9 – Jordan & Peter Andre: They’re still at it, you know – AmyGrindhouse

8 - Goodness. Our pals Interestment were on the telly this week. Look – BBC

7 - The Lovely Bones: good if you like to see Mark Wahlberg wearing clothes from the 1970s – ClothesOnFilm

6 – The Pixar lamp: what a bastard – BestWeekEver

5 – South America + Africa = GIANT DINOSAUR HEAD! - Geekologie

4 - When TV news captions go wrong – Buzzfeed

3 - This photo is entitled ‘Daddy Didn’t Hug Me’ – I Am Bored

2 - All the hot Strictly Come Dancing news, from the midget and the prostitutey one – Popsugar

1 – Next from Spike Jonze: Everybody Poops…

While Simon Cowell prepares to spend the late Summer/Early Autumn explaining to people with special needs that while they might be special, it’s not the good singing special that he’s after, the Strictly Come Dancing judges have already vetted their contestants, fishing instead from the very deep waters of minor celebrity.

Allow us to introduce the sixteen famous faces preparing to show the exact contours of their crotches to the nation…

Zoe Lucker

This year’s mid-30s representative, Zoe already knows what it feels like to be a big winner – she picked up a gong at the TV Quick Awards a few years back for playing a WAG. In real life she has hair as blonde as Lawrence of Arabia’s pubes.

Joe Calzaghe

Normally when Joe Calzaghe takes centre stage, it’s to punch someone as much as possible in the face until they fall over, so the producers have taken the precaution of teaming him up with the one who looks like Dolph Lundgren playing a prostitute. She was John Sergeant’s “partner” last year.

Ricky Groves

One of two Albert Square representatives, Ricky is already the second favourite to lose the entire series. No one from EastEnders has made much of a dent on proceedings since barrel-chested Sharon proved that even the most clumsily assembled bodies can be capable of expressing love to classical music.

Lynda Bellingham

Fans of adverts will remember Lynda as the gravel-voiced 60-a-day mum on the gravy commercials. She proved that a small powdery cube can work wonders on a lasagne. But will people be equally impressed when she accidentally flashes her wrinkly thighs whilst gingerly attempting a tango? Or will the nation be dry puking and shouting for water?

Rav Wilding

If you watch Crimewatch, you’ll already be familiar with Rav. He’s this year’s cherubic beefcake, whose job it is to win over unhappy wives by ignoring convention and slowly pelvic thrusting into camera one, causing a sudden tightening in Bruno’s trousers.

Phil Tufnell

Make no mistake, Tufnell will be a horrible ballroom dancer. Anyone who saw his skin-tight lack of co-ordination on Hole In The Wall will already be very familiar with his lurching ways. Expect him and Len to descend into much “oi oi” barrow boy talk, if only to prove that this glitzy stuff isn’t just for posh gay people.

Martina Hingis

As an ex-tennis player, and one-time suspected cocaine head, Martina will not be short of confidence. Already cleverly dubbed “Hing-er Rogers”, her pushy mum will probably be ever present, silently pumping her fists in amongst the cheerful studio audience who just went along for a laugh.

Ricky Whittle

Ricky, for those of you who don’t know, is in Hollyoaks – the drama series following the rise and fall of Tony the chef. He plays Jambo’s older brother Perseus. We think. We don’t watch Hollyoaks. Not any more.

Ali Bastion

Like Ricky, Ali was once in Hollyoaks too. We did watch it then. She was the one who nailed Justin Burton in the sixth form common room, then got done for murder. Or something. But will she be nailing anyone underage in the Strictly Come Dancing studio? You’ll have to watch to find out.

Natalie Cassidy

Cassidy played a cruel trick on the world when she toned up her body, but refused to improve her face, causing a slurry of male anticipation followed by fury as they eyeballed her taut impressive curves, then finally twigged that it was Sonia from EastEnders. She has since wised up and piled it all back on. Equilibrium restored.

Chris Hollins

No one knows who Chris Hollins is. Even amongst his own, he is considered only a minor family member. To remedy this, the brains behind the show have teamed him up with Ola, the slutty one who likes to dance with her genitals almost showing.

Laila Rouass

Unless you’re a big Footballers Wives fan, you’re going to be a bit lost this year. That’s where Laila really made a firm impression as an actress, although she was once in an episode of Family Affairs as well. She played Tanya Ayuba. Great times.

