And so another year rolls around, and thousands of orphans will be performing song-and-dance routines, begging you not to turn your back on them, like everyone else they ever gave a damn about has.

Early reports suggest that a quartet of hookers could be the next Pussycat Dolls, but no doubt they will be usurped at some point by a sniveling effeminate teen who has promised his dying nan that he will win X Factor for her. Regardless that she’s never seen it. It’s the television highlight of the autumn, and yet, they never quite get the winner right.

In a perfect world, these people would all be trillionaires…

Series One, Rowetta Satchell

In the same manner as David in Big Brother, Rowetta was a big northerner with no volume control on her own voice, and she seemed a little bit brain damaged. Some of which could possibly be explained by her years on the road with The Happy Mondays, who absolutely adored taking heroin. Still, when she really let loose on a song, it was like being in the company of a roaring angel who was attempting to seduce you, and yet she lost out to Steve Brookstein – a man who always looked like he might just have some condoms in his pocket.

Series Two, Chico Slimani

Series Two was won by Shayne Ward, who specialised in singing very sensually, with his eyes fixed on the camera. Unfortunately, any sense of young sophistication was totally obliterated when his family came into shot, and appeared to be getting pissed up and groping one another. He should never have won. In the perfect world, Chico would have got through, not just because he was a goat farmer who liked showing women his gentlemanly penis, but because he wrote his own songs. What time is it? Then you say, “Chico time!”

Series Three, Eton Road

Leona Lewis was an unworthy winner. We base this on the fact that her pre-song wave was as limp and pathetic as an amoeba’s flannel. In fact, it was barely even a wave, more like a really shy mouse timidly attempting to catch the attention of a passing bus. It was a stupid wave. Certainly not a winners wave. Yet, over in Louis’ camp, Eton Road had a real winner’s wave – arms almost completely vertical in the air, strong, solid, confident. Plus they had Anthony and The Johnsons on lead vocals.

Series Four, Rhydian Roberts

No doubt about it, that Leon kid shouldn’t have won. He was totally crap. The only reason anyone appeared to like him was because he’d attended the first audition alone. There’s a sign there. Perhaps that no one back home thought he could sing very well? Still, win he did, leaving the entire nation agog that Rhydian the opera maniac hadn’t got it, or, at the very least, that podgy dinner lady who found her dead father clutching his heart with one hand, and the entry forms with the other. How we never tired of that story.

Series Five, Ruth Lorenzo

Last year, Alexandra Burke was actually the third or fourth best female solo singer. There was the crackhead who kept threatening to brick Dannii in the face, the hiccupping hippy girl who spent the weekday evenings smearing butter all over the little singing boy’s weird torso, the amazing jazz singer who was banging the producer. And then there was Ruth Lorenzo, who had big juicy bosoms, and managed to scream her way through an impressive rendition of Purple Rain. She should have won. Her or the jazz one.

This fat wedge of TRUTH was a guest blog from Josh Burt from Interestment. That’s right, be impressed.

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Leon Jackson, we all know him as the crying little Scottish boy who appeared on X Factor in 2007.

When it got down to the grand final between himself and freaky silver-haired Rhydian Roberts it was genuinely assumed that Rhydian would win. Probably because he was a better singer and didn’t weep as much.

Somehow, Leon clinched victory and won a lucrative record contract. Rhydian lost, but still managed to get an album deal. Now it appears that Rhydian Roberts has had the last laugh as his rival has been dropped by Sony. We’re trying not to cry either.

If you’ve ever been bored then you’ll know there are conspiracy theories flying around about the 2007 X Factor final. People claimed they couldn’t vote on the night for their preferred choice of Rhydian with the phones being constantly jammed. On the other hand, it was easy to waste your money when ringing up to vote for Leon Jackson.

Think about it like this everyone. Rhydian mostly sung in a classical style, and no-one under the age of 60 likes classical music. Evil lord of music Simon Cowell knows this and needed to appeal to a younger crowd. Leon Jackson was perfect – teenage girls liked him and so did their mothers who came to his rescue when he cried about stubbing his toe on a door, or not being able to break a Kit-Kat in half correctly.

