Diversify or Die?

Folded

• Become a Spy! – Seriously…
• The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
• Hasselhoff Is Off - No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!
• Could Clarkson Get Sacked? – Regardless of your opinion about his comments on The One Show (shame on you for watching it, by the way), the idea that he could get sacked will come as good news to anyone who wants to see him presenting his own version of The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. What would it be called? Answers on a postcard…
• Abraham Lincoln – No, we’re not just really behind the times with this but those in the UK should have a look at this reappraisal of the man. It makes you question the very fabric of everything we know about America. Or does it? Seriously, watch it and find out for yourself you lazy sod.

Creased

• Star Wars Prequels – They could have been so much better.
• Tory Council – WE WILL NOT ASSOCIATE WITH EUROPE!
• RBS - Hang on, they owned a pub chain?!
• A Green Day Musical – Sure, we didn’t mind it existing but now it’s coming to the UK? This must not be allowed.
• The Passing of Gary Speed – Much as it isn’t our place to comment, the passing of a bona fide footballing legend is always something that will completely and utterly creased.

Hello. Are you a Westlife fan, troubled by the news that your Princes are going away to enjoy their moneyed-lives with their families and friends? Are you worried that there will suddenly be a void of mawkish, soaring ballads to sooth you while you self-harm in a bath of ice?

It’s bad news we’re afraid.

Westlife’s members have confirmed that the musical equivalent of an itchy jumper are unlikely to ‘do a Take That’ and get back together in a few years. Is it because Take That were always more relevant to pop music or is it because the Boyzone tribute market isn’t as lucrative as it once was? Who knows. Certainly not us.

There’s definitely no question of money. Especially not after Westlife announced that they will part next year after releasing a greatest hits compilation and going on a tour of Ireland & the UK (because no other countries care). Definitely nothing to do with grabbing a quick buck before they head of into the wilderness to await their call to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks ‘line-up’.

Kian (whoever that is) told someone or other that definitely wasn’t us:

“We walked away from a multi-million-pound record deal that would have changed our lives forever, secured our future beyond anything.”

Not that they’re skint, you understand. A career of covering other people’s hard work and standing from a stool when middle-aged women scream at you is both reminiscent of a Chippendale and surprisingly lucrative.

“It’s not about the money. We’d have made far more on a new record than we ever would with a comeback tour.”

Oh, good. It’s not about the money. They’ve decided they don’t want to put out a concept album. Presumably a concept album of them covering other people’s concept songs. We can’t confirm anything because they’re splitting up. Kian refused to address the issue of how much money they would make out of a greatest hits album and a farewell tour, having our hecklerspray reporter removed when he audaciously suggested that he was a money-obsessed hypocrite in a stained white suit.

Still they’ll make some money from their inevitable solo careers. Another Westlife member- apparently- Shane also told reporters that they will support each other when one decides to release an awful solo album, aiming to become the 21st Century’s Daniel O’Donnell.

“The first person to decide to do a solo record, the other three will all be there.

Wait… if they’re all there… would that not be another Westlife record?

“Everyone’s thought about going solo — I would love to continue singing for a living.”

At the moment though, Westlife are channelling all their efforts into the farewell tour, making sure that their stage show isn’t as boring as their music. Luckily, nothing was mentioned about ticket prices. It’s not about the money after all. It’s about the opportunity to say goodbye to their fans. Perhaps they’ll waves handkerchiefs… or £50 notes.

In case you gave half a hoot, Brian McFadden (the one whose name you know because he mounted Kerry Katona like a peroxide stallion) will not be joining them on stage. Apparently he has enough money. Somehow.

“We still sext him and stuff, but he’s not coming back.”

It’s a terrible time to be a Westlife fan. But then by the same token, we imagine it’s not been a great 13 years. Don’t worry though. They’ll be back in a few years. Bet your house on it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

As we’ve already made abundantly clear on this very day, no-one wants to see myriad bands reforming to remind us of why we thought they were a bit awful in the first place.We thought we’d just get that out of the way to start with.

Secondly, the answer to the question ‘Why do bands reform?’ is never ‘For the music, maaaaaaannnnn.’. It is, invariably, “for the money, maaaaaaannnnn.”

Whether we like it or not, the music industry is a big wheel that keeps on turning, spewing out derivative crap with every clicking cog. That’s not the problem, it really isn’t. There is still good music out there and even some of the launched faeces eventually breaks down into a diamond.

