To the untrained eye, you might think that every article on here is written after a long night of drinking. That simply isn’t true.

Every single word here goes through a tedious process. First a monkey punches a typewriter, then the results are passed to a child for English practice, then a gormless writer edits it.

Michael Jackson possibly went through the same routine when releasing his albums. With a crotch touch here and a flaming hairdo there, everything was tuned to a fine key. But recent tapes featuring the singer in conversation supposedly suggest he hated the original recordings of Thriller. So much so that he wanted to pig out on ice-cream. Maybe.

Even though he’s dead and buried with a silver glove still strapped to his arm, the supposed legend that is Michael Jackson still lives on. If you are a genuine music lover who appreciates top class quality music, you will quite likely be appalled at the sight of bloody Wacko Jacko clogging up the charts. Unlike a blocked drain, we can’t chuck some chemicals down to make the problem go away. Instead, we have to wait for the public to grow a morsel of intelligence.

But just like 2Pac, something amazing is coming from Michael Jackson. That’s right; he’s releasing a brand spanking new song. Sorry, he’s releasing a brand spanking new song that was recorded years ago but everyone thought was shit at the time. But now that worms are pecking away at his body, it’s about time to release it and make some money. If you stop and listen closely, you’ll hear Joe Jackson rubbing his hands with glee.

But the career of Michael Jackson may not have been the success it was. Oh lordy, at one point the deluded man of pop threatened to pull the plug on the whole recording sessions of Thriller. You know, the album which always gets played at weddings, Halloween, New Year’s Eve and other occasions where people think they can sing and dance to it when drunk. According to the News of the World, there’s a tape where Michael says:

“Thriller sounded so crap. The mixes sucked. When we listened to the whole album, there were tears… I just cried like a baby. I stormed out of the room and said we’re not releasing this. Call [record company] CBS and tell them they are NOT getting this album. We are NOT releasing this.”

Hold us tight and make us a sandwich! What happened next? Did daddy beat him around a bit to make see sense? Or did the record company threaten to lock him in a room and let sister Janet Jackson sing the album to him? Oddly, this wasn’t the case. He got inspired. Again, the News of the World reports:

“Michael revealed how he left the studio – West Lake in Los Angeles – and spent some time alone, watching children in a schoolyard.”

When we’re down and feeling generally rubbish, we’ll either go see our mates for a few beers, put on a good film or play snakes and ladders. It might be an American thing to do, but watching kids play in schools? Hmm, that sounds a little bit dodgy to us.

Still, it was a good decision for Michael to perve over kids playing on the swings. He decided to release Thriller and it sold millions. Quite a good thing too, as it more than likely covered his legal fees for, well, you know.

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Everyone else on the planet has sued Michael Jackson, you know. Everyone – vets, lawyers, fiery sheikhs, staff – and now John Landis. John Landis is suing Michael Jackson over claims that he hasn’t received any royalties from the Thriller video in four years.

The lawsuit could put the skids on Michael Jackson’s plan for a new Thriller musical. Which wouldn’t be too bad, because ‘acquitted child molester Michael Jackson’ is so much easier to say than ’successful musical theatre impresario Michael Jackson’, isn’t it?

Michael Jackson just can’t catch a break these days, can he? Whatever he tries to do – like release a charity single or record an album of duets with a deceased pontiff or, you know, playing a game of ‘hey kids, guess what I’ve got in my pocket’ or whatever – it always ends up getting trampled on.

It was true when Michael Jackson allegedly tried to make off with that sheikh’s money, and it’s true now that Michael Jackson is putting together plans for a new musical based on songs from Thriller.

Poor Michael Jackson, the Thriller musical was going to be an uphill struggle as it was – the plan was to base the entire musical around John Landis’ spookily iconic Thriller video, so the only feasible way to shoehorn a song like The Girl Is Mine into it would be to have it performed by two zombies arguing over a disemboweled secretary – but now it’s been thrown into further chaos. John Landis, you see, has decided to sue Michael Jackson for unpaid royalties. Variety reports:

“After a spectacular theatrical premiere, the ‘Thriller’ video became a worldwide megahit and an iconic pop culture phenomenon that has continued to generate profits for defendants Optimum Prods. and Michael Jackson, who have wrongfully refused to pay or account for such profits to plaintiff”. The action accuses Jackson of “fraudulent, malicious and oppressive conduct” in failing to pay Landis 50% of the net proceeds.

