And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.

Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he’s due to star in the play, yes someone’s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.

And people say that theatre is too high-brow.

Other stars of the show, about a group of lads who decide to become strippers, you know, like in that film with Robert Carlisle, will include Danny Young, who played Warren in Corrie, Marcus Patrick a.k.a. Ben Davies from Hollyoaks and Dale Howard, from… erm… Big Brother.

This has Olivier Award written all over it.

Wildboyz is due to grace the towns of Stevenage, Bradford, Leicester, Skegness, Colchester, Plymouth, Newcastle and Margate. And while there are no immediate plans for a West End run we here at hecklerspray are certain that Messrs Reid, Patrick, Young and Howard will be treading the boards at the Victoria, Apollo or Gielgud in no time.

Whether the theatre will be open that day or not will be another matter.

The show has been described, by the people who have been paid to lie about how good it is, as:

A hysterical tease from the beginning to its spectacular climax, lifting the lid on the world of celebrity, with audience participation, guaranteeing not a dry seat in the house.

Not a dry seat? Are the audience all going to void the bowels with shame after being subjected to Alex Reid’s acting talent?

That’s REALLY selling it to us.

One thing remains certain at least, even with pictures like the one below floating around, there’s not much of a chance of Alex or the rest of the Wildboyz being signed by Katie Price.

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The Rocky films are great aren’t they? They started off as a gritty fictional document of a rising boxing star, closing with a film that showed Rocky Balboa resembling a relaxed, tanned phallus that has been dipped in a particularly aggressive wasp nest.

And while you think that Rocky was out for the count (or, It Really Should’ve Thrown The Towel In At Rocky IV Because It Was Ace), you’d be massively wrong.

That’s because Rocky is climbing up the ropes again in slow motion, this time with another hugely stupid idea which sounds like the work of a satirist. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner we have decency which is already weeping… and his opponent, in the red corner, Rocky: The Broadway Musical!

That’s right. You are not dreaming that last sentence. A team of berks, comprising of Tony Award-winning songwriters Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty, alongside Thomas Meehan who has been involved with Hairspray, Annie and The Producers, are working on a musical adaptation of a bunch of films that star a central character who talks like he’s deaf.

The show is set to hit Broadway by 2013.

Better yet is that Sylvester Stallone is throwing his oar in, attending a private reading of the show which was held in New York recently.

Meehan says:

“At first I thought, all the world needs is a ‘Rocky’ musical. But then I looked at the film. I thought it had beautiful construction and such high emotion, and it was a natural musical: There is a David and Goliath story, a Cinderella story, a love story between two outcasts. It’s less about boxing than about finding self-respect and finding your soul mate.”

So, what can we expect from Rocky: The Musical?

Well, initially, we’d hoped it would just be two fellas on a stage knocking forty shades of shit out of each other, allowing pretentious theatre-goers to coo about how visceral and ‘powerfully brutal’ the whole spectacle is. However, it is clear that this wouldn’t be enough as a musical with no songs isn’t a musical at all.

As such, we’d like to see a rendition of a song called ‘Adrian’ (yes, that’s how you spell it. No, it isn’t ‘Adrienne’. We know. Don’t blame us), which sees the assembled cast delivering the name, over and over in the iconic manner that Stallone delivered it in the film, leaving audiences treated to a sound not unlike six bull seals being clubbed over the head with rubber mallets.

We’d also like to see a song based on the robot that Paulie gets for his birthday. And don’t forget James Brown’s ‘Livin’ In America’. It would be utterly, utterly pointless without it.

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Stan Lee must be spinning in his specially-dug-grave-for-embarrassing-situations right now. Why? Because Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark is doing its darnedest to take massive great turds all over the legacy of one of the most famous superheroes ever.

From the curtain opener that saw sets not assembled properly, actors hanging limply in the rafters and more, we now have the story that one of the stuntmen of the show nearly died after plummeting to the ground like a pig kicked from a plane with a parachute made of anvils.

And of course, this is all very funny solely because U2 are involved and as we all know, Bono is a gargantuan ball bag of impressive proportions.

Bono and The Edge (real names – who really gives a monkeys?) have written a score for the play which seems to be based on endangering human beings.

One actor fell 20 feet (or about 6 metres if you prefer) and apparently, it was down to human error according to the actors’ union. That, or the actor in question felt the whole thing was so dreadful that they’d try and commit suicide on-stage rather than continue with the unravelling farce that theatre goers have been enduring thus far.

The poor sod in question is called Christopher Tierney and is listed in not-very-funny serious condition.

One spectator said:

“Spider-Man was on a bridge, and Mary Jane was dangling from it.”

“I think he was meant to sort of swoop over there, but he just fell off. … The harness, you could see it just flick off his back and fly backward.”

