Black culture has always been the musical innovator, just waiting for everyone else to start ripping it off. The black community can sit smug, safe in the knowledge that they invented rock ‘n’ roll, the blues, jazz, hip hop, soul, reggae, dance music… and not country and western.

And so, with that, the MOBO Awards have always been a showcase for the things everyone else is going to ride the coattails of next year.

Not if you include the 2011 nominees though. Why? Because it’s a terrible list of nominations utterly dominated by Jessie J and other dross.

The impressively dislikeable Jessie J has managed to pick up five nods at the MOBO Awards, which of course, is going to further feed her notion that she’s ‘the real deal’ or, worse still, ‘the British Lady GaGa’. The crushing truth is that she’s 2011′s answer to Natasha Bedingfield.

And no-one wanted her either, despite bafflingly gigantic success around the world.

Adele, Tinie Tempah and Wretch 32 have all got themselves four nominations each. Adele must be wondering how she got noticed at all, what with her making the whitest, Radio 2 friendly music since Katie Melua last had a record out.

Sadly, 2011′s answer to Status Quo – Chase & Status – have also been nominated.

Kanya King, CEO and Founder of MOBO, had a sly dig at the Brit Awards and their Brit School, saying:

“We are very pleased with the level of this year’s nominees, including many emerging artists, some who have come from backgrounds where they haven’t been given a foot in the door, so-to-speak.

“These artists have shown real determination to make it happen.”

Expect lots of tribute to Amy Winehouse also. Now, here’s the full list of nominations for The MOBO Awards 2011:

Best UK Act

Adele
Chase & Status
Chipmunk
Example
Jessie J
Katy B
N-Dubz
Wretch 32
The Streets
Tinie Tempah

Best Newcomer

Alex Clare
Ed Sheeran
Emeli Sande
Jamie Woon
Jessie J
Loick Essien
Maverick Sabre
Rizzle Kicks
Yasmin
Wretch 32

Best UK Hip Hop/Grime Act

Giggs
Rizzle Kicks
Tinie Tempah
Wiley
Wretch 32

Best Video

Chipmunk featuring Chris Brown – ‘Champion’
Jessie J – ‘Do It Like A Dude’
Rizzle Kicks – ‘Down With The Trumpets’
Tinchy Stryder featuring Dappy – ‘Spaceship’
Wiley – ‘Numbers In Action’

Best International Act

Alexis Jordan
Aloe Blacc
Beyoncé
Bruno Mars
Cee Lo Green
Jason Derulo
Nicki Minaj
Rihanna
Snoop Dogg
Wiz Khalifa

Best Song

Adele – ‘Someone Like You’
Chase & Status featuring Tinie Tempah – ‘Hitz’
Jessie J – ‘Do It Like A Dude’
Tinie Tempah – ‘Wonderman’
Wretch 32 – ‘Traktor’

Best Album

Adele – 21
Chase & Status – No More Idols
Jessie J – Who You Are
Katy B – On A Mission
Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy

Best UK R&B/Soul Act

Adele
Dionne Bromfield
Marsha Ambrosious
Mike Hough
Omar

Best Reggae

Alborosie
Damien Marley & Nas
Jah Cure
Khago
Mavado

Best Jazz Act

Denys Baptiste
Gwilym Simcock
Kairos 4tet
Matthew Halsall
Usonic

Best African Act

Cheikh Lo
D’Banj
Fatouma Diawara
Liquideep
Owiny Sigoma Band
Seun Kuti
SMOD
Spoek Mathambo
Vieux Farka Toura
Wizkid

Best Gospel Act

Bobby Bovell
Four Kornerz
Jayess
Junor Garr
Triple O

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The stupid Oscars have been and gone, with only a very select few giving the remotest of shits. Those that include themselves in that number are the people who will be making posters of all of Colin Firth’s new films and the simpering, worthy smug git who condescends the Davina McCall lookalike on the BBC’s Film show.

Oh, and we imagine there’ll be a whole host of stupid fashion writers all squeeing over various items of clothing, mixed with tubby women widening their eyes at people who have made a fashion faux-pas.

