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Elbow Win The Mercury Prize And Arse Up Our Prediction

by Matthew Laidlow

Well, just be glad you don’t come running to us for advice and guidance on the more trivial matters in life.

If you asked us the best way to meet a girl and maintain it in to a relationship, we may just say something inappropriate like “get her drunk first”. So it may be a good thing our decisions aren’t always right. Last night saw Elbow win the Mercury Music Prize for their fourth album The Seldom Seen Kid.

While we put £10 on Burial to win, he failed to turn up to the event to perform. This probably didn’t do him any favours but who knows and who cares. But fair play to him really, he wants to remain anonymous and not deal with being stalked by NME journalists. At least the award didn’t go to the Last Shadow Puppets who already have a winning connection to the Arctic Monkeys. Looking slightly pissed on stage, Elbow frontman Guy Garvey said “it was the best thing to have ever happened to us”. Aww, they are a cracking band who do deserve some fame. We even harped on about them needing a break in a recent gig review.

Now, that’s 2008 out of the way. Who will be up for the 2009 award? With upcoming releases from Kaiser Chiefs, Razorlight, Keane and Snow Patrol, it could be a bland indie-filled ceremony next year. Though we’ll see if our recordings of smashed cups, sawed logs and imitations of badgers will pick up a nomination. Against frontmen who make twigs look fat and poor moonfaced posh boys, we should do OK. Well, in our minds anyway.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Mikey Wins Big Brother Tonight?

by Stuart Heritage

After three long, long months, it’s the last Big Brother of the series tonight, and we can’t help being a little bit sad about it.

Not because Big Brother’s finished, mind you. We’re sad because it means there’ll be a load more ex-Big Brother housemates flouncing around in public thinking that they’re megastars now. That just sort of makes us throw ourselves out of a window, really.

But enough of that. Big Brother final, woo! Who’s going to win, huh? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for the two favourites – Rachel and Mikey – with help from Paddy Power…

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VIDEO: Amy Winehouse In Grammy-Winning, Full Sentence-Speaking Shock

by Stuart Heritage

At last night’s Grammys the unthinkable happened – yeah, sure, Amy Winehouse won five awards, but that’s not what we’re talking about.

Amy Winehouse actually managed to sing in tune.

But, yes, Amy Winehouse won five Grammys last night – for Best Record, Best Song, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Vocal Performance and Best New Artist. And Amy’s elation was clear for all the Grammy viewers to see. That’s because, at current market value, she’ll be able to trade the Grammys in for a big bag of crack on the streets.

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Jay Leno Wins Joke-Based Lawsuit, Remains Woefully Unfunny

by Stuart Heritage

You should never rip off one of Jay Leno’s jokes – mainly because it’s bound to be so unfunny that you’ll lose your job, be dumped by your girlfriend and end up dying alone on the streets.

But also there’s a chance that Jay Leno will sue you and win. And that’s what’s just happened. Jay Leno has just won a lawsuit against Judy Brown, who published compendiums containing jokes stolen from his routines.

And as a result Judy Brown will have to publish something less funny instead, like… nope, there isn’t any less funny than one of Jay Leno’s jokes.

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