Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.

See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.

However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.

So who is breaking such a story?

Why, if it isn’t those marvellous swines over at the National Enquirer! Anyone who doesn’t trust those guys needs to have a look at themselves, long and hard.

The Enquirer is the best!

Anyway, a source told the Enquirer this:

“O.J. told me Khloe’s his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends’ wives.”

Ooooh! They continued:

“He used to tell us way back – even before he and Nicole got divorced – that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe’s birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America’s biggest sports hero had fathered a love child.”

Look, we’re not making this up.

And surely, SURELY, the National Enquirer wouldn’t make something up like this. They don’t really have a record for doing as such, do they?

Either way, this must be incredibly exciting news for Khloe Kardashian! Just imagine finding out your dad was OJ Simpson! All those anecdotes he’d have to share with you!

Splendid.

Sportsmen are all uniformly thick. They’re thicker than pig dung and nearly as blank-faced as soldiers. It’s astonishing really. They need assistants to tell them to take their trousers off before going to the toilet. So it shouldn’t surprise us that Kris Humphries was told EXACTLY how to propose to Kim Kardashian.

Just imagine that. Being so insultingly moronic that Kim Kardashian is able to boss you around.

We all know that the proposal ended in a complete sham of a marriage, but what we didn’t know that it was a con from the off, with Kimmy K actually planning Humphries proposal down to the letter. Allegedly, of course. Go away lawyers.

So, the word on the street is that Kris Humphries told his friends and family that his soon-to-be ex-wife planned his wedding proposal to her so it would look nice on her awful cod-reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’

If you saw the proposal, you will have seen Kris proposing in the bedroom of Kim’s mansion. Humphries actually wanted to propose Minnesota. Why Minnesota, we’ve no idea. Minnesota is RUBBI

Radar Online say that  source revealed:

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

“First of all, Kris proposed in the middle of the day, and he had to do that because it would create better lighting to capture the moment. Kim looked so surprised but she knew it was happening.”

“She was in full hair and make-up, as she always is on the show. Kris wanted it to be very intimate and romantic, but all of his ideas were shot down by production officials and Kim.”

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

So basically, Kris Humphries managed to pluck up the brain-cells to mouth ‘will you, duurrr, marry me please Kim – DERP?’, only to be shot down immediately with a ‘this won’t do! Ask me when the lighting is better and I’ll get my people to look at it, run it by the production team and I’ll say ‘yes’, okay? Cool’.

And yet, the stupid lummox still asked her! Sometimes, people really get what they deserve don’t they?

Truth be told, it isn’t very often that one of the debauched members of the hecklerspray bedsit would ever speak of a member of the Kardashian lizard family in any positive manner. Doing so carries a punishment. A punishment that would Max Mosley blush and thank his lucky stars that he only has goes up against Nazis, and not the full extent of the hecklerspray phantom. That’s one sick puppy eating monster.

But today is a special day. Today is a day where it all changes for the awful Kardashian Kartel. It seems that the head of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, had unprotected and probably nasty (it did involve Kris Jenner, and possibly her original face) sex with an unwitting stranger, before eating the poor fool whole and spinning a web over his corpse so Susan Boyle couldn’t pick at the carcass.

Which we know she would.

Who do these claims come from? Well, not from an angry ex-husband or boyfriend, of which the Kardashians have more than chins in a Fat Camp Yearbook, that’s for sure. They come from the unlikely source of Khloe’s own stepmother. Say whaaat? Say what indeed, slovenly reader.

You’ll need to bear with us here, it’s about to get mad complicated.

Jan Ashley, who married Robert Kardashian after Khloe’s mother Kris, has claimed that Robert himself said that Khloe is not his child, and that another man fathered her. Totally debunking the theory that Khloe was stolen from a local farm and put in a Herve Leger dress at the same time. She says:

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said it like it was a matter of fact. He said “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?” And I said… “OK” and that was it.”

Jan Ashley isn’t the only ex-wife of Rob The Stud’s that has come out to say that Khloe’s father is more likely to be the man who injects the pygmy octupus placenta straight into Kris Jenner’s labia. Or the man who carries Kim’s ego around. Or the man who truly believes that anything the Kardashians says is the truth.

