Week 274 of Ameria’s Got Talent, and the ten remaining acts audition again, for your votes.

Well, either your votes, or else the approval of the goat’s entrails which the judges seem to have been relying on these past few weeks to tell them which act gets their discretionary nod.

If you, like us, are getting a little tired of this season’s judges’ decisions – which they apparently make by asking themselves “Which of these acts is worst at delivering the one, simple, specific thing which they claim as their whole reason for being here?” – then take heart! After the jump, we introduce you to the awesomely majestic mighty magnificence which is… the AGT Drinking Game.

Yes, it’s been an odd season. Despite being humiliatingly told off on an aeroplane by Simon Cowell – sat, sulking, like naughty toddlers being denied their playtime – the judges have still continued with their ploy of putting contestants through based solely on their astrological chart, mother’s maiden name or extremely homosexual facial hair (at this point, please indulge yourself with a little Susan Boyle gag).

How else, after all,  to explain Tony & Rory getting through a couple of weeks ago? You remember them: the man who sported the very dictionary definition of “that moustache what is worn by middle-aged gay men” threw frisbees for his insane dog, which decided that its job was to headbutt them into the audience and then stand at the front of the stage, menacing the crowd with its mad, mad eyes.

Well, we’re sick of it. And how do we deal with that? Why, just like everything else in our lives which annoys or depresses us: by pouring alcohol down our gullets until the hurt goes away.

It’s an AGT drinking game, and here are the prescribed doses for various scenarios:

Hoffisms: each time David Hasselhoff clumsily replaces a syllable from an everyday English word with Hoff – Hofftastic, Hoffnificent, Hoffaleujah -  the drinker shall chug one half pint of beer.

Special Circumstances: if the Hoff is inserted in an uncomfortably jarring way – Hoffazing, Unbehoffable, Hoffcredihoff – then the forfeit shall be one whole pint.

Osbourneos: players shall maintain careful vigilance of Sharon Osbourne’s tightly-strung facial muscles. Any participant observing the tiniest of movements between the hairline and the lips shall drink a Lemon Bacardi Breezer (Tia Maria and Coke is an acceptable substitute).

Special Circumstances: if there be an act which Sharon deems to have performed less than “stellar”, “amazing”, or “absolutely fantastic”, then all players shall consume an amount of gin sufficient to render them less coherent than Ozzy.

Morganites: players should pay close attention to the sounds formed by Piers Morgan’s lips during each show (Safety Note: in order to accomplish this without mental distress, we recommend three fingers of strong rum be consumed prior to start time). If at any point an observer believes they have heard an actual human language word emitted – which does not, of course, include the sounds made by a melting snowman, a gurgling baby or The Elephant Man speaking through a toilet-paper tube. Underwater. While chewing a marshmallow – then they should…

Actually, the rules are rather unclear about this. We suggest seeking psychiatric assistance as soon as possible after flushing the ears with bleach, hydrogen peroxide and gunpowder.

Special Circumstances: should a gamer spot the thin line of drool beginning to emerge from the corner of Morgan’s mouth before the show’s producers manage to cut away, they shall be allowed to retire from the game (Mental Disturbance Rule, outlined in Rules, 3.1.5).

What’s that? You also want to hear about last night’s winners?

You perverts.

Drew Stephen: man who can’t sing, but who looks a bit like Ryan Seacrest somehow mated with Brad Pitt, and will therefore go further than he should.

Barbara Padilla: woman who sings opera really rather well. So, a bit like Neal E. Boyd, last year’s winner. Only female, somewhat-physically-attractive, and doesn’t-look-like-a-sculpture-of-The-Thing-from-The-Fantastic-Four-made-out-of-biscuits-and-butter.

Erik And Rickie: two dancing kids who you’ve probably accurately summed up by looking at how they spell their names. Unintentionally hilarious homepage seems to reveal the pair as being a horribly inbred little smugwad, and an alien’s attempt at being a human girl but with the head on backwards.

