The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others – what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life?

Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we’re disgusted – doesn’t Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.

One of the downsides to being famous is that your success tends to attract unwanted curiosity – people know that you’re loaded and they want to take a little slice of your cash for themselves.

When this happens the best thing you can do is to retreat into the bosom of your family. But if you’re Christian Bale, and it’s your family that’s doing the begging, well then you’re pretty much effed up the bum.

That’s apparently the reason for Christian Bale’s still-bemusing assault arrest this week. For the newcomers among you, Christian Bale was arrested on Tuesday on suspicion of assaulting his mother and sister right before the London premiere of The Dark Knight. He denies the charges and his family denies calling the police.

Since then, Christian Bale has been bailed and the assault has been described as a strong verbal attack, possibly combined with a mild push. At first the reason for this alleged attack was that Bale’s mother was slagging off his wife, but now The Sun has spoken to a source who claims that Christian Bale got a bit shirty when his sister Sharon asked for £100,000 to help raise her kids:

“Christian is a very wealthy young man and was asked to help his sister out financially. He was asked to loan her £100,000 but he refused and that caused an almighty row. During that row, the women claim, he assaulted them by pushing and shoving them… They are both devastated that it has come to this but want him to be taught a lesson.”

Yeah! Jesus, Christian Bale is such a bastard, isn’t he? He deserves to be taught a lesson – the lesson that you’re supposed to financially bail out any of your relatives who appear to be either greedy or living beyond their means whenever they want just because you’ve starred in a couple of films about a funny-voiced crimefighter in a gimp suit.

Sharon Bale could hardly ask any other members of her family for support, could she? Her mother’s a part-time clown – what kind of financial help could she possibly offer? Those kids need £100,000, not a shipment of abnormally large shoes and a tiny spluttering car that keeps falling apart!

Still, not to worry – even though Christian Bale chose not to help his nieces and nephews out, they’ll still get their cash one way or the other. Probably from all the royalties from their forthcoming memoirs I Wear Rags Because My Uncle Is Stingy And Allegedly A Bit Violent.

Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale allegedly has done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

Christian Bale is a fascinating actor, not just because he can completely transform his body to disappear into a role, but also because he refuses to discuss his personal life in interviews. This, Christian Bale claims, is because it would detract from the mysticism of the craft, but we’re not convinced.

Maybe Christian Bale doesn’t discuss his personal life in interviews because he’s a right old mental loony.

It seems plausible since, just a few days after his new Batman movie The Dark Knight became the biggest-opening movie ever, Christian Bale has been arrested on suspicion of kicking lumps out of his sister and 61-year-old mother. BBC News reports:

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said a 34-year-old man had been arrested in connection with an allegation of assault, and remained in custody. Mr Bale is alleged to have lashed out at his mother and sister in his suite at London’s Dorchester Hotel on Sunday.

We know. It makes no sense whatsoever, does it?

Christian Bale has never really given off any signs of having a barmy side to him, and this week – the week that The Dark Knight became a genuine phenomenon – should have been one of the happiest of Bale’s life.

Having said that, we like to attack members of our family in times of great joy as well – we got three numbers on the lottery a couple of months ago and we were so happy that we took a cricket bat to granny’s shins. Plus every time hecklerspray wins an award we go out and cheerfully drown a nephew in the river. So we can totally see where Christian Bale is coming from. If he did it, of course.

Of course, Christian Bale hasn’t been charged yet, so it’d be wrong to assume that he’s guilty of anything. It could all just be a giant misunderstanding.

Or perhaps Christian Bale just sank so deep into the psyche of one of his characters that he reacted in a way that was completely unlike him. In which case we’re probably right in thinking that the pervading theme of Batman 3 will involve Batman throwing a great big mardy sulk when his mum comes round and tells him that he’s getting a little bit too big for his boots.

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet. 

Call it a hunch, but we get the feeling that Michael Lohan likes women of an unbearably obnoxious bent. Why? Because he managed to have three children with Dina Lohan – a stage-mother so determined to live her life vicariously through her offsprings' psychologically demanding acting and singing careers that they made a TV show about her – and now it turns out that he might have had another kid with a woman named Kristi Kaufmann.

