Sometimes the easiest way to get near your idol is to follow them everywhere they go and tell them how much you love them. Unfortunately, this has been called “stalking” by the police and it means that our attempt to make Avril Lavigne more then just our MySpace friend won’t come true for a while yet.
Whilst transatlantic relationships are clearly not the way forward, it may be better to turn towards our own glorious nation to find the thing known as a 'woman'. In the nineties, blokes across the land couldn’t leaf through a magazine without seeing melon-bosomed Jordan parading across the cover. Her boobs showed no sign of stopping until the day she realised she looked a bit like a monster from Gremlins.
And, after having surgery to reduce them, you can now own the implants!
So what exactly could you do with two breast implants that at one point elevated the human gargoyle known as Jordan to an unsubtle 32G? Well, that mostly depends on whether you're a boy or a girl. For any ultra-hardcore flat chested female fans, owning Jordan's funbags would be the perfect opportunity to a) see what it's like to have boobs b) experience the thrill of having constant back and neck pain from comedy-sized tits as gravity pulls you down c) having the female equivalent of the Lynx effect as gangs of men – be it old, young, mature, perverted or pre-pubescent – approach you and stare at your chest while completely ignoring your probably beautiful face.
As far as blokes go, Jordan's wobbly lumps would mean that instead of fondling the pages of softcore lad's mags, they could feel up Jordan for real. And the inner pervert in you will probably prod, push, feel, smell and squeeze the implants all night long. The really dirty minded of you may even try and persuade your other half to don them down her own bra, thus making some sort of super bionic women with mega breasts.
Speaking about the implants, Jordan said:
“All my friends have put them in their bra to see what they feel like. They're the size of a mini-pizza.”
We don’t know about you, but we’ve just gone off mini pizzas. An image of women shoving McCain microwavable pizzas down their tops really doesn’t float our boat. What if the topping was to fall off? Imagine all that sausage and pepperoni getting everywhere; it would look like the person wearing it had some sort of messed-up looking nipple.
So how much would a piece of booby history set you back? Sadly they're not going cheap and if you wanted to own these knockers, you’ll have to start saving now. Despite Jordan and her plastic-looking husband Peter Andre seemingly appearing in every trashy gossip magazine each week to tell us all about what’s gone tits up in their lives; they appear to be sort of a few quid. The asking price for the implants is one million pounds, with ten percent going to charity.
Ouch. For that sort of money, we'd imagine the Nuts-reading generation would have to all chip in a pound each and, once enough money was raised, share the joy by posting the implants to each other. If not the common people of the world buying some boobs, who else would really want some worn-in bits of plastic?
Actually, Cher hasn’t had any reported plastic surgery of late and Madonna's continued battle against ageing will probably force her to pump up her sagging figure. Problem solved then.
Read More: