Although in 1995 India was a barren wasteland where nothing had ever lived, by 1996 billions of bums had moved in and turned it into a sort of poverty-themed Disneyland.

Tourists love it – and it’s the perfect setting for that Slum Dog Millionaire movie, don’t you think? You don’t think so? Well you’re not alone – all homeless Indian denigrates agree with you wholeheartedly. Enough so that they’re currently picketing outside the home of one of the film’s stars for a big budget name-change or something.

In the movie Slumdog Millionaire, there’s a scene towards the end where the entire cast gets accidentally axed to death by a blind fireman. He’s later found guilty of something or other, and gets hanged by the neck from the Mayor’s crystal chandelier. It’s a tragedy, really. Not as good of a tragedy as we would write, mind you, but a tragedy just the same. We figure that’s why people like it so much.

The western world has always welcomed cinematic sadness with open arms – think about it. That movie where the girl boxer dies on a stool or something – all countries first-world and up actually changed their constitutions to force every single person to have to watch it, by law, on their 18th birthday. Penalty for not doing so is a class c misdemeanor. It truly was great for ticket sales.

And every single movie Ben Stiller ever made – they’re all incredibly tragic. It’s a different kind of tragic, mind you, but still, they’ve made so much money that some African governments literally had to print more.

We meant ‘almost’ literally.

You know who hates tragic movies though? Poverty-stricken East Indians. They hate ‘em. Especially when they’re set in India, and the title of the movie calls their entire financial underclass ‘dogs.’ We’re talking about that insensitive Slumdog Millionaire movie. The natives in India have even been riled enough to stage protests outside the homes of at least one of the film’s actors.

You don’t believe us? Well then, believe the Associated Press:

“Several dozen Mumbai slum residents protested the award-winning film “Slumdog Millionaire” on Thursday, calling the film’s title insulting. The protest came amid mounting excitement in India _ where the movie is set and home to many of its actors _ ahead of Academy Award nominations later Thursday…”I am poor, but don’t call me slumdog,” said Rekha Dhamji, 18, one of about two dozen slum residents who protested outside the home of one of the movie’s actors, Anil Kapoor. “I don’t want to be referred to as a dog,” she said. Other protesters held up banners reading “Poverty For Sale,” and “I am not a dog.” One of them carried a puppy.”

Funny they have such a problem being called dogs when once a year or so they make all their daughters marry one. It’s true – follow the link and see. The lesson learned there is that although dogs do make excellent, caring and attentive spouses, they are still socially several steps below the extremely poor.

This makes those marriages rather tough. Imagine for a second what it would be like to be married to something so wonderful, and yet be forbidden by law from looking it in the eye.

That’s not a life most are willing to lead. Not when you’re madly in love with a cocker spaniel the way we are and always have been since we first saw Foofy in a rich man’s backyard.

We’ll always have Alpo, Foofy, We’ll always have Alpo.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

There you have it, folks – the title of the new X-Files movie is The X-Files: I Want To Believe, possibly short for The X-Files: I Want To Believe That You’ll Watch My Stupid Movie.

No, we’re just kidding. But only about the last bit. The movie really is going to be called The X-Files: I Want To Believe. It was made official by the studio on Wednesday and now we’re all stuck with it.

Worst of all, though, The X-Files: I Want To Believe doesn’t even offer the slightest clue about what the story is about. It’s hardly Zack And Miri Make A Porno in terms of descriptive merit, is it? We’ve seen the trailer, so let’s just hope that Chris Carter sees sense, takes our advice and calls it The X-Files: Look! It’s Billy Connolly Running Around In The Snow Looking A Bit Worried! Gosh!

If it gets to Christmas and people are complaining about another box office slump, we already know why. It’s because all films coming out this year have got such shit titles that people will either be too embarrassed to ask cinema staff for them or have too much self respect to give the movies foolish abbreviations like an Australian would.

Seriously. Try saying this out loud: “Two tickets for Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull please.” Do you have any idea of how much of a twat you just sounded? Now try this: “Two tickets for A Quantum Of Solace please.” Urgh. You massive ponce. And don’t think you’ll fare any better if you go and see the new X-Files movie, either.

That’s because, as we may have already said, the new X-Files movie title is The X-Files: I Want To Believe. Which is rubbish. That’s not a title of a scary sci-fi movie – that’s a slogan for an inspirational poster of a little buck-toothed girl in pigtails going all moon-eyed at a rainbow.

But, although it’s about as wishy-washy as a movie title can get without actually being called I See Magic In The Sparkle Of A Child’s Smile, X-Files creator Chris Carter has stuck with it, and now he’s telling us why. E! Online reports:

“It’s a natural title,” Carter told the Associated Press. “It’s a story that involves the difficulties in mediating faith and science. ‘I want to believe.’ It really does suggest Mulder’s struggle with his faith.” Awkward though the title may seem to the casual viewer, the newly announced name should be instantly recognizable to fans of the long-running TV series. “I Want to Believe” was the slogan that graced the UFO poster that hung in the basement office of FBI special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Phew, thank heavens for that – it’s based on a poster slogan. Actually, we hear it was a toss-up between The X-Files: I Want To Believe and The X Files: I Haven’t Had My Coffee Yet, Don’t Make Me Kill You but the first one sounded more the title of an R Kelly song, so they went with that.

