Due to the rapidly expanding world we live in, there are occasions when we have to get our heads round so called “exciting” terms that are cooked up by balding PR men in their fifties. We’re all enduring the stranglehold of social media which is basically a tool for people to show off an impressive number of virtual friends who they rarely ever speak to in the real world.

Now we’re plagued by flash mobs. These are surprise events that are created by hilarious individuals who think it’s amusing to perform stupid activities whilst you go around your day to day business.

Doing star jumps on a busy train during the home commute? LOL! That won’t irritate anyone to the point of violence! As you’ll probably agree, dances and other strange acts are rapidly approaching a saturation point of dire inanity. How about spicing things up by causing an organised panic? On paper it seems like a good idea, but in true British tradition, it turns into a shambles.

Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, people can access pointless pieces of information. Such as how many bricks make up their house and what uses you can get out of bellybutton fluff. However, it stops short of explaining how Lee Ryan continues to get work. One horror fan in Leicester called James Dixon decided to ask his local council the following:

“Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for. Please provide any information you may have.”

Instead of printing out the email in order to screw it up and throw it in the bin, information governor (that’s a thing, apparently) Lynn Wyeth responded by saying:

“We’ve had a few wacky ones before but this one did make us laugh. To you it might seem frivolous and a waste of time. But to different people it actually means something, everybody has their own interests and their own reasons for asking these questions.”

But after a response was gain, James Dixon realised that no measures were in place against any sort of zombie attack. Could this be down to budget cuts by the government? Or was it a more logical reason, being that just like the tooth fairy, werewolves and polite Scousers, there are no such things as zombies? Realising that terror and suffering could be inflicted on a city more famous for its crisp production than it is for being the epicentre of a zombie apocalypse, a pesky flashmob was organised to show Leicester officials what could happen if a load of corpses ever rose from their eternal slumber and all marched on a McDonalds. 150-250 people took part in a “zombie march” which was about as terrifying as a loaf of bread slowly going mouldy. Prepare to skid yourself:

Suffice to say, the makeup and clothing by some participants didn’t do much to make council officials drop any proposed budget for a new orphanage and invest in zombie blasting guns. We assume that people taking part experienced that emotion we’ve heard of called “fun”, so fair play to them. If they’d attempted the stunt in yankee doodle America land, the local police would have tasered anyone taking part until a hot and smoky BBQ smell emitted from the zombies.

Let’s be honest though, if they’d all broken in to an appalling rendition of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, we’d hate this a lot more.

Britain’s had a rum old time when it comes to fictional alien invasions. They started early, with steampunk martians getting all up in our Victorian grills before idiotically sneezing themselves to their constituent pieces in War Of The Worlds.

We had a bit of respite in the ’50s as the fashion in the alien travel supplements was to take in the fabulous corn-filled vistas of mid-west America, do some light abducting, maybe probe a farmhand anus or two.

But then that Doctor fellow with the ever-changing, always-irritating face and voice and body and talking popped onto Saturday teatimes and suddenly Britain can’t move for psychopathic pepper grinders and shaggable supermodel siren doctorbots.

But what if the space-nasties happened upon the gritty urban underbelly of South London? When the monsters attack, who would you really want on humanity’s side; a clay-faced bowtied fop, stuffing 100 words into the time taken by 10, flailing his arms and legs around like a Thom Yorke marionette, or a gang of estate yoofs patrolling their block, never further than a text away from being seriously tooled up?

The answer, as explored in “Adam and” Joe Cornish’s enjoyable debut film Attack The Block, is most definitely and utterly the second one. Even if, in the case of nurse Sam, played with admirable swearing bile by Jodie Whittaker, the alien invasion interrupted them giving you a good solid urban mugging.

The potential saviours of the block are a gang of masked reprobates, led by blank-faced anti-hero Moses (John Boyega). It was a risky move by Cornish to introduce his main characters by having them robbing a lone woman, five against one, then spend the rest of the film expressing scant remorse, stealing police vans and pounding every alien intruder in sight. But then Attack The Block isn’t a gritty social commentary; in fact, the attempts to engineer empathy with the gang give the film its few bum notes. They’re little shits you’d tremble to be stuck on a night bus with, but in the end, if it’s them or the loping mess of hairy limbs and florescent teeth falling out of the sky and ripping people’s throats out, you’re going to side with the awful youth.