Ellen Kardashian (these people are starting to breed like yeast in Kim’s vagina), who married Rob The King of Sex after Jan, pointed out that Khloe looks nothing like the other two members of the Kardashian Kunt Klub, Kim and Kourteney. Which she doesn’t. At all. Kim and Kourteney are statuesque pillars of arrogance, whereas Khloe is a dumpy bag of no mark, nepotistic arrogance. Totally different.

Seriously. If you look at all three Kardashian sisters they’re like peas in the pod. If the pea pod was filled with two green peas and a female-impersonator.

Kong Kardashian has however hit back at these claims, saying on Twitter:

“The audacity you have to mention my father’s name like this! Should be ashamed of urself! I let a lot of things slide but this one is really low… YOU ARE DISGUSTING! (yes you know who YOU are).”

We don’t know why she’s being so frigid about the idea – anyone would have thought she’d jump at the chance to be disassociated from human-toilet Kim and the whole media circus that surrounds the KKK’s.

Khloe, not being a full blood Kardashian means that, this is a perfect opportunity for Khloe to ditch the Kardash Klan once and for all. Maybe get a nice job in a bakery. Perhaps get a LoveFilm subscription and finally get round to watching all the Resident Evil films.

It also means that she is the only one who can defeat Voldemort.

This article featured additional reporting from Lady Robotnik as well as Sir Robin Darke, just so you know.

CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don’t know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.

‘Hugh Grant’s publicist’ (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:

“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not  be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”

Because honesty really, really is by some considered to be something of a policy.

Oh, and for those who prefer their Hugh Grant news in a safer sounding, slightly witty, and altogether more endearing way, as always, here’s the Richard Curtis version of the same official statement.

“Blimey!”

That’s right. Hugh, who is 280 years old, has done a ‘Hugh Grant’ (that’s a bit of a Hugh Grant humour for you there) and become a father for the very first time to an accidental infant girl. Christ, some people have all the 1999 Kids Choice Favourite Movie Couple Blimp Awards luck, don’t they?

No word yet from Hugh on whether or not he gives a toss about this yet. Does he even know? Does Hugh Grant look like the kind of gent who reads the ‘PS’ section of emails? Not with haphazard, free-falling locks like those, that’s for sure.

As you may imagine, we’re head over heels for Hugh, and of course the glowing, irrelevant, and forever anonymous mother, and wish to send a special hecklerspray congratulations to the happy couple.

But wait! What will this little bundle of joy (but more importantly: RESPONSIBILITY) do to Hugh’s saucy, libidinous, constantly-happening-all-the-time sex life, we hear you cry?

What’s that, you say?

Go on. Don’t be shy.

‘Hugh Grant never met a vagina he didn’t like?‘

Guys. That is sick.

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A sports personality we can’t name for legal reasons (not Barry Venison, pictured right, we just like his hair) was this week seen with his similarly unnamed wife arguing in the street with the unnamed person who may or may not been his former lover of an unnamed amount of time.

The sportsman in question, a legend of the sports world with over 900 appearances for an unnamed Manchester football club, had previously taken out a superinjunction that prevented us from reporting on his other extramarital affair, with an unnamed Big Brother contestant.

He and his wife were seen to approach his unnamed sister in law in order to confront her over going to the tabloids and spilling her unnamed guys about the near decade long affair.

“I hope you got paid a lot of money, that’s 2 families you’ve ruined!”

Exclaimed the star! His wife meanwhile, simply referred to the sibling her husband had sex with as a, “whore.” How original.

Naturally we haven’t been able to report any of the really juicy details, like when the unnamed star burst into flames and threw his former mistress into the heart of the sun, ending the issue and any speculation of a possible make up 3-way.

Similarly, we probably shouldn’t have actually mentioned this unnamed incident at all, lest we find ourselves on the receiving end of some extremely boring and ill thought out legal threats.

So, dear reader, please bear in mind that we never wrote this article and you never read anything on hecklerspray about Ryan Giggs or his troublesome travelling tallywhacker.

In fact, we here in the hecklerspray bedsit are currently in the process of filing a superinjunction against ourselves.

