So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. “No I won’t read your book recommendations,” America told Oprah in unison, “because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won’t even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!” Oprah was doomed.

But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she’s fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can’t buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.

Oprah Winfrey has three main loves in her life: her power, the ability to change the world for the better with her power and morbidly shovelling fat handfuls of ice-cream into her mouth when she thinks everyone is asleep.

Actually, that last one’s a lie. Oprah Winfrey almost certainly doesn’t do that. She just looks like she might do, that’s all. Because Oprah Winfrey’s weight famously comes and goes like the tides. Specifically a version of the tides that crows relentlessly about how brilliant it is when it goes out, but then still slowly comes in again anyway until it has a bout of shame and goes on a terrifying liquid-only diet to make it go out.

Which is a kind of long-winded way of telling you that, by her own admission, Oprah Winfrey has got fat again. AP reports:

In January’s “O” magazine, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160.  “I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?”‘ the talk-show queen says in the article. “I’m embarrassed,” she says. “I’m mad at myself.”

So now Oprah’s weight stands at around 200lb – about the same as 18 cats, half a female lion or 120 hardback copies of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. It’s not the fattest that Oprah Winfrey has ever been, but it does mean we’ll have to put up with the sight of her running around with a wheelbarrow full of lard in a few months after she’s crash-dieted and lost it all again.

But so what? It’s been a tough year for Oprah Winfrey, and she needed all that extra weight. Not only did her added heft make her more of an imposing figure when she was trying to stop all the child abuse in her school, but it was also because she did a big interview with Tom Cruise this year, and Oprah needed to know that if he started jumping on furniture again she’d have the upper body strength to knock him unconscious.

However, Oprah Winfrey didn’t get to where she is today by merely accepting her lot, so we absolutely don’t doubt her ability to knuckle down and shed all her excess weight through nothing more than intense willpower and perhaps a dangerously faddy new diet that no sensible doctor would ever approve in sound mind.

Before long, we’re positive that Oprah Winfrey will be slimmer than ever – and she’ll remain that way for approximately three minutes before her resolve buckles and she charges into the nearest Krispy Kreme mouth-first and we have to go through this whole bloody palaver all over again. We can’t wait.

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Fortunately, the girl saw sense and has shed that disgusting weight that was – both figuratively and literally – holding her down. Yes, friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has gone and lost 18 pounds, after those photos appeared of her last year when she looked normal.

Obviously when we say ‘normal’ it’s meant by our standards – if we were judging by the usual Hollywood standards then you could take it to mean ‘foul, disgusting and haggish, really fat and unworthy of ever working on anything – film, TV or even radio – ever again’.

Because apparently that’s what we consider ‘normal’ is to these people.

It was around November of last year when these evil, disgusting photos emerged – around the time Jennifer had confirmed her engagement to a man who did some voice overs in Call of Duty 2. She was pictured frolicking around in a bikini, in some water, without a size 0 waist.

This was, apparently, tantamount to a war crime. The holocaust had nothing on her hips. The world of showbiz news went (quite literally) insane, but Jennie Loving Hew stuck to her guns, telling people:

“I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.”

The newly-appointed crusader for moral weight-related justice went on:

“A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family, and like all women out there should, I love my body.”

After thankfully making it clear that she knew how much she had disgusted us all with her blubberous behind by acknowledging she ‘knew what she looked like’, she finished by saying:

“To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.”

Which obviously made us all vomit everywhere straight away, as the sheer thought of someone that didn’t look like a carbon copy of a stick insect brings the bile rushing up faster than we could ever hope to keep it down.

But Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn’t seem to be a woman that stands by her words, and instead it looks as if she feels that the world of the celebrity press can dictate to her how she should live her life. Appearing in some new photoshoots in some crap that’s printed, she opened up on losing 18 pounds, bringing herself back down to the stupidly skinny way she’s supposed to be. According to magazines and a moronic public.

Speaking to the press, her personal trainer responsible for making her acceptable to the human eye once more said these words:

“With her, it’s not, ‘I want to look good in that dress’. She wanted to start moving around because she thought it would make her feel better. [Jennifer] told me, ‘They said some rude, mean things, but that’s not why I wanted to change’.”

Actually, we don’t believe that. Hecklerspray believes the reason Jennifer Love Hewitt lost the weight is because of that exact reason – because some “rude”, “mean” things were said. She felt the pressure that comes with being judged by a press and public that have only ever seen you as the size 0 commodity that you are to them, and as soon as you do something with your own body that you want to do, they jump on you.

But hey, who are we to complain? As long as she still has cracking norks.

Why? Well, for starters, shoving it in his big, fat chops might shut him up.

Secondly, it could be the only way we can stop him from doing nude scenes.

