Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon.

It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they’ll move to Vermont and get married anyway.

We’ve a guy at TBS that says he’s very interested. MTV doesn’t have room for more 80’s fanfare – they’re too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.

MTV’s decided for some reason to make an entire series out of Michael J Fox’s Teen Wolf movie. We’re not sure why they did this, but we assume it’s because anything with strong bestiality overtones is currently very popular with young people.

You gotta go to the well with water, know what we mean?

Personally we think this is a mistake that will only add to the slow erosion of societal values that we’ve all historically benefited from. A couple seasons of Doc Hollywood, on the other hand, now that we can totally get behind. Did you hear that VH1? Listen to us! We’re your targeted demographic!

Had you heard about Teen Wolf making a howling (sorry) comeback? You hadn’t? Well then read this bit from THR:

“MTV’s reinvention of the 1980s movie “Teen Wolf” is inching closer to reality with a pilot presentation order. The cable network announced the project in January as part of its development slate. After seeing the script, MTV brass picked it up to presentation. The 1985 film starred Michael J. Fox as a teenager who discovers he is a werewolf. The MTV version will be set in high school, draw from the horror genre to explore werewolf mythology and include a romantic plot line.”

We’re sure you all are thinking that MTV is just jumping on the werewolf bandwagon that’s been made so popular by Twilight. Well this isn’t true – there are differences galore! They’ll only hire actual actors to portray the various roles, for instance.

And if you didn’t like the original Teen Wolf movies, well don’t you worry about that either. As far as we can tell nobody intends to stick to a blue print. For instance this time instead of descending from a long line of were-people, the main character is created when his pregnant mother falls into a large vat of dog spoo that had been harvested by a small town for its skin replenishing capabilities.

You may think the writers made up the rejuvenating part – but they didn’t. That’s why we heard in ski-towns Walgreen’s sells dog ejaculent by the pint.

Another difference between the MTV Teen Wolf and it’s 80s parent is the teenage-lead’s transformed-dog-self has an obvious splash of poodle in him.

This will be really nice for people who like gay dogs.

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Instead, it marked Rosie O’Donnell’s big return to TV. Last week saw the premiere of Rosie Live – a big balls-out, unashamedly old-fashioned variety show hosted by Rosie O’Donnell. And Rosie Live would have been great, too, if only more than about four people watched it, and those who did watch it didn’t hate it.

So, with a heavy heart, Rosie O’Donnell took to the internet this weekend to announce that there would be no more Rosie Live. But, undeterred, Rosie O’Donnell has sworn to return to TV soon with a format that suits her better. Working titles for that show include Rosie’s Hour Of Screaming, Rosie Puts You Off Your Dinner, Rosie Punches The Homeless, Rosie Kicks Down People’s Doors With A Knife In Her Mouth and Not Rosie.

Ever since leaving The View because she once got so angry that she psychically set fire to Barbara Walters‘ hair – or something – Rosie O’Donnell has been struggling to get back on TV.

First there were rumours that Rosie O’Donnell would get herself a show on a rolling news station, presumably for people who don’t think current affairs make them irrationally angry enough as it is, but that failed. Then Rosie set her sights on The Price Is Right, only to end up not getting the job because producers baulked at her proposal to rename the show The Price Is ARRRRGH! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD, I’LL KILL YOU!

But a force as powerful as Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t stay in the wilderness for long, which is why last week all of America got to see Rosie Live, a great big Thanksgiving variety show featuring turns from every celebrity on earth who Rosie O’Donnell hasn’t started a crackpot paranoid feud with recently. So three. Three celebrities.

Rosie Live looked like it couldn’t be anything other than a big hit – it had a giant potential audience rendered inert by food, it had all the old-time razzle dazzle you could ever ask for and it had a host who was prepared to badmouth anyone she liked so long as it gave her a sliver of publicity. Rosie Live couldn’t fail.

And then Rosie Live failed.

