Normally when Paris Hilton needs a new friend, she goes to a puppy mill and buys one that she can stuff in her hand bag.

Since the world-wide puppy shortage, however, that has become impossible. She's tried filling that void with other animals, we heard, but the goldfish died in her mascara case and her squirrel kept trying to store nuts deep inside her. Picture yourself at a million-dollar luncheon, and acorns keep dropping out of your pant-suit. Untolerable.

Paris Hilton has given up her solo friend-search now, and is letting MTV find the yin to her yang, the Japan to her Germany, and the mindless cult to her Charles Manson. Via reality TV.

And if you don't feel enticed enough to apply yet, keep in mind we're pretty sure one of her eyes is a Johnny Depp piece of eight. Certainly that is worth your consideration.

Paris Hilton may have money, but when it comes to friends she is definitely running short. Her brother's possibly wrapped around a tree right now, Richie's too busy extracting milk, Hilton's new boyfriend is embarrassingly named after a very compassionate dog from the seventies and the guy that kept yelling 'fire crotch' was just too sweaty to keep entertaining.

So her search for new friends, as it's just been announced, is going to be a reality TV show. MTV will host it, and throngs of girls will vie to be the one holding the video camera when Hilton finally gets around to making a sequel to her first 'film.' Hilton says of her new show:

"I’m really excited about this concept — I'm going to meet a lot of great girlfriends. I never got to go to college and this will be my chance to be in a sorority and have that experience."

It's not much of a contest really, as we already know the winner will be the girl with the tattoo of Lindsay Lohan squished in a tank tread.

That girl always wins. 

Read More:

Paris Hilton Seeks New Best Friend In Reality TV Show – Reuters

Literally every single aspect of Britney Spears' 2007 has ended up as a painfully embarrassing disaster, but it's not all bad – at least an army of friendless geeks still love her.

Yahoo has just published its top 10 internet searches of 2007, and Britney Spears has come out on top yet again, making her officially bigger than professional wrestling, Saddam Hussein and Fergie out of the Black Eyed Peas. She may be in the middle of her own private hell, but at least by being searched for on Yahoo more than anything else this year, Britney Spears can still take comfort from the fact that she's still popular.

We just wish we had the heart to tell her that most of the searches in full were either for 'Britney Spears' horrible minge,' 'Britney Spears looking like a dick at the MTV awards', 'Britney Spears is a terrible mother' or 'Britney Spears: why?'

Britney Spears has only three mottos in life: knickers are for the weak, never rehearse a comeback when you can just listlessly attempt to wing it in front of an audience of millions instead and start as you mean to go on. Since Britney Spears started 2007 by collapsing unconscious in a nightclub, we can only assume that she takes that motto the most seriously.

And if anything, Britney Spears has just gained momentum as 2007 wore on – head-shaving, puking, botched comebacks, multiple stints in rehab, suicide attempts, accusations of child abuse, shit-smeared magazine photo shoots, car crashes, arrests, speculated unwanted pregnancies, family in-fighting, Gimme More – that's the kind of borderline-tragic year we absolutely wouldn't wish on anyone except for Britney Spears.

But at least all that hard work has paid off, because by dedicating herself solely to the art of ruining every single part of her personal and professional life, Britney Spears has made sure that she's been the most-searched thing on the whole of the internet according to Yahoo.

Yahoo's top searches list of 2007 has been released, and here it is:

1. Britney Spears
2. WWE
3. Paris Hilton
4. Naruto
5. Beyonce
6. Lindsay Lohan
7. Rune Scape
8. Fantasy Football
9. Fergie
10. Jessica Alba

Of course, this is nothing new – Britney Spears has been queen of the internet before a few times, and now she's in the position where even a temporary drop to second place would be enough for Britney to launch into the sort of crying screaming incomprehensible breakdown that she usually only reserves for when she's trying to relay a single piece of simple information to her own children.

But while Britney Spears wonders what terrifying, mentally ill-seeming shenanigans she'll have to pull out of the bag to retain her Yahoo Search Queen crown in 2008, let's not forget that there's still the best part of a month to go until the end of the year. That's why we're urging everyone to go to Yahoo immediately and search for 'Dame Thora Hird's Pubic Hair'. Together we can win this thing. 

Read more:

Britney Tops Yahoo Searches For 2007 – Associated Press