Jade Johnson

This year’s sexy athlete is Jade Johnson, who has made a big name for herself by jumping enormous distances into a sand pit wearing just some knickers, an athletic vest, some shoes with spikes on them, and presumably some socks. Unlike that South African bloke who won the running race, Jade definitely doesn’t have a cock.

Richard Dunwoody

A former jockey, who famously rode Desert Orchid to victory in some race, Richard will be hoping to bring out a similarly great performance when he’s riding Lilia Kopylova around the shiny dance floor, hysterically smacking her bottom in front of a startled studio audience.

Craig Kelly

Once of Queer as Folk, now of Corrie, Craig has obviously decided to quash any possible gay rumours by butching it up on Strictly Come Dancing. Another one guaranteed to muster an impressive Bruno erection.

Jo Wood

Ronnie Wood’s estranged wife has decided to show the world that she can cope after being dumped for a tiny Russian girl by awkwardly attempting a waltz with bad boy of ballroom dancing, Brendan Cole. Ronnie will be too busy having unbelievable life-affirming intercourse to notice.

This was a wonderful guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment. Yay he.

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This season of Strictly Come Dancing has had everything – shock resignations, judge in-fighting, humiliatingly credibility-obliterating phone vote cock-ups and, um, Gillian Taylforth. And that’s literally it. We’ll miss you Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least we would if Dancing On Ice wasn’t starting in about a bloody fortnight. Sheesh.

So, can Rachel Stevens win the Strictly Come Dancing final? Here’s her recap…

Rachel Stevens – Even though they’re both about three feet tall and share the personality of a retired chartered accountant from Stevenage, Rachel Stevens and her partner are the lookers of this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Their sexiness is paramount to their Strictly Come Dancing chances, so imagine our horror on Saturday when Rachel’s partner unveiled his new beard. Well, we say ‘beard’ but that’s only because a word has yet to be invented that can fully convey the horror of the wispy public fluff that Rachel’s partner had strapped to his chin for Saturday’s show. Would it affect their chances of making the Strictly Come Dancing final?

Well, no, thanks to the rubbishy ‘everyone’s in the final!’ twist that Strictly Come Dancing pulled at the end of the results show, Rachel Stevens and her partner would have made the final even if he’d got his knob out and scrawled ‘WHITE RULE’ across his face with a marker pen. And, in a way, that’s probably for the best – Rachel’s first dance was an Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry that was technically decent but about as sexy as an episode of How It’s Made. Rachel’s second dance was an American Smooth that was so slow it felt like we’d downed three bottles of Night Nurse before watching it. Which we had, but that’s beside the point. But who cares what we think? Chances are Rachel’s going to win the sodding thing on Saturday, isn’t she? Isn’t she? Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 75

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. Saturday will be the culmination of half a year’s training for Lisa Snowdon, Tom Chambers and Rachel Stevens, and only one can win it. Unless, you know, the BBC makes the last-minute decision that they’ve all won and, instead of a final dance-off, Tess Daly just rolls around in everyone’s phone-vote money cackling like a witch. That seems to be the done thing these days.

So can Tom Chambers win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s his recap…

Tom Chambers – When a reality TV show like Strictly Come Dancing reaches its final stages, it’s highly important that the contestants can reflect on their ‘journey’ as a life-changing experience, and that’s what Tom Chambers did on Saturday’s show – calling it “the greatest chapter of my life”. Admittedly that’s because most of the other chapters in Tom Chambers’ life have involved Holby City, and so a chapter that involved nothing but being bitten on the cock by a laboratory monkey would still qualify as the greatest of his life. But, with this in mind, Tom Chambers was bound to give the Strictly Come Dancing performances of his life on Saturday, because it just meant that much to him. Right?

Nope. Instead Tom Chambers dressed up as one of those Quality Streets that always gets left at the bottom of the tin and did a limp little Jive to Waterloo that walked the line between earnest and crap so perfectly that it was like watching the winners of Britain’s Got Incredibly Annoying Stage School Children, if such a thing even exists. Was Tom saving up the good stuff for his Strictly Come Dancing Argentine Tango to Por Una Cabeza? Nope. The dance mainly consisted of Tom Chambers standing completely still while his partner showed off her legs in an unconvincingly slutty way. Nevertheless, one Strictly Come Dancing judge told Tom that the dance was like “moving through mercury.” We don’t know what that means exactly, but Wikipedia suggests that she might have started bleeding from gums and suddenly became depressed for no reason while watching it. Hey, us too! Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 67

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

And that’s to make such a bodge of the scoring system that nobody gets eliminated. Wonderful. Thanks to a ridiculous cock-up, nobody got voted off Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday night, which means we wasted an evening that could have spend doing something more worthwhile like, say, eating a pair of shoes or committing arson.

