Quantum Of Solace. There. The new James Bond movie will be called Quantum Of Solace. That's what the combined brainpower of an Oscar-winning writer, two veteran James Bond writers and a team of expert producers have come up with. Quantum Of Solace. Titting Quantum Of Solace. Christ.
Useless. Everyone knows that all James Bond movie titles should be based on a popular saying with the word 'Die' where the word 'Live' should be while containing at least one weak pun about vaginas, and this bugger doesn't even do any of that.
There's never been a perfect James Bond film. Any time that a James Bond movie gets close to being good it gets ruined by interminable scenes of card-playing or dodgy haircuts or – in the case of Die Another Day – a Madonna cameo and a soggy plot about space lasers and invisible cars and Halle Berry and bad computer animation and a director who dresses up as a woman and offers sex to policeman.
But usually they get the titles right before they balls it all up. Quantum Of Solace hasn't even managed to get that far. And that's the title of the new James Bond film – it's been officially announced and everything. BBC News reports:
The next James Bond film is to be called Quantum of Solace, producers have confirmed. The title is taken from one of a collection of short stories published by 007 creator Ian Fleming in 1960. At a press conference at the facility, reporters were shown a minute of footage from the new film, including Bond swinging on a rope after an explosion at an art gallery in Siena, Italy.
OK, so the producers are obviously trying to stick to Ian Fleming's original vision of James Bond but – come on – Quantum Of Solace? That's crap. That's such a crap title that people are going to skip watching the film altogether because it'll mean they won't have to say "Two for Quantum Of Solace please," to a smirking student at the Odeon ticket booth.
Quantum Of Solace sounds like a rubbish art-house film made by a socially-inept Danish geek who was bullied a lot as a child because he wet the bed. Who wants to see that? Is it too late to change the title to People Who Die In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Minges? Because that one fits all the rules.
And it was all looking so good, too. Daniel Craig had put all the tooth-losing behind him to become a mostly-convincing James Bond, the director has a fine pedigree of work and the new Ukrainian Bond girl is bang into her bondage. And then they go and call it Quantum Of Solace. Idiots.
What were the other titles in the running? Quark Of Mitigation? Aggregate Of Benevolence? Allotment Of Cheer Up It Might Never Happen? Whatever, it doesn't matter. The new James Bond film will forever be Quantum Of Solace and there's nothing we can do about it.
Still, though, we wouldn't like to be the ones doing the new James Bond theme – what the shitting hell rhymes with 'solace'?