Just so we can save you from the filth and lies that we print for your viewing pleasure.

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The British tabloids, and the Daily Mail in particular got to indulge in one of their favourite, and least pleasant, pastimes last week- the vilification of women.

The Mail seems to think that what its largely female readership want is to see attractive young women demonised. Sadly they are probably onto something.

Sometimes you know that what they really want to do is just feature pictures of smiling girls with ‘whores’ crudely drawn over them in crayon.

This time they decided to pick on someone who is just starting to turn her life around after what anyone would consider deeply unpleasant circumstances.

In 2007 a twenty-year old American student went to jail in Italy where she would remain for four years for the murder of a 21 year old woman. A motiveless murder with no solid forensic evidence incriminating her. Well, Knox’s motives that the prosecution had suggested in the trial were ‘satanic ritual orgy’, ‘cult sacrifice’, ‘sex game gone wrong’, and a ‘marijuana-fuelled rage’.

Presumably using the plots from bad movies is a legitimate Italian legal technique.

The jailed woman was of course Amanda Knox, and the murdered woman was Meredith Kercher. Now we weren’t in the room when Miss Kercher had her life cut horrifically short. Like any crime in which we weren’t weren’t directly involved, we only have court decisions to go on. We therefore can only conclude that Miss Knox is innocent as she has not been proven guilty. The presumption of innocence goes back centuries and is demonstrably the fairest and most successful criminal law system used by mankind thus far.

Given this assumption, you might be forgiven for thinking that Amanda Knox therefore deserves some sympathy. The British tabloids didn’t seem to think so. Tuesday’s Daily Mail front page headline was

WEEPING FOXY IS FREED TO MAKE A FORTUNE

This is on the day she has found out she is free. Imagine what the headline would have been if she was laughing?

It seems that regardless of what Miss Knox may be innocent of, she is guilty of being attractive and American. Writers are therefore free to project whatever femme fatale fantasies on to her that they choose. Little has changed since the days of King Edward VIII and Mrs Simpson. In fact so determined were The Mail to demonise her that Thursday’s article on page 7 repeated the accusation

Knox ready to cash in

Was the headline of an article that made no reference beyond pure implication of Miss Knox being  ’ready to cash in’.

There was also a mini-article headlined

Judge: Amanda may know the ‘real truth’

It’s worth printing Judge Claudio Pratillo Hellman’s statement in full because it’s the weirdest legal argument since.. well since ‘marijuana-fuelled rage’.

The truth was created in the trial. But the real truth could be different. They (Knox and Raffaele Sollecito) could be responsible, but the proof isn’t there. So, maybe they know but as far as the jury go, they didn’t.

Thanks for that.

It wasn’t just The Mail of course, but the general concensus was that any relief Amanda Knox showed for being free (as opposed to the rampant reporting of it) was some kind of direct insult of Meredith Kercher’s family. The insult though is that the tabloids decided that the real story isn’t actually the pursuit of the ‘real truth’.

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Tabloid editorial philosophy dictates that when a story is too good to be true, then not only is it probably not, but it almost certainly won’t matter whether or not it is true.

Every so often a news story seems to tick so many of a newspaper’s boxes, but despite the exciting claims made in the headline, you find precious little information in the article itself that backs them up. Normally headlines are written after the story, but not always.

As long as the newspaper isn’t libelling any specific group or individual, then there’s nothing to lose except their credibility. Fortunately this isn’t a massive priority for tabloid newspapers [or us, in fairness, Ed.].

On the front page of The Daily Mail on 26^th August, one such article appeared.

As you all know, The Mail keeps its circulation by maintaining a daily narrative that every aspect of the world that its readers know and love is under threat from dark forces.

PAINKILLERS ‘SABOTAGED’

screamed the headline.

Animal Rights protesters suspected of tampering with Nurofen

Claimed the sub-headline.

So what we have here is a story about thousands of packets of Nurofen Plus, which has a  significant share of the UK analgesic market, being filled with Seroquel XL anti-psychotic drugs by animal rights activists. In case any of you are too young to remember, animal rights activists were one of the popular tabloid baddies before Al Qaeda made terrorism less cool and everyone else took their ball home.

