Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick, The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.

The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.

So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).

Director Marc Webb (apt name! He definitely hasn’t heard that one before) says:

“I think there are a lot of things from the Spider-Man canon that haven’t yet been explored cinematically. This movie really starts off with Peter Parker and his parents, which is something we’ve never really seen before, and I think that was something we were all really interested in exploring as filmmakers.”

Yes, but are we popcorn munching dimwits going to be interested in exploring it as viewers, huh?

Meanwhile, Emma Stone (who will be playing Gwen Stacey – Peter Parker’s other love interest away from the irritating MJ) told fans in Rio de Janeiro that Gwen and Mary Jane Watson (remember, she was played by Kirsten Dunst in the previous films) are “polar opposites,” while Rhys Ifans said in London that his character, Dr. Curt Connors, who becomes the Lizard, has “a very complex and emotional” link to Parker.

The bad news about this film is that it features music from the Rolling Stones and Coldplay.

Anyway, you have a look at this teaser and make your own stupid minds up. We’re sick of constantly wiping your arses for you and telling you what to think.

Seriously. Grow up.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 3D – Official Trailer /… by Lyricis

2011 appears to be the year of the big budget comic book movie. When it comes to adaptations of graphic novels, we’re being spoiled rotten right now.

Marvel’s first avenger, Captain America has just hit cinemas worldwide, Green Lantern… well, it happened didn’t it… and we’ve been given 3 brand spanking new teaser trailers to salivate over.

New offerings from Batman, Spiderman and The Avengers may well be due soon, but one hero currently not donning his tightest pants in preparation to be thrust back into the spotlight like some weird pervert is Superman.

But fear not earthlings! It turns out there is some new Superman footage to get you all wheezy and out of breath. Well, it’s not actually new, it’s pretty old, but it hasn’t been seen before, so it’s like new.

A deleted scene from the last installment of the Superman movie franchise, the fantastically woeful Superman Returns, has been unearthed.

The $10million scene shows Supes flying in some sort of Dr. Manhattanesque giant crystal spaceship to his desolate home planet of Krypton, before crying like a little bitch and deciding it’s probably worth going back to Earth.

Visually the scene is fairly impressive, however at 6 minutes long with minimal action or sound it is incredibly tedious. The fact that this scene was so tedious that it was deleted from one of the most tedious movies in recent history should tell you all you need to know about it really.

There are a few things that puzzle us though. Why the hell is The Man of Steel flying a spaceship, he’s able to fly through space without any real problems, what makes this ship so special?

Also, wasn’t Krypton destroyed? It seems to be in fairly good nick when our hero arrives, admittedly it is barren and everyone is probably dead, but we’ll overlook that fact because it’s depressing and goes against our, ‘it seems to be in fairly good nick,’ theory that was outlined at the start of this paragraph.

Anyway, if you just couldn’t get enough of Superman Returns, then you have a problem and we here at hecklerspray suggest you get help, quickly.

For the rest of you, point your peepers at the video below to see how spending $10million on 6 minutes doesn’t always guarantee a good time.

The cool thing about Spiderman is that he’s a bit lame. Sure, the whole Spidey Sense thing is cool and so is the whole parkour thing he invented… but he’s still lame. He’s a complaining smart-ass who still lives with his elderly Aunt. We even saw him being a student in a bedsit.

And so, when recreating the comics, you really need to grab a hold of that lameditude and embrace it. The ’90s animated series pretty much nailed the nerd/hero axis, but sadly, the movie adaptations were too keen on making Peter Parker too nerdy, and his alter-ego too cool.

So the new The Amazing Spiderman film is going to sort all that out, right? It’ll retain some of the b-movie fun of the enjoyably crap ’70s films, as well as throwing some decent explosion at him, right? Ummmm…

Sadly, we’re entering an age where all superhero films are going all out to copy the Batman movies. All high-tech rubber suits and brooding orchestrations. Apart from the Green Lantern which is essentially Dude, Where’s My Superpower?

Spiderman should, of course, always have that ace b-movie quality. He’s not a classy, brooding superhero. He’s sulky, petulant and mildly irritating. He’s basically a teenager who hasn’t worked out whether to be a tit or a bollock.

Giant monsters, clunky dialogue, Stan Lee introductions aimed directly at the fans, a stupid lycra suit (which, after all, was handmade by Parker himself because he’s a gigantic milksop) and, most importantly, a soundtrack that sounds like…

But here we are, faced with another gloom filled serious-a-thon with this leaked trailer which should get a few geekpulses racing. After watching it, it might even turn out to be a good film (it can’t be any worse than Tobey Maguire’s efforts at webslinging).

Of course, as this is leaked, its all a bit blurry, but it does the trick (and will probably be taken offline real soon because the studios are massive spoilsports) and will keep us in SpideyWanks ’til summer 2012.

Here it is.

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Tobey Maguire – recently confirmed to produce a new ‘gritty’ version of The Little Mermaid ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – is playing dumb at the moment after being accused of having an illegal gambling ring which also featured Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck.

Imagine the conversations they have around the table. It must be like putting your ear to a sea-shell and listening to a hermit crab fall asleep mid-wank.

Anyway, the man who ruined Spiderman for everyone was named in an illegal gambling suit in which he was sued for taking part in a game with jailed criminal Bradley Ruderman.

So. Ruderman (Ruderman, does whatever a Ruder can) is currently in the clink for running a ponzi scheme that swindled people out of approximately $25 million and he’s currently being sued by people over money which they claim was used by Ruderman in the poker games.

Maguire ‘fessed-up to having earned $187,000 in winnings from the gambling ring, but denies any intentional wrongdoing. Apart from his acting career which he knows damn well is criminal.

“[Maguire] unconditionally denies having engaged in any conduct whatsoever in violation of law and further categorically denies having knowingly or intentionally participated in any fraudulent scheme,” read the statement released by the star’s lawyer according to E Online.

Basically, Maguire believes that he was simply having a nice time playing an innocent game of poker. With any luck, he’ll end up in prison, just for a laugh.

Are you disappointed we didn’t make any puns on the word ‘ring’?

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Stan Lee must be spinning in his specially-dug-grave-for-embarrassing-situations right now. Why? Because Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark is doing its darnedest to take massive great turds all over the legacy of one of the most famous superheroes ever.

From the curtain opener that saw sets not assembled properly, actors hanging limply in the rafters and more, we now have the story that one of the stuntmen of the show nearly died after plummeting to the ground like a pig kicked from a plane with a parachute made of anvils.

And of course, this is all very funny solely because U2 are involved and as we all know, Bono is a gargantuan ball bag of impressive proportions.

Bono and The Edge (real names – who really gives a monkeys?) have written a score for the play which seems to be based on endangering human beings.

One actor fell 20 feet (or about 6 metres if you prefer) and apparently, it was down to human error according to the actors’ union. That, or the actor in question felt the whole thing was so dreadful that they’d try and commit suicide on-stage rather than continue with the unravelling farce that theatre goers have been enduring thus far.

The poor sod in question is called Christopher Tierney and is listed in not-very-funny serious condition.

One spectator said:

“Spider-Man was on a bridge, and Mary Jane was dangling from it.”

“I think he was meant to sort of swoop over there, but he just fell off. … The harness, you could see it just flick off his back and fly backward.”

“[Afterward] it just went black, and the producer came on and said we’re going to pause for a moment. You could hear Mary Jane weeping.”

After that, it appears that some people clapped awkwardly, not knowing what the hell they were supposed to do. Disapproving glances were thrown at one woman (presumably was a hecklerspray reader) who laughed mockingly at the whole debacle.

The finale of the show was to see the performer being wheeled away in a neck brace.

Show director Julie Taymor said the accident was

“obviously heartbreaking for our entire team and, of course, to me personally.”

“I am so thankful that Chris is going to be all right and is in great spirits. Nothing is more important than the safety of our Spider-Man family and we’ll continue to do everything in our power to protect the cast and crew.”

Apart from putting safety harnesses on properly of course. Maybe the assembled crew actually believe Spiderman is on-board with the project and on-hand to swing through the air to rescue plummeting actors before they hit the ground like a bag of spanners?

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah! Bono and The Edge… most expensive show in Broadway history… ha ha ha ha… serious injuries to people with more talent than us… har de har har…

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There’s a collective will for U2 to fail at the moment. Such is Bono’s intense smuggery is that the ill-feeling toward him even extends to Spiderman, who everyone loves. Seeing as Bono and The Edge did the score for Spidey theatre production Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark, we’re all wishing it nothing but bad luck.

And hilariously, it seems to have befallen just that… and in bucket loads.

Last night’s opener of Broadway’s most expensive production ever, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was a ripsnorting flop! That’s $65 millions worth of high-tech gadgetry fail and bad music soundtracking a utterly baffling script. Hahahahahahahahaha!

The poor sods who went to the opening left scratching their bonces, wondering if they’d entered some kind of weird dream-state where the very fabric of everything began to fray around them and slowly fragment like crumbing cheese.

They hadn’t. They had spent a lot of money on a shoddy production which saw them ducking out of the way of falling equipment and actors dangling helplessly from the ceiling. The Foxwoods Theatre on West 42nd Street has probably shrivelled up and vanished in embarrassment today. Go check. It’s not there any more.

Seriously though, bits of this aren’t made up. Reports state that overhead stage wires dropped on the audience and scenery appeared on stage missing big chunks and the star of the show was left dangling like a warm bollock in mid-air during the climatic end to the first act. For eight minutes.

After what must have seemed like an age, the stage manager just gave up and announced over the loudspeaker, “Give it up for Natalie Mendoza, who’s hanging in the air!”

Then the show had to be stopped for a further four times thanks to technical hitches.

Later on in the show, Spiderman was supposed to zoom off with some high drama, except, he got stuck in the rafters with three stagehands leaping up and down trying to grab at his legs to pull him down.

At another baffling juncture, the Goblin is seem playing a tune on the piano and again, thanks to a massive fuck-up, was left play and play and play while stage workers dashed around him trying to fix faulty equipment. Things got so bad that the Goblin broke out of character and started ad-libbing, breaking into ‘I’ll Take Manhattan.’

This went on for 3½ hours.

Sadly, Bono and The Edge missed all this as they were in Australia with U2. Shame. It sounds like they have missed one of the most hilarious nights out of 2010.

Poor ol’ Stan Lee. He must have dug himself a grave, just so he can spin in it for the rest of the day.

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Rhys Ifans has been cast as the baddie in Marc Webb’s reboot of the Spiderman franchise, which definitely needed a shot in the arm after those three woeful Toby Maguire films. Seriously. They reeked!

He’ll be squaring up on-screen to someone called Andrew Garfield. No. We don’t have the foggiest notion who that is either. We could check but his name is so boring that every time we try to type it into a search engine, we fall asleep.

Anyway, Ifans and Garfield will join Emma Stone in the superhero flick and, while we know who Garfield and Stone are playing (Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy respectively), everyone is being a bit coy as to who the Welshman might play.

Looking at Ifans’ career, it isn’t immediately obvious who he might play.

Let’s think.

He’s been a scruffy loser in Notting Hill, a stoner in Twin Town and will be appearing on our screens as Howard Marks in Mr Nice as well as making an appearance in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

That didn’t help did it?

Let’s look at some of Spidey’s villains to see which matches up best.

The Jackal

Miles Warren knows Parker and Stacy after meeting them whilst being professor of biology at Empire State University. Alas, poor ol’ Warren fell in love with the much younger Stacy. Dirty bugger. SPOILER ALERT IF YOU’RE NOT A SPIDERMAN NUT. When Stacy is killed when the original Green Goblin and Spiderman have a tussle, Warren swears vengeance on Spidey. Warren further develops the Jackal as his alter ego and, thanks to being a bit scruffy and the like, Ifans could nail this baddie.

Green Goblin

Willem Defoe was a rubbish Green Goblin and this new film will probably need an appearance from Spiderman’s greatest foe (disagree all you want, but it’s true). You could have a Green Goblin in just about every Spiderman flick and no-one would moan. Well… that’s not true… die-hard Spiderman fans will moan about almost anything. Either way, there’s a good chance this wily bastard might make another appearance.

