Only America could host the idea of having a commercial about a commercial. And that’s exactly what VW have done in the build-up to the Super Bowl, which of course, is more of a marketing showreel than an actual sporting event.

Hell. American Football is barely a sport in itself. Ostensibly, it’s two teams of androids running at each other screaming. What’s not to like?

Anyway, the commercial about a commercial features a squad of dogs all in Star Wars garb and  together, they sing a very familiar tune. Click over the jump to watch it. And no, we’re not getting paid for this.

Last year, we saw VW flogging their Passat with an advert called ‘The Force’ which showed a little Vader trying to use his powers around the house.

The company behind that have come up with another Star Wars themed commercial and George Lucas obvious doesn’t mind coining it in for zero work. So how do you top Mini Vader? DOGS. And VW stuck out a teaser for the upcoming VW Super Bowl commercial.

And Super Bowl ads are not to be sniffed at. This year, companies are paying an average of $3.5 million for 30 seconds of advertising time in the big game (which is on February 5th).

But you don’t care about that.

You want to see a bunch of dogs dressed in Star Wars outfits singing a song don’t you? Keep an eye out for the AT-AT. Absolute show stealer.

Yes, we know what you’re thinking and stop looking at us like that. You’re one of those Star Wars nerds that hate everything to do with the franchise after 1982, aren’t you? You don’t have any time for Ewoks or Gungans or modern, snazzy computer graphics. You want to watch monsters that move like they’re on rails and Anthony Daniels hamming it up without any interference from the modern world.

You know what? That’s fine.

Pretty much everything to do with Star Wars after ‘The Empire Strikes Back‘ (and maybe ‘Return of the Jedi’) was such a pile of complete dross that it’s enough to make Michael Winner consider re-releasing some of his films updated to HD. Those of you who groaned at the first appearance of the shambling Jar-Jar Binks would have found yourselves doubled over in agony by the time The Clone Wars hit TV screens.

Up until recently, The Clone Wars was all that any Star Wars fan had to give them an indication of what a TV series might be like and guess what: it was crap. It felt like a marketing tie-in designed to transmogrify character models so that Lucasarts could flog more toys to kids that had grown up at a time where Star Wars had become a laughing stock. Of course, as with all of Lucas’ cunning marketing ploys; it worked.

In the first decade of the new millenium, Sci-Fi fans saw its traditional rival ‘Star Trek‘ as the “cooler” option. Sure, a reboot by JJ Abrams is enough to help out any ailing franchise but Star Wars fans were left wondering what was to become of the franchise that reinvented Science Fiction in the 70s’. Would they get a cool reboot designed for the digital age or would George Lucas continually update and adapt the original trilogy until he had eventually replaced the leading cast with computer generated facsimiles of Shia LaBoeuf?

That disturbing image of a future where everyone looks like Shia LaBoeuf brings us back to The Clone Wars. It has long been mooted that the next step for the franchise was onto the small screen and it was understood that scripts were already in place to create a series set between Episode III: The Last Rubbish One & Episode IV: The First Good One. Nothing more was revealed and forums began to melt under the burning loins of fans’ expectations but at long last, producer Rick McCallum has revealed the name and the over-riding theme of the show to IGN.

Star Wars: Underworld

We hear your sharp, sexually excited intake of breath and we applaud you for it. Far from being another kid-orientated romp with all the familiar characters, McCallum & co want to delve into the murky underbelly of Galactic Society. We’re talking gangs, Imperial raids and, perhaps most importantly Bounty Hunters.

Suddenly the idea of a live action Star Wars TV series has merit. Could the main character be the man that has become synonymous with all that was cool about the Star Wars Universe, Boba Fett? Well frankly, you’d bloody hope so, wouldn’t you?

Still, don’t get your hopes up. Despite negotiations being ongoing, the series is still mired in budgetary wranglings. Supposedly it’s quite hard to make something look like Star Wars for $5million per episode. On the off chance that this might actually be good, why don’t we all have a whip-round? hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that we’re willing to offer 20 pence to Mr McCallum to help fund the pilot episode. We can’t say fairer than that.

