Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Befanged, alt.lifestyle tourist, Avril Lavigne, long ago decided that being a skatergirl wasn’t for her because acne, greasy hair and ill-fitting jeans wasn’t at all attractive. And so, she promptly went mental, spat at some photographers and became airbrushed.

Losing her raison d’être, she tottered off into some pop-twilight, only getting column inches for her clearly tedious private life.

Things livened up briefly when she got into a bar-room brawl with some women, which left her bozo hunk of a fella – Brody Jenner (how is that not a girl’s name?) – with a bit gash on his face. No, we’re not talking about him fellating Lavigne. Alas, now, she’s got nothing as the pair have decided to wave ta-ta to their relationship.

A source confirms to E! News (the people who did an amazingly lousy job of covering the Golden Globes) that the cod-rocker and Jenner have split, after courting for almost two years.

The funny thing is, is that shortly after this pair got together, they got tattoos of each other’s names on their pale, healthless skin. It’d be fun watching Lavigne trying to bite said branding off with her weird, pointed teeth.

Alas, the only person Avril has in her life now is her stalker. That’s it. There’s not only someone sad enough to stalk a barely famous person, but now, he’s the leading man in her desperate life.

In fairness, this could get really good for us leeches who write about celeb-misery.

See, when Tatu stopped being famous, they paraded around their videos naked and had photoshoots while naked and pregnant. The more desperate they became, the more outlandish their neediness was.

And so, we hope the same for Avril Lavigne. We fully expect to see some kind of leaked nude (she’s been holding that particular top-trump since she first appeared on the pop radar) and potentially some kind of drink-induced nervous breakdown, before finding solace in rehab (America’s confession booth).

Countdown to Avrilageddon starts…

…NOW!

(Just don’t tell her that Taylor Momsen has already beaten her to every attention seeking trick that a supposedly alt.girl can do, okay?)

Celebrity dregs Kerry Katona has posed in her grundies to show-off the fact that she now weighs marginally less than a manatee.

The mother-of-four blames her previous weight gain on the see-food diet; she saw it, she swallowed it, claiming to have gorged on ‘bread and cheese’.

‘Bread and cheese’, in this instance we hope, actually means she scarfed down insane amounts of pizza and Ginster’s pasties.

The former face of Iceland claims that she lost the weight through detox and exercise, but would have had it siphoned off could she afford the surgery:

“In the past few weeks, my arms have become super toned. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger… but I still hate my stomach. If I could afford it, I’d have a tummy tuck.”

Which suggests that she has lost not only weight, but her memory.

Think back to 2008 and recall the time Kerry was boasting about a £15,000 full-body overhaul in get-your-baps-out-for-the-boys lad’s mag Zoo, which was filmed by MTV.

Kerry’s been under the knife more times than a carvery joint. Any more plastic inserts and she’ll be declared a bio-hazard and buried in a concrete box in a third-world country.

If she’s going to tell fibs, Kezza would be better off trying to convince us that her new body is down to a strange new parasite or wasting disease than her hard work and new-found love of exercise.

RIGHT?

You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.

It simply isn’t fair.

However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.

According to various reports, the Coldplay frontweapon revealed how he had to chuck an intruder out of the garden of his family home that he shares with Gwyneth ‘oh jeez, she’s started singing too’ Paltrow.

This warbling trespasser managed to get into Martin’s garden and started singing Coldplay tracks to his pals who were stood outside the premises.

Martin:

“I had a guy the other day who climbed over the gate of our house and started singing Coldplay songs to his friends on the street.”

He added, showing what a dreadful control-freak bore he is:

“Listen, you’re just not doing that right.”

“He politely left. It was bordering on intrusion. Still, it’s nice that people like the songs.”

A proper celebrity would have attacked them with a shovel handle or sent armed guards to get the stun-guns out, but no, not beige Chris Martin. It’s all Polite This and Excuse Me That.

What a grating loser.

You know what’s great about parents? The fact that, as soon as they produce a child, they somehow become immediately wise. They have a deeper insight into the world around them. They appreciate the nuances of life and…

…who we tryintah kid here? Most parents are gulping twerps.

One such ball-brain is Kerry Katona who has decided to have a go at her ex-husband Brian McFadden (formerly of Westlife, creator of this date-rape abomination which we’ll never stop sharing). Granted, it’s not odd that exes would spar, but for the sake of her children and to show what a good role-model she is, Katona has decided to attack McFadz in the press so everyone can see how ugly their relationship is.

Of course, we only have to look at their faces to know how ugly their relationship was, but beauty is only skin-deep. Ugliness has a root like a mouldy verruca.

So what’s she blarting on about now? Well, instead of ringing McFadden up to see what the craic is, she’s decided to spill her pungent guts to a glossy magazine about it all.

Apparently, he couldn’t be less interested in the two children they had together. While Katona was talking about her plans for Christmas (no free Iceland prawn rings this year for you!), she spat:

“One person I’m not expecting to hear from this Christmas is Brian McFadden,”

“He hardly pays for his kids, he rarely rings his kids and I hope he feels guilty because my four babies are so beautiful, intelligent, funny and amazing and he doesn’t seem to be interested in either Molly or Lilly.”

We eagerly await McFadden’s equally grown-up response to Kerry, probably delivered via his twitter account. It’s the most wonderful tiiiiiime of the year...

Chav icon and astonishing dimwit Kerry Katona, has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!

It seems an American woman, believed to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.

Yes. Really.

Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, Katona strung some words together:

“I was getting dressed and there was a phone call to Max’s company from this lady saying she’d been watching me getting changed.”

“The thing was I had been naked and putting my clothes on minutes before.”

Brrr.

