We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.

Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.

It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.

So, Michael’s the king of our robot overlords and a pimp. Huh? Okay. The guy who may or may not be a pimp pushed them together and somewhere in there everyone forgot she had a boyfriend. Maybe. No one seems to be sure. Asked whether he was the other man in a relationship that’s now spanned six years, he stuttered and gave a blithe, non-committal retort.

In all likelihood, Fox was on a Ross and Rachel break in which sleepovers were allowed as long as there’s no kissing. So, that was what she did. And Shia blabbed because he’s no gentleman.

Megan’s not really talking to the press about this. However, multiple, excitable sources are speaking on her behalf. And they’re emoting all over the place.

OK! Magazine reports that Megan and Brian are desperately trying to save their marriage. “He has really upset Megan and Brian,” a close source explains. “They went through an incredibly rocky period when she and Shia were filming Transofmers: Revenge of the Fallen…having Shia run his mouth now and brag about sleeping with Megan is awful for them.” Though was it really cheating? “…technically [Megan] didn’t do anything wrong since they were on break. [Still], they are so angry at Shia.”

Megan’s really, really, upset that she got caught. Because, frankly, with a daily side of extra penis, that would be the only reason to be sad.

This was the last ever guest post by Amy Grindhouse, which is terrible, terrible news… but then again, it really is her own fault for her continual sexual advances toward the rest of Team Spray.

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Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.

Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.

So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.

The betitted-bombshell of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has revealed that Prince Harry is her ideal man, which makes James Hewitt her perfect father-in-law, right? Seeing as he was ‘Gentleman Jim’ on ITV’s oft-overlooked masterpiece ‘Celebrity Wrestling’, it isn’t surprising she wants in with that lot.

Wait. Prince Charles is Harry’s dad. That’s right. Sorry, we get our Royal connections very, very confused (happy now ‘spray lawyers? Honestly. You can’t joke about anything now! Wait ’til we write about your dealings with a Tunisian ‘masseur’, y’big gits).

If Prince Hazeem wants to pop his regal beagle into Huntington-Whiteley’s front-garden, he’s going to have to fight off Jason Statham who is currently knocking his uglies with the model.

Rosie says:

“I’m waiting for my proposal.I keep writing. I think he knows how obsessed I am. Well, he does now. He’s so handsome.”

Let us now arrange a fight to the death between Statham and Harry as they both bid for the heart of RHW, okay? Get it televised on a PPV and we’ll wipe the national debt with the funds raised from it. That or, of course, Harry could call on some favours from his family’s shadowy cabal and they could just bump Statham off in a Paris tunnel.

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Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.

No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.

Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.

LaBeouf explains, like a true gent:

“Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them.”

“I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

You could? Really? While she stood motionless and pouting at thin air? Even so, wasn’t she spoken for at the time?

He says (and this isn’t made up):

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was what it was.”

So that’d be a yes then. Or, possibly, it didn’t happen at all and it is all just a device to stir up interest in Transformers 3. Of course, Fox has been replaced in the film after making comments about Nazis, which is an impressively dumb thing to do in Hollywood.

Now we can all speculate about Shia sticking his Beouf in new Transformer totty Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

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Right lets cut to the chase, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has a crap script and the acting is, for lack of a better word, shit. Sorry Michael, but bear with us because you come off good in the end…

It’s still got those bloody parents in it, it’s rife with dodgy racial stereotyping, the irritating shitty robots who do nothing but make lame jokes, penis references and Patrick Dempsey. Trust us – the list goes on!

Frankly it’s difficult to understand why scriptwriter Ehren Kruger is even working on Transformers still, having failed so miserably with the last film. Worst still, despite getting rid of Megan Fox, director Michael Bay has seemingly opted for yet another hottie with zero acting skills in the form of Rosie Huntington-Whitley who seems to spend more time pouting and looking dead to the world than actually contributing to the bloody film. For a director with such a skill at creating visual feasts for the eyes, he sure is ignorant when it comes to the storytelling behind a film… but this is an brilliant film, right?