But, despite this monumental balls-up, the Strictly Come Dancing final still takes place on Saturday, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – The Strictly Come Dancing finalists all want to win for different reasons – Rachel Stevens wants to be famous again, for instance, and Tom Chambers just wants never to go back to Holby City again – but it’s much more personal for Lisa Snowdon. You see, Lisa Snowdon just wants to be liked by people who aren’t a) her direct relatives or b) stars of the movie Leatherheads. It’s this manic quest for approval that’s caused Lisa Snowdon to approach Strictly Come Dancing like a flinty-eyed Terminator, and it seems to be working out quite well for her.

On Saturday, Lisa’s first dance was an Argentine Tango. Since it was a dance that her partner had never even tried before, the chances of it going belly-up were huge – but fortunately the pair of them did lots of research beforehand. Sadly, though, it seems like their research just consisted of watching a couple of porno movies, because the dance was just uncomfortably filthy from beginning to end. So will that performance make sure that people end up liking Lisa Snowdon? We’re going to guess not, because Lisa’s second dance was a Quickstep that got a perfect score from the Strictly Come Dancing judges. Usually that’d be a happy occasion, but not for Lisa Snowdon – she reacted to each 10 card like they were pictures of her immediate family getting machinegunned by Sri Lanken child soldiers. Lisa – that’s not how we make friends, is it? Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 75

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

Oh, who are we kidding, of course the Strictly Come Dancing semi-final is going to be exciting. There’ll be thrills, there’ll be spills and – now that Austin Healey isn’t part of the show any more – there won’t be any little midgets screaming “OLE!” all the time. That qualifies as exciting, right? Yes?

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens – Last week Rachel Stevens found herself in the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off again, and event that usually sparks off days of sobbing and soul-searching and God knows what else. And it did, only this time it wasn’t Rachel doing the crying – it was her silly little dance partner. As we all know, a partnership where Rachel Stevens is required to be the emotional crutch is doomed, and so the pair of them really needed to dance their socks off to make up for this abominable lack of stability.

And, what do you know, Rachel Stevens actually managed to dance pretty well on Saturday’s show. Her best dance by far was her first, a Tango to Here Comes The Rain Again. The dance required her to be wooden, robotic and personality-free, and she managed it. Rachel Stevens without a personality? What will they think of next? Rachel’s second dance wasn’t too far off in terms of quality, either – it was a Cha Cha Cha to Signed Sealed Delivered, which was actually fairly decent even though Rachel couldn’t stop groping herself during it and the entirety of our notes for the performance comprised of the words ‘SHIT CUTE WAVE not much else’. You may mail us the Nobel Prize for Literature whenever you like. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 76

Next week: We’ll get you ready for the Strictly Come Dancing final. Whether you like it or not.

So let’s reflect on the series so far. We’ve had new professional dancers, in the shape of Kristina and that sleazy-looking American bloke. We’ve had the biggest scandal of Strictly Come Dancing history with John Sergeant’s resignation and, in “I am not doddery, doddery I am not,” we’ve reached the part of Bruce Forsyth’s career where he discovers irony. We give it seven out of ten.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

Tom Chambers – As we all, know, Tom Chambers is only in Strictly Come Dancing for one reason, and that’s because of his ability to pull facial expressions that make him look like Mr Bean in a centrifuge. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if Tom is going to win Strictly Come Dancing, he needs to make sure that his partner is just as committed to the art of pulling bizarre, borderline-nightmarish faces as he is. And, heavens, did she ever pull it out of the bag on Saturday’s show.

We’re not talking about Tom’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine – a Rumba to You Needed Me that was so overwhelmingly lacking in any kind of intimacy that it at times looked like a little boy being forced to dance with his auntie at a family reunion, apart from the part at the end where Tom got to bury his face in her tit, which probably doesn’t happen too often in the aunt/nephew dynamic – but his first dance. That was a Foxtrot to Here You Come Again, and Tom Chambers’ partner managed to blow away the competition in terms of face-pulling by doing a perfect impression of a village idiot winning a milk bottle cap at a summer fete. It was beautiful – so beautiful that it actually made Tom Chambers cry. It was definitely his partner’s face that did that. Definitely. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 73

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

There are just three dancers left on Strictly Come Dancing, and it’s impossible to guess who’ll win at the moment. Unless you guess that Rachel Stevens is going to win, and then you’ve probably guessed correctly. But anyway, shh.