Where the film really excels is as a satisfying slice of horror adventure. The aliens themselves are subtly realised, menacing without being CGIsores, and Cornish proves his directing chops with some really suspenseful moments – ever thought about using smoke-creating fireworks as a weapon in a gloomy tower block corridor? After watching this, you’ll think twice now, you lunatic.

And there are a couple of laughs as well; the kids, all fantastically portrayed by unknowns, raise a few smiles with their mocking of each other’s gangster stylings and their processing of the alien threat through popular culture (“They’re like Gangs Of War shit!” “It’s raining Gollums!”) Luke Treadaway’s deck-shoed posh-boy stoner gets caught up in the block’s defence, and his attempts to get down with the kids will bring a familiar shameful shudder to anyone who’s ever tried to casually drop an “innit” in a conversation with incredulous 16-year-old.

And Nick Frost turns up briefly and does his amiable Nick Frost schtick as the block’s resident weed supplier. But despite his presence, and Edgar Wright being an executive producer, those expecting the next Shaun Of The Dead will be disappointed – this is not a chock full of belly-laughs film, it’s a running around with a baseball bat being chased by a load of screaming “bear wolf motherfuckers” film. And that’s no bad thing.

So a solidly entertaining first effort from Joe Cornish, even if it’s not what the most ardent Adam and Joe nutjobs will be expecting (though let’s face it, they wouldn’t be happy unless it was a full-length shot-for-shot stuffed-toy remake of The Phantom Menace). Maybe with a little less trying to make us cry rivers of tears for the poor deprived kids, and a little more letting them just be gits who saved the world, it could’ve been almost perfect. But still, an alien incursion with not a bastard bowtie or twattish tweed jacket in sight. Let’s just be thankful for that.

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Death has been good to Michael Jackson, his songs got back in the charts, he had a film out, everyone seemed to miraculously forget about all of the kiddy fiddling allegations, none of us had to look at that weird face of his anymore and he’s even got a new game coming out called Michael Jackson: The Experience!

The new game casts the player as the gloved one and utilises Microsoft’s over-hyped and underwhelming Kinect technology. A camera records the players movements and has der fuhrer von popmusik act them out in real time while a microphone allows the player to sing along and believe that they are, for that moment, Michael Jackson, except without their face melting off, more drugs in their system than every 80s metal band combined, vast collections of Nazi memorabilia and numerous allegations of child molestation (although we can easily imagine that a few people who purchase this game will fit all of these criteria).

The game promises that players will be able to learn the same choreography as MJ and his dancers and be able to sing many of the songs from his back catalogue but fails to mention whether Michael’s appearance will change slowly as the game goes on in some sort of freaky story mode that sees you lose parts of your face in hardcore back-street dance battles.

Seeing as the game is built to make the most of the motion tracking Kinect software, one has to wonder what would happen if a child stepped in front of the camera, especially as in demonstrations of the Kinect hardware (when it was still known as Project Natal) Hecklerspray staff noticed that it took pictures of participants as they were playing, which were then stored and displayed later. Does that not seem slightly sinister to anyone else when it’s being combined with a party game that uses bright colours and has the Wacko Jacko moniker on the box?

The game’s bound to be a hit; it’s a safe formula that, once again, fails to deliver the magical gaming breakthrough that Kinect is supposed to offer. The songs are popular and the catalogue is huge so downloadable content can be a good revenue source and since his death Jackson has been held on some sort of pedestal that ensures he can do no wrong.

However, this game clearly won’t be suitable for anyone under 5.

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What could an acquitted paedophile and alleged Nazi fetishist like Michael Jackson and PopCap games, the producer of many bland and unoriginal flash-based casual games that people gain a Warcraft-like addiction to, possibly have in common?

Aside from the obvious evils on both fronts the answer is Plants vs. Zombies. Plants vs. Zombies is a tower defence style game in which the player assumes the role of a homeowner who uses plants to deter zombies from stealing his house/eating his brain/doing whatever the hell it is zombies actually do. Thrilling, I know.

The reason Wacko Jacko has been linked to the game is because PopCap have decided to remove a zombie from the game who looked suspiciously like the late loony in his Thriller get up. PopCap have stated this decision was due to the fact that Jacko’s estate had objected to the inclusion of the character in the game, more than a year after the character first surfaced.

Another theory is that maybe it just isn’t right to have Michael Jackson anywhere near children in any way, shape or form, which includes digital representations, drawings or vinyl LPs.