And so, because we’re legally obliged to announce the winners of the Oscars 2011, we’ve copy and pasted the list from somewhere else and replaced all the names of the winners with videos so you can try and work out who won yourself.

Of course, we could have simply stated who each winner was, but that is, in essence, churnalism. The desperate need to not be left behind in some imagined media stampede about an award show that no-one is really that fussed about anyway.

Who ever felt like a film was any better or worse because it won some stupid trophy?

If you’re the kind of person who only watches a film because it has been recognised by some shithouse in an expensive suit, then perhaps, you might like to go and throw yourself headfirst into oncoming traffic. Okay? Good.

Here are the winners.

Best Picture

Best Director

Best Actor

Best Actress

Best Supporting Actor

Best Supporting Actress

Best Foreign Language Film

Best Animation

Best Adapted Screenplay

Best Art Direction

Best Make-up

And there was a whole bunch of other winners but they were totally boring. Inception won some stuff but we couldn’t think of a funny video we could show for it because it is oh so stinkin’ worthy.

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Americans either have a sense of humour or, maybe, they just like the press they get from controversy (that could well explain Sarah Palin’s baffling rise in power). We say this because apparently, Ricky Gervais has been asked to host the Golden Globes again.

Of course, you’ll remember that he upset some humourless dullards with a series of jokes that made everyone else laugh.

Dry heaving while pretending to wank-off Hugh Hefner? That’s exactly the sort of thing that will see hecklerspray jumping to our collective feet for a standing ovation. Not to mention ripping celebrity Scientologists a new one.

While smart slebs laughed along (a particular doffing of the cap must go to Robert DeNiro who looked like he was going to shit his pants he was chortling so hard), the Hollywood press decided that they didn’t like some Limey turning up and tearing strips off their hallowed Hollywood.

They took great glee in assuming that he wouldn’t be asked back to the Golden Globes, probably giving Billy Crystal the sly thumbs-up for the gig.

What they didn’t reckon on was the Golden Globes fondness for the money that comes with increased interest over imagined worldwide outrage. The largely insignificant award ceremony became the talk of the town and, should Gervais get next year’s gig, it’ll probably be transmitted live all over the world while they encourage him to go in with studs showing.

This, in fact, could be a turning point for the Golden Globes as they turn it into a comedy roast instead of some backslapping event that no-one outside of LA give two hoots about.

Gervais said:

“I don’t know what I could do better. I certainly couldn’t get more press for them, that’s for sure. The response was staggering.”

“It was discussed on every news channel and chatshow for weeks.”

And now it’s rumoured that he’s going to be asked to host it again. However, we know that Gervais doesn’t like to tread water.

In fact, he’ll probably turn it down and they’ll get Sarah Silverman to do it and… well… she’s about as funny as a blazing school full of children (which isn’t funny at all, should you need the staggeringly obvious pointing out to you).

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Like we noted yesterday, America can occasionally forget what a sense of humour is, despite the fact they’ve produced some of the most acerbic comics in history and invented the notorious advent of the comedy roast.

Yet, when on the receiving end of abuse from a British comedian, they can get a bit huffy and wounded. The great big touchy soft shits.

This has left Ricky Gervais having to defend his studs-showing stint which he delivered while hosting the Golden Globes, even though he shouldn’t have to. Gervais came armed with jokes, not guns, eh America?

Of course, us Limeys pride ourselves on our innate sense of satire and constantly chide America for not understanding sarcasm properly… unless of course, Sarah Palin is a gigantic slab of satirical comedy and no-one has cracked up through their poker face yet. If that’s the case, well done America; you had us for a moment then.

Anyway, jokes aren’t as funny when you have to either explain them or justify them. However, such is the hissy-fit being thrown in some quarters, Gervais has taken to his blog to stick two fingers up and, essentially, to tell everyone to piss-off and grow-up.

He wrote:

“I enjoyed the Globes more this year. I think I had better gags. More along the lines of the Mel Gibson one last year”

And what about the rumours about him getting taken backstage to be shot/told off?

“Obviously the rumour that the organisers stopped me going out on stage for an hour is rubbish.”