As with other anti-psychotics, the side -effects of Seroquel can include anything from depression (not funny) to a painful and long-lasting erection (a little bit funny).

This is a pretty dramatic attack we’re sure you agree. However, if you read on, the claim that it was animal rights motivated is repeated but the claim is not attributed to anyone. The paper just carried it because it was a health scare, a terrorist attack and probably carried out by hippies.

Last Monday, exactly one month afterwards, a little article appeared on their website (but wasn’t important enough to make it into the main paper the same day) detailing how a 30 year old man was in court charged with tampering with five packets of Nurofen. And all mentions of animal rights have disappeared.

Of course none of this came as much of a surprise to Dr Aomesh Bhatt, the Medical Director for Nurofen Plus who was quoted by a different news source on the same day as the original Daily Mail story appeared:

Nurofen Plus has a firm policy of not testing on animals. We don’t know where the Daily Mail got their story.

We do- from the nightmares of their readers.

Other highlights from last week included…

The flexible morality of The Sun and The Mirror. Remember when the tabloids all expressed disgust at paparazzi photographers trying to sell pictures of a dying Diana? What about pictures on the front page of Michael Jackson’s corpse looking decidedly less busy than it was in the Thriller video? Well that’s completely different. At least The Mail managed to wait until page five.

The Sun missing the REAL Rihanna exclusive. Tuesday’s Sun featured shots of a scantily clad Rihanna dancing about in a farmer’s field near Bangor, Northern Ireland. The leering article (sample quote: “she even whipped out her Bangors”) ended with

the farmer must have thought that all his harvests had come at once.

In the next day’s papers, it turned out that the farmer wasn’t quite so pervy after all. 61 year old Alan Graham became the Daily Mail’s hero when he found the shared ground between protestant principled prudery and ‘farm fanny film’ fearing feminism.

Far from Alan wanting to take Rihanna to the shed for a good milking, he had actually taken offence at the scenes and asked Rihanna to stop shooting.

*sigh*

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Over the summer we had riots and phone hacking. Everything’s gone quiet now and we’re left with the old bogeymen.

The Mail sees global warming as some kind of conspiracy that involves the BBC, the lib dems, Richard Dawkins and someone at a council who wants to rebrand Christmas as Winterval.

In fact on Monday they managed to combine a climate change story with another of their favourite topics when they discovered that wind turbines were immigrants (‘Two thirds of the UK’s wind turbines are foreign-owned’).

It’s this obsession that has inspired them to make one of the biggest stories of the week actually be about a book with a factual error in it. This isn’t normally news, but this time the book was an atlas and the error was an exaggeration of the effect of global warming on the coastline of Greenland. Therefore making it all into a sinister plot to force people to recycle their glass for the twisted sexual pleasure of Guardian-readers.

On Wednesday they managed to compare the liberal democrats to flat-earthers accusing them of “clinging to long-disproved theories in unshakeable denial of realities staring them in the face”. On the same page there was an essay about the vast exaggeration of global warming.

The Sun gets our thumbs up for hysterical headline of the week. Ken Clarke is the kind of Conservative of whom the right wing press is very wary. For all his faults (and believe us, he has them) he’s a libertarian and a pragmatist. Pragmatism requires compromise.

The more passionate people are about a news story, the more newspapers they’ll buy, so dressing up compromise as defeat is always good policy to make the masses see red. Remember IRA terrorism in Britain? In order for that conflict to be resolved, pragmatism was required. Do you think the tabloids saw the big picture or do you think they just tried to stoke the anger of their readers every time anything was given to Sinn Fein? Incidentally we always liked the way they were referred to as ‘the troubles’. There was something stiff upper lipped about it. We’d like to see more patronising understating of serious issues. Palestine and Israel can be rebranded ‘the tiff’. The Arab Spring would be ‘the hissy fits’.

Anyway back to Ken.

Ken has been trying to get prison reforms pushed through the House of Commons. We won’t bore you with the details, but the aim is to reduce the prison population which has more than doubled in the last 20 years.

Tuesday’s Sun helpfully condensed the reforms down to the wonderful headline ‘Ken: Free All The Monsters’ like an order from an insane scientist.