Recycled Percussion: Now then. We’ve spent many weeks mocking America’s blobby little phone-pokers and their absurd choices of acts to send through.

This one, though, was beyond our ability to compute: Recycled Percussion, a group of alarmingly ugly blokes who use bin lids and discarded syringes as drums/drumsticks, go through instead of the sexy, charming, delightful, sexy, loose-limbed, sexy, SEXY Ishaara?

You wanted literally rubbish, and grotesquely hideous, drummers instead of massively talented, and sexily sexy, Indian dancers? Hey, America: we’re a bit miffed.

We shall see you next week, when…oh, God alone knows. It is revealed that there will be a special-mystery-surprise-celebrity act in the final, which turns out to be David using his nose to push an errant hamburger around the stage?

We live in hope.

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Will the producers of America’s Got Talent be able to find a mad-haired old fat lady, just like the Brits did? The clue is in the question: what with this being America, they’ll doubtless be fighting them off with sticks.

Of course, America has to do things a bit bigger than anybody else. So we fully expect their version of Susan Boyle to be a 1o00lb monster with hair like a mammoth’s pubes, who has to be poured onto the stage from the back of a dump truck.

Join us after the jump, when we look at how the show’s first week went.

The format of the show is the same as Britain’s Got Talent: a bunch of wildly-deluded ordinary Joes and Janes wander onto the stage and, in front of a real audience, perform their ‘act’. Just as in BGT, most of these people and their ‘acts’ come in four categories:

1) Senior citizens doing inadvisably energetic things. Which often involve sequins, Swedish balls and a total lack of dignity. These ageing funsters don’t tend to get through the auditions, being shunted straight back home to their weak tea, afternoon naps, and fading memories of hitting the big time.

2) Young people with tattoos doing painful things. Usually consists of an ugly young man with a pierced nose and his female assistant who looks kind of hot until the camera gets too close to her face. Opening week had Sky and Vlad Eros, who didn’t even get to show us Vlad punching a carriage bolt through his cock, or whatever he was going to do, as Sky’s hair immediately and hilariously caught fire on a stage prop.

3) Tediously similar groups of kids doing wacky dances. Public of Britain, you disgust us. Given the choice of Susan Boyle and Diversity, you went with the loose-limbed kids instead of the wobbly-bottomed spinster. Let us hope that the people of America are slightly more discerning, and realise that frizzy-haired old virgins are much funnier and easier to write about than a meeting of the Epileptic Parkinsons’ Patients Support Group.

4) People with a voice and a  “backstory”. Think Danny Gokey from this year’s American Idol. These are the folks who have come to the auditions smelling of petrol and telling the sad story of their entire family’s recent demise in a housefire. If they get to air, you can be sure there’s a decent voice to justify your vote, and here it was The Voices Of Glory: three kids with a genuinely horrific tale, who sang God Bless America. Tragedy and patriotism? They’ll go far this year.

So, this season’s AGT looks set to tick all the right boxes: normal people, odd people, talented people, pensioners who play the guitar and harmonica while riding a unicycle. It’s all there.

At the moment, our money’s on the inspirationally surreal Comic Bots. However, as NBC only showed a few seconds of the breakdancing transformers, here’s the quite wonderful David Johnson:

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Unless she attacked Kelly Osbourne, obviously. Then we’d probably stage a Murder On The Orient Express-style cover-up out of nothing but sheer gratitude. It’s not relevant to this story, but we would. Someone tell Sharon we would.

Anyway, one woman who Sharon Osbourne allegedly did attack is Megan Hauserman, the girl famous for being in that video of Sharon Osbourne attacking her. And now Megan Hauserman is suing Sharon Osbourne for it. Wouldn’t have happened if Sharon Osbourne had attacked Kelly Osbourne, that’s all we’re saying.

It’s probably fair to say that, of all the lesbian fantasies that have ever crossed the mind of even the most uncomfortably subhuman teenage boy in the history of mankind, none will have been as downright depraved as the catfight between Sharon Osbourne and Megan Hauserman from last year.

You’ll remember the fight, of course. On the reunion show of VH1’s Rock Of Love: Charm School Sharon Osbourne aimed a few of her weirdly drag-queenish barbs at Megan Hauserman – a girl who looks like the painful results of a genetic experiment involving Dolph Lundgren and a basketball factory – until Megan retorted by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’.

At that point Sharon Osbourne threw her drink all over Megan Hauserman before wading in for what would have been a stupendously watchable attack were it not for the fact that all the cameramen filming the attack started jumping up and down and spinning around in circles and basically doing everything apart from the one thing they’re paid to do, which is to film desperately unclassy women acting like arseholes to each other.

But now we at least have some idea of what may have happened during the flare-up, because Megan Hauserman has decided to sue Sharon Osbourne for it. And, as BBC News reports, for all the damages Megan’s claiming Sharon may as well have lopped her knockers off with a machete:

The lawsuit claims claims battery, negligence and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Ms Hauserman alleges that she has suffered physical and mental injuries in addition to emotional pain and suffering. She is also claiming past, present and future medical expenses, loss of earning capacity and business opportunities.

Now, fair enough, it can’t have been especially nice for Hauserman to be allegedly attacked in front of an audience like that – especially by someone as genuinely objectionable as Sharon Osbourne – but, seriously, loss of earning potential? Her entire career is based on going on reality TV shows and being both stupid and unlikeable. Surely provoking Sharon Osbourne until she gets roughed up has ramped up her earning potential to brand new heights, if anything. She must be, what, an N-list celebrity by now?

But still, let’s hope that Sharon Osbourne learns from this lawsuit and never thinks about physically attacking anyone again. It’s completely redundant, anyway – why go to the energy of beating someone up when the sound of her voice alone is usually enough to get people desperately trying to smack themselves unconscious with the back end of a shovel?

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And that’s fine. But even Sharon Osbourne has her limits. Cross them and she’ll sue your flipping bum off. That’s what Sharon Osbourne did to The Sun after it claimed she was working Ozzy Osbourne ‘to destruction’ to keep her rich, and she’s won a substantial payout from it.

So whatever you do, don’t say that Sharon Osbourne is trying to kill her husband with work. But feel free to laugh at her funny Skeletor voice. That’s probably OK. If it isn’t, we’re screwed.

We genuinely can’t understand why, but Sharon Osbourne seems to be everywhere at the moment. One minute she’s being rumoured to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, the next she’s getting all Lady Macbeth about Dannii Minogue.

We’re not sure why this is happening, and we’re not certain we approve of it, but at least now that Sharon Osbourne has won a crapstand of money by suing a newspaper for libel, hopefully she can disappear again for a while.

The trouble all started when The Sun printed an article in 2007 claiming that Sharon Osbourne was forcing Ozzy Osbourne to perform a gruelling string of concerts just because she wanted some new jewels or shoes or another dehumanising round of cosmetic surgery or something. And this is Ozzy Osbourne we’re talking about, remember – a man who looks like he has trouble remember what trousers are for – so obviously forcing him to sing Crazy Train night after night would be impossibly cruel, right? BBC News reports:

The article, published in October 2007, claimed that Mrs Osbourne was “driving her frail husband Ozzy Osbourne to destruction” and was working him “so hard she will kill him”. It alleged that she was forcing the Black Sabbath star to perform in a series of live shows in order to fund her exorbitant spending. The article continued: “Sharon will keep Ozzy on the road until, like Tommy Cooper, he dies on stage”.

Anyway, long story short, it’s all bollocks. Sharon Osbourne didn’t try to kill Ozzy Osbourne. She doesn’t need to – Ozzy Osbourne is perfectly capable of almost dying by himself, as any number of amateur quad-biking enthusiasts will tell you.

And, as such, The Sun has paid Sharon Osbourne a substantial, undisclosed sum of money in libel damages. But, let’s look on the bright side, at least it’s only money – Sharon didn’t lob a cup of coffee in their faces and then try to physically rip them limb from limb in front of a gaggle of bewildered bikini models. She does that, we hear.

So ‘trying to kill Ozzy Osbourne to fund her lifestyle’ is off the list of things we can say about Sharon Osbourne. Are we still allowed to say that her daughter looks like a sullen Moomin, though? Because it would sort of suck if we weren’t.

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Spreading his arms wide he’ll say he caught Untanga, the beast of the local lake. Sadly though, it was the one that got away and he only caught an abandoned shopping trolley.

Sharon Osborne has something in common with our friend. Ever since she left X Factor, everyone has lost interest in her. But don’t worry, Sharon is trying to reignite a war with another one of the programme’s boring additions – Dannii Minogue. We can’t confirm or deny if Sharon reeks of fish like Mike The Pike”. Only Ozzy knows that.

In the 2008 series of X Factor, there was a slight mix-up on the judging panel. Music’s worst enemy Simon Cowell remained to sink his demonic claws in to some young-faced hopeful, Louis Walsh chipped in occasionally with his jolly Irish twang and the less successful Minogue sister was just thankful she didn’t have to join the line at the dole office.

Sadly though, changes have to be made and water-throwing Sharon Osborne had to go. She’d already thrown a strop earlier in the series when she walked off the show after all her shitty acts got voted out in the first few weeks. Being offered a measly £1.6million wasn’t enough for Sharon to endure some boring Australian for another year and she decided to bugger off and run her mouth on other reality shows like America’s Got Talent.

But X Factor got a new judge and a few extra viewers as millions of perverts tuned in to see the lovely Cheryl Cole. Watching it with the sound down was good enough for us as we gazed in awe at Cheryl’s lovely face. So was Sharon Osborne pissed off that they replaced her with a much nicer-looking judge and forced Dannii to become the older, wrinkly and annoying women?

Well kind of…

Like some sort of messed-up plot of Hollyoaks or Skins with random drugs thrown in, Sharon thinks Dannii is only using the show as a tool to get into Simon Cowell’s pants. Meanwhile Leona Lewis is crying in the corner because she hasn’t been moulded completely into an American singer and has been told she must instead look like a horse. OK, not all of that may be true but the accusation of Dannii going after Simon’s nutsack apparently is.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, who no doubt managed to somehow make the questions relate to him, Sharon said:

“All Dannii wanted to do was fuck Simon Cowell. That’s why she’s on the show.”

Great. We think. We expect a swift attack from Dannii as she finds out where Sharon lives and hides all her shoes. Ha! That’ll teach her. Thers’ nothing like a schoolgirl slagging match. Before we know it, they’ll be pulling each other’s hair extensions and fake noses off behind the bike sheds.

By the time the new series of X Factor rolls round, we expect Louis Walsh to be replaced by Robocop and Simon Cowell to still be there but in the form of a giant arse that he slowly disappears up. But as long as lovely Cheryl is there we don’t mind. She can do no wrong. Apart from ignoring our calls.

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Its not missing any more though – not one bit. That’s because the VH1 footage of the odd fist-filled incident was either legally aired, or it just slimed its way across the internet like a slug on a salty sidewalk. Surely you remember – we told you all about all the strangeness not too long ago. It harkens back to the glory days of Jerry Springer, and we think you might enjoy it.

So without further ado:

No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.

Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.

Here’s a weird thing – when Sharon Osbourne was a judge on X Factor, people loved her. They called her Mum Of The Year. They let her advertise Asda. They didn’t even mention her freakish haircut. Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole was getting arrested for beating up women.