The, ‘dancing zombie,’ which slowly dances its way across the screen, with its melting face and evil intentions was quite an eerily chilling likeness of Der Fuhrer von Popmusik and maybe that is what the creature from the black lagoon’s estate has objected to. PopCap themselves did state that the objection was because the character, “too closely resembled Michael Jackson.”

Thankfully there have been no reports of iPhones, iPads or desktops attacking children or barking out anti-semitic propaganda at any point during Herr Jackson’s time in Plants vs. Zombies.

However there are unconfirmed reports that Dancing Zombie would like to begin invading other PopCap titles such as Peggle and Bejewelled in order to create a new ‘master game’.

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To the untrained eye, you might think that every article on here is written after a long night of drinking. That simply isn’t true.

Every single word here goes through a tedious process. First a monkey punches a typewriter, then the results are passed to a child for English practice, then a gormless writer edits it.

Michael Jackson possibly went through the same routine when releasing his albums. With a crotch touch here and a flaming hairdo there, everything was tuned to a fine key. But recent tapes featuring the singer in conversation supposedly suggest he hated the original recordings of Thriller. So much so that he wanted to pig out on ice-cream. Maybe.

Even though he’s dead and buried with a silver glove still strapped to his arm, the supposed legend that is Michael Jackson still lives on. If you are a genuine music lover who appreciates top class quality music, you will quite likely be appalled at the sight of bloody Wacko Jacko clogging up the charts. Unlike a blocked drain, we can’t chuck some chemicals down to make the problem go away. Instead, we have to wait for the public to grow a morsel of intelligence.

But just like 2Pac, something amazing is coming from Michael Jackson. That’s right; he’s releasing a brand spanking new song. Sorry, he’s releasing a brand spanking new song that was recorded years ago but everyone thought was shit at the time. But now that worms are pecking away at his body, it’s about time to release it and make some money. If you stop and listen closely, you’ll hear Joe Jackson rubbing his hands with glee.

But the career of Michael Jackson may not have been the success it was. Oh lordy, at one point the deluded man of pop threatened to pull the plug on the whole recording sessions of Thriller. You know, the album which always gets played at weddings, Halloween, New Year’s Eve and other occasions where people think they can sing and dance to it when drunk. According to the News of the World, there’s a tape where Michael says:

“Thriller sounded so crap. The mixes sucked. When we listened to the whole album, there were tears… I just cried like a baby. I stormed out of the room and said we’re not releasing this. Call [record company] CBS and tell them they are NOT getting this album. We are NOT releasing this.”

Hold us tight and make us a sandwich! What happened next? Did daddy beat him around a bit to make see sense? Or did the record company threaten to lock him in a room and let sister Janet Jackson sing the album to him? Oddly, this wasn’t the case. He got inspired. Again, the News of the World reports:

“Michael revealed how he left the studio – West Lake in Los Angeles – and spent some time alone, watching children in a schoolyard.”

When we’re down and feeling generally rubbish, we’ll either go see our mates for a few beers, put on a good film or play snakes and ladders. It might be an American thing to do, but watching kids play in schools? Hmm, that sounds a little bit dodgy to us.

Still, it was a good decision for Michael to perve over kids playing on the swings. He decided to release Thriller and it sold millions. Quite a good thing too, as it more than likely covered his legal fees for, well, you know.

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Readers, have you sued Michael Jackson lately? What? You haven’t? Then you’re just about the only one.

Everyone else on the planet has sued Michael Jackson, you know. Everyone – vets, lawyers, fiery sheikhs, staff – and now John Landis. John Landis is suing Michael Jackson over claims that he hasn’t received any royalties from the Thriller video in four years.

The lawsuit could put the skids on Michael Jackson’s plan for a new Thriller musical. Which wouldn’t be too bad, because ‘acquitted child molester Michael Jackson’ is so much easier to say than ‘successful musical theatre impresario Michael Jackson’, isn’t it?

Michael Jackson just can’t catch a break these days, can he? Whatever he tries to do – like release a charity single or record an album of duets with a deceased pontiff or, you know, playing a game of ‘hey kids, guess what I’ve got in my pocket’ or whatever – it always ends up getting trampled on.

It was true when Michael Jackson allegedly tried to make off with that sheikh’s money, and it’s true now that Michael Jackson is putting together plans for a new musical based on songs from Thriller.