Mysterio

Hollywood might not want to look at Rhys Ifans face, so one of the best ways to deal with that is to stick a great big fish-bowl on his head. As Mysterio is a special-effects whizz, the producers of the movie could really go to town with this dastardly swine.

Morbius

Hollywood is slap-bang in the middle of a vampire phase and Spiderman just so happens to have a vampiric nemesis. Morbius was suggested for Sam Raimi’s abandoned Spiderman 4, so there’s a chance that the people paying for the film might want to ride the wave of vampire love at the minute. Of course, this doesn’t mean that screaming girls will start fancying Ifans instead of Robert Pattinson, but y’know, he does have a certain deathly quality in his face.

The Evil Bryn Lawson Of The Welsh Mountain Choir

Seldom known Ditko created villain from ’63. Bryn Lawson, a Welshman visiting the States on holiday witnesses Spiderman climbing up a wall toward an opened window. Assuming that he must be some kind of pervert, Bryn vows to catch this “mucky lad” and bring him to justice. After failing to do so solo, Bryn gets a team together who he dubs the Welsh Mountain Choir. Together, they battle with Spiderman by attacking him with sonic booms from their magnificent vocal chords. Bryn is deported after outstaying his travelling visa. Could he make a return in this new Spiderman film?

Got any suggestions? Want to tell us how bloody stupid we are? Get stuck into the comments you filthy bastards.

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Stan Lee is a God to millions of geeks everywhere and a seemingly harmless, eccentric old man to the rest of us. Lee is the former president and CEO of Marvel comics, the publisher that brought us such legends as Spiderman, the X Men and Squirrel Girl (seriously).

Why is a washed up old geek in the news I hear you ask? Well, apparently the great state of California is attempting to restrict the availability of violent video games. That is to say, the state governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man who appeared in a boat load of violent films, most of which had videogame adaptations, thinks that games are bad and should be stopped before they harm the kiddywinks.

Crazy ol’ Uncle Stan posted the following message on the Video Game Voters Network’s website, which interestingly had never been heard of until this story:

My memory has always been lousy and it’s not improving with age. But it’s good enough to remember a time when the government was trying to do to comic books what some politicians now want to do with video games: censor them and prohibit their sales. It was a bad idea half a century ago and it’s just as bad an idea now.

Despite how liable he is to wet himself, Grampa Simpson Stan Lee is right, the politicians are overstepping the mark by using games as a scapegoat and this new bill is a blatant attempt to appease conservative voters. He also found time in his open letter to accuse the politicians of doing all this just to drum up positive headlines, to ensure they get re-elected and that 50 years on, politicians still haven’t changed.

And he’s right, after all, 70 or so years ago we saw another Austrian with a dubious past and some right wing ideas get elected to power. He did manage to write a book though. I’m not convinced the Governator can actually write.

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Another day, another decision to remake/sequelise/spin-off an existing movie. This time it’s Venom’s turn.

Yes, for those that saw Spider-Man 3 – he’s the one played by Topher Grace off That 70s Show. He’s the one that should have been one of the best villains in comic movie history, but instead ended up being a complete rush job, thus making one of Spider-Man’s greatest foes actually a big pile of crud.

|Plus he appared to die in the film, so how Sony are going to play this we don’t really know. Time machine? A ‘he’s dead or is he OR IS HE’ angle? Ignoring the film, thus rendering his appearance in the Spider-Man movie worthless? Which it was.

It’ll probably be the third. And we bet Sam Raimi will be happy about that, after being forced to incorporate Venom into his movie in the first place.

Ah, Hollywood.

While it’s not new news that a Venom film is in the pipeline, it has just come about that Sony are pushing for the picture to be released quicksmart. Obviously wanting to ride the wave of popularity created by the successes of both Iron Man and The Dark Knight and seeing that there is, maybe, a place in the mass market for the darker side of comic books, the company have been more or less forced to play their hand.