So, a gritty, grown-up Star Wars series may be another decade away but isn’t something with a bit of sci-fi credibility worth waiting for? We’ll be here watching and waiting and hoping that we don’t end up taking the blame for it being awful.

You’ve seen Sherlock on BBC television right? Yeah, that homoerotic nonsense that all furrowed brows and winks to camera. It’s awful isn’t it? If you’re the kind of swine-nosed, spotty sloven who is now tutting in disgust at such a sentiment, we have news.

Mr Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a face like an iron hand, is going to be in the new Star Trek movie.

The British actor has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 ‘Star Trek’ reboot, according to Deadline.com. And when have they ever lied? And he could well be getting a juicy role.

Of course, you’re not bothered about the role he’ll be getting because you’re still fapping over the various glimpses of flesh that Benny Cummerbund flashes during his tenure as a smack-head violin detective aren’t you?

For those not working their groins up into a froth, Cumberbatch’s role is shrouded in mystery BUT, it seems that there’s mutterings which are growing louder and louder.

The rumours say that he’ll be playing the movie’s villain. Quite possibly Khan. This gives us the chance to mention the original Khan because not only is it relevant, but it’s also the best name ever – Ricardo Montalban.

Cumberbatch has a full diary of late, starring as a British cavalry officer in Spielberg’s ‘War Horse’ as well as a turn in ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. He’s also joining his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman in ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ as the voice of the dragon Smaug.

Honestly. Grown men pretending to be dragons and elves.

Anyway, Benedict joins Chris Pine (Captain Kirk), Zachary Quinto (Spock), Zoe Saldana (Uhura), Karl Urban (Dr. McCoy), John Cho (Sulu) and Simon Pegg (Scotty) in this new Trekfest and everyone can continue having a big ol’ fiddle with themselves.

Hope you’re happy, scumbags.

Simon Pegg – impressively dislikeable since his days in Spaced – is, of course, becoming something of a ‘name’ in Hollywood. Well done him. Basically, he’s Rent-A-Nerd and he’s doing very nicely out of it thankyouverymuch.

If you didn’t know, Pegg starred as Scotty in the remake of Star Trek (the one with him from Heroes in it) and he’s opening and closing his mouth about ‘Star Trek 2′ which is due out in the next couple of years.

Typically, he’s complaining about it, furrowing his pale brow over the rumour that superhuman Khan will be the villain in the forthcoming sequel. Why?

Pegg is under the impression that Khan wouldn’t work because fans have seen him ”before”. That’d be Simon Pegg who plays Scotty who, presumably, hasn’t been seen before. Scotty from Star Trek which totally wasn’t on the TV in the ’60s with various film spin-offs before this rehash.

He said:

“I haven’t heard the name Khan come up. Not to say it won’t come up, but I have heard no mention of him whatsoever.”

“He is a great villain. I don’t want to say too much and then have to eat my words as I often do, but we’ve seen Khan in a Trek movie before. To see him again, how much value is there in that? I don’t know.”

Of course, he might be implying that you’d need an actor with a cooler name than Ricardo Montalban to star as Khan and, indeed, someone willing to wear a plastic torso as well as the finest named actor IN THE UNIVERSE.

But probably not. It’s just Simon Pegg moaning about a stupid sci-fi franchise that totally isn’t nearly as good as Star Wars.

Treklodites will no doubt already be aware that Pegg will once again be joined by Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana. The rest of the world can read that sentence and go back to not caring one jot.

Now, what have we got to do to see a filthy slug disappear down someone’s ear to make us all dry-heave? Even more frightening in German you say?

HUZZAH! *pukes in hand*

Damn it. DAMN IT. Daisy Lowe and Matt Smith have only gone and split up! And broken each other’s hearts and stopped putting aromatic lotions on each other! And frittered away 18 months of honing the beauty of a perfectly entwined soul that came as one when once their eyes first met at presumably a GQ event, but not that that matters, because minor details are futile when you think of the devotion and unity that two people can sha…

Okay, we’re faffing. Not the time to faff, clearly.