See, this is Michael Bay. By his very definition he’s inherently dumb-downed, misogynistic and crass. He’s been doing it for years and we’ve been lapping it up from the very moment Bad Boys came out. Honestly, after all the hype, photos, trailers and feature articles before Transformers release you’d think that just one person might have cottoned onto the fact he was going to do the same god damn thing he always does.

Yet even now critics are already lining up to lament Transformers for not delivering something we should all know full well by now that Bay can’t deliver, let alone when the main characters are robots with laser cannons for arms.

So just this once, let us say bollocks to scripts, acting and the character development, because if that’s your thing then bugger off and go rent a James MacAvoy film.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is spectacle cinema at its very finest. You’re not meant to sit up and pay attention, you’re meant to put banality aside and let the sheer ridiculousness of the mayhem and carnage wash over you.

Sure, as we’ve mentioned the script is crap, but admittedly it has its plus points too, with far more audience laughs than personal groans.

Equally the film manages to bring on board more Transformer characters than ever before and give a good account of them, where other blockbusters have failed seemingly failed (See Spiderman 3, Iron Man 2, et al.). If, as many would have you believe, this is to be the final film in the series, it sure is a hell of a way to round off the trilogy and, as always, with some breathtaking action set pieces.

Those wondering whether or not to opt in for the 3D experience definitely should. Unlike the sad gimmicky trash demonstrated in Pirates of the Caribbean or Alice in Wonderland, Transformers instead goes for more of an Avatar based use of 3D technology, providing more of an immersive layered effect (no goofy swords or pikes sticking out the screen here).

Additionally, if none of that made sense, then just stop being cheapskate and pay the extra few quid and you’ll thank us later because it’s one of the few times we’re going to endorse the cash cow that is 3D cinema.

The film isn’t perfect and anyone expecting it to be might as well sling their hook now. Transformers aimed to be bigger, bolder and more explosive than it’s predecessors and it accomplished it in spades… but if you can’t get past the fact Michael Bay is a crap storyteller, then you might as well not buy a ticket in the first place.

Dumb. Furious. Things go bang. Ace.

This review was a guest post by James Wright who, after watching Transformers 3, decided to graft metal appendages about his person in an attempt to look like Rodimus Prime. He’s now considered ‘stable’ in the toxic poisoning ward and accepting grapes and bongo mags.

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Oh dear. What’s a really stupid thing for an actor to do? Well, anti-Semitic comments haven’t ever really helped anyone and slagging off incredibly influential directors is almost certainly a dumb thing to do.

And now, hilariously. Megan Fox is going to find out just what happens when you do both of the above after she compared her boss to Hitler.

It appears that Spielberg didn’t take kindly having someone mouthing off about Hitler who, y’know, oversaw the killing of quite a few Jews, probably including a number of Spielberg’s family. As such, Stevie boy saw to it that Fox lost some lucrative acting work. What with her being one of the most amazing actors we’ve ever seen, this will no doubt be a crushing blow to her CV.

You may well know that Fox was dumped from the new Transformers movie in favour of British model Rosie Huntingdon-Whitley. Megan has been tottering around saying that she didn’t want to be in the third of the series because she wanted to pursue other acting opportunities. It would be awful if she got typecast as little more than an object of lust for 13 year old boys.

Alas, it transpires that Transformers 3 director Michael was told to get rid of Fox after she made her Hitler comment. He said:

“You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said fire her right now.”

That’s because Spielberg is the producer of the film and he saw that Fox, in an interview, said that Bay was…

“like Hitler on his sets”

Of course, Fox’s amazing acting prowess is such that she feels she can say things like that, despite the fact that her colleagues on-set compared her ability to that of a porn star. In one open letter, a crew member wrote:

“Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses’ life… he told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelina is a professional. We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies.”