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – On behalf of the universe, we’d just like to thank anyone who voted for Lisa Snowdon on last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, because it kept her out of the dance-off and therefore spared us another endless round of needy, self-pitying tears. Instead we got a round of needy gratitude tears which was either better, worse or exactly the same. We’ve long since lost the ability to work these things out. But anyway – Lisa Snowdon’s Strictly Come Dancing routines.

Lisa’s first dance was a Waltz to He Was Beautiful that was completely boring, featured excessive moments of overwrought face-touching and all kinds of arbitrary applause from the audience. However, the Strictly Come Dancing judges more or less masturbated themselves silly over it, and the stage was set for the second dance – a Jive to Crocodile Rock, of all things. And it was weird – all hunched over, full of self-consciously wacky facial expressions and so frantic that it left Lisa Snowdon looking like a hyperventilating Terrahawk afterwards. The Jive didn’t go down so well with the Strictly Come Dancing judges, and her partner got his knickers in a twist about it. But, hey, at least this means there’s one person on earth who cares about Lisa Snowdon. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 72

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

And by that we mean that Austin Healey was eliminated from the show last night. And, obviously, when we say that Austin Healey was a Strictly Come Dancing front-runner, we mean that he’s clearly completely in love with himself, the puffed-up little rugby twerp.

So, Austin Healey is out of Strictly Come Dancing, but why? Well, here’s his recap…

Austin Healey – A few weeks ago it looked as if Austin Healey was going to win Strictly Come Dancing hands down. Not any more, though – not only had his stupid little Napoleon strut been replaced by a constant off-putting look of try-hard desperation, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t like the fact that his muscles prevented him from holding his hands above his head properly. Not only did that make him a dancer of limited ability, but it’d also make him crap in a hostage situation, and that’d never do. So, on Saturday, Austin Healey needed to pull something special out of the bag to keep him in the running. Did he?

In a word, no. Austin’s first Strictly Come Dancing routine was an American Smooth to, ironically, The Best Is Yet To Come which should have been spectacular – he was easily strong enough to carry off the lifts and his partner had even dressed up as an exploded parrot especially – but it just seemed a little drab. The judges told Austin that it wasn’t ‘Hollywood’ enough, which we’re taking to mean that Austin didn’t Botox his face into an immobile frightmask and there wasn’t a 20-minute Scientology pamphleting interlude. Austin’s second dance was a Salsa where, aside from his partner trying so hard to draw attention to her boobs that she may as well have magic markered a dirty great arrow pointing to them on her chin, Austin Healey mainly dry-retched a lot. The two may not be unconnected. Anyway, bye. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 70

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon.

But don’t be miserable, because Strictly Come Dancing still has an hour and a half of screentime to fill up on Saturday, and there are only four dancers left. You know what that means? Twelve dances each and training montages that last until everyone wants to kill themselves. Hooray!

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

Tom Chambers – In the week leading up to Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Tom Chambers got the flu and lost his voice, something that seemed to transform him into Marco Pierre White for no reason we could properly ascertain. But since Jodie Kidd was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing in her week of illness, Tom trained extra hard to make sure that he didn’t repeat her fate. And so, for his Waltz to Moon River, Tom Chambers knuckled down, rehearsed his socks off and even wore a special long jacket just to make himself look even more dashing than usual. Did it work?

No, because – although we didn’t really notice it – the Strictly Come Dancing judges quickly leapt on the fact that Tom’s arse stuck out like a baboon with haemorrhoids farting at the moon. We’re paraphrasing. And Tom Chambers’ second Strictly Come Dancing routine didn’t fare any better, because he had to follow Austin Healey’s roaring, over the top, overcompensatingly macho Paso Doble. And he followed it with a Samba to Mr Melody – literally the campest dance anyone has ever attempted to literally the campest song ever recorded. True, it did look like a professional dance – it’s just that the professional dance in question was the Regional East Anglia Latin Disco Quarter Finals 1976. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 70

Next week – more!

Back? Good. We’re so excited about Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because the standard of competition is now so high. Honestly, if we didn’t know that Lisa Snowdon will get voted off on Sunday, the tension would be killing us.