Because of this, there will be no more Rosie Live, as Rosie O’Donnell has revealed on her blog in her own inimitable way. Did we day ‘inimitable’? We meant ‘illegible’. Our mistake. Anyway, the New York Times reports:

“Rosie Live” attracted just five million viewers, according to Nielsen’s estimates. Ms. O’Donnell responded to many messages on her Web site over the weekend, writing in her style that eschews traditional spellings. To another viewer she acknowledged, “I gave it my best shot.” She also wrote that “its up to nbc,” but added, “bad ratings and reviews usually mean no more.”

But, look, it’s important that Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t get downhearted by the failure of Rosie Live. She gave it her best shot, she failed and now the only way she’ll manage to get on television again is if someone makes a retrospective TV show called Fat Lesbians We Barely Remember, but Rosie O’Donnell should take solace in one fact – Rosie Live didn’t make anyone fall to the floor with red-hot fountains of blood jetting out of their ears. And that’s something that Elisabeth Hasselbeck Live would have almost certainly caused.

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Don’t worry, it’s okay to admit that you haven’t. We won’t laugh at you or anything. Well, we won’t laugh at you more than we usually do.

Oh, we’re just joshing – Ellin isn’t exactly a household name. Chances are you’ll have seen the show he created, though – HBO’s quite wonderful Entourage, officially the best thing on ITV2 (which isn’t really much of an achievement, to be honest). The hit show follows a famous Hollywood actor and his hanger-on buddies, and is apparently so goshdarn inspiring that a mystery imposter is doing the rounds pretending to be Ellin himself.

Apart from doing the obvious – like, er, walking up to people, saying ‘I created Entourage’ and then looking at their slightly impressed faces – the hoaxer is now using his false identity to contact aspiring actresses and invite them to fake auditions in the hope of seducing them. Presumably by saying to them ‘hey baby, I created Entourage’ and then looking at their slightly impressed faces.

One young lady fell for the scam, and revealed that – whoever this imposter is – he has a faultless grasp on the illusion:

“The guy knew more than enough about the show, and Mark Wahlberg, and particular members of the crew to convince me. He also knew the name of Ellin’s assistant, casting peeps and future storylines.”

The production company behind Entourage has been forced to put a warning notice online, urging actorly-types to be extra careful of this chancer:

“It has been brought to our attention that a man claiming to be Doug Ellin is calling agents and actors alike about auditioning opportunities for Entourage. Please be aware that this is not Doug Ellin. Our producers will never call you directly unless it has been facilitated through the casting office first. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused and are making a string effort to resolve this issue asap.”

All sounds like a murky con job to us. Honestly, what sort of sad, pathetic loser would have to resort to conjuring a fake identity in order to pick up chicks? The mind boggles.

On a side note, hecklerspray learned the other day that we’re to act as consultants on new MTV series I Am A Jessica Alba Lookalike Who Enjoys Having Sex With People I Have Only Just Met. Prospective candidates should get in touch with a CV, picture, contact number, address and details of younger sister if within morally acceptable age range.

There’s no deadline.

Read More:

Programme makers warn against Entourage hoaxer – Yahoo

You know who we mean… the people that think Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t rather horsey looking and own Everybody Loves Raymond box sets and use words like ‘exspecially’ and have read all of the Nicholas Sparks books. Well, these are the same people that think Jay Leno is funny – no, really, apparently there are people out there who think that – and now these people are running big huge media networks and are trying to get Jay Leno to come not be funny for them when his contract expires next year.  

Oh, forget the stamp. The closest blunt object will do. 

You know who it sucks to be right now? Conan O’Brien, that’s who. Four years ago NBC announced that it would replace Jay Leno with Conan O’Brien on the late night circuit in 2009 when everybody’s contracts were up. Conan probably grew accustomed to the congratulatory fruit baskets and Post-Its on his windshield saying ‘Can’t wait for ’09. Keep Smiling’! Now the fruit and love notes have stopped because they all wish they’d just signed Jay Leno on for more years and left Conan sobbing into the inflatable raft his giant head uses as a pillow.  