So, alright. This has happened. This has happened, and now we have to deal with it. Well, we know what you want. You want the official statement to try and understand why this has happened.  WHY? Why NOW, so close to Christmas?  Why now, so soon after the emotional minefield of Olly Murs’ Children in Need video?

And here’s the other thing – there IS no official statement.

No, we’re not kidding. Why would we joke? Do you think this is funny? Do you think journalism is funny? Well –  it’s not funny. If it was funny, Max Clifford would buy a Babylis Crazy Braid, we’d all just go mental and spell it JURNOLIZUM, and nobody would think their murdered daughter might have come back from the dead, right?

RIGHT.

Alright, fine. No official statement. No biggie. Let’s just piece together what we do know, and try and get a little brainstorming session going. What we DO know, is that a very honest gentleman and founder of very very VERY deeply routed friendship with Matt Smith, whom we only know as, A. Source, (Let’s call him Adolpho, which means ‘Noble Wolf’ in German, for the sake of ease) has reluctantly divulged:

“‘Whenever engagement and marriage was mentioned he was uncomfortable. He’s still a young man and the thought of being tied down was a lot to digest.”

But Adolpho! What about Nietzsche? You know, when he was all “There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness?”  Or when Ed Sheernan said ‘Cos all the HEROIN is making you age, but you’re a HEROINE for taking the strain of being a prostitute and punching bag?‘

Exactly. What Ed and Nietzsche are basically saying here, Adolpho, is that sometimes love is hard, but does that really warrant ceasing to hand bang Daisy Lowe? No, Adolpho, it does not.

Alas, this is exactly what has happened. So, as the old saying goes: If you can’t beat them, cobble together some derogatory quips about the demise of two people who once probably held each other in their arms and we’re genuinely happy – via the process of DAMN GOOD PUNS!

DAMN GOOD PUNS!

Doctor Ooh. That’s a shame.

The Sun went with ‘Sex-terminate.’

We’re fine.

Doctor Who has always been a quirkfest, with machines that don’t work properly, stupidly long scarves, baddies that look like bits of tinfoil and something preposterously called ‘a sonic screwdriver’.

Really, The Doctor is, of all the heroes, the most nauseatingly twee. He’ll be playing a bloody ukulele next. A sonic ukulele no doubt.

Anyway, thank frig the Americans have shown up to save this sorry franchise with some razzle and dazzle. That’s right! America will be getting their hands on Doctor Who and making the explosions bigger, the Doctor more handsome, throwing in a sex scene or two and making him have a proper spaceship as opposed to a stupid telephone box. WHO EVEN USES TELEPHONE BOXES ANYMORE? HAVEN’T THE WRITERS HEARD OF MOBILE PHONES?

Apparently, the Time Lord will be Tinselised by Harry Potter director David Yates who is planning to build a movie franchise around the Dr. Who series.

Harry Potter? That was stupid tweedery as well! But fear not!

Yates says:

“We’re looking at writers now. We’re going to spend two to three years to get it right. It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena.”

A radical transformation! No we’re talking!

Let us hope that K-9 ends up looking like Mechagodzilla, the Tardis ends up looking like an X Wing Fighter, only with bigger guns and that all of the Time Lord’s stupid magic wands are replaced by an arsenal that would make this guy blush…

Basically, the above clip is what the Doctor Who movie should really be aiming for. Fine, fine, fine, the Doctor can still be a super-intelligent humanoid alien who travels through time being sarcastic to everyone, but lets get someone who looks like they could punch a giant hole in a truck!

Matt Smith is not that man. This is the role where Arnold Schwarzenegger can make his Hollywood comeback! It’s perfect! MAKE THIS HAPPEN HOLLYWOOD!

And we don’t have to worry about existing storylines and the like because Yates has promised that he’ll be ‘starting from scratch’.

We might even get some decent baddies too! DALEKS THAT DON’T NEED A DISABILITY RAMP TO GET UPSTAIRS! Oh man, Hollywood. You’re brilliant.

