’s all Miss Frank’s fault. If they’d chosen to sing an old Tina Turner song like Olly did, then they’d have sailed through to the next round. But they didn’t. They sang All The Man That I Need. By Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston, for God’s sake. And they sang most of it solo. And there wasn’t even any rapping. It was just a great big empty nothing. By Whitney Houston. Ugh. It’s a shame – if we know who Miss Frank are more than Miss Frank do, then that can’t be a good sign. Disappointing.

Rachel Adedeji - When we saw Rachel Adedeji start her X Factor performance of If I Were A Boy by lying on her back, we were initially worried that her giant asymmetrical haircut had thrown her back out or something. But no, it was all just a false alarm – in fact, there’s a good chance that Rachel was only doing it to make the song more memorable. It was a nice try, because God knows the song itself was such a fat sack of nothing that we barely even noticed when it finished. If only those four haggard stripper girls were around to save Rachel’s arse every week, then she’d be just fine.

Joe McElderry – Here’s what we learnt about Joe McElderry on Saturday’s X Factor: 1) His childhood was an elongated nightmare that alternated between obesity and transvestitism. 2) If he over-emoted any more during his version of Where Do Broken Hearts Go then he would have actually had to do a shit in his trousers. 3) If Britain ever remade High School Musical, then Joe would definitely be a shoo-in for the role of fourth male lead. 4) We’re not really sure that a show like X Factor should be won by someone who clearly idolises H From Steps to such a worrying extent.

Danyl Johnson – So on Saturday’s X Factor, Danyl Johnson performed I Didn’t Know My Own Strength; a song from Whitney Houston’s new album that nobody has ever heard. How did Danyl manage to cope with such a risky strategy? The same way that he copes with everything – by atonally howling the lyrics at the top of his voice. It was awful, but all the X Factor judges were duty-bound to praise it, because a) the song’s executive producer Clive Davis was sitting right next to them and b) nobody wanted to accidentally call Danyl a raging homo again. For the record, though, it was terrible.

Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd didn’t so much perform Bleeding Love on Saturday’s X Factor as cluelessly mumble the lyrics to Bleeding Love while someone held down the Dido preset button on a 1980s Bontempi keyboard. And it was genuinely horrible, possibly the most embarrassing X Factor performance since the days of The Unconventionals. Nobody liked it. The audience didn’t like it. The X Factor judges didn’t like it. Not even Whitney Houston liked it, and she’s spent most of the last decade off her face on crack. Not that Lloyd was ever in danger of being eliminated, though, because Cheryl Cole cried at the end of it and Lloyd gave her a hug. And that’s the sort of shit that you idiots apparently fall for. We hate you sometimes, idiots.

John & Edward – OK John & Edward, we may have got you wrong. We thought you were just a couple of annoying Irish morons, but we were mistaken. In actual fact you are MINDBLOWINGLY AWESOME. On Saturday’s X Factor John & Edward performed Oops… I Did It Again. All of Oops… I Did It Again. Even the spoken-word interlude. While wearing red leather suits. On a technical level there might have been some timing and pitch issues, but on a spiritual level John & Edward were THE BEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN. Watching John & Edward was like watching a UNICORN HUMP A RAINBOW. John & Edward were JESUSLIKE. John & Edward MUST WIN X FACTOR. THEY MUST. WIN. X FACTOR.

Rikki Loney - Whoever decided to make Rikki Loney – weedy little pointless hat-wearing Rikki Loney – sing Respect on Saturday’s X Factor deserves a medal. Because it’s finally what got Rikki slung out of X Factor forever. It was a dreary, muted version of Respect that was as flat and uneventful as we imagine most of Rikki’s life has been up until this point, and not even paying four tubby backing singing to desperately dry-hump their microphone stands could detract from how monstrous it all was. The end.

Jamie Archer – Up to and during his performance of Thank You on Saturday’s X Factor, we were worried that Jamie Archer was going to let us down. True, he did refer to himself as ‘Mr Cool Guy’ in the pre-song VT. And he did say that the song would show the public who he really was – which, based on his performance, means that he’s really a bland, whiny turd. But he didn’t even shout “Come on!” at the audience once during the song. Were we wrong about Jamie Archer? Was he less of a staggering cock than we’d been giving him credit for? No. Because as soon as he finished singing, Jamie Archer high-fived Simon Cowell. Cockitude restored. As you were, people.