But until then, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healey…

Austin Healey – Now, look, Austin Healey has been slipping down the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard for a couple of weeks, so he obviously needed something really special to pull out of the bag on Saturday’s show to help him claw his way back to the top again. Could it be his Foxtrot to L-O-V-E? Well, it ditched all the ridiculous shimmery tittedness of his performance last week in favour of something less try-hard, something more subtle and nuanced and, yes, classy. But that wasn’t it.

No, Austin was storing up his energy for his second Strictly Come Dancing performance – a Paso Doble to Espana Cani that was perhaps the single most ridiculous thing we’ve ever witnessed in our entire lives. Rather than dance, Austin Healey undid his shirt, bellowed “OLE!” every two or three seconds and stomped around like a slightly xenophobic cartoon bull. He didn’t even dance during the routine – he just jumped around angrily shouting “HA!” in pretty much the same way that you would if you trod on some Lego barefoot first thing in the morning. It was powerful, yes, but it was also unbelievably stupid and so gay that you could ice a cake with it. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 74

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

Actually, we’ve noticed a horrifying trend in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. John Sergeant left Strictly Come Dancing and he released a Christmas single. Christine Bleakley left Strictly Come Dancing and she released a Christmas single. So here’s the plan – let’s make Rachel Stevens win Strictly Come Dancing, because the last thing we need is any more hapless wailing coming out of her gob. OK?

Good. Then here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – Nobody likes Lisa Snowdon. That’s a simple fact. She’s been in so many consecutive Strictly Come Dancing dance-offs that we’ve literally lost count (yes, we can’t count any higher than two. Deal with it). But at least Lisa Snowdon is sensible and professional enough to realise that she shouldn’t get upset just because a bunch of Saturday teatime idiots aren’t voting for her in a dancing competition and… no, wait, no – Lisa Snowdon literally did nothing but cry throughout her entire Strictly Come Dancing training last week. Pathetic, we know, but let’s think positive – this is the first recorded instance of Lisa Snowdon being anything other than a steely-eyed self-infatuated robot since George Clooney first decided that he didn’t have anything better to do than have sex with her.

As for Lisa Snowdon’s Strictly Come Dancing performances, her first routine was a Foxtrot to Walking My Baby Back Home that managed to walk the fine line between unremarkable and flat-out desperate. It was boring, mostly because nobody has ever danced an interesting Foxtrot since time began, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges went slightly loopy over it regardless. Lisa’s second dance was Cha Cha Cha which was remarkable, but only because Lisa had actually killed and skinned Animal from The Muppets and wore the remains as her costume, and her partner seemed as if he was deliberately trying to offend Polio sufferers by lurching around the floor in a funny way. All in all, though, Lisa Snowdon ended up top of the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, and that helped her avoid the dance-off. But only that. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 76

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healey.

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.

As everyone knows, the traditional figurehead of Christmas is a jolly old fat bloke who can just about manage a single day’s worth of strenuous activity a year before needing to take several months off afterwards to recuperate. Everyone loves him, even though he looks like he’s enjoyed so much free booze and food in his life that he could keel over clutching his chest any minute.

But enough about John Sergeant, Christmas is also about Santa Claus, too.

John Sergeant’s talent for dancing like a hobbled pensioner trying to discharge himself from hospital without anyone noticing meant that he quickly became the people’s champion on Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least he was before he decided that he didn’t like lady Scousers with faces like sunken bread dough being nasty to him and resigned from the show in a flounce a couple of weeks ago.

But that happened a couple of weeks ago – a lifetime in reality TV shows. Now the people’s champion is Martina Navratilova or that bloke from Dollar or any number of the utterly interchangeable WAGs on I’m Not A Celebrity But I Still Expect You To Care About Me, and that leaves John Sergeant in something of a pickle.

With all the public goodwill towards him evaporating at a devastating rate, John Sergeant knows that he has to make a bold move to stem the tide; an all or nothing roll of the dice that will either consolidate his fame for years to come or see him wheeled out to the dustbin like a pile of broken-veined rubbish. So that’s what he’s done. And, as the News Of The World reports, the result literally doesn’t make any sense at all:

Strictly hero John Sergeant has swapped Cha Cha Cha for La La La – and recorded a SONG in a bid to be the Christmas No1. We can reveal that the flat-footed political journalist has teamed up with Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley of The One Show to make the charity single. An insider said: “John is such hot property right now and The One Show is delighted to have him involved. As for whether his singing is better than his dancing, the great British public will ultimately decide that.”

