Slumdog Millionaire was such a hit that everybody associated with it now earns an extra 17 zeros on the end of any paycheck they ever receive. Seriously – everyone’s box office value has increased exponentially.

Also their value in the black market slave trade slightly increased too. That’s why when some potential daughter-buyers recently offered the father of Rubina Ali Qureshi $300,000 for his now somewhat famous daughter, he cut off a lock of Ali’s hair for his wife’s memory book and wished the child well in her new life cruising Nile river-ports.

Or something along those lines.

If you are anything like us, then when you walked out of Slumdog Millionaire with the sound of credits rolling in the background it was with the urgent need to Google all those child actors to see if any of them were being sold into reasonably-priced slavery. After all, it had been absolute months since anything we owned hummed us sad gospel tunes as it washed various things down in the river. Our electronic search ended in nought but disappointment.

Well we must have entered our search terms wrong because we failed to notice that one of those little actors was completely for sale – at least according to News of the World:

“In a bid to escape India’s real-life slums, Rafiq Qureshi put angel-faced darling of the Oscars Rubina up for adoption…Then, almost embarrassed to speak it out loud, he whispered to an accomplice the price tag he has put on his innocent young daughter: “It’s £200,000!”That was an astonishing FOURFOLD increase on his opening demand. But Rafiq’s equally demanding brother Mohiuddin insisted: “The child is special now. This is NOT an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child!”

Upon hearing of the raised price, Madonna stormed right out of the room. Not really. Not yet.

It’s unknown if the actual would-be buyers had any sort of a down payment in mind or a dumb non-famous kid to trade in. What is known though, is that the people on the other end of the nine-year-old girl-purchase were under-cover News of the World reporters who exposed the whole alleged thing. When the father, Rafiq, found out he’d been had, he said this:

“In India you never say ‘no’ directly, least of all to guests. You try not to offend people by refusing to help.”

Really? Well in that case Rafiq, may we please take this over-sized colon we cut out of a decomposing elephant carcass and use it to hog tie your wife just before stuffing her into said elephant tantan style? If you like, we could do it while we’re there for tea. Also, can this guy spend a month with you? He only eats things he brought with him, if you catch our drift, so don’t worry about your severe poverty or anything. Plus if you treat him well enough he might even let you sell his partially-chewed penis tip. That’d probably net you several dozen rupies.

We thought so. You are a businessman, Rafiq – a shrewd one at that. Don’t let those stupid anti-child sellers tell you which of your children you can & can’t hawk into slavery or what-have-you. That’s a decision every man gets to make for himself whenever he feels like it.

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As you may know, there’s a Britney Spears sex tape – we’d have mentioned it earlier but, you know, we’ve just eaten and we like not being blind.

Don’t get too excited, though – the existence of the Britney Spears sex tape was allegedly confirmed by Adnan Ghalib, Britney’s paparazzo ex-boyfriend. So, on the basis that at least 50% of the tape features a creepy dimwit with a funny accent and the world’s worst beard, it’s safe to say that nobody will ever ever form an erection while watching the Britney Spears sex tape.

Or will they? It’s been reported that Britney Spears is keen to pay whatever it takes to buy the master copy of this apparent Britney Spears sex tape from Adnan Ghalib. And you know what that means? It means that if Britney Spears is prepared to pay millions of dollars for a video of a mentally ill woman in a pink wig having squalid intercourse with one of the world’s least likable men, it must be sexy! Where can we get a copy?

Sometimes we’re desperately envious of Britney Spears, you know. We’ve spent so long wishing that our harrowing mental breakdown could be punctuated by a married man who’s effectively paid to stalk us coming to sweep us off our feet so we an embark on a high-flying romance that involves him taking naked pictures of us, trying to sell those naked pictures to the highest bidder, running off to the entertainment news shows to sell his story minutes after splitting up with us and generally bringing about the darkest period of our entire lives.

And, for a brief moment, that’s what Britney Spears had with Adnan Ghalib. Sure, he might have been married and hopelessly exploitative and in possession of a beard that made his neck look like a minge, but right up until the moment when she apparently took out a restraining order on him, Adnan loved Britney Spears.

He loved her enough to allegedly film himself having it off with her so that he could sell the tape for millions of dollars. And that’s the greatest love of all.