Like World War II, they have come to save our bacon once again!

(Keep Karen Gillan in though, eh?)

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Remember Zachary Quinto? He’s the baddie from Heroes. He’s the latest Spock from Star Trek: Generation X or whatever it was called. Well, there’s a chance you women have seen him and like his mountainous, rugged head.

Well he hates yours. He doesn’t like the sleek curves of a lady’s face. He is completely unaroused by your pouting buttocks.

That’s because Quinto likes angry members, hairy backs, chins like emery boards, toe-nails that look like Quavers and armpit hair. Yessir, Zachary Quinto is as gay as the day is long (24 hours gay, if you’re wondering). How do we know?

While promoting his upcoming flick, Margin Call (some thriller that looks at the financial meltdown of the entire universe), he casually threw the whole gay thing in the ring.

No. Not that kind of ring you disgusting fools.

Also looking at his turn in Angels in America, Zacho Quintary said that the Broadway role had made him realise how lucky he was to have been born in ’77. Basically, he was too late to have witnessed the deliriously awful AIDS crisis’ that occurred in the mid-’80s, when the play takes place.

He says:

“As a gay man, it made me feel like there’s still so much work to be done, and there’s still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed”

See? Casual as you like. He’s gay.

This of course, leaves the door wide open for ugly womenfolk to say “Why are all the best ones taken or gay?” Really, they’re not. It’s you. You’re the problem. All the ‘best ones’ keep running away from you.

And in completely non-hilarious news, is was the suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer that spurred Quinto on to post a message on his personal blog:

“In light of jamey’s death — it became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it — is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality”

There you go boob-havers and bullies. Zachary Quinto dry-heaves at the very thought of you.

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William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him -  is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’.

Right? Right.

The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what tumbles out. That’s why he’s so fun. And when he does think about it for a second, it usually translates into the most hilariously earnest acting you’ve ever seen. That doesn’t stop him from judging other people’s work. Hell no. Why would it? Now, he’s sticking the boot into Star Wars. It’s Star Wars versus Star Trek!

See, despite obvious evidence to the contrary – not that Bill Shatner would know, because he’s never seen Star Trek according to… well… himself – the daft ol’ sod who played Captain Kirk doesn’t think George Lucas’s six-film franchise is a patch on Star Trek.

He told The Sun:

“Star Trek had relationships and stories that involved humanity and philosophical questions. Star Wars was special effects.”

Yep. Star Trek definitely didn’t have any of those. You’ve seen those polystyrene rocks and lousy costumes they all wore, right?

And of course, Star Wars dealt with humanity (the lack of it in Darth Vader; the toil of the human soul in the face of inherent good/intrinsic evil  with Anakin; the cry of OH THE HUMANITY every time Jar Jar Binks appeared on-screen) and philosophy (Yoda – The end) while Star Trek… uuh… well… there was a lot of sitting around waiting for meteors to hit the ship.

But Shatto isn’t done there. He’s laying into Princess Leia, played by Carrie Fisher, adding:

“[She] can’t compare to the marvellous heroines we had on Star Trek.”

That’d be the marvellous heroines who Bill didn’t like talking too much. Nichelle Nichols (Uhura you you-hura) infamously gave The Shat a dressing down, kicking off with ‘Now let me tell you why I hate you‘ before telling him that, despite the few lines she had in the show, he would sometimes argue with the director that an Uhura dialog line was unnecessary.

To quote Nichols:

“Bill Shatner would crap on the last piece of pizza just so no-one else could enjoy it.”

So, aside from Star Trek fans and actors (Nichelle Nichols excepted, of course) all being wholly stupid and mental, Lucas doesn’t compare to Shatner in one field.

Roll VT…

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George Lucas has got everyone thinking about Star Wars again, what with him re-releasing it for the millionth time and, better yet, still tinkering around with it in a bid to utterly infuriate absolutely everyone who loves the films.

Well done George.