And to think there are those that think that the press stifle debate just as much as they encourage it.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger got caught with his pants down. Hardly surprising really seeing as his pants have been down for over a decade after it was discovered that he’d sired some kid with his housekeeper and kept it a massive, stinky secret.

Of course, when his wife found out, she didn’t hesitate in wanting him out of the house and set about divorcing him for lots of money.

While the divorce goes through, you’d think that Arnie would be showing a little humility and remorse. But he isn’t. Instead, as pictures below show, he’s more interested in slagging off Maria Shriver with a t-shirt slogan. That’s nice isn’t it?

Arnie stepped out in a t-shirt that reads:

“I survived Maria”

Survived her by cheating on her it seems. On the back of the grotty article, it read ’2007-2010′, only with the 2007 crossed out and replaced by “1977.”

1977 is not only a terrible album by Ash, but it also marks the year that Arnie started dating Shriver before she became his wife of 25 years.

Next, he’ll be wearing a tee that says “I didn’t use a condom with Mildred “Patty” Baena and all I got was this lousy lovechild’.

Mark our words.

Doesn't he look old?

Weirder still is that Schwarzenegger’s shirt was given to him by his staff from when he was Governor of Cuckooland.

Nice to see that Arnie is taking all this very seriously, especially given that his child is currently fucked after a very serious surfing accident.

Idiot

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We look to our pop stars for bad behaviour because… well… in some cases, it’s all they have. We certainly don’t want to listen to all that stupid music they release. Music costs money and investment of time. Hearing that famous people have been dicks is free.

Especially badly behaved are rappers. God we love rappers. They have guns and drugs in their big cars. Some of them even get shot dead like Tupac.

However, stupid Dizzee Rascal is rather well-behaved. So well behaved that, when he was thrown off a British Airways flight, the passengers stuck up for him.

Dizzee, probably wishing he opened a who silo of whoop-ass on the BA staff, was accused of kicking off when he discovered his flight was delayed.

Rascal (his real name) and his fellow passengers were sat on a the plane and left waiting for more than an hour on the runway. Dizzee was supposed to be at a festival in Portugal. He didn’t make it.

Someone called John Godsland, stuck up for the rapper as well as dramatically adding that he will never fly BA again, told the Standard:

“We had been on the plane for about an hour, Dizzee had been asleep, and he woke up and there was a female member of cabin crew walking past and he said to her something along the lines of, ‘What’s going on? What are we still doing here? What’s happening?’”

Then, the passenger added that the flight attendant started “wagging her finger at him” before getting the captain to throw him off the flight into the waiting arms of the law.

Another passenger, this one called Gillian Beeby, tweeted:

“On a flight to Portugal and disgusted by BA’s treatment of a person who got thrown off due to a member of staff being rude. BA has just thrown Dizzee Rascal off flight to Portugal – appalling behaviour by BA staff who inflamed situation!”

There you have it. Airline workers can have rappers in a fight.

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There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask.

The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber’s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, “I Want Candy,” and, “Crazy Little Party Girl.”

Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson.

THAT’S RIGHT! Despite being dead for over 2 years, it’s time for yet another instalment of, ‘What inappropriate thing has Wacko Jacko done now?’

According to poor, sweet little Aaron (now 23 and somewhat less cute than he once was), during his early teenage years he spent a lot of time hanging out with The King of Pop, which would be a dream come true for any impressionable young singer.

It was during his time spent with Jackson that Carter claims that Jacko brought out the Jesus Juice and proceeded to ply the underage pop sensation with wine and cocaine.

Now why would a fully-grown man need to give an unsupervised minor entrusted into his care intoxicating substances? No, seriously… if anyone could tell us that would be great, the only things we can think of would result in our, rather overworked, lawyer having a heart attack if we published them.

Carter was quoted as saying:

“I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me.”

Which sounds downright sinister to us. His mum even had to call the police in when she found out what Jackson had been doing to her poor sweet little boy.

For now, let’s just take some time to remember Aaron in his more innocent days:

If only it was just Candy that wanted you, eh Aaron?