You see, Adnan Ghalib is apparently pimping about a Britney Spears sex tape. No, not the one that Britney allegedly made with Kevin Federline, or the one that some guy took on holiday where you couldn’t tell that it was Britney Spears he was having sex with but it definitely was, honest.

This is the infamous Pink Wig Britney Spears sex tape. The one claimed to be made during that time where Britney spent her days wandering around babbling to herself in a British accent. The one that, sadly, Adnan Ghalib co-stars in.

And now that Adnan Ghalib seems to have confirmed the existence of the Britney Spears sex tape, he’s apparently going to sell it. Funnily enough, he’s going to sell it to Britney Spears. The Sun reports:

Earlier this week, [Adnan] admitted: “There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.” It is thought a pornography website is prepared to offer the photographer up to £5million for the footage. But Britney is willing to pay whatever it takes of her own money to keep the tape off the market.

It’s a shame that Britney Spears is effectively being held to ransom over the sex tape, but buying it from Adnan Ghalib is definitely the best way forward here. Not only will it stop the tape from destroying Britney’s painstakingly choreographed comeback, but also it’s a bit of a nestegg should things go financially tits up for her in the future.

And, let’s be honest, nobody wants to see that particular Britney Spears sex tape anyway. If we wanted to get our kicks from watching videos about a depressed scrawny girl with obvious psychiatric issues having grubby meaningless sex with a creepy man she clearly doesn’t even like while possibly under the influence of all kinds of prescription medication, we’d just look at your parent’s honeymoon tape.

Sometimes the easiest way to get near your idol is to follow them everywhere they go and tell them how much you love them. Unfortunately, this has been called “stalking” by the police and it means that our attempt to make Avril Lavigne more then just our MySpace friend won’t come true for a while yet.

Whilst transatlantic relationships are clearly not the way forward, it may be better to turn towards our own glorious nation to find the thing known as a 'woman'. In the nineties, blokes across the land couldn’t leaf through a magazine without seeing melon-bosomed Jordan parading across the cover. Her boobs showed no sign of stopping until the day she realised she looked a bit like a monster from Gremlins.

And, after having surgery to reduce them, you can now own the implants!

So what exactly could you do with two breast implants that at one point elevated the human gargoyle known as Jordan to an unsubtle 32G? Well, that mostly depends on whether you're a boy or a girl. For any ultra-hardcore flat chested female fans, owning Jordan's funbags would be the perfect opportunity to a) see what it's like to have boobs b) experience the thrill of having constant back and neck pain from comedy-sized tits as gravity pulls you down c) having the female equivalent of the Lynx effect as gangs of men – be it old, young, mature, perverted or pre-pubescent – approach you and stare at your chest while completely ignoring your probably beautiful face. 

As far as blokes go, Jordan's wobbly lumps would mean that instead of fondling the pages of softcore lad's mags, they could feel up Jordan for real. And the inner pervert in you will probably prod, push, feel, smell and squeeze the implants all night long. The really dirty minded of you may even try and persuade your other half to don them down her own bra, thus making some sort of super bionic women with mega breasts. 

Speaking about the implants, Jordan said: 

“All my friends have put them in their bra to see what they feel like. They're the size of a mini-pizza.”  

We don’t know about you, but we’ve just gone off mini pizzas. An image of women shoving McCain microwavable pizzas down their tops really doesn’t float our boat. What if the topping was to fall off? Imagine all that sausage and pepperoni getting everywhere; it would look like the person wearing it had some sort of messed-up looking nipple.   

So how much would a piece of booby history set you back? Sadly they're not going cheap and if you wanted to own these knockers, you’ll have to start saving now. Despite Jordan and her plastic-looking husband Peter Andre seemingly appearing in every trashy gossip magazine each week to tell us all about what’s gone tits up in their lives; they appear to be sort of a few quid. The asking price for the implants is one million pounds, with ten percent going to charity.  

Ouch. For that sort of money, we'd imagine the Nuts-reading generation would have to all chip in a pound each and, once enough money was raised, share the joy by posting the implants to each other. If not the common people of the world buying some boobs, who else would really want some worn-in bits of plastic?  

Actually, Cher hasn’t had any reported plastic surgery of late and Madonna's continued battle against ageing will probably force her to pump up her sagging figure. Problem solved then. 

Read More:

Jordan To Sell Implants For £1 million – Digital Spy