But anyway, back to the movie itself. Now that we know the name of the new X-Files movie, we’ve put it together with what we learnt from the X-Files movie trailer and the plot details that Chris Carter had previously let slip and we think we’ve scientifically deduced what the film’s actually going to be about.

It’s going to be about aliens and ginger women and boringness. Mainly boringness.

You can thanks us later.

Read more:

X-Files Believes in New Title - E! Online

Madonna – centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is – has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?

Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we've been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she'll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile's balls off.

What's that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we're completely wrong – Madonna's new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.

Even though she's older than time itself – which is possibly why she maintains that she knows Jesus – it's still a big thing when Madonna releases a new album. It's been like this for years – when Madonna released Ray Of Light everyone was excited about her return to the cutting edge. With American Life, everyone was excited about seeing Madonna dress up as a soldier and rhyme 'Mini Cooper' with 'Super duper'. With Confessions On A Dance Floor, everyone was excited to see Madonna strip down to a gruesome leotard and show off her vagin… no no no, that didn't happen at all.

And now it's time for Madonna to release a brand new album. It'll be her last album for Warner Brothers before she ticks over to her $120 million Live Nation contract, and it'll be the last album she releases before she turns 50. Madonna's facial skin already looks like it's been winched back to ripping point in preparation for the album, which means all that's left is for Madonna to give the sodding thing a name.

And that's what she's done – the new Madonna album will be called Hard Candy.

Hard Candy? But what could it mean? As we implied earlier, Hard Candy is also the name of a movie starring Ellen Page, so perhaps this is Madonna's attempt to do what Jay-Z did with American Gangster and release an album inspired by a movie. But since we can't see any songs on Hard Candy called I'll Slice Your Testicles Off or Hang Yourself, Paedophile Scum, we'll have to assume that this isn't true. 

Or perhaps Madonna has decided to embark on a tactic of naming albums after food that she has trouble eating in her advanced years, in which case we can expect her next album to either be called Crusty Baguette or Anything That Hasn't Been Mashed Into A Paste Beforehand. But, again, that looks unlikely. So here's Madonna's long-time spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg with the real explanation being Hard Candy's title:

"She loves candy. It’s about the juxtaposition of tough and sweetness, or as Madonna so eloquently expressed, 'I’m gonna kick your ass, but it’s going to make you feel good.'"

She loves candy, so she called the album Hard Candy. Worth noting that she didn't call the album Hard Guy Ritchie, which obviously means that she doesn't love her own husband but that's OK because the mental image that Hard Guy Ritchie has conjured up has already taken us to the very brink of suicide.

We can't help thinking that Madonna's really shot herself in the foot with Hard Candy – due for release in April and preceded by single Four Minutes next month – because when she takes it on the road she'll find that it's especially difficult to offend an entire religion with an album named after some confectionery. And who'll go and see a concert where Madonna doesn't enrage a deity? She's done for.

Read more:

New Madonna album called Hard Candy – Marie Claire 

The title of the new James Bond film has just been announced, and it's so bad we think we might cry.

Quantum Of Solace. There. The new James Bond movie will be called Quantum Of Solace. That's what the combined brainpower of an Oscar-winning writer, two veteran James Bond writers and a team of expert producers have come up with. Quantum Of Solace. Titting Quantum Of Solace. Christ.

Useless. Everyone knows that all James Bond movie titles should be based on a popular saying with the word 'Die' where the word 'Live' should be while containing at least one weak pun about vaginas, and this bugger doesn't even do any of that.

There's never been a perfect James Bond film. Any time that a James Bond movie gets close to being good it gets ruined by interminable scenes of card-playing or dodgy haircuts or – in the case of Die Another Day – a Madonna cameo and a soggy plot about space lasers and invisible cars and Halle Berry and bad computer animation and a director who dresses up as a woman and offers sex to policeman.

But usually they get the titles right before they balls it all up. Quantum Of Solace hasn't even managed to get that far. And that's the title of the new James Bond film – it's been officially announced and everything. BBC News reports:

The next James Bond film is to be called Quantum of Solace, producers have confirmed. The title is taken from one of a collection of short stories published by 007 creator Ian Fleming in 1960. At a press conference at the facility, reporters were shown a minute of footage from the new film, including Bond swinging on a rope after an explosion at an art gallery in Siena, Italy.  

OK, so the producers are obviously trying to stick to Ian Fleming's original vision of James Bond but – come on - Quantum Of Solace? That's crap. That's such a crap title that people are going to skip watching the film altogether because it'll mean they won't have to say "Two for Quantum Of Solace please," to a smirking student at the Odeon ticket booth.

Quantum Of Solace sounds like a rubbish art-house film made by a socially-inept Danish geek who was bullied a lot as a child because he wet the bed. Who wants to see that? Is it too late to change the title to People Who Die In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Minges? Because that one fits all the rules.

And it was all looking so good, too. Daniel Craig had put all the tooth-losing behind him to become a mostly-convincing James Bond, the director has a fine pedigree of work and the new Ukrainian Bond girl is bang into her bondage. And then they go and call it Quantum Of Solace. Idiots.

What were the other titles in the running? Quark Of Mitigation? Aggregate Of Benevolence? Allotment Of Cheer Up It Might Never Happen? Whatever, it doesn't matter. The new James Bond film will forever be Quantum Of Solace and there's nothing we can do about it.

Still, though, we wouldn't like to be the ones doing the new James Bond theme – what the shitting hell rhymes with 'solace'?

Read more:

New Bond film title is confirmed – BBC