If you’re of a certain age, you’ll definitely remember Ulysses 31. You’ll know the theme tune off by heart and recall those horrible, ghostly cadavers that hung in the air that dead smoke. Even if you hated it (what’s wrong with you?), you’ll know all that.

Of course, nostalgia is big business and Ulysses 31 is something that is oft remembered, but rarely given proper tribute in favour of Thundercats and Transformers. Ulysses 31 is up there with The Mysterious Cities Of Gold in the criminally overlooked league.

However, that’s all changed with a live action version of the best sci-fi cartoon ever made. Don’t argue. You’re wrong or a contrarian if you liked Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors better. Anyway, shall we watch a really cool video together?

Quite why no-one has tackled Ulysses 31 as a live action film before now is beyond us. There was a lot more weight to the tale than the likes of He-Man and Transformers, all of whom got their own live-action motion pictures.

In fairness, they were both pretty terrible. For starters, Orko wasn’t even in the Dolph Lundgren He-Man flick, instead, replaced by a warty little fella with a big nose.

Anyway, while this isn’t the news that Ulysses 31 is being turned into a feature length film, it is a glorious fan-made live-action tribute that should warm the cockles of your foggy memory.

Originally spotted at the marvellous Den of Geek by confidence trickster and general lothario, Matt, here’s a video that should, if you have anything about you, tickle all of your pickles.

NOW WATCH AND START REMAKING MORE OLD CARTOONS FOR US. WE WANT DOGTANIAN WITH REAL DOGS ON THEIR HIND LEGS HOLDING SWORDS.

Ahem.

If you were asked to sum up the Jackson family, how would you do it? Some people might call them the greatest collection of siblings who ever entered a recording studio. Others might comment on how inferior Janet and LaToya were compared to Tito, Jermaine and Randy.

Most people would say that the entire family were complete fruit loops.

However, we’d like to comment on how the Jackson family manage to pick the worst possible time for any new release. A brand new greatest hits album from Michael followed weeks after heart went all funny and of course, there was the tribute concert that was accidentally scheduled at the same time as the Dr. Conrad Murray trial. Some would say this was done for financial gain.

Cynical, cynical people.

As we all know, ‘Sexy’ Dr.Conrad Murray was convicted for administering all sorts of funky drugs into Michael Jackson. That should be it as far as we’re concerned. The poor sod’s rotting corpse can now get some peace. But not if the Jackson estate and pesky Brian May get their way.

Musical collaborations happen all the time. Most of them are a poor excuse for one of the artists to leech on to someone more successful than themselves and climb the ladder toward popularity again. Nowadays, people don’t do it for the love of the music; instead it’s for soundtracks where, if it the song turns out to be a disaster, everyone will have forgotten about it months later.

It’s safe to say that some collaborations have been safely locked away where nobody will ever get a chance to hear them. Probably because they’re rubbish. One such recording that was made in the eighties – a time that’s renowned for crap music- was between the king of pop Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury.

These days he wouldn’t get a look in. We have Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol for God’s sake.

Nowadays, Queen are fronted by Brian May, a man who is most famous for playing on the roof of the Queen’s house and demonstrating that white people can’t pull off an afro. Speaking about the potential release that ironically didn’t feature his input the first time, he said:

“The Michael Jackson estate are happy for us to go ahead with the music. But it’s not something that we can rush.”

Well that’s good to know isn’t it? A song from 1983 is going to be given a technical modern remix thanks to a bunch of old men providing some guitar work. We’re positive it’s what Michael would have wanted. But why release this now and not when Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury were alive? Surely this stinks of a cash in? According to the floppy haired one, it supposedly isn’t. May said:

“I don’t work on things with the aim to make money or for promotional reasons. I work on things with the view ‘to let’s see how it goes. When it is something we feel is worthwhile then it’s nice if we could get it out there.”

We pray that this release doesn’t get a release. With Michael Jackson and Queen fans not being mentally stable, this single will only spark off the apocalypse and see them kill off anyone who doesn’t appreciate “the musical genius”.

Thankfully, no release date has been set. But when we get news, we’ll let you know so you can gather supplies and lock yourself in an underground bunker.

