Do you remember the days when standing ovations meant something? When the simple act of standing up and doing some clapping meant you'd seen something really truly fantastic? Yes? Well, last night?s Strictly Come Dancing was out to crush those memories. Crush them to pieces.
Because last night wasn?t just any Strictly. No, it was the semi-final, which meant that the five remaining ?celebrities? had to dance twice and the audience had to give every single last one of the performances a standing ovation just to really destroy any meaning the tradition may have once had. They even gave Alex Jones two ovations. Alex Jones.
Yes, that's right, she was still there.
It turns out that the producers don't believe in ?foregone conclusions? and so still made the poor girl perform her two dances even though everyone knew she'd be going home at the end of the weekend. They should?ve just let her save her energy so she could use it to try and muster up some personality.
But no, those evil nasty producers forced James Jordan to drag her around the dancefloor twice; once in what was meant to be a waltz, and once in an impression of a samba. Neither of them were particularly good, but everyone stood up anyway. Perhaps the producers had electrified the audience’s chairs? That completely explains it.
Also spectacularly subtle were the songs that Harry McFly and partner Aliona danced to. First up they did a Charleston to a song about being ?wild about Harry?, and then they waltzed to ?This Year?s Love?. We think they might have been trying to tell us something. Y?know, just in case we hadn?t picked up on the ridiculous sexual tension.
The judges clearly weren't bothered with the subliminal messaging and gossip-mongering though, as they actually paid attention to the dancing. The fools. Apparently it was absolutely faeces-hot though, as Harry scored 39 out of 40 on both dances and promptly topped the leaderboard. ?Which was nice for him. But probably gut-boilingly annoying for Chelsee.
Chelsee, you see, managed to get herself the first 40 of the series with her paso doble, despite spending the entire first part looking quite a lot like she was going to fall over. And yet she had to settle for second on the leaderboard. She got a perfect score, and she was SECOND. It's a cruel, cruel world out there on reality TV.
And yet, somehow, there was more cruelty still to come. Poor Jason found himself getting a perfect score for his Argentine tango and missing out on the accolade and celebration of ?first 40 of the series? through the horrors of running order and the linear nature of time. we're not sure how he?ll ever recover. Especially as he looked like he was about to die on live television after exerting himself a little too much in the pursuit of those pesky 10s. There's every chance his heart will pack up if he ever moves too quickly again. Which could prove problematic.
Somehow magically escaping from this week?s overriding theme of ?cruelty? was Holly Valance. Presumably because having a partner who broke his actual back whilst dancing with you is cruel and horrorful enough. She performed her tango and Charleston without any badness befalling her. Which was a little bit disappointing. Until, of course, the ultimate badness happened and she found herself booted out of the competition, alongside Alex Jones. Who we?d just about remembered.
And so, it's Chelsee, Jason and Harry who?ve made it to the final and will next week be travelling to Blackpool to try and win a great big ugly glitterball. None of which sounds like a prize to us, but each to their stupid, glittery own. We just hope the producers remember to pack their electric chairs. Mostly because we?ll be hanging around the ballroom, waiting to steal them.