So she’ll be sorely missed by the cast and crew then? And now Steven Spielberg hates her. Oh well, at least she’ll continue to get work from gloss wank-mags, eh?

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We’re going to start this off by dragging your collective minds out of the gutter… we mean the lips on her face. Anyone who thought different will be made to sit and write 1,000 lines, with an also-ostracised Editor Mof Gimmers.

Explaining why her breasts were cast to offset the bombastic and yet somehow monotonous and threadbare work of Michael Bay, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has spoken about the facial features that got her bullied in secondary school.

It’s going to be a long summer filled with less-than-special effects and poorly-implemented 3D that’s going to make you whimper for something lower tech. A few of this season’s films look especially ropey on the old effects there; The Green Lantern and Captain America among the worst. As not even boys can suffer through 120 minutes of explosions, all of these films are going to have bonus boobs. Boobs, attached to some pretty-but-interchangeable woman, who’s onscreen intermittently to remind you there is a God.

In this case, those boobs belong to Rosie. She replaces an angry Megan Fox who left to join the Spice Girls, or something, according to an annoyed-sounding Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, did we not mention, Rosie was cast in Transformers: Dark Of The Moon because she’s comfortable larking about in her skivvies. Speaking about Megan’s departure, Shia told a newspaper that

‘Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Megan] never got comfortable with it… Rosie comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different.’

Boobs. We actually weren’t kidding about that.

The model seems passable at worst in the trailer. But she’s doing herself no favours in her interviews. Not that it’s her fault, but time and time again she’s asked about her famous pout. Speaking to Maxim, Rosie admits her lips have magical powers. Which, of course, means she’s a witch and should be burned at the stake.

‘The rest of my body requires a lot of upkeep, but the lips are one thing I don’t have to work on. They’re funny, because they change colour with my mood. They get really, really red when I’m angry or passionate, and pale when I’m miserable or tired. But I suppose everyone else’s do too. They have a life of their own. they get me in trouble. You know mood rings? I’ve got mood lips.’

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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To be a pop star these days, it isn’t as easy as releasing an album, going on tour and doing the occasional interview. Once we realise that selling out arenas around the world is just another of our shattered dreams, we leech on to someone who accomplished their dream and monitor every move they like, proudly clapping every time they do something right.

Therefore, the modern singer has even more pressure mounted on their shoulders.

Lady Gaga pretty much owns the music industry at the moment. From releasing singles that even the most anti pop music fan admits to liking, injecting life back in to music videos and ensuring that live performances are memorable occasions. One strange rumour that has always dogged Lady Gaga is her supposed possession of both male and female genitals.

This tall tale hasn’t done anything to harm her success.

Instead she’s literally gearing up to the release of her second album by showing us what she really is. And she’s no vagenis, but rather, a big fat motorbike!

Whodathunkit?

Even though the Tranformers films are nothing but a pile of donkey drivel wrapped up in glistening childhood memories complete with a pretty lady for you to lust over, we can only guess that this is the inspiration for Lady Gaga’s artwork for her second album Born This Way. We’d have been more amused if she’d played on the hermaphrodite rumour and had nothing but a giant penis as the cover art, but that probably shows why we don’t get many commissions to produce record sleeves.

Because Lady Gaga can literally do anything she wants, we predict that her marketing team are already commissioning five limited edition bikes, resembling the artwork. Lucky winners can then ride around all day before some kid on the estate keys it. It’s the sort of feature that could appear on Top Gear where three middle aged men with inappropriate haircuts use IKEA flat pack style instructions to see who could construct something that bares a slight resemblance. You could even incorporate a drinking game in to the mix by predicting when death defying midget Richard Hammond says something vaguely bigoted.