Remember Michael Jackson’s amazing tribute event in Cardiff where people bought overpriced tickets to watch Alien Ant Farm, 3T, JLS and LaToya Jackson (aka Michael’s animated corpse) prance around on MJ’s grave?

Of course, most of the Jackson family thought the tribute was in terrible taste, what with it taking place in the middle of Conrad Murray’s trial.

The whole thing was beset with controversy, even to the point where absolutely insane Michael Jackson fans boycotted the whole thing, calling it a scam. Well, maybe those lunatics were onto something because Global Events – the people who put the show on – have now gone into administration leaving everyone who worked on the show unpaid for their work. HURRAY FOR MICHAEL JACKSON’S LEGACY!

The news, reported by Stereoboard (in a less funny way than us) if anyone wants to sue anyone over defamation of character, broke after some of the people who worked on the show went mental on twitter, using the hashtags #unpaidMJTalentTeam and #HELPGETMEPAID.

Sadly, everyone was too busy making jokes about #xfactor to give the vaguest of shits.

Anyway, this looks like a case of a bunch of lighting crew and roadies not getting paid, right? WRONG. The artists haven’t got paid either. Of course, the backstage crew should get paid first because they need the money more and, secondly, the artists should’ve done the whole thing for free if they loved Michael Jackson as much as they say they did.

Of course, now they’ve not been paid, you just watch all the pop stars saying “Oh, we were totally going to give our fee to a charity like Michael would’ve wanted.” You just watch.

A twitter user named Dom Pisani has been tweeting and writing about the whole thing, shouting:

“Not impressed that Global Live Events have gone bust leaving all who work tirelessly on the MJ Tribute concert unpaid!! #unpaidMJTalentTeam.”

They followed this up with:

“Still no payment from Michael Jackson Tribute Concert, apparently even artists are missing money. Doesnt look promising.”

“@Ivy_MJJC @misschiviouss @loakim45 #unpaidMJTalentTeam Keep tweetin guys, we need ppl to notice. Noones paid, guess that means charities too. wud really appreciate you posting it guys, they can’t be allowed to get away with it.”

Another user, Aaron Mavinga, wrote:

“HELP! I worked on the #MJtributeCONCERT last month and Global LIVe Events gone bust. PLEASE RT message #HELPGETMEPAID #unpaidMJTalentTeam.”

Ester GillT-Pleasure Gill (what an idiot name) said on the M4Tribute official Facebook page:

“It’s disgusting that not one person who worked on the concert got paid! A total scam and a real shame to end on! I worked hard on this show and then got told the promoter had not paid any bills at all and went bankrupt over night. What a Scam!! The Promoter should be ashamed of himself for ripping off hard working crew!”

No official word from Global Events as yet, and indeed, there’s nothing to say that these people aren’t lying (we have to say that legally), but y’know, with this being a gossip-based site, we have to report these things between the reviews and photos of boobs.

Looks like, even in death, Michael Jackson can’t catch a break with decent people to work with. Just think about the last person he hired.

Exactly.

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Hello. Are you a Westlife fan, troubled by the news that your Princes are going away to enjoy their moneyed-lives with their families and friends? Are you worried that there will suddenly be a void of mawkish, soaring ballads to sooth you while you self-harm in a bath of ice?

It’s bad news we’re afraid.

Westlife’s members have confirmed that the musical equivalent of an itchy jumper are unlikely to ‘do a Take That’ and get back together in a few years. Is it because Take That were always more relevant to pop music or is it because the Boyzone tribute market isn’t as lucrative as it once was? Who knows. Certainly not us.

There’s definitely no question of money. Especially not after Westlife announced that they will part next year after releasing a greatest hits compilation and going on a tour of Ireland & the UK (because no other countries care). Definitely nothing to do with grabbing a quick buck before they head of into the wilderness to await their call to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks ‘line-up’.

Kian (whoever that is) told someone or other that definitely wasn’t us:

“We walked away from a multi-million-pound record deal that would have changed our lives forever, secured our future beyond anything.”

Not that they’re skint, you understand. A career of covering other people’s hard work and standing from a stool when middle-aged women scream at you is both reminiscent of a Chippendale and surprisingly lucrative.