While a script was already written for the movie, the execs have apparently decided it isn’t up to par and have sent out the word that they’re looking for a new one. The hecklerspray script is on its way, guys! Though we’re sure they’ll pick some no-talent arseclown to pen the bloody thing and it will all go wrong, leaving comic book geeks around the world frothing at the eyeballs.

It’s just that… well… they’ll get it wrong, won’t they? They’ll make Venom into some kind of pansy, or will hamfistedly force in some relatability to the character to try and make the audience sympathise with his plight.

Or they’ll probably make him pink and shoot flower-coated puppies out of his anus as he travels the galaxy bringing happiness and free rainbows to everyone.

Not that we’re cynical or anything – we just can’t see how Sony expect to work it.

Certainly, the popular character’s co-creator, Todd McFarlane thinks they can make it work.

“You don’t want to scare the kids, because the kids love the character,” he said.

“But I think you could add a little bit of a creep factor. I mean, it never bugged me to watch Frankenstein as a kid, so you could have a little bit of it, as long as you have a good story backing it up.”

The Dark Knight is a very dark, depressing film with one of the finest portrayals of a truly twisted mentalist ever seen – but Batman is still a good guy. Iron Man isn’t that dark, and he’s a good guy too. The announced X-Men Origins: Wolverine is sure to tread this same gritty, dark path but – again – Wolverine is a good guy. Conflicted, capable of being a bit maniacal yes – but still a good guy.

Sony will not be able to make major blockbuster work if it’s about a bad guy. The mass-market they so crave just won’t buy into it – they seem to forget that people are idiots. And if the most recent Spider-Man movie was anything to go by, not only will it be a flop, it’ll be shit too.

We’re just saying.

Let’s rewind to another, simpler, stupider time: the 1980s.

It was a time when some things happened, some stuff did some stuff and some naughty drugs were taken a lot by high-powered businessmen in high-powered business suits.

It was also a time when the original The Evil Dead movie came out, made for around $375,000, starring nobodies, with a sense of humour and receiving a great deal of positive remarks from the critics. Fast forward to the other year and Sam Raimi, director of The Evil Dead has just released Spider-Man 3; a huge-budget summer blockbuster, starring some of Hollywood’s biggest names and courting some very mixed reviews.

The hecklerspray review? It’s shit. No one wants an emo Spider-Man.

Anyway – whatever could be next for the director who really has worked his arse off, seemingly to make some medicore-but-expensive films, all with cameos of Bruce Campbell? Why not move on to some Disney stuff, to make your journey to the dark side complete? Oh, he already has. The bugger.

Yes, Sam Raimi has made his move to the truly evil realms of Hollywood complete by signing on to produce The Transplants – a Disney film referred to as ‘an action-adventure with a comedic bent’. We can handle that. Maybe. It’s alright – he’ll do a good job, surely… right?

But hold on – there’s no need for unfounded optimism. The threat of Raimi truly making the film his own and thus giving it what we call ‘potential’ has been immediately quashed, as The Transplants is written by Adam Jay Epstein and Andrew Jacobsen. For those who don’t know, which will be most of you, they wrote Not Another Teen Movie.

Ah well, it’ll just be another movie to ignore in a year or two. Not like we don’t have a big enough list to fit them all on.

Maybe we will be proven very wrong though, for once, and this will turn out to be a wonderful experience for the whole family. Maybe Raimi will take the title a little more literally than what is probably intended, and subject the audience to two hours of hilarious organ and limb transplants for the sake of medical/Disney science, with cameos of famous characters for good measure.

Baloo could swap brains with The Lion King‘s Scar, making for one of the most evil and physically threatening characters in the history of film. Pick a paw paw BAM! One dead Mowgli.

Maybe the kids from High School Musical could have their limbs replaced with those of Bambi, making for far more entertaining dance routines.

Or Robin Williams’ Genie from Aladdin could be transplanted. Off the screen. Forever.

As long as Raimi keeps his own sense of humour and puts Bruce Campbell in there somewhere it’s sure to keep the nerds happy. Oh, and as long as we don’t have to put up with another unlikeable emo superhero.