“[Afterward] it just went black, and the producer came on and said we’re going to pause for a moment. You could hear Mary Jane weeping.”

After that, it appears that some people clapped awkwardly, not knowing what the hell they were supposed to do. Disapproving glances were thrown at one woman (presumably was a hecklerspray reader) who laughed mockingly at the whole debacle.

The finale of the show was to see the performer being wheeled away in a neck brace.

Show director Julie Taymor said the accident was

“obviously heartbreaking for our entire team and, of course, to me personally.”

“I am so thankful that Chris is going to be all right and is in great spirits. Nothing is more important than the safety of our Spider-Man family and we’ll continue to do everything in our power to protect the cast and crew.”

Apart from putting safety harnesses on properly of course. Maybe the assembled crew actually believe Spiderman is on-board with the project and on-hand to swing through the air to rescue plummeting actors before they hit the ground like a bag of spanners?

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah! Bono and The Edge… most expensive show in Broadway history… ha ha ha ha… serious injuries to people with more talent than us… har de har har…

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There’s a collective will for U2 to fail at the moment. Such is Bono’s intense smuggery is that the ill-feeling toward him even extends to Spiderman, who everyone loves. Seeing as Bono and The Edge did the score for Spidey theatre production Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark, we’re all wishing it nothing but bad luck.

And hilariously, it seems to have befallen just that… and in bucket loads.

Last night’s opener of Broadway’s most expensive production ever, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was a ripsnorting flop! That’s $65 millions worth of high-tech gadgetry fail and bad music soundtracking a utterly baffling script. Hahahahahahahahaha!

The poor sods who went to the opening left scratching their bonces, wondering if they’d entered some kind of weird dream-state where the very fabric of everything began to fray around them and slowly fragment like crumbing cheese.

They hadn’t. They had spent a lot of money on a shoddy production which saw them ducking out of the way of falling equipment and actors dangling helplessly from the ceiling. The Foxwoods Theatre on West 42nd Street has probably shrivelled up and vanished in embarrassment today. Go check. It’s not there any more.

Seriously though, bits of this aren’t made up. Reports state that overhead stage wires dropped on the audience and scenery appeared on stage missing big chunks and the star of the show was left dangling like a warm bollock in mid-air during the climatic end to the first act. For eight minutes.

After what must have seemed like an age, the stage manager just gave up and announced over the loudspeaker, “Give it up for Natalie Mendoza, who’s hanging in the air!”

Then the show had to be stopped for a further four times thanks to technical hitches.

Later on in the show, Spiderman was supposed to zoom off with some high drama, except, he got stuck in the rafters with three stagehands leaping up and down trying to grab at his legs to pull him down.

At another baffling juncture, the Goblin is seem playing a tune on the piano and again, thanks to a massive fuck-up, was left play and play and play while stage workers dashed around him trying to fix faulty equipment. Things got so bad that the Goblin broke out of character and started ad-libbing, breaking into ‘I’ll Take Manhattan.’

This went on for 3½ hours.

Sadly, Bono and The Edge missed all this as they were in Australia with U2. Shame. It sounds like they have missed one of the most hilarious nights out of 2010.

Poor ol’ Stan Lee. He must have dug himself a grave, just so he can spin in it for the rest of the day.

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Margaret Thatcher is, without doubt, the sexiest of Britain’s prime ministers. Her twin-set and pearls chic set a trend for foxy posh women everywhere. Thatcher famously survived on 3 minutes sleep per week… probably because she was getting up to all kinds of sexy business with Dennis!

Of course, there’s a lot of jealous miners out there who went on strike because Thatcher wouldn’t reveal her breasts for them in a special Page 3 pull-out who won’t be thrilled at the news of a sexy new play which sees Maggie getting sodomised. Apparently, the miners still haven’t forgiven Thatcher for this snub.

But that’s right, there’s a new play on which sees Maggie Thatcher getting bummed! HEAVEN!

Sir Nicholas Hytner, who is the boss of the National Theatre, is refusing to apologise for the raunchy antics of Baroness Thatcher in a play that he is staging called Blood and Gifts.

The T G Rogers’ play, which is set in the Eighties, sees a British diplomat saying that Lady Thatcher deserved to be royally bummed for the budget cuts she had implemented.

We’re not sure about that. She needs a good seeing to, that’s for sure, but nothing to do with budget cuts!

We haven’t seen the show, but we can imagine what might ensue. We’re picturing an alluring Thatcher, doing a slow striptease, with Michael Heseltine stood looking on in nothing more than a leopard print thong. Thatcher will hitch her skirt up, burlesque style (after all, she is a woman of taste!) and reveal her long, long legs (complete with incredibly large, athletic calf muscles) to a man with dirty fingernails who will be beckoned by the greatest of British prime ministers.