But now Cheryl Cole is the judge on X Factor, and people love her. They want to be her best friend. They’d even buy her clothes given the chance. They don’t even mention her freakish haircut. And, meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne is being investigated for allegedly beating up a woman.

According to reports, Sharon Osbourne is in trouble with the law for getting into a scuffle with Megan Hauserman, a contestant on her reality TV show Rock Of Love: Charm School. And quite a nasty scuffle, too, if you believe what you read. The New York Daily News reports:

Hauserman, known on the show for her svelte figure and sharp tongue, alleges that Osbourne flipped out, running across the stage and attacking her. Osbourne, who hosts the VH1 etiquette competition, apparently yanked Hauserman’s hair and scratched at her until security separated them, TMZ.com reports. Hauserman went to the hospital, but so far no charges have been filed.

Apparently the fight started when Sharon Osbourne made a ’snide remark’ about Megan Hauserman, who retaliated by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. Which is feasible but for a single fact; we’ve seen Megan Hauserman on a couple of reality TV shows, and there’s no way that her brain works fast enough for her to respond to anything – let alone a Sharon Osbourne insult – without spending 45 minutes gazing into space trying to process all the complex information first.

What happens now is in the hands of the police and, if the cameras were on at the time of the attack, VH1. It might even lead to Sharon Osbourne’s dismissal from Charm School if there’s an arrest, and that would be a terrible shame – surely getting Sharon Osbourne to present a show called Charm School involved employing a level of irony that can never be topped.

Well don’t speak too fast, sonny, because Sharon Osbourne is a fighter, and if ironically-named reality TV shows are what she wants to do, then we’re sure she’ll find a way to get one off the ground. And if she’s stuck, here are some titles to start her off:

Sharon Osbourne’s House Of Natural Ageing.

Sharon Osbourne’s Worthwhile Children.

Sharon Osbourne’s Shack Of Not Sounding Like A Wasp In An Echo Chamber When She’s Angry.

Sharon Osbourne’s Normal Haircut.

Sharon Osbourne’s Institute Of Not Going Violently Apeshit At A Bimbo (Allegedly).

You know where to send the cheque, Sharon.

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Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone-in vote or something (just joking Sharon). Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back.

But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years. And yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side.

The poor fella – as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated ear-ache hanging about the place.

Actually, that probably explains why she stays put – they don’t have sex anymore, Sharon just straddles one of Ozzy’s wrists and focuses on a picture of Rhydian until her gushing, squawking, tinitus-inducing climax.

So, yes, Sharon has left ITV and looks set to leave her panel show days behind her.

God, we give you our heartfelt thanks. You really do look after us when it comes down to it.

Next time though, if you wouldn’t mind awfully, would it be OK if, instead of sending her to another broadcaster, you just sent her to somewhere like hell, for example? Just a thought – not that we want to tell you how to do your job or anything! Haha! But seriously, think about it. If you want to haggle with purgatory then, you know, we’re open to that prospect.

Rumour has it that, should Sharon get with the Beeb, she will join the cast of Strictly Come Dancing and – now for the best news of the day – it won’t be as a panelist! Woo hoo! Just a measly contestant.

According to The Sun, a ‘pal’ revealed last night:

It would make one hell of a TV battle, so don’t be surprised to see her hitting the dancefloor. Sharon has not fallen out with Cowell, not in the slightest. It all comes down to two things — money and Dannii. At the moment, she’s filming America’s Got Talent for Cowell and she’s concentrating on her US TV projects. Early last year, Sharon was meant to appear in Dancing With The Stars, the US version of Strictly, but she had to pull out to have an operation. She’s always wanted to do it, so what better time to put on her dancing shoes and go up against the X Factor than when the shows start again in September?

Which one are you gonna watch: X-Factor or Strictly Come Dancing? You, like hecklerspray, are now wetting yourselves in anticipation. Has life ever been so exciting?

We just can’t decide and so, instead of watching either of them, we’re just gonna throw our TVs out the window and literally do something else more interesting.