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Jade Goody – a creation of Lord God when he was either experimenting too much, or was drunk. Really, that is the only conclusion we can draw when trying to analyse and work out this woman.

Previously confined to one of London’s many gutter suburbs, her shrieking ways were projected to a far greater audience when she entered the Big Brother 3 house five years ago. Yes, that’s right: five bloody years ago.

Unlike most Big Brother contestants, this annoying cockroach didn’t lose its head after the show ended and consequently die out of the public’s view a year later. Strangely, she managed to keep a decent profile in the public eye and launched successful perfumes despite them smelling like a cross between vomit and Lynx Africa.

But when her fame did start to run out, she returned to the one thing that gave birth to her – Big Brother. In 2007 she returned as a “celebrity” and gave the show all the publicity it needed. Sadly 54,000 complaints of racial abuse wasn’t what Channel 4 had in mind.

Despite being called Celebrity Big Brother, the show still had Jade Goody featured as a contestant and a host of other people apparently classed as ‘celebrity’ for the most arbitrary reasons. Randomly, and to our delight, Jermaine Jackson was included. For the duration of the show, the hecklerspray office was full of crap references to the Michael Jackson kiddy touching case and constant plays of Jackson 5 records.

Those were the good times.

Channel 4 also promised us the inclusion of a massive film star – technically they did include Shilpa Shetty who is a major Bollywood star, but most people from Stoke were left scratching their arse and asking “who is that woman from the local curry house?” Sadly for Shilpa, Jade and fellow racists Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd also joined in the fun of picking on someone who was slightly different to them. Choice comments from the trio of hags included:

“I’ve seen how she goes in and out of people’s arseholes”, suggesting that Shetty “makes [her] skin crawl”, calling her ‘Shilpa fuckawhiler’ and ‘Shilpa Poppadom’.

Other accusations included the usage of the term ‘paki’ – a word that we feel embarrassed to use, even for comedy effect in making Jade Goody look even more like a massive fuckwit.

Consequently the British public wasn’t dumb enough to fall for Jade’s teary pig like squeals as she later tried to amend her bullying ways. Her fellow racist sidekicks including the blond one from S Club 7 and some model from Essex also faced negative runs of publicity.

In the time Jade has spent away from our TV screens, not making us cry with rage, Jade has done pretty much nothing. Though we did find this very random deal for a “Watch it” cookbook. Unfortunately it’s not 101 uses for bacon, ham, gammon and sausage but a cookbook for Christmas dinner. If you missed it last year then rummage around in the discount section of your local Quality Save for it. The blurb says:

“I was pretty useless in the kitchen but Watch it…Do it has given my confidence a huge boost and I’m actually looking forward to cooking the turkey this year! Ordinary Recipe books tend to scare me as I don’t really know the basics but with Watch it…Do it, I know that all the steps are there to follow from peeling and slicing to actually cooking. If I can follow the recipes to make a delicious Christmas dinner…anyone can! They make the perfect Xmas present!”

The follow up for the Easter egg decoration kit obviously hasn’t been commissioned.

Consequently, Jade has had to revert to her past again and leech off Big Brother. Whilst she’s not being put in the Big Brother 8 series to mock people with disabilities, she is instead being taken to India to take part in the show known as “Big Boss”.

No surprises for guessing that Shilpa Shetty is the host and will probably take great delight in watching Jade ask the contestants why the don’t speak English and what that dot in the middle of their head is for. The Guardian reports:

“She was really upset about everything that happened after the scandal last year. She really wants to clear her name and prove to everyone that she’s not a racist.”

Of course the reported £100,000 payment for her involvement has nothing to do with things whatsoever. Still, we can’t argue – she’s out of the country for a while and we only have to deal with Big Brother for another month or two ’til we get to see what crap deals the rest of them sign up to.

It’s time to close out week-long look at the next scandal to take down a US presidential candidate. It’s been fun. No, really.

That means it’s your last chance to place a bet on it, too – remember, it has to be a new scandal and it has to be confirmed by one of the big cable news channels to count. And, honestly, do you want the joy of hearing that a presidential candidate has driven around drunk to be tainted with the disappointment of not winning any money when it happens? Thought not.