Poor Michael Jackson, the Thriller musical was going to be an uphill struggle as it was – the plan was to base the entire musical around John Landis’ spookily iconic Thriller video, so the only feasible way to shoehorn a song like The Girl Is Mine into it would be to have it performed by two zombies arguing over a disemboweled secretary – but now it’s been thrown into further chaos. John Landis, you see, has decided to sue Michael Jackson for unpaid royalties. Variety reports:

“After a spectacular theatrical premiere, the ‘Thriller’ video became a worldwide megahit and an iconic pop culture phenomenon that has continued to generate profits for defendants Optimum Prods. and Michael Jackson, who have wrongfully refused to pay or account for such profits to plaintiff”. The action accuses Jackson of “fraudulent, malicious and oppressive conduct” in failing to pay Landis 50% of the net proceeds.

It’s always sad when two old friends fall out like this, especially when they have so much in common. As well as piecing the Thriller video together, both John Landis and Michael Jackson have jointly declined in creativity so dramatically that their best days are now two solid decades behind them. And neither of them can remember what their own chin looks like. Commonalities like these bond men together.

But at least we know what the deal is here. As with every other lawsuit he’s faced, we’re fairly certain that Michael Jackson will ignore John Landis until the last minute before coming to an eleventh-hour settlement on the steps of the court. And once that’s over, Michael Jackson can get on with what he’s good at – being sued by the few individuals who haven’t got round to doing so yet.

At the last count, those individuals included an injured mountain lion, a yogurt pot and nobody else.

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Poor Michael Jackson – creatively spent, reportedly too ill to perform, lacking the qualifications necessary to become a kindergarten teacher.

The man is just running out of options. Apart from one – it’s been reported that Michael Jackson is putting together a big-budget Mamma Mia-style musical based on his album Thriller. The Thriller musical is thought to be based on the video to the album’s eponymous single, featuring legions of grotesque undead cadavers who terrify you witless the second you glance at them.

Goodness, we didn’t know that Michael Jackson was going to be starring in it as well.

Mamma Mia has a lot to answer for, doesn’t it? Simply by plopping a load of Abba songs together around a painfully contrived storyline and presenting it in a way that appeals to both hen-parties and people who like things that aren’t good, Mamma Mia has become a global sensation and, more importantly, inspired other acts to copy the formula.

So far there have been musicals based on the songs of Madness, Queen, Take That, The Proclaimers and – hopefully in the very near future – the album The Moment by Kenny G. But there’s one artist with a catalogue that’s crying out to be turned into a musical. And that artist is Michael Jackson.

We’re not saying that because we think that Michael Jackson’s songs would make for a good musical, mind you – we’re just saying that the poor chap probably needs the cash at the moment. In recent months Michael Jackson has been forced to sell his home, become the target of a lawsuit from the world’s angriest sheikh and has reportedly developed lungs the size of peanuts that could do him in at any minute.

So this news couldn’t have come at a better time – apparently Michael Jackson is putting together a stage musical based on his album Thriller.

Now, the more eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that there’s already a London musical based on the music of Thriller, but it hasn’t been sanctioned by Michael himself. This new musical will be completely official and creatively masterminded by Michael Jackson, so it’ll probably feature an extended mid-section where the audience is forced to stand up and salute a big picture of Michael Jackson nailed to a cross like Jesus and crying tears that spell the words ‘Love me’ in a puddle underneath him. Anyway, BBC News reports:

[Producer] Mr Nederlander’s organisation said the Broadway production “will be the exclusive Michael Jackson authorised version of Thriller.” The show is expected to be based around the video for Thriller, which was first shown in 1983 and starred Jackson as a werewolf and featured dancing zombies. No details of the musical have yet been revealed.

Now, look, don’t get too excited about this – for all we know, this Thriller musical could go the same way as other proposed Michael Jackson endeavours of late, like the charity singles and the comeback albums and the 50ft laser-eyed Michael Jackson robot that was going to prowl around the Las Vegas desert at night. The absence of that last one stings most of all, you know.

But who knows, maybe this Thriller musical will be a huge success. Let’s hope so, because it could mean that Michael Jackson will go onto adapt his other albums to the musical form, too – like Bad, a musical about a man who is bad. Or Dangerous, a musical about a man who is dangerous. Or Invincible, a musical that nobody will go and see because all the songs in it are donkey bobbins.