“It’s not about the money. We’d have made far more on a new record than we ever would with a comeback tour.”

Oh, good. It’s not about the money. They’ve decided they don’t want to put out a concept album. Presumably a concept album of them covering other people’s concept songs. We can’t confirm anything because they’re splitting up. Kian refused to address the issue of how much money they would make out of a greatest hits album and a farewell tour, having our hecklerspray reporter removed when he audaciously suggested that he was a money-obsessed hypocrite in a stained white suit.

Still they’ll make some money from their inevitable solo careers. Another Westlife member- apparently- Shane also told reporters that they will support each other when one decides to release an awful solo album, aiming to become the 21st Century’s Daniel O’Donnell.

“The first person to decide to do a solo record, the other three will all be there.

Wait… if they’re all there… would that not be another Westlife record?

“Everyone’s thought about going solo — I would love to continue singing for a living.”

At the moment though, Westlife are channelling all their efforts into the farewell tour, making sure that their stage show isn’t as boring as their music. Luckily, nothing was mentioned about ticket prices. It’s not about the money after all. It’s about the opportunity to say goodbye to their fans. Perhaps they’ll waves handkerchiefs… or £50 notes.

In case you gave half a hoot, Brian McFadden (the one whose name you know because he mounted Kerry Katona like a peroxide stallion) will not be joining them on stage. Apparently he has enough money. Somehow.

“We still sext him and stuff, but he’s not coming back.”

It’s a terrible time to be a Westlife fan. But then by the same token, we imagine it’s not been a great 13 years. Don’t worry though. They’ll be back in a few years. Bet your house on it.

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Haw, poor Michael Forever. The beleaguered tribute show to Michael Jackson is about as useful as a teapot made from Rizla. Basically, half the family hate it, the other half performing at it, joined by a cast of also-rans and nobodies.

And now, someone you will have heard of – the Black Eyed Peas – have cancelled their scheduled appearance at this weekend’s concert at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium due to “unavoidable circumstances”.

Those ‘circumstances’ seem to be a realisation that this is going to be the worst gig in the history of performing arts. Yes, that includes BEP’s Super Bowl halftime show.

One of the biggest names on the bill in Smokey Robinson who, in fairness, is a bona fide genius… but alas, anyone who saw him at the Electric Proms will know that, thanks to the miracle of surgery, Robinson now looks like he’s permanently got a pair of tights over his face.

That wonderful voice is now not enough to stop children from cowering in his presence.

Chris Hunt, chief executive officer of Global Live Events, isn’t phased though. He says:

“It is with regret that we announce the removal of Black Eyed Peas from the Michael Forever bill, but I look forward to a great night with other earth shattering artists.”

Earth shattering you say? Who might that be?

Well, hosted by the hate-inducing Fearne Cotton, revellers will be able to gawp at Marlon, Tito, Jackie and LaToya all looking like lost toddlers on a big stage, while Cee Lo Green, Leona Lewis, Alien Ant Farm, 3T and JLS will roll up and do their best to keep a straight face while talking about Michael Jackson’s cadaver.

Sadly, Kiss have been removed after everyone remembered that Gene Simmons said:

“Well, you know, where there’s smoke there’s fire. There’s no question in my mind he molested those kids. Not a doubt.”

Oh well.

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Michael Jackson’s Misery Concert Of Cash Cowdery And Crassery (or: Michael Forever Tribute) is going ahead next weekend in Cardiff, despite the fact that absolutely no-one from Michael’s family wants it to go ahead, for fear of distracting everyone from the trial of Dr Conrad Murray.

Wait. What’s that?

Sorry, nearly everyone in the Jackson family doesn’t want it to go ahead. So who is letting the side down and letting money come first? It couldn’t be anyone else! That’s right! It’s La Toya Jackson and she’s going to actually perform at the show too! What a gasping idiot.

So, just in case you need a catch up, this is where we’re at.

Michael Jackson died a couple of years ago and everyone is saying that Dr Conrad Murray manslaughtered one off all over the former King Of Pop with a hospital worth of Propofol. Okay?