Here are the US election betting odds for an adultery scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

Adultery – Adultery and politics go together like milk and cookies. And there’s nothing unusual about that, because everyone knows that there’s always a magical lusty spark present whenever ambitious young people meet old folk who are desperately ugly, hopelessly self-interested and stink of wee slightly but happen to have a vaguely powerful job. But will any of the remaining Democratic and Republican presidential candidates get caught up in an adultery scandal? Face it, if anything’s going to get them, it’s this. John McCain‘s first marriage broke up because, by his own admission, he couldn’t keep it in his pants, and if she’s got any sense then Hillary Clinton‘s first job in office will be to find a suitably fat-mouthed intern to have oral sex with just to see how he likes it. Barack Obama seems to be the only presidential candidate not tainted by an adulterous past, although that’s probably because his wife is ridiculously out of his league. Anyway, our advice here is to place a gigantic bet on this and then go and shag one of the candidates. You’ll become insanely rich, although you’ll probably never scrub away the shame of letting John McCain touch you with his willy. Current US Presidential election betting odds – 6/4

Next week – Big Brother betting odds! Maybe! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power US elections betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

The US presidential election is getting closer and closer, which means you have less and less time to cynically profit from it.

So thanks heavens for us – we’ve got all the US election betting odds you could ever wish for right here. Not the important betting odds about who’ll win, you understand, but what the next scandal to blow up in a candidate’s face will be. It’s better this way. Trust us.

Here are the US election betting odds for a DUI scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

DUI - It’s unlikely that any of the remaining Democratic and Republican presidential candidates would be arrested for DUI now, because they can’t even go for a piddle in private these days without 250 secret service officers accompanying them into the toilet and checking their genitals for suspect devices, so they’re hardly likely to be able to get shitfaced and have a drag race with a 17-year-old in a clapped out Golf GTI, are they? But all three serious presidential candidates have lived long lives before entering the political arena, so it’s not beyond reason that one of them might have got in trouble for DUI in the past. It’s just a matter of digging into their pasts closely enough for long enough. For all we know there could even be truth to the rumour that, in his youth, John McCain got hammered on mead and rode a dinosaur into the side of a volcano. Chances are, though, that it’s all deeply unlikely and the only way that either Barack Obama, John McCain or Hillary Clinton would get arrested for DUI is if someone spiked their drink and sat them at the wheel of their campaign bus when everyone else was sleeping. Which, admit it, would be kind of funny. Current US Presidential election betting odds – 8/1

Tomorrow – drug abuse! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power US elections betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Now that Eurovision has come and gone and depressed all British people, it’s time to look for something else to bet on. Sadly, nothing’s quite as important as Eurovision, so we’ve settled on the next best thing.

That’s right, the US presidential elections. But we’re not going to bother ourselves with any of this ‘Who’ll win?’ malarkey – instead we’re focusing on what the next scandal to hit the candidates will be. None are likely to be as funny as Barack Obama‘s kooky reverend, but if they happen and get confirmed by either Bloomberg, CNN or Fox, you’ll win. Profiting from other people’s misery – what could possibly be sweeter?

Here are the US election betting odds for a shop lifting scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

Shop Lifting – Of all the scandals that could hit the remaining Democratic and Republican presidential candidates next, shop lifting would probably be the most fun to witness. Sure,  shoplifting might not have the dire political implications of, say, campaign financing irregularity or the tabloid newsworthiness of an affair – but it is the funniest scandal, and that’s what’s important. But while a resurfacing scandal about a decades-old shop lifting incident would be funny – just to see a ruddy-faced newsagent accuse Barack Obama of swiping a comic book 30 years ago – it’s not what we want. Admit it – we want to see presidential candidate get caught shop lifting something now. We want to see CCTV footage of John McCain wandering into a supermarket in a big coat and stuffing it full of frozen chickens when the security guard has his back turned. We want to see Hillary Clinton claiming that she accidentally forgot to pay for the eight bottles of red wine that she shoved down her tights. Hand on heart, we’d vote for any candidate who habitually stole minor items from convenience stores just to see if they could. If we were American, that is. Current US Presidential election betting odds – 50/1

Tomorrow – DUI! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power US elections betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.