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10 - Here’s what happens if you show an idiot an episode of Seinfeld and then give him a webcam…

9 - Dear pubs, please start selling drinks this way. We don’t care if it makes them poisonous or anything, just do it – I Am Bored

8 - Thriller: The Musical. Coming Soon. We wish we were joking – Guardian

7 – Bill Murray hits a man. A man. For a change. Allegedly – Holy Moly

6 - Hey, own an iPhone but don’t think you look like enough of a pikey using it? Then you need a set of THESE - Etretouchy

5 - That new Terminator film sure is going to be pretty. Crap, but pretty – Filmonic

4 - Well look at this. A World Of Warcraft user with too much time on his hands. Who’d have thought? – YouTube

3 – Baby Macbooks. Want one, regardless of dubious copyright laws – Gizmodo

2 - Thank God Prince William‘s got ugly. We think Britain would sink into the sea if it ever got a passably attractive monarch, you know – Popsugar

1 – Pop songs in toy shops. Genius – Popjustice

10 – Thank heavens. After tomorrow, all YouTube videos will be like this one again…

9 - The 15 worst porno ideas ever. Hint – your mum accounts for 14 of them – Cracked

8 - Robocop and a unicorn, together at last. Beautiful – Flickr

7 - The five best and five worst Tim Burton movies. As if you didn’t know already - Film

6 - Gratuitous self-promotion, yes, but here’s something Stu wrote for another website. It’s about, bleurgh, the election - Kontraband

5 - Hey, look, The Onion invented Joe The Plumber over a decade ago – Theonion

4 - Are you following hecklerspray on Twitter? Because you should be, and we’re not going to ask you again – Twitter

3 - Songs that sound suspiciously like other songs, with audio - Jamsbio

2 – A Dominoes pizza experiment that’s so perfect we might just cry - Thesneeze

1 – This is what happens if the closest thing you have to social interaction is a computer and a copy of Thriller. All recorded with his mouth – I Am Bored

Yes, you read that correctly – at the Super Bowl, the New York Giants will be replaced with Michael Jackson, who'll face off against the New England Patriots with just a monkey in a helmet for help.

No, we're just kidding. In fact Michael Jackson will be doing what he does third-best for Sunday's Super Bowl – music. But Michael Jackson won't be performing during the Super Bowl halftime show, probably because a gaunt middle-aged man muttering three lines of Stranger In Moscow before wandering off doesn't cut it as entertainment any more.

Instead, Michael Jackson will be on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Actually, that's not true either – some of Thriller will be played on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Not much of a story, this, is it?

When it comes to making hopelessly-doomed comebacks, Britney Spears is nothing but a young pretender compared to the master that is Michael Jackson. In the last couple of years he's aborted more comebacks than we could ever recall. Remember when Michael Jackson was recording that album in Bahrain that never happened? And remember the big comeback in London that just turned out to be Michael Jackson standing behind a children's choir singing We Are The World for four seconds?

Mangled messes the lot of them. But now Michael Jackson has decided to make a proper, full-on, foolproof comeback that's foolproof primarily because Michael Jackson really won't have much to do with it.

The 2008 Super Bowl will take place on Sunday, and Michael Jackson is being lined up for a starring role. Not for the main Super Bowl halftime performance itself, you understand – organisers have already lined up the mind-blistering white-hot electropunk juggerpop of, um, Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers for that – but instead Michael Jackson will be on an advert played in between all the fun parts. Sort of. Metro reports:

Michael Jackson hopes to stage a Thriller comeback at American football's Super Bowl next weekend. As part of marketing for the 25th anniversary of the classic album, a TV advert for a vitamin-enhanced drink from Pepsi will be broadcast with a Thriller theme during the big game next Sunday.

Pepsi? But won't that infringe on Michael Jackson's exclusive Jesus Juice endorsement? 

Anyway, Michael Jackson plans to follow up this – admit it – slightly rubbish comeback with something a bit more substantial. According to reports, Michael Jackson will perform a medley of his hits at the Grammys next month. Or rather he'll just halfheartedly jig around while Fergie, will.i.am and Akon do all the actual legwork.

It's not the most convincing comeback you'll ever hear about, but perhaps it's for the best. After all, what other Super Bowl options did Michael Jackson have? A self-deprecating Kevin Federline-style advert about what a loser he is? A deliberately controversial Snickers-style advert about Michael Jackson kissing a lot of men? No, this is best.

And let's just be thankful that Michael Jackson didn't follow his sister Janet into performing at the halftime show. God knows how the world would react to Michael whapping a booby out.

Read more:

Jacko set for Super Bowl return - Metro