Is there any sexual imagery in the artwork? Not really, clutching at straws, you could argue that Lady Gaga’s mouth is opened wide enough to give you a gobble, though with a full set of teeth on display, she’d quite likely bite your chap clean off. But because she is half machine and half robot, we assume her gob would be used to insert the petrol pump in order fill her up. Though the prudes out there will argue that Lady Gaga is encouraging people to sit on top of her and ride her senseless. Perverts.

Lady Gaga is a trend setter and she’ll continue to do so as long as she damn well pleases. If her album cover had been nothing more than her sitting on a couch looking moody with her baps hanging out whilst wearing a floral dress complete with pizza stains and smeared makeup, people would be up in arms, accusing her of losing her creative spark. The Born This Way artwork is something different, so either get over it or start a pointless campaign group to change it on Facebook.

Hopefully we’ll see other artists following copying Lady Gaga, such as Lee Ryan from Blue smashing himself in the head with a toffee hammer and Justin Bieber in a blender.

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Having tasted blood following her involvement in Michael Bay’s continuing efforts to smash everything that is good into tiny bits with massive noisy CGI in recent Transformers movies, pouting automaton Megan Fox has set her sights on The Lost Boys.

Don’t get us wrong, the old Transformers toys and cartoons were a bit rubbish, but they were OURS dammit. They’ll be remaking Airwolf next. Don’t even get us started on Street Hawk. Anyone? No?

Anyway, Fox has recently been quoted by MTV News as saying she would love to appear in a remake of fondly-remembered cult film The Lost Boys, and that the “movie has stuck with me my whole life. There’s something magic about it for me”.

We can only assume that because Megan Fox likes something she must then go on to lovelessly grind it into the ground under the heel of one of her preposterous stilettos so no-one else can enjoy it whilst she laughs and laughs because she then went on to say that remaking the cult movie would ‘destroy it’.

Not content with merely ‘destroying’ the film that has a special place in the heart of anyone who grew up in the 1980s, she went on to say that “the female character in it is not really amazing, but if you were to turn one of the male characters into a female, I would love to do that.”

Rumours that she would do this on the occasional evening she didn’t spend breaking into your house in the middle of the night, finding all your old childhood photographs and drawing a huge cock and balls on the foreheads of everyone appearing in them are unconfirmed.

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Masturbating teenagers the world over have long found a shared comfort in one thing – Megan Fox looks quite dirty.

She does. Look at the Transformers films. It doesn’t matter what Megan Fox is asked to do – fix a car, talk to Shia LaBeouf, run away from an exploding robot – she can’t help but jut her jubblies out and pull a face that makes her look a bit like she’s having a sort of vaguely erotic stroke. She’s dirty. Megan Fox has probably had sex with loads of men.

Except she hasn’t. For a reason that only she knows – perhaps because she hasn’t been in any magazines for a couple of weeks – Megan Fox has decided to tell the world that she’s only slept with two men in her entire life. And one of those used to be in Beverly Hills 90210, so he doesn’t count. Honestly, Megan Fox is practically a virgin.

Megan Fox’s looks are both a blessing and a curse. Admittedly there are several blessings – if she didn’t look the way she does then she would have never played the bimbo character in Transformers, or the bimbo character in How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, or the evil bimbo character in Jennifer’s Body, nor would she be the focus of several million unthinkably disgusting teenage ejaculations – compared to only one curse. But it’s a pretty big curse.

Because she looks a bit like a market stall Angelina Jolie sex doll, Megan Fox is constantly being judged on her looks. She’ll probably never receive a script that doesn’t contain the direction ‘Megan straddles the motorbike, adjusts her bikini and licks her lips in slow motion as Rock You Like A Hurricane plays in the background’. Nor will she ever play a meaty, emotionally-complex serial killer role, unless it’s in a film about a serial killer who shags men to death and is a robot. That’s just Megan Fox’s lot in life.

