?Everything I touch turns to sold? Stuart ‘The Brand’ Baggs has been a rich source of televisual gold while he’s been on The Apprentice. It is obvious he should have been given the boot ages ago, but the producers clearly know when they’re onto a good thing. Anyone who can say ?Excuse me Sir, you look like a sausage connoisseur” with a straight face needs to be on our screens.
The Apprentice Week 10: Lord Whatever Rhymes With Sugar
Only six remain rattling around the Apprentice townhouse. They?should probably show some of that entreprenurial spirit they all?claim to have in spades and sub-let some of the empty rooms.?Although the cost of the exorcism to remove the still lingering?spirits of Melissa’s tortured vowels, not to mention the peroxide?stains, could make that plan financially unviable.
What do we know? This is why here at hecklerspray Towers, we are all paupers, just 50p away from starvation at all times. Please buy our t-shirts!
An early wake-up call again, as the Apprentices were informed they?would be heading off to Wandsworth bus garage. Jamie took this?news as if the sexyladyoice had whispered that she was creeping up?behind him with her sexiest knife, almost dropping the phone in?dread and shock.
Apprentice Week 9: Spunking Cash Up The Wall
If there's one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn't theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.
Yes, that's right, it's week 9 of The Apprentice!
This week everyone's favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of ?1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.
Apprentice Week 8: Once You Baggs, You Just Can’t Spaggs
Sound the alarm bells: it’s happening again. Remember when EastEnders went to Ireland, and tripped over a donkey riding a drunk leprechaun through a field of paramilitary heather? Expect similar cultural sensitivities this week. For God’s sake, don’t mention the Hoff – The Apprentice goes to Germany!
“Good morning!” chirruped a flip-flopped Jamie irritatingly into the Sugphone, as daylight flooded Apprentice HQ.
Another lie-in this week; Lord Sugar must have been in a terribly good mood due to the upcoming royal nuptuals, being, as they are, the perfect opportunity to repurpose crateloads of unsold Charles ‘n’ Di commemorative Amstrads using only a bit of Tippex.
Apprentice Week Seven: DVD’oh!
What if one day…we could go on a roller-coaster or drive a racing car? Toot toot! Or maybe even go to a magical place called Milton Keynes, where they say “pah!” to the general atmospheric climate of Buckinghamshire, and build an echoing palace of snow and wonderment and the occasional broken collarbone!
But we know that’s never going to happen. If only there was a way where we could pretend to be doing those things, and then somehow watch ourselves doing them, again and again, in the darkness and loneliness of our private hovels, in no way touching ourselves inappropriately. If only… If only…
Alan Sugar Wants You To Stop Remembering The Dead And Buy His Bladdy Book
America has tycoons such as Steve Jobs and Bill Gates who have changed the world with their unique inventions. From products that are full of glitches and hardware that's incompatible with basic software such as Flash, we truly salute our American chums. The UK might not have might such an impact, but we have got Alan Sugar.
Thanks to Amstrad, we can now send e-mails from our office phone and deface our own properties with a hideous looking Sky dish. Until The Apprentice hit our screens, Alan Sugar was a fairly unknown individual.
But thanks to the wonders of the picture box, his presence has grown with legions of idiots shouting the phrase ?you're fired.? Sugar is roughly seventy thousand years old and people his age don't usually embrace modern things like Twitter. However, Alan Sugar does take to the service regularly and yesterday caused a stir with his flurry of Tweets during the two minutes to honour our soldiers.
Apprentice week 6: Hasta La Vista, Dignity
Thank heavens, it’s the advertising task! The task that previously brought you the creeping horror that was Pantsman is finally here, and along the way we learn a whole host of fun new phrases, find out where flu is from, and destroy feminism in 30 seconds. Hooray for the advertising task! Throw your hats gaily into the air and join us!
The Good Lord descended from his boardroom heavens to walk among his disciples’ crusty socks in the Apprentice townhouse at the leisurely hour of 7:30am, calling an immediate impromptu meeting.
This left the candidates in quite the tizzy, all lining up bleary-eyed in their jimmy-jams faintly worrying that they had not sufficiently dampened their morning wood. All except Luscious Liz, who turned up perky as a chilly stripper’s nipple in full make-up and Juicy Couture velour.
Apprentice Week 5: Handbags And Sadrags
Fashion, eh? What a load of old balls! Take a bit of cotton nonsense, made for a couple of quid, and sell it for millions. What’s that got to do with big business? Thus spoke the Brand himself, Stuart Baggs, utterly missing the point of what all business has ever been about since the first caveman ugged himself a profit out of a dead mammoth.
Not the Brand’s fault, though, bless him.
If there’s one thing six series of this Apprentice hooey has taught us all, business is simply about using the phrase “going forward” in as many different situations as humanly possible before passing the buck with the precision of a furious Wayne Gretzky.
The Apprentice Week 4: Unnovations
One of the great pleasures of a Sunday, apart from legitimately calling a Bloody Mary breakfast and eating huge hunks of gravy-drenched meat to stave off the encroaching, screeching horror of the Monday morning alarm, is the Sunday papers. And once you’ve caught up on which footballer diddled which model and at what level of satisfaction, you get to delve into the utopia of the cheaply-printed gadget catalogue; a heady world of tea-making barometers, painless nose-hair extraction and comfy, comfy slacks.
So how thrilling for us that it was flog-the-innovation week on The Apprentice. All the absurd gadgetry our tiny minds could handle, plus a massive dollop of smartly dressed squabbling pricks on the side!
The Apprentice Week 2: Bikinis And Bickering In The Boardroom
The first episode of this year?s Apprentice introduced us to a brand new batch of cocky, self-aggrandising and incompetent suits with mouths, all of whom are willing to trample over anyone who gets in their way to get the job as Lord Sugar?s apprentice.
This week we saw our two teams of pinstriped egos having to design and produce a beach accessory and pitch it to 3 retail outlets.
It was always going to end in sneers wasn’t it?