So while Lucas meddles, we fiddle. This means we started thinking about the hottest gals from the Star Wars films. When we kicked our measly brains into gear, it transpired that there aren’t too many girls in the Star Wars universe. So who with excite our spaceballs?

There’s a few lists knocking around looking at the fine ladies of the Star Wars universe, but to be honest, they’re all completely rubbish compared to this list.

That’s because we’ve got the nerve/complete lack of shame in fancying non-humans.

Yeah.

You heard.

There’s going to be alien folk in this list. It’s okay though. We’re not proper pervs because it’s only human women in costumes.

It’s not like fancying ET

…and the less said about that particular adult film the better… you’ve seen it too, right? Oh god, don’t go and search for it if not.

Seriously. Don’t.

Anyway, swiftly moving on, here’s our list of most smokin’ Star Wars babes. Start stroking your light sabres now.

Max Rebo Band Backing Dancers

Just imagine what these three gyrating knackpots could do for you after they’ve finished doing a turn for Max Rebo & Co. COR!

Queen Breha Antilles Organa

Regal women always get us hot under the collar. That’s why we flirt with Tories. They’re the dirtiest people on Earth. Christ knows how filthy an actual space queen is!

Oola

You remember Oola don’t you? She’s the one who works for Jabba and, if you’re well on the ball, you’ll know that one of her green boobies pops out of her costume in the film by accident. George Lucas has probably airbrushed that from history, but rest assured, you’ll be able to find it on the internet if you really want to see it.

Aayla Secura

She’s a Jedi fercryinoutloud. What more do you want?

Zam Wessell

Assassin shape-shifter (or something like that), Zam is good looking until you kill her. Then she turns into a horrible lizardy thing. What have we learned? Stay on her good side and don’t kill her.

Shaak Ti

Another Jedi Master. And look at her, all weird and smokin’ hot!

Stass Allie

Another fit Jedi Master. Sadly, her beauty was killed by the evil swine in the Clone Wars. Shame.

Twi’lek twins

These twins barely featured in the films, but were considered good-looking enough to appear on various promotional materials before Episode I came out. And yes, we fancy them even though they have weird ears and long fins of skin instead of a haircut.

Princess Leia

Leia at number 2?! Heresy! Especially given that Chewbacca totally fancies her as well, as the picture shows. Listen, sure she’s mean-ass with a gun and totally got off with Han Solo (the coolest man who ever lived who wasn’t a Beatle), but she’s just not as hot as…

Queen Amidala/Padme

Dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble…

BONUS ROUND:

We have no idea who Dorme Parricida is, but we found her picture on some Star Wars wiki and… well… we rather like her.

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Star Wars, great as it is, is by no means perfect. There’s loads of mistakes in it which are really, quite unacceptable. How can you have a masterpiece with a Stormtrooper smacking his head against a beam?

And so, George Lucas is our saviour, here to iron out all these imperfections and make the film as good as it could be.

His latest move is to take a scene that’s bugged us for ages – the death of Emperor Palpatine – and make it vastly superior by getting Darth Vader to actually emote, rather than stand there like some useless work experience lump in a mobile phone shop.

Lucas has made many small improvements to the original Star Wars trilogy (and he’ll invariably do the same with episodes 1, 2 and 3 in the future also – hopefully ramping up Jar Jar Binks’ involvement to provide excellent comic relief from all that political rubbish).

Remember when he made Greedo shoot first? That was a vital change because, until that point, Han Solo looked like a bit of a racist. Sure, he can be a belligerent goon, but a cold-blooded racist murderer? No thanks.

And now, he’s added a little audio to the scene in Return of the Jedi where Darth Vader finally gets a heart and saves his son Luke from being killed by Palpatine.

This change will be seen in the upcoming Blu-ray collection of the films, and has Vader shouting “No! Noooo!” before he chucks the Emperor down a glowing shaft.

Lucas has also made the Ewoks blink, which is a blessing. Those horrible beady, lifeless eyes staring at you… brrr.

Of course, not everyone is happy with these improvements that Lucas is making. Comedian Paul Scheer wrote:

“If George Lucas continues to change Star Wars at this rate in the year 2028 it will just become Spaceballs.”