But now she’s decided to do something about it. In a bid to stop people thinking of her as a sort of futuristic sex alien, Megan Fox has decided to reveal that she’s actually had sex with far fewer men than you’d imagine. UsMagazine reports:

“I’ve only been with two men my entire life,” the actress, 23, tells the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar. “My childhood sweetheart and Brian.”Fox has been dating (and engaged to) former 90210 star Brian Austin Green on and off since 2004. She continues, “I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.”

Megan Fox’s feminine responsibility is good to know for several reasons. Most importantly it sends a valuable message to all the young girls who idolise her. In effect she’s saying that you don’t have to sleep with every man you meet to get ahead in life – you just have to look like you would. Wise words, Megan. Wise words.

And hopefully this admission will also help Megan Fox’s career, too. Now, rather than simply playing the busty, slutty-looking sex object in all of her films, she’ll now be offered a range of new roles, like the innocent schoolgirl who becomes a busty, slutty-looking sex object. Or the chaste nun who becomes a busty, slutty-looking sex object. Or the uptight nuclear physicist who gets zapped by an experimental sperm-ray and becomes a busty, slutty-looking sex object. The world is your oyster, Megan. Your sexy, sexy oyster.

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Note to Megan Fox: Some people don’t like being called Hitler – especially when they’re your boss.

Apparently, in retaliation for her Hitler jibe, Michael Bay has decided to kill Megan Fox off in Transformers 3. If you ask us, he’s gone light on Megan – after all, this is a man who would blow up a children’s nursery if it got in between him and a badly conceptualised script.

It appears Megan Fox may have to find another franchise to cavort around in with a smug, self-satisfied look on her face. She’s reportedly going to be killed off in the upcoming Transformers sequel, imaginatively under the working title of  Transformers 3. Oh, spoilers!

It is hard to imagine the franchise going on without Megan Fox. After all, she lent so much to the films – for instance, there’s that bit where she leans over the car in the first film and, er, that bit where she leans over the motorcycle in the sequel.

If you are unfamiliar with the war of words between Fox and her Transformers director Michael Bay, then let us refresh you. Megan spoke to Wonderland Magazine and had this to say about her boss:

“He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for.”

Nice. Some crew members then wrote a letter, describing poor Fox as “Dumb as a rock” and suggesting that working with her is a”tedious experience“. More was said, but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl – or you would if she didn’t walk around with the equally vacant faced Robert Patterson.

It all looks like doom and gloom for Hollywood’s favourite pair of funbags, as rumours say she might not be part of the mega-franchise much longer – insiders tell In Touch Weekly that Bay is picking up his red and yellow crayons and writing Fox out of the series in a gory (and surely explosive) death scene, so that he can replace her with a newer, hotter, younger actress.

“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.”

It’s okay though, Megan. You’ve got a successful movie career, two talents and a comfortable-looking ass to fall back on. Why, there’s that new film Jennifer’s Body that went straight to the bottom of the top 10 in the US. You’ll be alright, we’re sure there are plenty of directors out there dying to work with a one-note, robotic, self-absorbed actor famous for their bad relations with film crews.

Wait, we think we can hear the phone ringing. It’s McG, he wants to know if you’ll be in the next Terminator movie.

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It’s the second-most controversial film of the year – after Paul Blart – but Bruno has aced the weekend box office.

Despite attracting waves of controversy based on its edgy subject matter, Bruno – Sacha Baron Cohen’s follow-up to Borat – has entered the US weekend box office at number one, where it will definitely remain next week even though Harry Potter’s coming out.

It just goes to show that Transformers isn’t the only movie that can break records this year – Bruno has officially become the highest-grossing movie ever to feature a talking urethra. Michael Bay, we await your response with baited breath.
More than any other film this year – even that one where Serge Gainsbourg’s daughter snips her fanny off with some scissors – weekend box office number one Bruno has inflamed the passions of the broadsheet press. Some say that Bruno is homophobic. Some say that Bruno is the opposite of homophobic. Some say that Bruno is smug. Some say that if only Ali G Indahouse hadn’t been rushed into production then Sacha Baron Cohen wouldn’t have run out of characters to make films with already. Actually, nobody has said that yet. But, you know.

Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Bruno (So there’s been an Ali G film, a Borat film and now a Bruno film. What’s next for Sacha Baron Cohen? Let’s hope it’s a film based around this embarrassingly earnest youthy Windsor-based local television presenter. Talk about humiliating) $30,426,000

2 – Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (Not having seen Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs, we’re a little confused. Didn’t dinosaurs happen before the ice age? Is time going backwards here? Let’s hope so, because we’d love for Ice Age 4 to be about single cell prokaryotes. Single cell prokaryotes chasing an acorn around and being HILARIOUS!!!) $28,500,000

3 - Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Yesterday we heard about a competition where one of the prizes was a walk-on part in Transformers 3. We’re assuming that that’s the second prize, though, because that way the first prize would have to be something better. Like, you know, a jab in the eye with a shitty stick or whatever) $24,200,000

4 - Public Enemies (A film about a criminal starring that bloke who screams at his underlings and the woman with a sideline in uncomfortably barmy 9/11 conspiracy theories. No, we can’t understand why it didn’t do better either) $14,111,000

5 - The Proposal (Doing better than the just-released I Love You Beth Cooper, proving that Hayden Panettiere’s naked body isn’t quite as popular as Hayden Panettiere seems to think it is. Still, at least she’s got that sparkling personality of hers to fall back on, hasn’t she? Oh.) $10,507,000

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Holy Oedipus complex Batman! Look who is claiming not to be having sexy thoughts about their own mother, despite talking about little else for the whole of this month.

Let’s be clear, sexy thoughts about one’s rellies is about as natural as Coke Zero. Or the cheese in a Big Mac, if you will.

So why oh why this Shia LaBeouf bloke took to telling the world about the unsettling things going on in his brain is any one’s guess.

Shia the Beef, of Transformers fame, is reneging on a whole month’s worth of interviews, in which he claims that he spent lonely nights thinking sexy thoughts about his mother. After this month of nightmarish talks with an array of nondescript magazines and Playboy (inexplicably), the 23-year-old says that he was only joking about wanting to get his rocks off with mummy Beef.

He was up until recently one of the least offensive celebrities on the scene. He was an admitted alcoholic with what looked like a personal grooming problem, sure. But don’t tell me that on the Parasite Hilton scale of annoying, he was anything like as much of a pain in the bum as some of his peers.

The general consensus, after being battered to death over the head with quotes about said subject, was that Shia and mummy Beef were quite possibly doing the nasty and that Shia was becoming a leeetle bit hard to take.

This nonsense would not even have been an issue if Shia had just gone to see a damn therapist and gone over his peculiar and disturbing childhood, rather than grabbing any interviewer with a pen and asking them to recount his tales to the masses.

Mate, we know that talking to an interviewer is cheaper than shelling out on therapy, but it would be money well spent. We can even pony up some loose change for you, if you promise to get some bloody help.

The actor recently caused controversy after telling Playboy his mother is the “sexiest woman” he knows. “Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” he said. But Shia insists his comments were tongue-in-cheek — and he was just trying to make his dear old mom smile. “I’m not having sex with my mother. It’s ridiculous,” he tells US TV show Extra. “I don’t have any problems appearing crazy to make my mother smile, but she is the most beautiful woman on this planet and I love her. She’s fly as hell. I stand by that. My mom’s awesome.”

This was a guest blog by the magnificent Amy Grindhouse. You really must read her blog. It is exceptional.