Now, the whole family has been pretty angry that a tribute show is going ahead (in Wales, obviously a place hugely associated with Jackson) while the trial is going on and, worse still, the line-up of performers is weaker than MJ during the This Is It rehearsals.

So step forward La Toya, a woman who once said that Michael actually did touch some children inappropriately, stripped for Playboy, bailed on a series of shows at Moulin Rouge and appeared on British Celebrity Big Brother… now, to perform at a tribute gig that her siblings are on record as being squarely against.

Class.

She says:

“I have put musical performance behind me for roughly two decades, but there will never be another magical moment such as this to celebrate Michael with his fans to perpetuate the importance of his legacy. I am honoured to share the stage with the incredible performers in this line up and am certain that nothing would make my brother smile bigger or brighter than this tribute concert.”

“In speaking with my mother yesterday, I asked her where she thinks Michael would rather have us be, in this courtroom filled with negativity and lies or on a stage celebrating his music, his legacy and his life and she said without a second of thought, ‘Celebrating his Life with family and fans. I looking forward to putting on a great show and making my brother proud.”

We can only hope that she performs ‘Sexbox‘ because it’s got such a brilliant title.

Anyway, La Toya will join legends like… uuuh… Alien Ant Farm, 3T, Alexandra Burke, Pixie Lott and… ummm… Diversity.

It really is what Michael would’ve wanted. A boundary-pushing spectacle filled with the biggest, envelope-stretching stars.

Christ.

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Over in America, Dr. Conrad Murray is being accused of administrating some mental sounding drugs into Michael Jackson and causing him to carry out his last boogie.

However, it isn’t just the remaining members of the Jacksons that he has to prove his innocence to. The singer’s children also want answers and then, we have the fans that all seem to have been touched by Michael in their own special way.

The Moonwalking For Justice trial is expected to last for months, but this hasn’t stopped a cultish gathering of Jackofans to gather in Cardiff on Saturday 8th August. There, the king of pop’s life will be celebrated whilst a man is still being tried. With both events happening at the same time, some say it’s a bit sickening. But hey, they’ll be mincing their words now. After all, the gig has been injected with totally mad and uber kewl Fearne Cotton. Who wouldn’t want to go?

Don’t know who Fearne Cotton is? For non UK residents, she presents a mid-morning radio show where she educates the nation’s youth with brand new and exciting music that isn’t playlisted or dictated for her to play. At all. No way.

Now and then, she’ll play some rock music because she likes that sort of stuff. And tattoos. We’re constantly reminded that someone has permanently etched a Chinese symbol on to the back of her neck which probably says ‘Totally rad!’ or ‘Genius’ because, according to Fearne, all the music that passes her vacant glare is ‘genius’.

But it’s not just music that Fearne is a fan of. She’s bang into fashion and has been involved with all sorts of launches. Entire blogs are set up in honour of the DJ where they scrutinise every last detail of her apple green pumps against stone washed denim jeggings and orange tinged sunglasses.

Gnarly dude!

Like any media type, Fearne Cotton loved Michael Jackson.

“I was always a massive fan of Michael Jackson himself. Without him there’s a whole generation of performers and entertainers who might never have got their break in music. His contribution was crucial and his premature death a complete tragedy.”

Really?

Paula Abdul got her break via Michael and… uuh… umm… aaah… well… that’s it. Fearne Cotton thinks MJ is worth paying tribute to – for money – based solely on the existence of Paula Abdul and possibly 3T?

*prepares noose*

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As a doctor, presumably you know when a human is a lost cause. That’s why Dignitas exists, right? And so, if the rumours that Michael Jackson was knocking back Propofol like milk, he probably thought ‘sod it’.

And who can blame him?

During the Moonwalking for Justice trial, it seems that MJ was dying in his bedroom while Dr. Conrad Murray spent 45 minutes on the telephone, calling a cocktail waitress (according to the prosecution). He probably wanted a Long Island Iced Tea or something from doing all that hard work staring at Jackson’s increasingly peculiar face.

The medic has been accused of making five calls to friends and for business purposes after he allegedly administered a 25mg dose of anaesthetic Propofol to the singer at 10.40am on June 25, 2009.