The real problem is that the music industry and the music press makes it very, very easy for bands to reform with the veiled intention of making shedloads of cash while claiming that they’re coming back to fill the void left by a move away from rock n’ roll to twink pop nonsense.

We meant to mention by the way, Pete Townshend of The Who doesn’t think he’s capable of writing hit songs any more. He also regrets ever joining the band in the first place because being ‘typecast’ as a member of The Who has stifled his solo career. The solo career he would never have had a hope of having without The Who. Townshend is so delusional and desperate to stay in the limelight that it comes as little surprise to hear that he and Roger Daltrey (of ‘once in an episode of CSI’ fame) are planning to re-release the classic Who album ‘Quadrophenia’.

Are they content with the millions of dollarpounds that the re-release will draw in? No! Of course they’re not!

They’re also planning to take the album on an over-priced stadium tour where tickets will cost £100, t-shirts will cost £25 and the audience will have to remortgage their homes in order to afford a pint of the stagnant urine which laughably passes for lager at stadium venues.

Yes, that’ll really recapture the old days, won’t it? Fans of The Who, we have nothing against you but don’t fall for all this diluted nonsense which is designed for one thing and one thing only; to get you to part with your cash. These old boys of rock have enough. Keep it in your pockets. Go and stand in a sweaty, packed little venue that you got into for free, drinking real alcohol that you paid £1.50 for and see if you can find a band that you really, really like.

Maybe give them £100. Maybe become their manager. Maybe make them the best damn rock outfit since The Who. It sure beats lining the coffins of the money-hungry reformers.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Like coffee shops and vintage clothing boutiques, UK festivals are cropping up all over the place. The modern day music lover is literally spoilt for choice in terms of who they want to see perform in a muddy field. While festivals such as Glastonbury, T in the Park and V offer a mixed bag of artists, more genre themed events have emerged that include rock at Download, indie at Reading & Leeds and electronic at Global Gathering.

Now in its tenth year, Global Gathering has always pushed the boundaries of innovation to make sure it tops the previous year with an ever expanding range of electronic genres are being for catered for.

Well known and underground artists from the world of dubstep, drum & bass and electro have been recruited to make sure that no-one attending is standing still for more than five seconds. If you missed out on tickets, fear not, we’ve got our grubby paws on a pair and we really want you to have them.

On Friday 29th July and Saturday 30th July, Global Gathering offers a selection of established artists, mixed up with new producers and musicians who’ve injected something new and exciting into electronic music. As a result, some notable headliners have been pulled in.

On Friday, legends of electronic music, Underworld take to the stage to perform tracks from their extensive back-catalogue that spans over twenty years. Elsewhere, Pendulum grace the main arena to make people jump up and down.

Saturday sees newcomers such as the ace Yasmin rub shoulders with DJ’s such as Carl Cox and Tinie Tempah.

So what do you have to do in order to join the thousands of ravers who’ll be dancing away at Long Marston Airfield in Stratford-Upon-Avon? Normally we’d ask an easy peasy question, but this time, we want you to get creative.

Fans of electronic music know that all sorts of sub-genres emerge all the time, so keeping in the spirit of genuine genre names such as witch house and chillwave, we want to know the following:

What would you call a brand new genre of music if a gun was pointed at your head?

We don’t care what it would sound like; just amuse us with your suggestions. The best name will win a pair of tickets to Global Gathering for absolutely nothing.

Enter by tweeting us over on @hecklerspray, scribbling on our Facebook wall or leaving us a comment on this here article. As per any competition, we have to let you know the following:

1) hecklerspray will provide you with a pair of tickets for Global Gathering. Transport and accommodation is up to you. We take no responsibility if you set up camp in a bog and drown. We will however, write an article mocking you.

2) Entries close on Wednesday 20th July at midnight. If we don’t forget, we’ll nag you for contact details the next day.

3) UK residents only, sorry it’s nothing personal. Except it is.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The great Reading Festival ticket rush is right around the corner, which is causing people of no discernible music taste to wet themselves with glee while the rest of us look on in astonishment that this festival manages to sell out year after year.

The Reading and Leeds festivals are one of those bizarre anomalies that perplex music fans the world over. How can a company put on a festival with weaker line-ups, higher ticket prices and more problems than we’re legally allowed to mention and yet continue to draw a huge demand for tickets?