What’s wrong with Spaceballs? That’s great too! Fact is, George Lucas is making the changes to Star Wars that have always ruined it as a film. One day, he’ll get rid of all those segments which are wrong, leaving us with a pristine version of the greatest sci-fi franchise ever made.

Thanks George.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger got caught with his pants down. Hardly surprising really seeing as his pants have been down for over a decade after it was discovered that he’d sired some kid with his housekeeper and kept it a massive, stinky secret.

Of course, when his wife found out, she didn’t hesitate in wanting him out of the house and set about divorcing him for lots of money.

While the divorce goes through, you’d think that Arnie would be showing a little humility and remorse. But he isn’t. Instead, as pictures below show, he’s more interested in slagging off Maria Shriver with a t-shirt slogan. That’s nice isn’t it?

Arnie stepped out in a t-shirt that reads:

“I survived Maria”

Survived her by cheating on her it seems. On the back of the grotty article, it read ’2007-2010′, only with the 2007 crossed out and replaced by “1977.”

1977 is not only a terrible album by Ash, but it also marks the year that Arnie started dating Shriver before she became his wife of 25 years.

Next, he’ll be wearing a tee that says “I didn’t use a condom with Mildred “Patty” Baena and all I got was this lousy lovechild’.

Mark our words.

Doesn't he look old?

Weirder still is that Schwarzenegger’s shirt was given to him by his staff from when he was Governor of Cuckooland.

Nice to see that Arnie is taking all this very seriously, especially given that his child is currently fucked after a very serious surfing accident.

Idiot

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Rumours of being a little bit gropey, a secret love baby with the house maid, a Republican and a man who didn’t want to give his wife any divorce money. Yep. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a prize bell-end over the years, especially so in recent months.

It’s concerning the divorce pennies that has seen Arnie looking his most callous. Basically, in America, you say sorry with either rehab or money. Seeing as the actor’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t interested in reconciliation, it’s cash she wants. And for him to then go far, far away until he’s just a speck on the horizon.

However, it seems that Arnold may have had a thought that he may actually have something to say sorry for.

After deciding that a perfectly innocent woman didn’t deserve any financial apology, it appears that Schwarzenegger has had a change of heart by amending the divorce filing and withdrawn a request that a judge terminate Maria Shriver’s rights to spousal support.

See! He does have feelings! And there was us thinking that, if you dug through his ribcage, you’d simply find the robot Terminator head in place of a heart.

Basically, he’s realised how enormously wealthy he is and that he’s more than able… and now willing… to pay Shriver’s attorney’s fees and that he’ll probably sort her out with some cash when this is all done so she can look after the kids.

But not the one he had with the maid. He can piss off.

This suddenly human emotion may well have come about after Shriver and Arnie’s 13-year-old son was hospitalized after a rather horrible body-boarding accident which left him with a collapsed lung.

So well done to that clumsy child. Your terrible surfing ability has drawn blood from the stone that lies in place of Arnold’s emotions.

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Caught with his trousers well and truly ’round his ankles, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the doghouse for a while now. After keeping a child of his secret, which he had with the maid, you’d assume that he would re-emerge more graceful and humble.

However, subtlety isn’t one of Arnie’s strong points, as his consistently hilarious acting career has pointed out time and time again.

Of course, The Terminator is going through a rather sticky divorce, and he’s already playing hardball. Basically, he’s decided that he doesn’t want to pay his beleaguered soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, any spousal support. That’s nice of him isn’t, baring in mind that this situation is entirely his fault.

As well as having sex with the maid, Arnie has a bit of a reputation for being a bit ‘handsy’ when it comes to the ladies (he’s rumoured to be something of an ass worshipper, although we can’t confirm if he has a giant pair of golden buttocks as a shrine in his house… but he probably has) so this news wasn’t exactly shocking.

That said, this child, who he kept secret for a decade, hasn’t exactly made a good impression on a world who already thought he had a rather questionable reputation.