Stacey Solomon – Now, OK, based on talent Stacey Solomon should probably win X Factor. But we’re worried about her. We think we’re detecting the genesis of Leona Syndrome with her. You know Leona Syndrome. It’s where a singer is so consistently faultless week after week that the public starts to tire of them, putting their chances of winning in jeopardy. Stacey’s X Factor performance of At Last on Saturday was perfect, just as her X Factor performance of The Scientist the week before was perfect. This is the sort of thing that could get old fast. So thank God she’s such a gibbering chav, eh? That’ll save her.

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Some of you might have noticed that over the course of the Rocky films, the gravel-voiced trainer with the face like a seriously chewed piece of gum never got into the ring. He’d happily bark at Sly Stallone, calling him a loser, telling him what to do, but that was it. And the reason was simple – if he’d stepped up to Apollo Creed himself, the old man would have be dead before he hit the floor. It’s a story that now echoes the life of Cheryl Cole.

Everyone seems to have been going bananas over the last few days, as Cole has wriggled and wormed her way out of performing her new solo song live on Saturday night’s X Factor, even though she mentors a gaggle of live singers week in week out. And we all know why. She knows why. Literally everyone knows why. Yet, no one seems comfortable acknowledging that it’s the right move.

Put simply, if she went live, she’d be totally rubbish. She’s not a very good singer, she’s about third in line for lead vocals in Girls Aloud – and that’s only because no one appears to like the transparent ginger one taking up too much of the spotlight, and the other one (Kimberley?) sings like she’s doing an impression of a trumpet. Hence, it would be the live X Factor equivalent of watching Rolf Harris showing Van Gogh how to paint. Then how would her little singing monkeys ever respect her again?

At least this way, she gets to dangle a few “what ifs” in the air, which will surely all be forgotten the minute Dannii Minogue opens her mouth to out another could-be-homosexual. Or Louis stumbles mouth first into an accidental racism.

Apparently Cole told an “unnamed friend” of hers:

“I really don’t see the problem. I will be singing live. I just won’t have time to get changed and get prepared for the performance, and be a judge on the show. It would be too hectic.”

We would suggest taking a small plastic bag of clothes to the judging seat with her, which she could quickly slip into during the adverts, but we know how to read between the lines. If she was genuinely worried about everything being too hectic, she should possibly spare a thought for the contestants during sing-off time. Within seconds of being told that the public doesn’t much like them, they’re shoved back into the spotlight to be jeered all over again. If you look very closely, you can actually make out their souls dying.

In other X Factor news, Leona got chinned by a mentalist.

Want more from Josh? Tune in to Interestment on your internet.

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Leona Lewis was attacked at a booksigning event yesterday, and this has raised some important questions.

Like how did it happen? Was there enough of a security presence? Why on Earth would anyone stand in line for five hours just so that they can hit Leona Lewis on the side of the head? Haven’t they got anything better to do? Do people actually care enough about Leona Lewis to attack her? What the hell is Leona Lewis doing writing a book anyway? What’s it called, My Year And A Bit Of Being The World’s Dreariest Pop Star?

All important questions. None of them will be answered below.

The world is still reeling from yesterday’s news that Leona Lewis was struck in the side of the head during a booksigning event in London yesterday. We’ll just dive in with People’s report of the incident:

Lewis, 24, had been signing autographs at the bookstore for about 90 minutes when “a guy came up and punched her to the side of the head.” Though she didn’t need to go to the hospital, Lewis was “understandably badly shaken,” her spokesman says. According to an eyewitness at the store, “[the attacker] walked up there with the book, she signed it and, as she looked up, he just punched her.”

Shocking, isn’t it? Someone actually has enough of an opinion about Leona Lewis to summon the energy to punch her in the head. That’s just wrong.

No details have been released about the attacker yet, so we don’t know if he planned to hit Leona from the moment he joined the queue or if it was a spur of the moment decision based on a nagging suspicion that her book had been thrown together by a professional ghostwriter. All we do know is that the attacker is lucky that he that he didn’t try and approach Leona Lewis from behind, because he would have probably ended up being kicked in the teeth. In some lights, you see, Leona Lewis can look a little bit like a horse. That’s what we were trying to get at.