The answer is obvious. Hipsters.

For many of our hipster brethren, Monday will go like this:

Wake up at about 10 and eat an ironic breakfast before donning a checked shirt, some skinny jeans, some bright Nike high tops and one of those Mongolian hat things like that Dappy fella from N-Dubz wears. Grab the lomo camera you picked up in Urban Outfitters, sling it in your unisex courier bag then grab your fixie bike with the unfathomably short handlebars and cycle dangerously towards your Shoreditch based media hub.

After several hours of posing, listening to some obscure band none of us will have heard of, blogging, not eating and drinking a lot of black coffee, head back home and anxiously wait for that magic moment when Reading tickets finally go on sale.

Your stomach is in knots, you HAVE to be there, not because of any of the bands that are on the line-up. Hell, they won’t have even announced the headliners before tickets sell out. No, you have to be seen there, it’s the place to be, the place that will ensure everyone looks at your instagram page and follows you on twitter, giving your pathetic existence some shallow sense of meaning.

Then comes the rush. The clock hits 0 and all hell breaks loose. The ticket sites crash almost instantaneously and you scramble through forums looking for the magical backdoor links that take you straight to the ticket purchase page. But what’s this?

All the forums have hidden the links behind password protected private forums. OH NO!

Looks like you’ll be resigned to sucking someone off behind Netto because they maybe, possibly, might be related to the neighbour of someone who used to be married to that bloke that works in Festival Republics PR department.

The rest of your night will be spent seething as those social networks you spend all day looking at (even though they’re like so totally mainstream and you only have an account because you were into it before everyone else) fills up with statuses from your friends and fellow bedroom DJs/Artists/Photographers/Social Media Experts (delete as appropriate) about how they managed to get tickets and it’ll be so totally LULZ.

Welcome to the death of music. Reading Festival is thy name.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The Glastonbury festival is outrageously overrated. Acre upon acre of tree-hugging hummus weavers hump the ground in the hope that they’re near a layline while pink-faced louts in Stone Roses t-shirts consume crates of Stella ’til they fill their tent with urine.

On top of these obviously good vibes, there’s the lakes of silage that surround the portable shit-pits and burgers so expensive that you could buy a small holding full of delicious cows instead. And there’s the obligatory cry of ‘bolllooooocks‘ that soundtracks your evening as the night draws in.

Of course, the music that Glastonbury has is the reason why people go and, year on year, revellers are treated to one of the most conservative billings on the circuit. That’s why utter dross like Coldplay and U2 are consistently linked with headlining slots. However, unbelievably, there might be an act who actually warrant a trip to the fields of litter – BEYONCE!

Glasto (we’ll say ‘Glasto’ so that the kind of soppy tart that goes to this horrific spectacle will understand what we’re talking about – don’t worry, we’ll say ‘Pilton Pop Festivals’ so nearby residents know what we’re on about, later) hasn’t had a truly exciting headliner outside of Jay-Z’s great top-billing performance. Away from that, we’ve witnessed Bruce Springsteen peddling his sweaty bollock rock to a sea of middle aged (or middle age-minded) chumps in linen trousers and gits in novelty hats.

So the rumour that Beyonce could be headlining is truly fantastic.

U2 are seemingly confirmed for the festival and Coldplay are a dead-cert to bring out their wheel-barrows of grinding, molasses stadium gunk, which leaves the Eavis family the conundrum of finding someone able to stir up interest in those people we like to call ‘music fans’.

Naturally, Beyonce transcends genres and is loved by people from every genre of the rock and pop world. She’s pretty much the queen of everything at the moment and she’d set the Pilton Pop Festival (toldyer) alight with her fistful of amazing tunes and a voice so powerful that she might actually kill the soundman on the desk half way up the field (meet you there, ‘kay?).

That said, we’ll probably get the news that REM or Mike And The Mechanics is going to get the gig instead. That’s because Glastonbury is the worst (and biggest and most successful, we get it – a million flies ’round horseshit can’t be wrong, can they?) festival out there.

Enjoy sitting in the healing fields with your £10 bag of weed. It’s the package holiday to the hippie dream!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! CAN’T BREATHE! CAN’T BREATHE! AAAARGH! SCREEEEAM! AAAAARGH! AAAAAARGH! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! AAAAARGH!