It goes without saying that, should Arnold stick his heels in over spousal support, he can expect to be coughing up an extremely large amount of pennies in an out-of-court settlement.

Thoughtfully, some source will eventually come forward and tell us how much money it takes to make Maria Shriver think that Schwarzenegger is sufficiently sorry.

In Hollywood, remorse is measure in dollars.

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Yesterday, we completely forgot to write about Karen Gillan being found naked on the floor of a hotel in New York. Despite the fact it is quite literally yesterday’s news, everyone still seems to be talking about it today.

So of course, not wanting to miss out on that lovely traffic, invariably being swept up by slow-reacting newspapers that only grabbed a hold of the story today, we’re going to write about it as well.

So yeah. Karen Gillan. Naked. A Doctor Who companion with no clothes on, like that woman who got naked with a Dalek that one time.

So what’s the craic then? Well, as you will have read elsewhere, possibly countless times in a bid to see if anyone has any pictures of the event – which they don’t and never will – Gillan went on the lash in NYC and returned to her hotel rather worse for wear.

The Doctor Who companion was found whimpering on the floor without a stitch on, giving millions of lonely sci-fi loving onanists the opportunity to wank from the bank for the next decade or so.

She and Matt Smith had been on the razz and then it all went wrong for Karen. Karen who ended up naked. Naked on the floor. Whimpering. Whimpering like a wounded deer. A wounded, sexy deer. Your favourite fantasy, come to life. A guest at the hotel heard someone trying to open his door at 7am and it was Gillan with her boobs out. Her drunk boobs. Her drunk, science fiction boobs.

A guest says:

“I went to the peephole and looked out. I saw a man at the lift who was looking back at someone who was attempting to open my door… the next thing I saw was a woman giving this person at my door two towels before getting into the lift and leaving.”

‘Then I saw this young woman, completely naked, trying to wrap two towels around her and not having much luck. She then started to whimper and knock on my door. Seeing that she wasn’t getting anywhere, she lay down with the towels covering her.”

But you know that. You’ve been reading the story over and over again for the past 24 hours straight, trying to get an image of it in your mind so sharp and clear that you’ll never sully your brain with another memory again.

Of course, no-one was available for comment. But nobody cares about that. You dirty buggers are just hoping that some grainy CCTV footage appears in the next couple of days.

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While Arnold Schwarzenegger sits in an unlit room, weeping over a photograph of the family he tore to pieces like a baddie in a blockbuster, we’ve all been wondering what the fresh hell Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena has to say about her secret love-child with the former governor of California.

She’s been showing a rare, dignified silence whilst working out who was going to pay her the most money to talk about the time Arnie forgot to pop a condom on.

And now, Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper has decided to speak up about it all, noting that she only told her son who daddy was about a year ago, which is nice isn’t it?

So, Patty Baena has been keeping something of a low profile since a tabloid feeding pool went nutso about Arnie’s infidelity. It seems everyone has had something to say about it while she sat gawping at her son, muttering ‘Jesus. He really does look like him these days. The poor sod.’

All the while, Arnold’s marriage, a quarter of a century long, imploded with his wife Maria Shriver, feeling stupid for ever trusting him in the first place.

In an interview published by Howdy! magazine, Baena said that, when she told him who his real father was, he simply said:

“Cool!”

We assume he then ran to his room, told all his mates from school and then realised that his identity crisis was about to engulf him and tap into great reserves of melancholy, which could easily be fixed by huge sums of money from a certain star of Terminator.

Patty wasn’t actually sure that Arnie was the father, but she started to see a resemblance as Joseph grew older.

“It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he (Arnold) wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

Of course he didn’t. He’s a cowardly piss of a man. Still, at least Maria Shriver was a little stronger. See, Patty says that Maria had her suspicions and decided to ask Baena point-blank. When she heard the truth…

“She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

Well, it is fair to assume that Arnold can take at least half of the blame, unless Baena… y’know? Let’s not go there, right. That’d be a scoop though, eh? Schwarzenegger raped by feeble housekeeper would be an astonishing headline.

Oh well. That’s what we could’ve won.

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