Now, we have no idea who Kristi Kaufmann is – other than the fact that she had a month-long affair with Michael Lohan while he was married and possibly became pregnant with his child – but she's clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Just a few days after her daughter Ashley Kaufman was outed as a possible illegitimate Lohan sister, Kristi Kaufmann has managed to get the teenager's photo into OK! and In Touch magazine and big up her nascent career as a recording artist all in one go. Here's MSNBC with more:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

Now it'd be highly irresponsible of us to single out an individual member of the Lohan family to attribute that last quote to, but let's have a go anyway – "the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan." Who could have possibly said that? No, we give up. Was it Dina?

Anyway, you know what? We're actually looking forward to hearing Ashley Kaufmann's music, because that's the only way we'll truly discover whether she's a Lohan or not. Yes, we know that the results of Michael Lohan's DNA test will come back long before Ashley actually releases anything, but we all know in our heart of hearts that Ashley Kaufmann won't be a real Lohan until she's recorded a song about what an uncaring dick Michael Lohan is.

Is it 'what's the gender of Halle Berry's baby?' because we know it's a girl. It's not 'what's the name of Halle Berry's baby?' either, because she hasn't got round to telling anyone yet.

No – the big question pertaining to Halle Berry's new baby is 'but what does Halle Berry's boyfriend's sister make of the birth?' And we've got the answer to that one after the jump. Alternatively you could just re-read the headline – there's a clue in the title.

Celebrity mothers have it harder than most new mothers, you know. Whereas the traditional routine for a new mother involves a few weeks of stumbling around the house in an insomniac fug dressed in a puke-covered dressing gown and resenting your partner's reproductive system, celebrities have to get back in shape immediately for the magazine cover shoots and the How To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back fitness DVDs and the front cover of the inevitable I Tried To Smother My Baby In Its Sleep postnatal depression self-help book. 

So sometimes celebrities are too busy to deal with the minutiae of motherhood. Take Halle Berry, for example. Halle Berry gave birth to her baby daughter on Sunday, but as far as we know she hasn't got round to naming it yet. And if Halle Berry hasn't done that yet, then she's hardly likely to comment on her feelings about the baby, is she?

It's clearly Halle Berry's time to delegate, then. But who can Halle trust to give an accurate account of the delicate mix of overwhelming emotions that she's currently experiencing in the first few days of motherhood? Her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry? Hardly – look at him. You can't be that chiseled and smouldering without being as dumb as a bag of sand. Halle Berry's own parents? No. Aubry's parents? No? Friends?

No way – not when Gabriel Aubry's Quebec-based sister is on the scene to recount her own feelings. Well, not 'on the scene' exactly. Unless Quebec is the scene. Is Quebec the scene? Probably not. Anyway, fans of hearing what a woman who's never met the baby thinks of the baby she's never met should read the hell on:

"I was so happy when I found out," Eugenie Aubry, 36, tells PEOPLE about the new baby girl born on Sunday to Halle Berry and Eugenie's younger brother, Gabriel Aubry. "It's been a long time since we've had a new baby in the family," said Eugenie. "It's very exciting." While she has yet to meet her brand new niece, the Canadian resident was thrilled to hear that new mom Halle has been practising her language skills. "I'm a Quebecer, and it's great that she is learning how to speak French," Eugenie says. "I'm glad that the little one will speak French, too." 

What do you mean that the largely positive reaction to a baby's birth by a woman who's related to the baby but has never met it hardly counts as news? What are you, stupid? It was on People magazine's website, so it's obviously news. 

Plus, it has to be news because we've just commissioned a comprehensive 48-part series of reports on everyone who Halle Berry is slightly related to and what they think of the baby, and we don't want to look like fools. So stick around tomorrow for the scorching baby opinions of Halle Berry's second cousin's uncle's wife's niece twice removed. SPOILER ALERT – she thinks the baby's a shithead.

Read more:

Halle Berry Boyfriend's Family 'So Happy' About Baby News - People