Remember that night? God that was weird wasn’t it? It was Glastonbury weekend and the syphilitic swines in the Somerset mud all heard the typical Dead Sleb rumour and passed off Jackson’s death as a hoax while the rest of us pressed REFRESH on TMZ and more reputable news sources.

Anyway, back to the trial, and the gallery was an autograph hunters’ wet-dream, occupied by Michael’s family – Katherine, Joe, Janet, La Toya, Tito, Randy and Jermaine.

Jackie, Randy and Marlon couldn’t be bothered turning up it would appear.

They all looked on with their surgery enhanced eye-sockets, while the prosecution and defence gave their opening statements in Dr. Murray’s trial yesterday.

They heard a load of boring stuff about the time of this, that and the other… the best bit being that Jackson died so quickly that he didn’t even have time to close his own eyes. That said, you could easily argue that the C. Montgomery Burns of Pop actually had a lackey to do that job for him.

The defence team, meanwhile, are still pointing at Michael’s ghost (as seen on CNN) and mouthing the words “he did it himself. Look at him. He’s a weirdo.’

What we want to know is what the cocktail was like!

The trial/circus continues.

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The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine.

We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not to mention the champion hurdler Colin and Hobbit botherer, Peter.

What a family! However, Michael Jackson’s son is not like the rest of his clan. He’s ‘nervous’ about testifying in the trial related to his dad’s death.

Apparently, the former King of Pop’s eldest children – Prince and Paris (not to be confused with the singer Prince and the city of Paris) -  are both understood to be completely determined to give evidence after Michael died from… drum roll please… acute Propofol intoxication!

We’ve tapped out the word Propofol so many times since 2009 that we honestly feel like we have a decent case to get some kind of royalty.

A man who hasn’t exactly done the brand any favours is doctor Conrad Murray who has been charged with involuntary manslaughter.

Murder by medicine if you will. That’s not a legal term we’ll point out. We’re just trying to make a catchy buzzphrase that will take-off. You can have that one for free if you write a dreadful book about the whole Jackson’s Corpse v. Murray trial.

AAAAANYWAY.

Prince and Paris were both eyewitnesses to, ostensibly, their ‘dad’ dying. They watched him cease to be on the bedroom floor which is enough to ensure they’ll grow up warped. Well,  Katherine Jackson did say that her grandchildren were going to grow up just like their father.

It’s reported that sources close to Prince say the 14-year-old is nervous and worried that if he’s called to the stand he might get flustered and mess up,’

The trial against Murray begins today in Los Angeles

It has been reported that if Prince (again, not to be confused with the singer of the same name – it really is making the whole thing stupidly confusing) does give evidence, the lawyers may well clear the courtroom so his nerves don’t get the better of him.

If the court isn’t cleared, then Joe Jackson will get a performance by beating the living shit out of the poor tyke and throwing him into the spotlight. POSSIBLY.

Interestingly, one story that’s not being talked about much – the one we like the best because it has a filthy air of mystery about it – is that the fingerprints found on the syringe that killed MJ haven’t been identified and that they apparently don’t belong to Murray or any member of Michael’s family or staff.

Conspiracy theorists reckon it’s a ‘Mr. X’ who dished out the lethal dose and fled the scene of the crime with over $1 million in cash in their back pocket.

It definitely wasn’t us, okay?

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Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, roll up for what promises to be the greatest court case spectacle that the world has ever seen!

In the UK, we only get hastily sketched drawings of court proceedings, sometimes making us think that cartoon characters actually carry out heinous crimes. But in America, good old fashioned family time can be spent watching an alleged murderer on TV! AMAZING!

We’re not sure if the court case brought against Dr. Conrad Murray will suffer a similar fate, but after endless delays and arguments, the trial is set to go ahead. No doubt it’ll drag on forever and the eventual outcome will be appealed, but for now, everything is running correctly. One of the most difficult tasks was the jury selection process and, after months of screening potential jurors, twelve have been selected. Are there any questionable doubts? Of course there are, stupid. It is a Michael Jackson trial after all.