That’s right you howling British Bieberphiles! Your favourite little amniotic popstar is coming to tour the UK!

After selling out shows all over Americaland, he’s now turning his attention to Europe and in the UK, such is the excitement over his impending arrival, the streets will be covered in a thick sludge thanks to the arousal of millions of young women*.

Yes indeed, the cult of Bieber will be rolling into the UK to perform his songs and reduce this noble collection of countries to the sound of a train braking hard on the rails.

Constantly.

With increasing volume.

His arrival will see the whole of the UK turning into something akin to Dawn of the Dead meets Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, will our younglings flinging off the shackles of normal life to spend every waking second of Bieber’s tour in a state of zombified lust, charging headlong into crowds of other screaming, dead-eyed children all setting upon cars and clawing at the windows, just in case Bieber might be hidden inside.

Bielievers, you probably know this, but tickets go on sale on Friday. Start being really, really nice to your parents. For the rest of you, watch this video as a warning of what the whole of the UK will look like when Bieber arrives on these shores.

It’s going to be hell – unless you sell earplugs and suicide kits.

*apologies for that image

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Boo-hoo. There’s going to be some hippie tears today as news has got out about the cancellation of Glastonbury festival 2012.

And why has it been cancelled? Have the organisers realised that it might be a bit rich to promote environmentally aware messages while being responsible for some insane pollution from the sheer amount of cars that travel to the event, not to mention the stars landing by helicopter AND the huge amount of electricity used on the million stages, falafel stands, bead shops and burger vans blasting out ropey dubstep 24 hours a day?

Nope. It’s because people who go to Glastonbury shit way too much.

You heard. Michael Eavis has been forced to cancel Glastonbury 2012 because of a shortage of Portaloos and the fact that the police are needed for London’s Olympic games.

Apparently, Eavis won’t be able to get toilets from anywhere because they’re all needed at the Olympic games. That means the festival organisers are telling us that the sporting event will be using all the toilets in the whole world. They’d get them from elsewhere in Europe but y’know, The Olympics has hired every last one of them. In fairness, it’s the first good thing the Olympics has done for the country thus far.

The notoriously peace-loving festival would have you believe that the crowd that attends the Pilton Pop Festival is founded on good-vibrations and that there’s a different mindset compared to other events. It’s special, right? However, the amount of police required to make sure these peaceniks don’t turn on each other like stray dogs fighting to the death in an alleyway is, of course, another matter entirely.

Our police force will be thrilled no doubt to not have to spend a weekend wading through human silage and detritus, instead, doing their rounds in a city where there are shops that don’t necessarily sell cheap amethyst rings, sunglasses with hologram hemp leaves on the lenses and preposterous novelty hats.

They will, sadly, have to walk around London though. Swings and roundabouts.

Michael Eavis decided to give some seriously flowery prose to explain the cancellation of the festival, to reward die-hard fans:

“There will be severe shortages, so we’ve decided to cancel.”

Presumably, all the other festivals on the circuit will still go-ahead because they won’t let a little thing like an Olympics get in the way of sharing some of the most boring rock bands in history with a drunk, stinking crowd up to their knees in other people’s urine.

Still, the 2011 event has sold out, telling us that there’s still folk daft enough to wish a weekend of hellish smuggery on themselves. It’s up to you whether you think we’re referring to the revellers sense of self worth or the inevitable inclusion of U2 in a headline slot.

Meet you by the mixing desk.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

It seems apt that jewel encrusted charity muggers, U2 look likely to be headlining the Glastonbury festival this year. Both of these corporations really care about the Earth and poverty, maaaan… despite creating a city’s worth of pollution and showing ghastly displays of wealth every time they roll into town.

Of course, U2 are being coy about it all, as are the Glastonbury organisers. With the latter, we go through this song and dance every year, where they tease everyone with rumours and shrugs about who might play at the festival, before unveiling a staggeringly conservative line-up.

U2 are telling fans to keep an eye out, with manager Paul McGuinness, saying: “We’re certainly excited about our plans for next year. Watch this space!” The band are also advising fans to buy tickets to Glastonbury 2011, despite the fact they have already sold out.

Earlier this year, U2 were forced to cancel their Glastonbury headline slot after Bono suffered a serious back injury (presumably from trying to carry the weight of the world’s problems) during rehearsals.