Despite the fact that Jay Leno’s jokes are so predictable and mainstream that we have to re-grow brain cells that have died from boredom, Jay Leno’s ratings are through the roof. He’s the highest rated late night talk show host. We know, we know. We were astonished as well that it was Jay and not Jimmy Kimmel that topped the list. But said ratings have created a great deal of courting for Jay Leno from big name networks like ABC and Fox.     

So, what will Jay decide to do with so many delicious career options on his plate? Besides eating them, that is. Nobody knows yet. Leno’s lawyer, said:  

“Jay will of course honour his contract obligations to NBC. Jay isn’t talking to anyone about anything and won’t be until it’s contractually proper.” 

That’s right, he will honour his obligations and at the contractually proper time he’ll make his decision rolling around in piles of money while wearing a money-suit and smoking money cigars. Probably piles of about $40 million a year, in fact.

 Still, it baffles us that Jay Leno is so popular. Maybe everyone’s afraid to not laugh. Maybe they think if they don’t laugh, people will say their prejudice against jutted-chinned people with lisps and will have to go to prejudiced-person rehab like Isaiah Washington and Mel Gibson. Yeesh.   

Read more: 

Jay Leno Hunted By Network Companies – Eflux

Well, just you wait, because soon there will be – Oprah Winfrey and Discovery have announced that they're teaming up to launch OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network, completely dedicated to Oprah Winfrey.

Although details are scant at the moment, early Oprah Winfrey Network shows are thought to include Obey Oprah, Do Exactly As Oprah Says All The Time and The Remember That Oprah is Your All Powerful Leader And Non-Believers Will Be Crushed Coffee And Chat Fun Hour.

These days you can get TV networks dedicated to anything, as the existence of UKTV Old Discarded Shoes You Sometimes Find On Railway Bridges On Wednesdays When It's Raining Slightly proves only too well. And yet nobody has dedicated an entire TV network to Oprah Winfrey before, which seems odd to say the least.

Because, you see, Oprah Winfrey has made a success of every other medium she's appeared in. Oprah's syndicated talkshow is so popular that if she did a feature on cramming your mouth full of live birds, you'd instantly see millions of dumpy housewives with feathers poking out of their mouths.

Oprah's magazine has more subscribers that all religious texts in history. Oprah's website is so popular that one day it'll go bad and hold the world to ransom like in The Terminator. Oprah's radio station, well, let's not pretend we've actually listened to that. We're only human after all.

But our point is that it's borderline inconceivable that there isn't a 24 TV network purely devoted to Oprah Winfrey. Luckily, though, Oprah Winfrey and Discovery have changed that, as the New York Times reports:

Ms. Winfrey and Discovery Communications said on Tuesday that they would jointly create OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network, a cable television channel to make its debut in 2009 on what is now the Discovery Health Channel. Discovery Health is available in more than 70 million homes. The new channel will not initially carry “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” the top-rated syndicated daytime talk show featuring Ms. Winfrey as host. But Ms. Winfrey said that she had the option to end that show in 2010 or 2011 and could move the talk show to the new channel then. “Eventually that will happen, we hope,” Ms. Winfrey said.

So it's official – Oprah Winfrey is now more important than health. But what kind of shows can we expect to see on the Oprah Winfrey Network? Well, as well as keeping her non-lesbian lover friend Gayle King in permanent employment, perhaps OWN will go some way to demystifying Oprah Winfrey the person.

Maybe there'll be Oprah Winfrey-fronted workshops full of practical advice, like how to properly respond when girls get sexually abused at that school you built or how to kick up a stink when a French boutique won't open especially for you even though you're Oprah Winfrey from the telly. 

But until the Oprah Winfrey Network gets a dedicated audience, it'd be wise not to blow too much money on it. That's why, to save money, for the first six months of broadcast, 23 hours of OWN's day will consist of nothing but a close-up image of Oprah Winfrey's fire-eyed face in front of a rotating Archimedes spiral along with murmured instructions that everything will be OK if you just accept Oprah Winfrey as your supreme cosmic dictator.

Still, sounds better than Dave +1. 

Read more:

Oprah Winfrey and Discovery to Create New Cable Network – New York Times