It’s always sad when two old friends fall out like this, especially when they have so much in common. As well as piecing the Thriller video together, both John Landis and Michael Jackson have jointly declined in creativity so dramatically that their best days are now two solid decades behind them. And neither of them can remember what their own chin looks like. Commonalities like these bond men together.

But at least we know what the deal is here. As with every other lawsuit he’s faced, we’re fairly certain that Michael Jackson will ignore John Landis until the last minute before coming to an eleventh-hour settlement on the steps of the court. And once that’s over, Michael Jackson can get on with what he’s good at – being sued by the few individuals who haven’t got round to doing so yet.

At the last count, those individuals included an injured mountain lion, a yogurt pot and nobody else.

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The man is just running out of options. Apart from one – it’s been reported that Michael Jackson is putting together a big-budget Mamma Mia-style musical based on his album Thriller. The Thriller musical is thought to be based on the video to the album’s eponymous single, featuring legions of grotesque undead cadavers who terrify you witless the second you glance at them.

Goodness, we didn’t know that Michael Jackson was going to be starring in it as well.

Mamma Mia has a lot to answer for, doesn’t it? Simply by plopping a load of Abba songs together around a painfully contrived storyline and presenting it in a way that appeals to both hen-parties and people who like things that aren’t good, Mamma Mia has become a global sensation and, more importantly, inspired other acts to copy the formula.

So far there have been musicals based on the songs of Madness, Queen, Take That, The Proclaimers and – hopefully in the very near future – the album The Moment by Kenny G. But there’s one artist with a catalogue that’s crying out to be turned into a musical. And that artist is Michael Jackson.

We’re not saying that because we think that Michael Jackson’s songs would make for a good musical, mind you – we’re just saying that the poor chap probably needs the cash at the moment. In recent months Michael Jackson has been forced to sell his home, become the target of a lawsuit from the world’s angriest sheikh and has reportedly developed lungs the size of peanuts that could do him in at any minute.

So this news couldn’t have come at a better time – apparently Michael Jackson is putting together a stage musical based on his album Thriller.

Now, the more eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that there’s already a London musical based on the music of Thriller, but it hasn’t been sanctioned by Michael himself. This new musical will be completely official and creatively masterminded by Michael Jackson, so it’ll probably feature an extended mid-section where the audience is forced to stand up and salute a big picture of Michael Jackson nailed to a cross like Jesus and crying tears that spell the words ‘Love me’ in a puddle underneath him. Anyway, BBC News reports:

[Producer] Mr Nederlander’s organisation said the Broadway production “will be the exclusive Michael Jackson authorised version of Thriller.” The show is expected to be based around the video for Thriller, which was first shown in 1983 and starred Jackson as a werewolf and featured dancing zombies. No details of the musical have yet been revealed.

Now, look, don’t get too excited about this – for all we know, this Thriller musical could go the same way as other proposed Michael Jackson endeavours of late, like the charity singles and the comeback albums and the 50ft laser-eyed Michael Jackson robot that was going to prowl around the Las Vegas desert at night. The absence of that last one stings most of all, you know.

But who knows, maybe this Thriller musical will be a huge success. Let’s hope so, because it could mean that Michael Jackson will go onto adapt his other albums to the musical form, too – like Bad, a musical about a man who is bad. Or Dangerous, a musical about a man who is dangerous. Or Invincible, a musical that nobody will go and see because all the songs in it are donkey bobbins.