Nevertheless, the attack must have been terrifying for Leona, and it seems certain that she’ll beef up her security from now on as a precaution. It’s such a shame – everyone knew that Leona Lewis wanted to be Whitney Houston, but that didn’t mean we wanted her to identically copy the plot of the movie The Bodyguard. It’s just not a very good movie.

Similarly, it’ll be interesting to see how this attack will affect the celebrity autobiography trade. Let’s hope it doesn’t put anyone off – because if it stops Jamie Afro or Joe Pasquale or the third one in from the left out of Loose Women from telling their boring life story to a disinterested ghostwriter who’ll pad it out into a generic 500-page indentikit book that only idiots would buy, there’ll be hell to pay. You hear us? Hell to pay.

The attack on Leona Lewis just goes to show the dangers of winning a show like X Factor, doesn’t it? Your increased profile means that there could be any number of nutters out there just waiting to punch you in the face as hard as they can.

Sort of makes us wish that we’d voted for Ray Quinn, really.

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Good news – the X Factor live finals are back! Better news – Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.

But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?

Rachel Adedeji - Rachel’s obviously a bright girl, because she left university to appear on X Factor. It’s a smart move because, while graduating from university is likely to increase your earning potential, most people who go on X Factor end up bitterly playing to tiny groups of disinterested pensioners in Welsh caravan parks for the rest of their miserable lives. Anyway, on Saturday’s X Factor, Rachel did a sort of muffled version of Let Me Entertain You accompanied by about 50 nightmarish mime artists who looked as if they’d like nothing better than to abduct your children and eat them. Horrible.

Kandy Rain – As well as being the first act out, Kandy Rain were the first act to kickstart a controversy on X Factor when, after their admittedly awful performance of Addicted To Love, Cheryl Cole essentially told them that they dressed like sluts. This caused Simon Cowell to remind Cheryl that she only got famous because she dressed like a slut too, which isn’t strictly true. In actual fact, Cheryl Cole got famous by dressing like a slut and by screeching violent racial epithets at nightclub toilet attendants. Get your facts straight, Simon. Yeesh.

Olly Murs – So Olly Murs desperately wants to be Robbie Williams, and Robbie Williams was the guest mentor on Saturday’s X Factor. So what did Olly sing? That’s right – a Robbie Williams song. In the style of Robbie Williams. On the plus side, Robbie Williams did say that he wanted to be friends with Olly, but that’s only because Olly is exactly like Robbie Williams and Robbie Williams looks like the sort of person who masturbates to pictures of himself. Fact.

Rikki Loney – On Saturday’s X Factor, Rikki performed Back To Black by Amy Winehouse and wasn’t particularly good. However, that’s not what we want to talk about. We want to talk about all of Rikki Loney’s poxy hats. We’re starting to believe that Rikki uses hats as a kind of personality substitute. And if that’s the case, it works. Because we do think that Rikki has a personality – it’s the personality of a dickhead who wears too many stupid hats.

Stacey Solomon – On Saturday’s X Factor, Stacey Solomon performed The Scientist by Coldplay, and was promptly complimented by all the judges for her brave choice of song. It just goes to show how dull X Factor is when a ballad by the world’s dreariest bunch of namby-pamby pissbags gets held up as a leftfield experimental voyage into the terrifying unknown. Maybe next week Stacey Solomon will sing a Keane song and Louis Walsh will have an aneurysm. Who knows?

Miss Frank - We’ve never really hidden our desire to see Miss Frank win X Factor. And we’re still standing by that following Saturday’s show – their rendition of Who’s Loving You was timeless and soulful and actually pretty amazing. We hesitate to call perfect, because the one in the middle didn’t arbitrarily break off and start rapping in a foreign language halfway through, but it was close enough for now.

Jamie Archer – Jamie Archer is a big-haired titsack who we dislike for any number of reasons, like the way that his version of Get It On was a pile of dreadful, overblown guff and the way that we can’t help feeling as if he’s probably Jamie Oliver’s favourite contestant. However, Jamie shouldn’t leave X Factor just yet, because he’s the star of our new favourite X Factor game – the How Many Times Will Jamie Archer Interrupt His Own Song To Bellow ‘Come On’ At The Studio Audience game. On Saturday’s X Factor it was twice. Can he beat this next week? We hope so. We believe in you, Jamie. WE BELIEVE IN YOU.

