9 – Suri Cruise: adorable or just a liiiitle bit creepy? – Bestweekever

8 - A list about Arrested Development, which automatically makes it a very good list indeed - Interestment

7 - Some bloke we’ve never heard of says he’s better in bed than some woman we’ve never heard of says he is – AmyGrindhouse

6 - An entire podcast about Bruce Forsyth. You heard – WatchWithMothers

5 – A promise: this talking piano will be the most terrifying thing you’ll see all day – Geekologie

4 - A Chromeo widget that’ll keep you entertained for anything up to a minute – MyChemicalToilet

3 – Do you want to listen to songs from Cheryl Cole’s new album, even though they’re not particularly good? Well tough. Listen to them. LISTEN TO THEM – Popsugar

2 - It’s National Chocolate Week. So, you know, go and win some chocolate – DomesticSluttery

1 - Question: can a dustbin confuse idiots? Answer: well, yes, obviously…

And it’s all down to Suri Cruise. You see, the effect of Suri Cruise on Katie Holmes has been enormous. So big that Katie Holmes has just become the first mother in all of history to publicly state that she quite likes her child.

It goes further. Katie Holmes has called being a mother ‘the most important job in the world’. Take that Ban Ki-moon, and don’t come back until you’ve learnt how to cook fish fingers for crying ungrateful brats.

We haven’t heard a great deal from Katie Holmes recently. Is this because she’s been busy in New York starring in All My Sons? Possibly. Is it because Tom Cruise has reduced her daily allowance of moisture and daylight because of perceived insubordination regarding a pithy comment about Xenu? There’s a chance of that, yes.

But we like to think that it’s because Katie Holmes has been hard at work studying the entire history of philosophy in order to come up with a profoundly original take on motherhood in western civilisation at the turn of the 21st century. She’s certainly been doing some of that, because only someone well-versed in Utilitarianism and Kant’s system of Deontological ethics could come out with something as stunningly intellectual as this:

“[Motherhood] has been the most amazing experience – in an instant you become strong. You have to be a little bit wiser; it’s the most important job in the world.”

Did you hear that? Katie Holmes actually seems to like her own child. Incredible – we assumed that all mothers hated the sight of their children so much that they locked them in the cupboard and fed them pieces of metal until they were 10. Wow, she sure taught us.

And it’s good to see that Katie Holmes thinks being a mother is the most important job in the world. Not because she’s wrong or anything – although, you know -  but because if acting was the most important job in the world then she’d have been sacked for gross incompetency shortly after Mad Money came out.

While she was bravely pioneering this new ‘mothers sometimes don’t find their children hideous’ school of thought, Katie Holmes also had words for those cruel people who said mean things about Suri Cruise after she was born, like that she didn’t exist or that she’d had skin pigmentation treatment because she’d really been adopted from Uganda and didn’t look a thing like Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes. Or that she was a robot. Or a koala. Anyway, here’s what Katie Holmes said:

“Why don’t you come over and have dinner? See what there is to see.”

Oh God, Katie Holmes totally just invited us to her house for dinner! Katie, Tom, we’d love to. We’ll be at yours at six. We’ll eat anything you like, although if there could be a side order of pieces of metal we’d be most grateful.

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However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual ‘10 Hottest Tots’ lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.

And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.

This is turning out to be quite the year for the stars of hopeless pre-9/11 ‘terrorists are cool’ movie Swordfish. Halle Berry was named the sexiest women alive last month and Hugh Jackman was named the sexiest man alive yesterday. But sadly Swordfish can’t make the hat-trick, because it didn’t have any sexy children in it.

No, not sexy. Powerful. We meant powerful. Swordfish didn’t have any powerful children in it. If only they’d thought to prenatally cast young Suri Cruise in it, glory would have been theirs alone.

That’s because Suri Cruise has been named by Forbes magazine as the most powerful celebrity child aged under five on Earth in a slightly inappropriate-seeming list entitled ‘10 Hottest Tots’. Reuters explains why:

Suri received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown child and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles, which can help shape public opinion about her parents while also fuelling demand for what she wears, plays with and eats.

You see, Suri Cruise isn’t just the suspiciously adorable child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nor an everlasting monument to Katie Holmes’ stolen pre-marital virginity, nor a tiny bag of skin who has already gained more household rights than her mother, including reduced cage-time, access to water that doesn’t necessarily come from a rabbit feeder and the right to briefly look Tom Cruise in the eye when speaking to him. Suri Cruise is an opinion former.

We’re not entirely sure what this means – perhaps she’ll get her own E! reality show soon, or maybe she’ll start publishing her own Oprah-style vanity magazine – but magazine editors are already suggesting that Suri Cruise will become even more famous in the coming year. That’s partly because people would rather look at pictures of cute toddlers than fret about their lack of money, and partly because they really want Suri Cruise to understand that her life will peak at the age of two and the rest of her time on Earth will basically be a grey icy relentless downward slope to death.

But if Suri Cruise is number one, what of the other nine of the top 10 hottest tots named by Forbes? Well, OK, since you asked:

2 – Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

3 – Zahara Jolie-Pitt

4 – Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt

5 – Sam Alexis Woods

6 – Cruz Beckham

7 – Matilda Rose Ledger

8 – David Banda

9 – Sean Preston Federline

10 – Sam Sheen

We know what you’re thinking. No, not that someone should inform the Monopolies Commission about all the Jolie-Pitt kids fouling up the top 10, but how disappointing it is that Matilda Rose Ledger is languishing down in seventh place.

Really Matilda, we know your father died this year in tragic circumstances, but we’re really starting to think that you don’t care about how hot Forbes magazine thinks you are. It’s a disgrace. Buck up your ideas next time, you stupid three-year-old idiot.

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