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9 - Dear pubs, please start selling drinks this way. We don’t care if it makes them poisonous or anything, just do it – I Am Bored

8 - Thriller: The Musical. Coming Soon. We wish we were joking – Guardian

7 – Bill Murray hits a man. A man. For a change. Allegedly – Holy Moly

6 - Hey, own an iPhone but don’t think you look like enough of a pikey using it? Then you need a set of THESE - Etretouchy

5 - That new Terminator film sure is going to be pretty. Crap, but pretty – Filmonic

4 - Well look at this. A World Of Warcraft user with too much time on his hands. Who’d have thought? – YouTube

3 – Baby Macbooks. Want one, regardless of dubious copyright laws – Gizmodo

2 - Thank God Prince William’s got ugly. We think Britain would sink into the sea if it ever got a passably attractive monarch, you know – Popsugar

1 – Pop songs in toy shops. Genius – Popjustice

9 - The 15 worst porno ideas ever. Hint – your mum accounts for 14 of them – Cracked

8 - Robocop and a unicorn, together at last. Beautiful – Flickr

7 - The five best and five worst Tim Burton movies. As if you didn’t know already - Film

6 - Gratuitous self-promotion, yes, but here’s something Stu wrote for another website. It’s about, bleurgh, the election - Kontraband

5 - Hey, look, The Onion invented Joe The Plumber over a decade ago – Theonion

4 - Are you following hecklerspray on Twitter? Because you should be, and we’re not going to ask you again – Twitter

3 - Songs that sound suspiciously like other songs, with audio - Jamsbio

2 – A Dominoes pizza experiment that’s so perfect we might just cry - Thesneeze

1 – This is what happens if the closest thing you have to social interaction is a computer and a copy of Thriller. All recorded with his mouth – I Am Bored

No, we're just kidding. In fact Michael Jackson will be doing what he does third-best for Sunday's Super Bowl – music. But Michael Jackson won't be performing during the Super Bowl halftime show, probably because a gaunt middle-aged man muttering three lines of Stranger In Moscow before wandering off doesn't cut it as entertainment any more.

Instead, Michael Jackson will be on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Actually, that's not true either – some of Thriller will be played on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Not much of a story, this, is it?

When it comes to making hopelessly-doomed comebacks, Britney Spears is nothing but a young pretender compared to the master that is Michael Jackson. In the last couple of years he's aborted more comebacks than we could ever recall. Remember when Michael Jackson was recording that album in Bahrain that never happened? And remember the big comeback in London that just turned out to be Michael Jackson standing behind a children's choir singing We Are The World for four seconds?

Mangled messes the lot of them. But now Michael Jackson has decided to make a proper, full-on, foolproof comeback that's foolproof primarily because Michael Jackson really won't have much to do with it.

The 2008 Super Bowl will take place on Sunday, and Michael Jackson is being lined up for a starring role. Not for the main Super Bowl halftime performance itself, you understand – organisers have already lined up the mind-blistering white-hot electropunk juggerpop of, um, Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers for that – but instead Michael Jackson will be on an advert played in between all the fun parts. Sort of. Metro reports:

Michael Jackson hopes to stage a Thriller comeback at American football's Super Bowl next weekend. As part of marketing for the 25th anniversary of the classic album, a TV advert for a vitamin-enhanced drink from Pepsi will be broadcast with a Thriller theme during the big game next Sunday.

Pepsi? But won't that infringe on Michael Jackson's exclusive Jesus Juice endorsement? 

Anyway, Michael Jackson plans to follow up this – admit it – slightly rubbish comeback with something a bit more substantial. According to reports, Michael Jackson will perform a medley of his hits at the Grammys next month. Or rather he'll just halfheartedly jig around while Fergie, will.i.am and Akon do all the actual legwork.

It's not the most convincing comeback you'll ever hear about, but perhaps it's for the best. After all, what other Super Bowl options did Michael Jackson have? A self-deprecating Kevin Federline-style advert about what a loser he is? A deliberately controversial Snickers-style advert about Michael Jackson kissing a lot of men? No, this is best.

And let's just be thankful that Michael Jackson didn't follow his sister Janet into performing at the halftime show. God knows how the world would react to Michael whapping a booby out.

Read more:

Jacko set for Super Bowl return - Metro