Lloyd Daniels – A theory: if hair straighteners were banned tomorrow, Lloyd would never stand a chance of winning X Factor. Because that’s all he is – a silly haircut plopped on top of the world’s dullest boy. On Saturday, his X Factor performance of Cry Me A River was lifeless and lacklustre and anaemic and only livened up by the mental dancer next to him who kept flinging herself around like she was on fire. The judges don’t like him. The musical directors don’t like him. Robbie Williams didn’t seem to like him. But despite all this we get the feeling that Lloyd’s going to go far. It’s a very silly haircut, after all.

Lucie Jones – Lucie is pretty, has a pretty voice and can sing ballads quite well. On Saturday’s X Factor pretty Lucie used her pretty voice to sing a ballad. We’re probably going be cutting and pasting that last sentence into every X Factor recap we write about Lucie from now on, because we get the feeling that she’ll be doing that a lot.

John & Edward - This year’s designated hate targets, John & Edward used Saturday’s X Factor to perform Rock DJ. And you know what? It wasn’t terrible. Now, was that because our expectations of them are so low that we’d be pleasantly surprised if they managed to go for two minutes without kicking a puppy in the ribcage or curling out a turd on the stage? Well, yes. Duh.

Joe McElderry – Joe McElderry is such a gaping charisma vacuum that he may as well not even exist. Case in point: on Saturday’s X Factor, Joe performed No Regrets as if he was auditioning for Robbie Williams: The Musical. It was dire, but on the plus side at least now we know what it’s like to see a desperately bitter song performed by a grinning toddler. So that’s something.

Danyl Johnson - Outed by Dannii Minogue following his performance of And I Am Telling You, to his obvious distress. It’s important to remember that Danyl is a teacher, and this sort of muck-spreading is bound to have a number of upsetting ramifications for him. Although, you know, if Danyl has got this far through his career in education without being the target of merciless bullying from his pupils, then his pupils obviously aren’t trying hard enough. Kids these days, eh? They don’t know they’re born.

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What’s that smell?

Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man’s syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You’re bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says ‘I love you’ like rating your partner’s performance in the sack.

No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You’ll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.

The personality cult has hit an all-time low. Forget about the talent, it’s all about the talent-show judge: Someone who can’t sing… but knows what good singing sounds like. “What about Cheryl Cole?” you ask. Yeah OK, she’s behind a desk and she’s not paid to think. She’s paid to endorse products, like Geordie handbags, crap shampoo or TV show perfumes. Cheryl and the other panel members each reportedly earnt £250,000 for selling their smells. We thought we’d give you an idea of what’s in store:

Eau de Simon Cowell: Crisp banknotes blended with petals of egomania and the backside of Sharon Osbourne, this fragrance suits a particularly useless breed of human being, but one with character. Loaded with special pheromones that attract gold-diggers and industry psychopaths.

Essence of Walsh: Irish bog-water and Kensington High Street combine for a special one-off whiff of Louis, designed for two-faced nice guy types who ‘just wanna help you out’. Wearing the Essence of Walsh will get you out of anything. Anything.

Cole 187: A lovely mix of Byker Grove, girl-band knickers and cyanide that changes your voice and somehow makes you less attractive, especially if you’re married. Want to put a stop to those pesky one-liners? Go for Cole 187, it’s absolutely lethal.

Dannii Miasma: Smell like your sister with this refreshing and flirty outback musk. Made from ethically sourced children and crocodile oil, Dannii Miasma can summon your siblings at will. Especially useful when you need a second opinion or some backup in a scrap.

After meeting with experts to discuss their odours this week, the four will release fragrances under the X Factor brand name in time for Christmas, parting thousands of idiots with their money. Simon Cowell is rumoured to be smug about his man-smell, as one source revealed:

“Simon says his will be the top-seller – he’s already winding the other three up.”

Jade Goody musicals, X Factor fragrances… What’s next? We think that saving money has never been more attractive.

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Well, there it is – the 12 X Factor 2009 finalists have been revealed. This is what you’re stuck with until Christmas, folks.

Over the course of three bone-crushingly tedious hours on Saturday and Sunday night, half of the remaining 24 X Factor hopefuls were dispatched. We lost some real contenders along the way – like Daniel Pearce and Nicole Lawrence – but we also lost that crying opera boy too, so it’s not all bad.