“I did every link I was scheduled to do. The reason why the gaps were uneven is because when I got the rundown I was allowed to choose who I presented to.

“I obviously chose the spots that I had the best gags for. They couldn’t move around the order but I could move around however I wanted.”

So, not only is the very notion of joking being dissected, but now, we’re being shown the admin of an awards ceremony. Thanks America. Your lack of humour has dragged us all into a scheduling hell. In triplicate.

Gervais added:

“All the same conspiracy theories as last year too … ‘so and so was offended’ … ‘hasn’t been invited back yet’ … exactly the same as last time. ‘Paul McCartney was furious’ … no he wasn’t. And nor was Tim Allen and Tom Hanks. I was drinking with them after.”

So there you have it. The only people offended are those with no funny bone. And Scientologists. And people who thought Gervais wasn’t that funny and expected better.

Happy now? Good. Now shut your traps.

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The 68th annual Golden Globes happened last night and, once again, hecklerspray‘s invite was lost in the post despite having previous when it comes to getting hold of really pure cocaine for very competitive and good prices.

Maybe we have to pretend to be Scientologists or something? Either way, we weren’t there, which means we have to rely on hearsay and reports. Please note – the former doesn’t mean we got a text from Suzanne Shaw, now starring in Emmerdale.

Anyway, apart from the winners, which no-one really cares about, the big story of the show focused on the host, Ricky Gervais who reminded us all that, sometimes, Americans don’t understand humour. Or they don’t find English people funny. One of the two.

The ceremony was buzzing with questions as Gervais went missing for nearly an hour.Rumours abounded that, after going in for the jugular almost from the off, Ricky had been fired backstage by the bosses of the show. Some idiots even speculated that he’d been taken to a parking lot and shot through the face with a great big gun (not that America has a fixation and problem with guns. God no. Not them. Or Sarah Palin. Guns don’t kill people – the bullets that guns fire into human flesh, do).

Anyway, Gervais kicked things off by ravaging Charlie Sheen, Scientology, Mel Gibson, Lost and Hugh Hefner. He also introduced Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad”. The wag. He also joked that he had to help president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, Philip Berk, to go to the toilet and “put his teeth back in”. We bet he was thrilled, especially as Gervais made jokes about them accepting bribes.

What did anyone expect? A nice, safe routine? Either way, what everyone got wasn’t too far from the level of comedic abuse you see at a Comedy Roast.

After pulling everyone’s noses, Gervais then vanished, leaving people to speculate about him being sacked or killed. Either would have been a good story to write this morning (in the case of the latter, a really brilliant story, once you’d got past the ‘tragedy’ element of it).

When Gervais returned to the fore, it was clear he wasn’t dead, however, observers muttered that he looked rather subdued, with the always pleasant and reasonable Piers Morgan (America – we’re sorry for him, okay?) noting that Gervais looked “haunted”.

So what did they do to him backstage? Suffice to say, whatever happened didn’t make Ricky Gervais laugh because, well, lets face it, if he did laugh, he would have woken the whole world up with it because, as you know, he’s got the loudest, most irritating chortle in the universe.

Either way, despite being rather funny (what? Praise from hecklerspray?), it certainly appears that Gervais won’t get a third stab at hosting the show. Next year, brace yourself for a routine from someone from the ever-appalling Big Bang Theory or something.

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hecklerspray is not anti-pop by any stretch of the imagination, but it is completely fair to say that we just don’t understand the appeal of JLS. Maybe it’s because they’ve invented a new type of soul music that can only be described as Aww ‘n’ B, leaving people wanting to mother their wholesome little faces.

The cutesy foursome of Aston Merrygold, Oritse Williams, Marvin Humes and Jonathan Gill are doing alright for themselves and last night, managed to win Best Album and the Best UK Act at the MOBO awards.

Yes, it’s MOBO time again, where people take an interest while others tut and mutter “How would they like it if we had a music for white people, eh?” ‘They’, of course, being an imagined enemy. And of course, there is a music for white artists. It’s called The Q Awards.

