Charlie Sheen keeps saying the word ‘winning’. Sadly for him, he isn’t and the word has now lost all meaning. He’s no longer a particular figure of fun, but rather, a sad man self-harming in public.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t berate him for no good reason. It’s not our fault he’s sick in the brains.

Mercifully for Sheen, public hostility has been at a minimum as he faced make-up wearing blouses at the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos where the god-fearing lamos showed the world that they throw like baby girls.

Sheen found that the Juggalos lived up to their make-up wearing lifestyle by gently lobbing things at the stage while he spoke. Charlie – a man who has the reaction time of a turning snail – managed to avoid every single missile thrown at him from the wimps in the throng.

And so, the Juggs resorted to simple booing. You can’t mess that up, right?

Wrong. See, Juggalos are so rubbish at booing that it can be misconstrued as a positive response. Sheen’s representative said:

“Charlie did not get booed off of the stage. The Juggalos were chanting ‘whoop- whoop,’ which is a show of love. Charlie Sheen did well in front of the Juggalos.”

“It was a huge response. He was tremendously received.”

They then added:

“There is no greater compliment to have garbage thrown at an artist. The crowd didn’t want him to leave.”

So next time you see your favourite celebrity, be sure to tip a trash can over their head. They’ll know that it means you love them, okay?

Anyway, here’s a video of thousands of Juggalos throwing things so badly that they may as well go and sit in a darkened room and try and work out the mystery of magnets.

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Angelina Jolie loves knives, this much we know – the woman literally eats, drinks and wipes her bottom with a knife in her hand.

Angelina Jolie loves knives so much that she picks her movies by blindly throwing a knife at a random pile of scripts. What’s more, we hear that Angelina’s adoption process involves a fierce knife-off in an orphanage, with the last child standing being chosen has her new baby.

Or, in possibly more accurate news, Angelina Jolie allegedly flings knives at walls during fights, and Brad Pitt has bought her some anger management classes because he’s so terrified.

It’s no secret that Angelina Jolie wants to change the world. Whether she does that by raising awareness of poverty-stricken corners of the planet or by just making sure it has more crappy action films about tattooed women blowing stuff up is by the by – just so long as she changes it.

But if you ask us, Angelina Jolie’s putting too much effort in. She already changes the world on a day-to-day basis, mainly by reportedly leaving dirty great knife-gashes in all the walls she comes across, but that still counts.

Angelina Jolie’s fascination with knives is so compulsive that she recently gave her six-year-old son a knife, which does make a twisted degree of sense. After all, an Xbox is cool, but can you rob old ladies for their savings with one? No you can’t. And don’t even think about accidentally stabbing your friend in the kidney with an Xbox – it’s almost freakishly impossible.

However, it’s been reported that Angelina Jolie also likes to use knives for other purposes, too – such as allegedly hurling them at walls in a blind temper whenever she has an argument with Brad Pitt. And it’s also been reported that Brad Pitt is so scared that a stray knife will cause harm to one of their children or – worse still – his lovely moustache that he’s bought Angelina Jolie some anger management tapes to help her cope. China Daily reports:

A source said: “Angelina has quite a temper on her and she has been known to throw a few knives around when she is angry. Angelina learnt how to throw knives for the ‘Tomb Raider’ movies. She is a practiced knife-thrower so it’s a hobby and cathartic. Brad is terrified Angelina will one day hit him with a knife, and cause him a serious injury or worse. That’s why he bought her these Streaming Furies classes.”

It’s thought that these anger management classes will help Angelina Jolie wean herself off knife-throwing over the course of several months by slowly teaching her other types of cutlery-based catharsis. Now, for instance, Angelina Jolie apparently throws knives into walls, but soon she’ll learn to stab pieces of furniture with forks and then to pound the floor with a ladle before finally being able to work out her anger by wiping the back of a teaspoon down some curtains. It sounds wonderful.

And it won’t be the end of the world if Angelina Jolie can no longer throw knifes about at home when she’s angry, because she’s a powerful actress and can demand that scenes involving knives are written into each of her films to make do, as she recently did with the deleted scene from Changeling where, frustrated that the LAPD aren’t taking her story seriously, her character stabs a detective through the skull with a machete, before slashing the throats of four officers with one movement and ends up standing on top of a pile of mutilated policemen, roaring and swatting away helicopters with a disemboweled leg. True story.

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You know that video of Akon angrily picking up a teenage boy and throwing him into a screaming crowd of people during a show? Yeah, Akon says he didn't do it.

Yesterday Akon appeared at a courtroom in Fishkill, New York to enter a not guilty plea to charges of endangering a minor and second-degree harassment stemming from the summer's fan-chucking incident. Pleading not guilty is a brave move for Akon because a) he was filmed doing the thing he's pleaded not guilty to and b) if he's convicted, Akon could end up spending over a year in jail. A year without Akon's blend of slightly derivative squeaky-voiced R&B music? Why, surely that's a punishment for us all.

Akon, then – genius or dickhead?

It's a tricky question, actually, because Akon is the man who invented the "woo-hoo, yee-hoo" hook for that Gwen Stefani song that you weren't able to shift from your mind for four months this year. So for that reason Akon is a genius. However, it's slightly outweighed by the 'dickhead' argument, since that includes everything else that Akon has ever done in all of his life.

Let's not forget that Akon isn't just the man who frenziedly dry-humped a 14-year-old girl in the middle of a concert once – or even the man who picked up a boy during a concert in upstate New York and threw him on top of a screaming girl's head – but he's the man who then goes and pleads not guilty to doing it. 

After he was charged with endangering a minor and second-degree harassment last week, Akon yesterday appeared in a Fishkill courtroom to enter a not guilty plea even though there's a freely-available video of Akon's fan-fling on the internet for everyone to see.

As a result of the not guilty plea, Akon was released with no bail and ordered to return to court on January 16, where he faces a maximum sentence one one year and 15 days in jail if he's convicted. Not that we're making suggestions or anything, but Akon and his legal team should probably use that time to get his story in order.

That's because Akon claims that the boy-throwing was a staged introduction to his next song – something that doesn't explain why the parents of the boy who Akon threw contacted the police, or why the girl whose head the boy landed on is suing Akon – while Akon's lawyers Benjamin Brafman and Andrea Zellan say it was all just a big misunderstanding:

"It was never Akon's intent to violate the law. This unfortunate incident was a spontaneous reaction during a live concert that Akon deeply regrets. We are confident that this matter will ultimately be resolved in a manner that does not in any way interfere with Akon's successful career."

That's probably a statement that'll come back to haunt Akon and his lawyers in the future, because we'd argue that spending a year in jail wouldn't interfere with Akon's career at all, since to our knowledge he's borderline obsessed with basing all of his music videos in jails anyway.

In fact, if Akon manages to write and record a new album by January, he'll just be able to mouth the words to his new songs into a jail CCTV camera and nobody will notice any difference. Except that Akon will be crying and covered in all sorts of cigarette burns across his face when he does it. Plus the jittery arsonist staring at him while urinating down himself and playing with a razorblade might put him off slightly, but that can probably be edited away.

Read more:

Akon Not Copping To Fan Tossing – E! Online