Oh, brilliant – a Christmas single. A Christmas single performed by the dreary-voiced man who used to be on the news and the dreary-voiced man who does the pointless show that comes after The Apprentice that reminds everyone exactly what happened on the episode of The Apprentice that they were just watching. Singing a song that reminds people about human suffering. Sounds like a winner to us.

Actually that’s slightly unfair of us – we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet, so for all we know it might be brilliant. To be fair, the primary reason we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet is because it almost certainly won’t be brilliant and we’ll end up wanting to hang ourselves by the start of the second verse, but still. Christmas, eh?

Read more:

Top Of The Chops – News Of The World

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens – Good news everyone! A week ago on Strictly Come Dancing, Rachel Stevens got a perfect score! Hooray! That means she’d finally get to pack in all the sobbing and wailing and crap for a change, right? Right? Well, um, no. Instead, Rachel Stevens managed to beat the odds and cry even more than ever, because she was happy about getting a perfect score. So that’s happiness and sadness that Rachel Stevens responds to by weeping like a tossbucket – in fact, we’re starting to think that the only emotion that doesn’t inspire floods and floods of tears from Rachel is mild wonder. Our point? That Rachel Stevens is an idiot.

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. On Saturday Rachel Stevens danced a waltz, which was boring because it was a waltz. She’s clearly put some effort in – making sure that even in her conservative dress she had her back out and a giant cleavage dangling off her front, and realising that closing your eyes and sighing during a dance makes the Strictly Come Dancing judges double their scores, but it was boring. Rachel’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Paso Doble, which mainly tended to involve Rachel Stevens standing around looking a bit bored while her Italian midget partner flapped a cape around like he was trying to put out a burning puppy. Oh, and she almost fell over. But what she lost in technique she gained in fleshcount – her outfit showed off her gut, tits, legs and probably her bumhole too if there weren’t laws against that sort of thing. Total Strictly Come Dancing Score – 71

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing is going to be one of the hardest-fought yet, and we can’t wait. Mainly it’s because Lisa Snowdon will probably get voted into the dance-off again and she’ll cry, and we get off on watching broken women. Seriously. We do. We’re not joking. We actually do.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey…

Rachel Stevens – After getting the highest Strictly Come Dancing score of the series last week, a brand new Rachel Stevens was unveiled – one who doesn’t cry all the sodding time and hardly wears any clothes because she knows that tits have a greater say than ability. However, on Saturday Rachel Stevens performed a Foxtrot to Close To You, which made it very hard for Rachel to wear the smallest scrap of spandex imaginable and wriggle around like a stripper with internal parasites. So Rachel had to fall back on Plan B, which involved actual dancing.

Ignoring the weird part of her training where all her female friends visited her in training dressed in unitards and tutus and seemed to communicate exclusively with one another in dolphinsong, Rachel’s routine was actually very good. At least we’re told it was – the Strictly Come Dancing judges basically creamed themselves silly over it, saying “I’m afraid… close to perfect, strictly, something special!” – but we found that during the performance we ended up sort of drifting off and examining our socks in a  hitherto unknown level of detail. Still, it looks like Rachel Stevens has become the one to beat. Which is funny, because Jo O’Meara was always the one from S Club 7 that we wanted to beat. Strictly Come Dancing score – 40

Austin Healey – Now that Rachel Stevens is starting to inch ahead of Austin Healey in the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, Austin’s decided to pull out all the stops to win the public over. And while that’s something that John Sergeant did with natural grace and charm, Austin’s decided to do it with overwhelming gayness. Not only did Austin dance the Cha Cha Cha – the gayest dance of all, remember – on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, but he decided to dance it to It’s Raining Men.

Could Austin get any gayer? Why yes he could – his outfit was a modified version of the infamous Mark Foster rapey teabag from a few weeks back. However, it doesn’t matter how gay the peripheries of the dance was – Austin Healey managed to blow it by acting like a stereotypical heterosexual man in the performance itself. Admittedly it was the sort of heterosexual man who’s a bit in love with himself and tends to pin girls to walls against their will in nightclubs at 2am, but it still counts. The Strictly Come Dancing judges chose to overlook this gruesome unpleasantness, though, merely calling it “the cheekiest Cha Cha I have seen, Suggestive gyration, full of!”. Oh, and Austin Healey actually dislocated his finger during the dance, then popped it back in in front of the cameras. Because he’s a bloke, yeah. He might be dressed like one of Wayne Rooney’s whore’s thighs, but he’s definitely not a bender. Understand? Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Next week. More of this nonsense, really.