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10 – Get ready to experience ‘the opposite of arousal’ – Mychemicaltoilet

9 – And now, in TV Reviews That Are Much Better Than The TV Show They’re Reviewing, here’s Ladette To Lady – Watchwithmothers

8 – Beardyman: Annoying or genius? Discuss – YouTube

7 – Similarly, do using these novelty binbags make you a hilarious prankster or the world’s biggest bellend? – Domesticsluttery

6 - If you’re an Xbox Live gold member, you can play Jason from Friday 13th at Call Of Duty on Friday. Apparently – Xbox

5 - Who are the best Transformers of all time? Let’s find out, shall we? – Interestment

4 - If hecklerspray was a local television news reporter, we’d like to think it’d be this one – Bestweekever

3 - In this genuinely horrific advertorial for a toilet paper holder, three things are worse than anything else. Can you guess what they are? – Geekologie

2 – Lindsay Lohan, now willingly naked. Bletch – AmyGrindhouse

1 - This is hands down the best Coldplay video we’ve ever seen…

Transformers 2 is undoubtedly going to be one of the biggest movies of 2009. Well, OK, maybe not ‘biggest’.

Maybe we meant ‘loudest’. Or ‘most pointless’. Or something. Look, anyway, none of this matters because there’s a brand-new teaser trailer for Transformers 2 after the jump, and we’re about to show it to you – while giving you the full lowdown on it – after the jump.

Alternatively, if you’ve seen the first Transformers movie, you might not want to bother watching the Transformers 2 trailer. It’s exactly the same. Exactly. Seriously, we’re not joking. Avoid the Transformers 2 trailer like the plague. You’re not listening, are you?

If you like endless scenes of abstract robot-on robot violence that have such little bearing on the real world that you’ll probably fall asleep through during them even though they’re all loud enough to cause structural damage to the foundations of the cinema you’re watching them in AND you don’t think you got enough of that in the original Transformers movie, then we have two pieces of advice for you:

1 – You’re either 14 years old or a medically-diagnosable idiot.

2 - Hold onto your hat, because there’s a new Transformers 2 trailer online!

Now, even though we’ve been keeping an eye on the Transformers 2 news lately – so we know that it’ll feature a morbidly obese Megan Fox and a severely Beadled Shia LaBeouf – details about the movie’s plot have been kept quiet. This, we guessed, was either because Transformers 2 will be so utterly groundbreaking that even hinting about it will give people nosebleeds, or because it’s going to be identical to the first Transformers in every possible way.

But now our questions have been answered with the new Transformers 2 trailer. Here it is. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT, it’s not the first one…

Initial destruction of something military-looking? Check. Megan Fox doing little else but cry and scream? Check. That handsome yet boring actor who isn’t Shia LaBeouf being completely superfluous to the plot? Check. Giant fighting robots punching in other in such extraordinary close-up that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on? Check.

Said robots urinating everywhere and talking like a bad end-of-the-pier comedian doing a borderline impersonation of a black person? Che… wait a minute! NOT CHECK! That doesn’t happen ONCE in the Transformers 2 trailer! We take it all back – Transformers 2 is going to be completely fresh, new and exciting in every single way!

We’re… we’re actually looking forward to Transformers 2 now. It might not actually be as terrible as we expected. We don’t know what to do now. We were banking on Transformers 2 being the most awful, pointlessly-realised sequel of the year. What are we going to tip scorn over now?

Terminator: Salvation, you say? Right you are.

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10 - Christmas, innit…

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8 - Gratuitous self-promotion of the week, part one: Stu’s foolproof Christmas survival guide, over at Kontraband

7 - Transformers 3 has a release date. Merry Christmas! – Darkhorizons

6 - Beyonce continues to walk in the footsteps of Michael Douglas. Next week: Falling Down! – Best Week Ever

5 - Eight Guinness world record attempts. Eight spectacular failures – Cracked

4 - Look at 100 cereal boxes. LOOK AT THEM! – Alanvalek

3 - The ten best Britney Spears moments of all time. Seriously. Someone found ten – BuddyTV

2 – And speaking of Britney Spears, don’t think she’s forgotten about you if you don’t celebrate Christmas – Digitalspy

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