The band said that they were “heartbroken” at not being able to play The Most Overrated Music Event In The World, while Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis furrowed his little upside down face and mewed that the band could come back any time they liked.

That looks like it’s going to be this year. If you’ve got a ticket, lucky you.

A post on U2.com reads:

“Looking at the tour dates – there is a gap in the band’s schedule ahead of the East Lansing show on June 26th, which would make the Friday night a possibility.”

If you’re wondering where that is, it’s in Michigan in The States, which means that, should U2 make the gig, they’ll probably use enough fuel to choke a million penguins to death with their evil, black plume of travel emissions.

It’s okay though. U2 tell people to join Amnesty International in their sleeve notes, so that’s cancelled that out then.

Michael Eavis spoke to the Guardian:

“Nothing’s fully confirmed yet. We’re obviously planning all sorts of things. The three headliners will be incredibly impressive – absolutely fantastic – I can guarantee that. It’ll be on a par with this year, and possibly slightly better.”

Glastonbury takes place in Pilton on 22-26 June 2011, so start tearing your ears off now, just to be on the safe side. If anyone asks why, tell them it’s more about the experience, maaan.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Glastonbury or, if you’re a simpering, lisping idiot – ‘Glasto’ – is a festival of suffering. It truly is a place where all the world’s denied misery congregates to wave badly made flags at worthy bands playing woefully crafted songs.

Yep, the annual hugfest for pie-eyed do-gooders rolls around each year, leaving everyone imagining a unique spirit and putting on their best concerned faces when walking by the charity stalls while eating battery cow burgers and pretending to give two shits about Summer Solstice.

That’s if you get there in the first place because, as those who want to go but can’t, they’re shaking their fists angrily at the sky thanks to Glastonbury’s ’90s ticketing system which has left literally hundreds of thousands of chumps without a ticket as the 2011 show sold out just over four hours.

The tickets, which were being sold through Seetickets (which means that Glastonbury organisers went for a company that’s probably as awful as Ticketmaster, but don’t get nearly as much bad publicity, so they don’t have to worry about people calling them ‘corporate bastards’, despite the fact the hugely successful Eavis cattle family clearly are), all got gobbled up by baby-boomers and their horrid spawn by the time the clock turned 1.15pm.

In a statement on the site and their official Twitter account, Michael and Emily Eavis thanked punters for their patience with the booking system.

They said:

“We’re very sorry to those of you who didn’t get tickets, and acknowledge there were some issues with the website/phoneline due to the sheer volume of people trying to get through.”

Nice of them to say sorry we guess, but where they get off charging £195 per ticket is another matter, when basically, Glastonbury offers nothing over the other festivals on the circuit. Nothing.

Seriously. If you want to spend a weekend feeling dismal in a field full of bad henna tattoos, blokes with dogs on strings and stag-dos trying to fend off an overdose in a tent, all soundtracked by some NME approved schmindie band who are the clarion call for why rock is so very obviously dead, then you can do it for much cheaper elsewhere.

You can try and register today in the hope of snaffling some cancelled tickets today in the resales, but really, you’re better advised to simply stick your head in a metal bin while people shout “BOOLLLLOOOOCCKS!” around you with someone playing Brandon Flowers new album really quietly through the speaker on their phone. Then piss yourself.

Founder Michael Eavis has previously said that he will announce the three confirmed Glastonbury headliners once all tickets have sold out.

This year’s Glastonbury festival headliners are definitely going to be – No-one cares apart from snivelling fucks like Edith Bowman.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

You’d think we’d be bored of Miley Cyrus coverage by now.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack - the only Big Brother series that proves SAS interrogation tactics don't even work on pasty-faced teenage girls – is still rattling away on E4.

And we're giving you and a guest the very special chance to be at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijacks finale.

Taking place on Monday January 28, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale will be the best place to experience the emotion, the drama and the slightly rubbishy homemade banners that accompanies all Big Brother finales. And you could be there. Yes, you.

We have two sets of tickets to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale to give away to you, so long as you're over 18, reside in the UK, able to find your own travel and accommodation and have a friend that you can take along with you.

To enter the competition, just answer this simple question:

Who won Big Brother 4?

Send your answers – along with a mobile number you can be contacted on if you win – to hello[AT]hecklerspray.com and  we'll pick two winning entries by Jan 23. Good luck!