She’ll probably give the grubby man a lapdance, before displaying her youthful and pert bottom, asking him “Would you like to be part of a coalition?” Which, of course, is posh-slang for ‘Would you like to take me roughly from behind with no lubricant?‘

This is something the Liberal Democrat party will be very interested in, we’re sure of that! They’re only human after all!

Of course, there are some who think this is all a slight on Baroness Thatcher, with some mystifyingly complaining about this sexy behaviour.

Sir Hytner has been accused of being a “leftie”.

He replied at a press conference this week, saying:

“The days when the arts were run by monolithically Leftist individuals are long gone.”

He added that he felt no need to reply to criticisms of the play, saying what a character says on his stage is not the same thing as what his theatre thinks.

It’s obvious that, like every man in Britain, Hytner thinks that Margaret Thatcher is a fine, fine looking woman and it’s obvious that he wanted us all to have the image of her getting one up the bot-bot. In this time of recession, we all need some cheer in our lives don’t we?

This is just the tonic.

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When Raoul Moat went AWOL with a big gun and no-brain, Britain became transfixed. The news was too weird and too horrible to properly contemplate. Here, we had a man who had been so let down by the world that he decided to live like a feral creature in a drain, stroking weaponry and wanting to kill policemen.

Yet, somehow, mindless dolts held him up as some kind of anti-hero, provoking outrage at pointless (although admittedly tasteless) Facebook pages.

And what’s this? A play about Roaul Moat? Really?

Of course, you can see why there’s interest in such a thing. It’s obvious that we’re all a bit obsessed with death and the people who cause it. The TV is filled with murder mysteries and Shakespeare loved to kill-off half of his cast for shits and giggles.

However, this play is paid for by taxpayers which means we’ll all be treated to a nice bit of outrage.

Weirder still, is that the bloke who will play Moat has previously undertaken roles where he’s had to eat a corgi and a swan, catapulted grannies, set fire to himself outside Parliament and pranced like a ballerina pig outside Scotland Yard in pink tights.

Yep, this bloke likes to tackle the weird and he goes by the name of Mark McGowan. Moat isn’t the first controversial storyline he’s tackled.

In the past, he’s done the death of Jade Goody, Jean Charles de Menezes’ murder, the kidnapping of Shannon Matthews and the conception of Prince William.

We all want to know if Gazza is going to make a drunken cameo appearance to make us all initially laugh, then cry ourselves withered, unable to cope with the toppling depression that surrounds such a grim tale.

While this art-school titster runs around with a cardboard box on his head, with a crude print-out of Moat’s face stapled to the front, the victims aren’t too happy.

Concerned newspapers the country over have shown their compassion by ringing up everyone who has been affected by Moat’s grisly actions and dragged up painful memories for a quote about this play.

PC David Rathband, who was blinded by Moat, said:

“What a waste of taxpayers’ money.”

Kelly Stobbart, whose sister Sam was injured, spat:

“We’ve been to hell and back. It should not be used as entertainment.”

Next Week: Someone sets up a mock-Twitter account for every single news story that is broken on the off chance that they go ‘viral’ and wind everyone up with it.

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Britney Spears has been offered the chance to play nutjob Blanche DuBois in an upcoming London stage play of Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire.

You may be wondering why on earth anyone in their right mind would deem Britney Spears an appropriate figure to take on the role of one of America’s all time great femme fatales but, before you get carried away with that thought, just stop to consider a few things:

First of all, Blanche, as all over 50s and film students know, comes from a small town in Mississippi. And where does Britney come from? That’s right; a small town in Mississippi.

Blanche is eventually exposed as an alcoholic, and Britney too has been found out to be dependent on a drug or two .

And, as if that wasn't enough, later on in the story Blanche has a nervous breakdown and is shipped off to a mental hospital.

Not so sure about yourself anymore, are you dear reader? Suddenly it becomes all too apparent why someone might deem the girl suitable.

There is one potent misnomer though, which is that when Blanche looks upon the vicious, working-class, alpha-male that is Stanley Kowalski, she sees nothing but a hideous ‘ape’, and tries but fails to fight off his sexual advances. Whereas Britney…

A source close to the production said of Miss Spears:

"She has poise, timing and real flair. We’d wanted her for Blanche because even though she’s technically too young to play her, who else could embody this fallen southern belle so well? She’s living out the story, so to harness that on stage would be amazing for an audience to see – and cathartic for Britney too."

Maybe you’re right, Mr ‘close source to the production’, but perhaps instead of trying to find therapy in humiliating herself night after night in front of the boos and hisses of the baying-for-her-blood British theatre-going public, she could just have a lie down and a cup of tea?

It’s just a thought.

Read More – Britney Spears Gets Role In Play – Trans World News