Elsewhere at the event, Tinie Tempah was nominated for four awards and won Best Newcomer and Best Video for his single ‘Frisky’. He’s also noted as being the first rapper to base his name on something really pathetic. Most rappers create alter-egos or have grandiose names like Notorious B.I.G. or Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Tinie Tempah equates to someone having a hissy-fit and throwing their toys out of the pram.

Anyway, Liverpool’s Echo Arena played host for the ceremony which was presented by Alesha ‘Doesn’t Quite Know What To Do With Herself So She’ll Have A Bash At Anything’ Dixon and Radio 1’s Reggie ‘Reggie Yates’ Yates.

Other winners included N-Dubz who picked up Best Song for ‘Playing With Fire’, which saw Dappy accepting with:

“If you’ve got something to party over, then party. But if you’re not winning nothing, go home, feel bad, wake up tomorrow and work harder.”

And bully a girl via text messages also helps.

Pop-soul legend Billy Ocean won a Lifetime Achievement Award and probably looked around at the room with puzzlement as Mark Ronson littered the stage with his version of music that reeks of someone watching themselves wank into a mirror.

Here’s a full list of winners:

Best Newcomer – Tinie Tempah

Best UK R&B / Soul Act – Plan B

Best UK Hip Hop/Grime Act – Professor Green

Best International Act – Eminem

Best Reggae Act – Gyptian

Best Album – JLS ‘JLS’

Best Video – Tinie Tempah ft Labrinth – Frisky

Best UK Act – JLS

Best Song – N-Dubz ft Mr Hudson ‘Playing With Fire’

Best African Act – K’Naan

Best Jazz Act – Empirical

Best Gospel Act – Guvna B

Lifetime Achievement Award – Billy Ocean

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Since the Black Eyed Peas haven't released any albums this year, we can't have been alone in thinking that it'd cause the American Music Awards to burst into flames and disappear into a vortex.

After all, we thought the Black Eyed Peas were contractually obliged to always win all of the American Music Awards, lest America wants to feel their wrath. But clearly that isn't the case – the 2007 American Music Awards took place yesterday with American Idol contestants Chris Daughtry and Carrie Underwood dominating the prizes. Why? Because it was the first time that the American public had been allowed to choose the winners, that's why – so we suppose we should just count our blessings that the Chocolate Rain bloke and the sodding Hamburglar didn't win everything instead.

In Britain we have The Brits – a chance to celebrate the best in British music while laughing at how funny Joss Stone's voice sounds these days – but in America they have the Grammys. And the People's Choice Awards. And the American Music Awards. And the MTV VMAs. And the Billboard Music Awards. And the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction ceremony. But for the purposes of the next couple of minutes, let's all pretend really hard that the American Music Awards are the important ones.

That's because – barring the award ceremony we just had in our head just now where we were the only nominees and we still didn't manage to win anything – the American Music Awards took place most recently. And this wasn't any old American Music Awards show, because this year marked the very first time that the American public got to pick the winners. And, on the basis that the public are generally stupid and wrong about everything, that meant that this year's American Music Awards would be the stupidest and wrongest ever – an idea reinforced by having Jimmy Kimmel as the host.

And the result of this changing in voting procedure meant that the American Music Awards winners this year couldn't have been further removed from the winners of last year. At the 2006 American Music Awards, for example, the big winners were the Black Eyed Peas and Kelly Clarkson from American Idol. This year, however, the bulk of the American Music Awards went to Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and Carrie Underwood and Chris Daughtry from American Idol. Completely different.

Carrie Underwood, the woman who – let's not forget – is primarily famous for being a sexy vegetarian, walked off with the Best Country Female Artist, Best Country Album and T-Mobile Text-In Awards, while Chris Daughtry's band Daughtry won Best Rock Album, Best Breakthrough Artist and Best Adult Contemporary, even though by and large they sound useless.

Other winners at last night's American Music Awards went to Justin Timberlake, Akon, Rihannah, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez and, if you ever needed proof of the American Music Awards' complete lack of credibility, Nickelback. And if any of this news has affected your day in the slightest, you probably only have yourself to blame.