That’s right – nude scenes!!

‘Nude scenes’ and ‘Jack Black’ – if ever there was four words that should not appear together in the same sentence it’s that right there.

And you’ll be disgusted to know that the Kung Fu Panda star has done them before (In Margot at the Wedding – just in case you are some twisted freak and want to check him out.)

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Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

Fat celebrities are so tiresome, aren’t they? Call them fat and they’ll bang on forever about how they’re happy in their own skin and don’t want to be judged by society’s faddish youth-obsessed standards – but then when they do manage to lose a bit of weight they’re all over the sodding place, bragging about how much better they feel and filming ‘look at me’ fitness DVDs and strutting around on TV in bikinis even though they’ve got so much loose skin hanging off them that even the slightest breeze would shoot them up into the nearest ceiling fan and cover everyone in a 50ft radius with guts and partially-digested Krisprolls.

One of these celebrities, as it turns out, is Fern Britton from This Morning. Not so long ago she was a plump size 22 who’d ironically advertise Ryvita and tell everyone that she was perfectly at ease with her weight. Next thing you you she’s a relatively slender size 16 who credits healthy eating and cycling for her weight loss and chucks out Pilates DVDs so that fat women everywhere could be more like her.

However, if Fern Britton really did want fat women to be more like her, she should have released a DVD entitled Getting A Gastric Band Wrapped Round Your Guts On The Sly And Then Bullshitting About It The Fern Britton Way, because that’s what she actually did. And now people are so appalled by the way that Fern mislead them that they’re muttering about her resignation.

OK, not people as such. Newspapers, mainly. But that’s just as good. However, it looks like Fern Britton’s job is safe for the time being, as The Mirror reports:

Fern Britton faces her viewers on TV today after admitting her drastic weight loss is due to a gastric band – not healthy eating and exercise as she claimed. The host of ITV’s This Morning, who shed five stone, was forced to admit yesterday she had the operation two years ago and was “very pleased with the results”… A spokeswoman told the Mirror: “This doesn’t affect her job at all.” Asked if Fern will make a statement on today’s show she said: “It will be something the production team will be considering but I don’t know.”

The spokeswoman is right – it’s absolutely ludicrous to assume that Fern Britton would resign from This Morning just because she didn’t tell anyone that she snuck off and had a plasticuff wrapped tightly around her gut to stop her from eating so much.

Of course, if it affects her work then it’s a different matter. If, for instance, Fern Britton has to stop her infectious onscreen bouts of laughter because she’s worried that her gastric band will ping off, causing the four months’ worth of cream cakes and pizza that’s backed up in her oesophagus at any one time to shoot directly down into her stomach, instantly bloating her out until her clothes rip and she’s just a big, naked, perfectly spherical glob of cholesterol rolling around on the floor and crying a lot, then maybe now really is the time for her to leave.

Although we hope that doesn’t happen because Fern’s ace and who’d replace her? Twiggy again? We’ll take our chances, thanks.

It's been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he's increased in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can't be called Slim Shady any more, and so he's thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner'z Illnezz being current front-runners.

In the past you couldn't help but stumble across comparisons between Eminem and Elvis Presley – after all, they were both white boys stealing black music and sending it mainstream. But now the comparison has never looked more accurate thanks to reports that Eminem has taken on Elvis' fondness for tubby reclusiveness and bouts of ill health. While it hasn't got to the 'death by shitting' stage yet, it's understood that things are actually getting quite serious for Eminem.

TMZ has reported that Eminem was rushed to a Detroit hospital over the festive period suffering from pneumonia, a bad heart and worrying weight-gain:

We're told Em was taken to a Detroit-area hospital for a serious heart condition and severe pneumonia. Sources tell TMZ Em's weight has ballooned to over 200 lbs. Eminem 's publicist told TMZ: "Over the holidays, Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was under doctor's care at a Detroit-area hospital for complications due to pneumonia. He has since been released and is doing well recovering at home."

At first, news of Eminem's illness probably seems sudden, but it's only after some thought that you come to realise that, actually, what is it that Eminem does any more? Sure, he's sold millions of records, but his last proper album came out four years ago. Since then there's been a Greatest Hits collection and a weak mix album to his name and nothing else with little on the horizon. Frankly Eminem could have caught pneumonia by digging a moat around his house naked, or contracted his heart disease by swallowing bees for a bet for all we know about him these days.

So hopefully Eminem will get better soon, and maybe even think about making more music at some point. Still, ever the optimists, at least there's something to be gained from Eminem laying in a hospital seriously ill – it'd be one less opportunity for him marry his ex-wife and then divorce her another couple of times.

Read more:

Eminem — Not Slim Anymore; Big Health Scare! – TMZ