So allow us to introduce you to the 12 finalists of X Factor 2009. One of them is going to win, you know. We’re all done for…

BOYS

Joe McElderry – Shuddering nonentity from the north-east. Not so much a potential pop star as a potential boyband member, and even then he’d probably be the one they make stand around at the back all the time. Still better than Leon Jackson, though. Remember Leon Jackson? God, he was rubbish.

Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd hasn’t made the X Factor final 12 because he can sing, but because he closely resembles a foetus shaped like Adam Ricketts. He might be a juddering watery charisma vacuum, but he’s young and he’s got a silly haircut so the girls will love him. For about three months, then they’ll get bored and look elsewhere and Lloyd will eventually die  bitter and alone in total poverty. Fact.

Rikki Loney – Untrustworthy. Why? Because he’s always wearing hats. Never trust anyone who wears a lot of hats, that’s a fundamental rule. It’s why we also don’t trust Jason Mraz, cowboys or the Archbishop of Canterbury. And Rikki Loney cries a lot, too. We bet he was called Ricky Lonely at school. It’s what we would have done. And his eyes are too close together.

GROUPS

Kandy Rain – If you read the tabloids, you’ll know Kandy Rain as the girl group who all used to be strippers. Then yesterday it turned out that one of them is also a porn star. Who knows, by the time you read this it might have been revealed that one of them is a high-class prostitute from another planet with a talking robotic vagina. Can Kandy Rain sing? Does it matter? They used to be strippers, for crying out loud.

Miss Frank - Without a doubt, at this moment in time, Miss Frank are the act who we most want to win X Factor. They’re not airbrushed or conventionally attractive, they’ve got a rare credibility about them, they can power out old songs like nobody else and – during Saturday’s rendition of Respect – one of them did a little Spanish rap in the middle. Miss Frank are awesome. There, we said it.

John & Edward – We’ve finally figured out what John and Edward look like. Imagine if the head of marketing for Twilight suffered some sort of aneurysm and decided to make little troll dolls of Robert Pattinson. That’s John & Edward. They’re still awful, by the way, but thanks to Louis Walsh their dream of leaving X Factor early and releasing one quickly-forgotten novelty album will still be realised.

OVER 25s

Olly Murs – Cheeky cockney and all-round cocky todger Olly has made it through to the X Factor finals almost entirely because he’s a little bit like Robbie Williams. True, he displayed a rare moment of nerves on Saturday’s show, but we sort of think that it was a deliberate attempt to come off less like the overbearing tit that he actually is.

Danyl Johnson – Simon Cowell told Danyl that his first audition was the best one he’d ever heard, something Danyl then mucked up by singing a bad Simply Red song in about 400 different – and equally horrible – ways. Can Danyl pull it together in the X Factor finals? If you even slightly care about the answer to this question, we have some severe doubts about you.

Jamie Archer – One: Jamie Archer has an afro. Two: Jamie Archer calls himself Jamie Afro. Three: Jamie Afro doesn’t so much sing as repeatedly shout “Come on!” at his audience like some sort of horrific Butlins red coat. Four: Jamie Afro often dangles a scarf out of his pocket, making him a health and safety risk around paper shredders and open flames. Five: Jamie Afro is an utter cockwobble.

GIRLS

Stacey Solomon – Don’t judge us too harshly for this, but we think we quite like Stacey Solomon. It’s not so much her soaring, perfectly-enunciated singing voice, which also happens to be quite nice, but the way she flits between that and her weird chavvy speaking voice that entertains us. And she actually seems like quite a pleasant person. Oh God, what’s wrong with us?

Rachel Adedegi – You know what most annoys us about Rachel Adedegi? Her inability to use stairs properly. Honestly – she passed her first auditions and jumped down all the stairs at once. She was congratulated by her family and jumped down all the stairs at once. We want someone to sit Rachel down and explain to her that stairs have individual steps for a reason. Then maybe we’ll vote for her. Maybe.

Lucie Jones – Did Lucie Jones tell you that she’s just a girl from a small village in Wales? Did she? Because she is, you know. She’s just a girl from a small village in Wales. A girl. From a small village. In Wales. Did she mention that? Lucie, it’s a good job you can sing because, christ on a stick, you’re dull.

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