Normally, a jury selection process is a piece of cake. In high profile cases like murder, the likelihood is that members of the jury will be called in from different cities around the country. Or if you live in America, from a different states. But in the “Moonwalking For Justice Trial” where Dr.Conrad Murray has to convince everyone he didn’t let the singer do a boogie on the floor after his brain and heart were tripping out, this can be a little bit tricky.

How do you remain impartial to the death of a world famous musician who has not only been making records since the sixties, but has a money-sucking family exploiting his name after his death? It’s quite difficult, especially because Jackson died two years ago and multiple reports and opinions have been knocking around.

So who is on the jury then? It’s been reported that:

“The trial of Michael Jackson’s former doctor Dr Conrad Murray will face a jury of 12 people, it has emerged. It will feature, among others, a male who briefly met the singer when working at a Disney Theme Park in 1980, a bookseller, a school bus driver and a professor.”

Hold on a doggone second! A male who briefly met the singer at Disneyland?! It’s a given that Jackson regarded him as a nobody but we would’ve thought that any minimal contact or interaction with the person at the centre of the trial would be an issue.

If this was a life changing experience for the individual, then chances are his opinion on Dr. Conrad Murray will be a little biased. We assume they’ll see Murray as some kinda cold hearted evil murderer. After all, this is under the proviso that all his fans are missing a few screws. Jacksonites continually tell us that the king of pop touched a lot of peoples lives.

[insert child molestation court case joke here]

The only way that the “Moonwalking For Justice” trial won’t go ahead as planned will be if Dr. Conrad Murray falls sick and can’t attend, which would be ironic. If news of this got out, we’re sure that a mentalist Michael Jackson fan impersonating a doctor would be on hand to administer some sort of wacko cocktail of drugs to Murray instead of making his headache go away.

Either way, let the circus begin!

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With the Michael Jackson v. Conrad Murray’s Syringe court case imminent, we need to keep Jacko in the news because come the trial, we’ll need to convince ourselves that we’re informed.

There’s no danger of you lot being uber-informed though because, chances are, you have absolutely no life outside of scouring the internet for articles about the former King Of Pop (since MJ’s death, the crown has been handed over to Pitbull).

However, as Michael is completely and utterly dead, we have to look elsewhere for stories. And so, we bring the tale of Jackson’s daughter – Paris – sleeping with a jacket. Isn’t jacket one of Michael’s other children?

So the news is that Paris Jackson is sleeping in the same bed as Jacket Jackson? That’s barely news at all. Loads of children… especially siblings… sleep together in the same bed.

It’s perfectly innocent isn’t it? Children sleeping together is the most natural thing in the world… unless of course, you’ve got an ageing popstar bunking down with them too.

What is peculiar though, is that Paris Jackson insists on sleeping with Jacket as a pillow.

Poor Jacket Jackson. That’s the kind of mental torture that made Michael so mental as an adult. Can we then assume that Jacket Jackson will end up with a music career that will, say, eclipse that of 3T? That’d be something wouldn’t it?

WAIT! Jacket Jackson doesn’t exist! We’re getting confused! It’s Blanket Jackson!

It appears that Paris is sleeping with one of her late father’s jackets as a pillow! That makes more sense we guess. Unless it’s the horrible S&M buckled thing that he wore in the Bad video. We imagine that’s less comfortable to sleep on than a conch shell.

Apparently, the jacket still smells like him. A mixture of remorse and Hi Karate aftershave then?

Worryingly, MJ’s mother Katherine believes his children will grow up to be “just like him”, especially Paris, who insists on having her walls filled with pictures of her pop legend father.

Well, we know how much Michael liked having oil paintings of himself haunting his walls. If his children are going to grow up just like their dad, this means we have to start coming up with scurrilous jokes to slap them with once they worm their way into the public eye.

Jeez. They’re a gift that keeps giving aren’t they?

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Michael Jackson’s death may well be very sad for those who still bought his albums post-Dangerous (yes, these people actually exist), but it hasn’t been all bad news for the world.

You see, like deep sea creatures gorging on the carcass of a dead whale, Michael Jackson’s cadaver has created something of a cottage industry, where everyone is making a nice living out of an injection of Propofol.