“So I panicked and called the police. But this woman has been annoying us all for weeks now. At the end of the day I’ve got four kids, live in a big house and have to take this sort of thing seriously.”

But Kerry, YOU HAVE BEEN ANNOYING US ALL FOR YEARS AND WE HAVEN’T TAKEN YOU SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO CALL THE POLICE!

Yet. There’s still time readers.

Clifford described the situation as ‘very sad for the lady’ and ‘very scary for Kerry,’ before laughing and riding off into the distance on his diamond horse.

Katona was previously stalked in 2009, when a fan began turning up at her Cheshire mansion after they became Facebook friends. The fan received a warning to stay away from Katona, proving that your friends on Facebook actually hate you and you mean nothing to them.

Kerry said this was the first time she had felt scared about a stalker but is refusing to let it get her down saying:

‘I’m finally getting my life back on track and nothing is going to stand in my way.’

Bother.

Pop scamp Olly Murs has insisted that there’s nothing going on between him and his Xtra Factor co-host Caroline Flack despite there OBVIOUSLY BEING SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN HIM AND HIS XTRA FACTOR CO-HOST CAROLINE FLACK.

The Ex-Factor (hur hur) runner up has flatly stated that his flirty relationship with Ms. Flack is just that. Flirty and there is absolutely nothing going on that in any way involved nights of screaming passion where young Olly needs to “hold onto his stupid-looking trilby hat”.

Absolutely nothing.

Nothing at all.

Even though Olly’s mum found all those condoms under his bed and a little “Caroshrine” in his wardrobe. There’s absolutely nothing going on. Stop suggesting there is. Seriously. He doesn’t like it and neither does Caroline. Probably. No-one thought to ask her.

‘I’ve never snogged her,’ says Olly. ‘I’ve never got hold of her, I’ve never seen her naked.’

Olly’s a sensitive lad and he does prefer for the lights to be switched off when things get intimate although there is no accounting for why he insists on playing Joe McElderry’s version of “The Climb” on repeat. Everyone’s too polite to ask that in interviews.

‘I swear on my family’s life we’re not together!’

There are a lot of literal-minded people in the world and everyone here at hecklerspray hopes that he’s not been playing around with his co-host because we once saw his family on X Factor and they looked like a nice bunch. We’d hate to see them killed by some overly-righteous One Direction fan.

Okay, fine. We know there’s probably nothing going on (right now) because speaking of Wand Erection, the 32 year old Caroline was recently seen ramming her tongue down the throat of the 17 year old “curly-haired one” from One Direction, Harry Styles. Which is totally fine and everyone’s just jealous that she’s so young and is yet still able to “hook up” with someone almost half her age. It’s totally fine. There’s absolutely nothing morally questionable about that. He’s grown up a lot in this past year. He’s a celebrity now, yeah?

Even Olly seems pretty pleased about it. Supposedly the real thing will never live up to the glory of the Caroshrine. He told stunned onlookers,

‘They’re both single so they can do whatever they like. Harry likes older women and he’s always openly spoken to me about how much he likes Caroline.’

Presumably once Harry’s finished his A Levels there will be wedding bells on the horizon. If that’s not enough to make you shudder, we don’t know what is. Still, spare a thought for Olly. It must be hard to have all those women throwing themselves at him.

If you know anything about Selena Gomez – which you don’t because you’re old, infirm and unwilling to keep up with popular culture that lies outside of being old enough to be enjoyed ironically and post-modernly – you’ll know two things about her.

The first is that she’s the beau of singing uterus lining, Justin Bieber. The second is that she’s had more death threats than hot dinners.

However, she’s now received a death-threat that needs to be taken seriously, which means that there’s a very real possibility that she could die. And what, she’s 8 years old or something. Wow. Infanticide. Cheery.

According to grief manufacturers TMZ, Gomez is said to be in “extreme fear”. No, not because she has to sleep with one eye open for fear of Bieber foisting his little hairless member upon her while she sleeps, but rather, because of this death threat.

So bad (well, ‘good’) is the threat that she’s had to obtained a restraining order against 46 year old Thomas Brodnicki. He’s a man with previous. He loves a good stalk.

What he likes more is God talking to him in his broken mind. God apparently ordered him to kill her. Imagine that! God being a needlessly spiteful shite ordering some nutjob to slay anyone who believes in false idols.

JUST IMAGINE.

Brodnicki claims to have travelled from Chicago to Los Angeles to meet her and “visited her workplace at least three times”, according to declarations made in court documents from Selena and her lawyer Blair Berk.

The LAPD are said to be treating the case “extremely seriously” because of Thomas’ history of stalking. And there’s the small matter that he also wanted to “scratch people’s eyes out on the street”.

He’s sounds alright to us. Basically, he’s being talked to by God and is a religious man, so who are we to disagree with his actions and motives, right?

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Hey! It’s Nicolas Cage! He’s the most aspirational man alive! Why? Because if someone with as scant ability like Nic can sustain a lengthy career in Hollywood, then you boy, are able to achieve absolutely anything you put your mind to.

However, you might need a night terror or two to get you there.

See, when he’s not getting arrested for drunkenly brawling with his wife and getting bailed out by Dog The Bounty Hunter, he’s being visited in the dead of night by a grinning stranger hovering over his bed eating ice-cream. For real.

Cage, while talking about his new thriller flick – Trespass – recalled a fabulous night in, screaming under his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles duvet cover.

Now, imagine his speaking voice. Get into character. Now read:

“It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed.”

“I know it sounds funny … but it was horrifying.”

He’s right! It does sound funny! Especially when you do it in his voice.

And his new film is about kidnap, and stars Nicole Kidman and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

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