The Glastonbury festival is outrageously overrated. Acre upon acre of tree-hugging hummus weavers hump the ground in the hope that they’re near a layline while pink-faced louts in Stone Roses t-shirts consume crates of Stella ’til they fill their tent with urine.
On top of these obviously good vibes, there’s the lakes of silage that surround the portable shit-pits and burgers so expensive that you could buy a small holding full of delicious cows instead. And there’s the obligatory cry of ‘bolllooooocks‘ that soundtracks your evening as the night draws in.
Of course, the music that Glastonbury has is the reason why people go and, year on year, revellers are treated to one of the most conservative billings on the circuit. That’s why utter dross like Coldplay and U2 are consistently linked with headlining slots. However, unbelievably, there might be an act who actually warrant a trip to the fields of litter – BEYONCE!
Glasto (we’ll say ‘Glasto’ so that the kind of soppy tart that goes to this horrific spectacle will understand what we’re talking about – don’t worry, we’ll say ‘Pilton Pop Festivals’ so nearby residents know what we’re on about, later) hasn’t had a truly exciting headliner outside of Jay-Z’s great top-billing performance. Away from that, we’ve witnessed Bruce Springsteen peddling his sweaty bollock rock to a sea of middle aged (or middle age-minded) chumps in linen trousers and gits in novelty hats.
So the rumour that Beyonce could be headlining is truly fantastic.
U2 are seemingly confirmed for the festival and Coldplay are a dead-cert to bring out their wheel-barrows of grinding, molasses stadium gunk, which leaves the Eavis family the conundrum of finding someone able to stir up interest in those people we like to call ‘music fans’.
Naturally, Beyonce transcends genres and is loved by people from every genre of the rock and pop world. She’s pretty much the queen of everything at the moment and she’d set the Pilton Pop Festival (toldyer) alight with her fistful of amazing tunes and a voice so powerful that she might actually kill the soundman on the desk half way up the field (meet you there, ‘kay?).
That said, we’ll probably get the news that REM or Mike And The Mechanics is going to get the gig instead. That’s because Glastonbury is the worst (and biggest and most successful, we get it – a million flies ’round horseshit can’t be wrong, can they?) festival out there.
Enjoy sitting in the healing fields with your ?10 bag of weed. It’s the package holiday to the hippie dream!
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