And one person doing very well out of Michael’s death is Jermaine Jackson who, ironically enough, is paying his mortgage by scalding everyone who is making money out of Michael’s deathly mishap.

So what’s the deal?

Well first off, Jermaine thinks that MJ was killed by greed, power and money. Again, that Propofol may have something to do with it and years of alleged substance abuse. But yeah, greed, power and money.

Speaking before the manslaughter trial of Conrad Murray (coming to a TV near you later this month), Jermaine says that those surrounding his brother failed to look after him, as they pushed him to play his money spinning comeback gigs.

Of course, you could argue that Jermaine failed to pick the phone up frequently enough to make sure his quite obviously ill for a number of years brother was up to the job.

JJ say:

“Why didn’t somebody call me or Jackie or Tito or Marlon or his family, to say, ‘Come down here, your brother is not acting normal?’ Had we been called, he would be alive today. We would have taken him to the hospital”

“Because they wanted the show to go on… It’s all about — this is a story about greed and power and money. And not looking at the person in Michael.”

That’s Jermaine Jackson there, who is currently promoting a book he’s written about Michael Jackson. A book that he wasn’t writing when his brother was alive.

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The only people counting down the days to the Michael Jackson ‘Moonwalking For Justice’ manslaughter trial, are members of his immediate family and his slightly psychotic followers.

Oh, how we look forward to seeing scores of Jackson fans with badly scrawled banners, candlelit shrines and people walking around in monkey costumes.

And poor ol’ Dr. Conrad Murray – who’s accused of administrating the lethal drugs that caused Michael Jackson to go in to cardiac arrest – has a few hurdles to mount before the trial even begins.

Over in Cardiff, an ill-timed tribute to the King of Pop will be taking place and somehow, the American authorities have the comedic task of sifting through jurors, so they’re totally impartial. Despite the focus of this trail not focusing to the times Jackson allegedly spent with children, it’s great to see Jermaine Jackson dragging up this grey period of the families’ life for us to ponder over again.

Whatever your opinion on Michael and his sleepover trial, which involved accusations of more than just holding hands, it seems there’s always a Jackson member around to remind us of the incident. The bloke didn’t face court appearances just the once – he had allegations thrown his way twice. To most outsiders like us, this didn’t look good at all. Surely if Jackson got off the first time he wouldn’t make the sloppy mistake that got him caught again? Apparently so it seems and brother Jermaine Jackson was fearful that things could get bad. He said:

‘If they were going to sit and crucify my brother for something that he didn’t do, America deserves us not to come back here. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be the land of the brave, home of the free, democracy, freedom of speech. The way they were treating him, none of that existed. Why should he go to jail for something he didn’t do?’

As we all know, the courts decided that despite his name being tarnished forever, Michael Jackson was cleared of all charges in 2005. But why did the Jacksons have a Plan B in place in case everything went belly up? Again, it has been reported that:

‘A private jet financed by a friend was on standby to whisk the King of Pop to Bahrain if Michael was convicted in his 2005 court case. The former Jackson 5 member said his younger brother was not aware of the escape plot, but would have agreed to flee America ‘in a heartbeat’ because he would not have survived in jail.’

Not being able to survive in prison? We’d agree on that point. Looking at the frail and skeletal figure of Michael Jackson, he wouldn’t have the energy to bend over in the shower and pick up the soap. He’d only anger fellow inmates with his constant whining and requests of someone to do it for him. Once again, questions have to be asked why Jermaine Jackson has decided to post this statement that’ll please mental fans of Michael’s that he wouldn’t be thrown into the slammer.

It seems that Jermaine Jackson has a book out! How about that, a piece of merchandising conveniently planned for the Murray trial and weirdly placed tribute show in Cardiff. This is where we’d finish off with a tasteless joke, but the title of Jermaine’s book is better than anything we can muster up:

You Are Not Alone: Michael Through A Brother’s Eyes.

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As we saw in a recent rape trial involving a certain influential banker and a maid, judging someone on their character is a big deal in the American legal system. Basically, if you’re a dodgy sod, people are less likely to believe your defence.

However, with Michael Jackson, he gets special rules because he’s really famous.

See, in the upcoming manslaughter trial, starring Dr Conrad Murray ‘as himself’, many aspects of Jackson’s dark past won’t be taken into account. That sounds fair doesn’t it?

Of course, there are MJ fans who will think that this is exactly the way we should go about our business, not judging people by the things they’ve been accused of in the past. Although, that said, they weren’t quite so forgiving of Gene Simmons and Kiss when they were announced on the bill of a Michael Jackson tribute show to be held in Cardiff.

And so, even though it is widely accepted that Jackson battled an addiction to painkillers in his past, Murray’s attorneys won’t be able to bring this up because Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor has barred testimony from a half-dozen doctors who have said that Michael was drug-dependent.

Basically, all they’ll be able to do is agree that Conrad Murray should go to prison.

Murray has admitted that he gave Jackson Propofol, but the defence attorneys suggest that it was Jackson who administered the fatal dose himself, while Murray was out of the room.

Arguing this seems like a near-impossible task. More tricky is finding an impartial jury. It’s obvious that there is a very good chance that, whoever is called upon, they’ll either love him or hate him.

If a jury panel can be found, the show starts in the last week of September.

This means that fans of the King of Pop should start making their fancy dress outfits now and update their banners that said “WE’LL NEVER FORGET YOU MICHAEL” to “CONVICT THIS BASTARD OF MURDER OR WE’LL ANNOY YOU TO SUICIDAL POINT”.

Of course, these mental fans will sway the jurors as they walk to the courthouse and, chances are, they’ll be so grated by people in red sequin jackets and half mast drainpipe disco trousers, that they side with Murray, even it transpires that he actually choked Jackson to death with the plug flex from a penis pump.

Let the circus commence.

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Quick everyone! Raid the cupboard for party poppers and get out your best bunting to decorate the living room. Today sees Freddie Mercury turn sixty five and a day!

However, Freddie is yesterday’s news and has already been forgotten about. But here at hecklerspray, we won’t let a new Google image or Twitter hashtag see his memory simply forgotten.

Just like the whitefro wearing sell-out Brian May, we want to flog the birthday of Freddie Mercury to death. And oh look! Here comes Katy Perry!

That’s right!

Russell Brand’s wife also wanted to make out that she cared about a dead rocker and decided to sing a tribute to the star that definitely doesn’t look like a one take wonder before she went off to have sexy wex with Russelly Wusselly and his long, thin cockywocky.

And here it is.

Out of all the mainstream female performers such as Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry, we find it slightly weird that it wasn’t Lady Gaga paying tribute to the Queen singer whilst dressed as a praying mantis. After all, there’s something about her stage name that suggests she was particularly fond of one of the bands hits. Probably “Don’t Stop Me Now,” seeing she constantly comes up with wacky ways of dressing herself.

The only thing we can thing that links Katy Perry and Freddie Mercury have in common is their supposed bonding in homosexuality. Unless Katy has sculpted her pubic hair to resemble the famous moustache that Freddie spouted. As we all know, Fred was open about his sexual orientation whilst Katy Perry did a whole song about locking lips with other ladies. If Freddie Mercury had released a version with a similar feel, we assume that the lyrics would have gone along the lines of:

“I kissed a boy and I liked it, the taste of his meaty manstick.”

Sadly for Freddie, the bad AIDS got a hold of him, hence the reason he isn’t around with us today. Something tells us that Katy Perry won’t go the whole hog and infect herself with the killer disease to be like her idol. Though some dim-witted Queen fans probably did decide this would be a “cool” thing to do. Kind of like getting a tattoo, but more a ticking time bomb towards death. Still, it beats emulating a Brian May/Anita Dobson haircut as a tribute.

To mark the memory of Freddie Mercury turning sixty five and-a-bit, we might run a special feature tomorrow, but written in pure Spanish, in tribute to his Barcelona record. This might involve us having to learn the language, or reverting to the classic British tradition of communicating with foreigners by SHOUTING AND POINTING AT STUFF.

Meanwhile, Katy Perry will be looking out for when for the birthday of Martin Luther King so she can say he inspired her to have a dream and release bland music.

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