Of course, his debut karaoke single went straight in at number one following his success. He literally sold a gazillion copies of When You Believe which has already been sung by ropey American divas Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. After the initial success, Leon trotted off to a secret musical bunker somewhere underneath the earth to work on his debut album.

Released nearly a full year later Right Now crash landed at number four in the UK. Most bands who aren’t the product of reality TV shows would have been proud with this result. But it seems that the powers that control Leon have decided this is a piss poor thing to have achieved. Especially when the runner up does better than you. Now Magazine reports:

“The LP only notched up sales of 130,000 while runner-up Rhydian Robert’s self-titled first album sold 500,000 copies”.

So how did our former champion take the news? Quite likely, he flooded the room with salty tears and nearly drowned everyone. Amongst weeping he did manage to say:

“I had a great year and learned so much recording and releasing my album. Every artist knows these things can go either way. I’m really looking forward to my tour and doing more writing.”

This basically means he’s really fucked off about being dropped and is determined to write 5000 songs so he can choose the best for his new album and prove everyone wrong. He can do so if he wishes, but we know it’ll be shit regardless.

So far, Leona Lewis is riding high with high profile sales across the entire world. Now, hopes are pinned on her clone and 2008 X Factor winner Alexandra Burke to achieve the same results as Leona when her album is unleashed on the public.

If she does make a right arse of it, we’re sure that she’ll be joining Leon in the dole queue or on TV shows where the only contestants they can get are failed reality TV stars from the past.

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X Factor ended less than a month ago but, like a child trying to cope with a disturbing period of abuse, we've already blocked it out emotionally.

As such, we can't remember a single thing about last year's X Factor – we seem to recall that it was won by a plank of balsa wood dressed as Frank Sinatra that couldn't stop crying, but that's about it. Anyway, apparently someone from X Factor called Rhydian Roberts has just signed a million-pound record deal.

Wait, no, it's all coming back. Make it stop! Lord, make it stop! Mother! The pain!

X Factor is called X Factor because to win it you can't just be a good singer, you have to have another, more elusive quality. Judging by the last two X Factor winners Leona Lewis and Leon Jackson, it looks like the 'X Factor' in question is a crippling inability to say, do or think anything to prove that you've got the remotest sliver of a personality tucked away inside your probably robotic brain.

But Rhydian Roberts, runner-up in last year's X Factor competition, doesn't have that problem at all. He oozes with personality. Trouble is, it's the personality of a dickhead.

That much was clear from Rhydian's very first X Factor audition when Sharon Osbourne called him 'vile' and Dannii Minogue mimed a puking fit after he left – and became even more clear when he eventually lost X Factor to Leon Jackson, spent the entire evening sulking bitterly in a corner, made some weird claims about the result being a fix and avoided the X Factor wrap party because he was too busy standing on a rock in the middle of nowhere screaming swearwords at the moon.

The truth is that Rhydian lost X Factor because people either love his shouty operatic hits-from-the-musicals shtick or they hate it, depending mostly on whether they're retired librarians called Gerald who go on walking holidays and collect commemorative coin sets or not.

But that hasn't stopped Rhydian from continuing his steel-eyed march to oppressive catch-all success. Leon Jackson may have won the battle by getting the Christmas number one, but Rhydian Roberts is determined to win the war, and now he has just officially signed a million-pound record deal with Sony BMG as well as getting a vague offer from Andrew Lloyd-Webber to be the star of the forthcoming Phantom Of The Opera 2: Viva Rock Vegas. And what has Leon Jackson got, huh? HUH?

That means that Rhydian Roberts is preparing to unleash himself as an actual popstar, hoping to emulate the second-place X Factor success of the evil Scouse ventriloquist dummy and the sad binman. Or maybe Rhydian will do better than that. Maybe Rhydian will go on to become one of the biggest popstars this country has ever produced.

If we're distant for the rest of the day it'll be because we're trying to work out how we did that emotional blocking thing from earlier. We get the feeling we'll be needing it.

Read more:

Rippling Rhydian: X Factor runner-up has the muscles but not the tan to fit in with the beach hunks – Daily Mail 

Chances are that Rhydian Roberts expected to wake up this morning as the X Factor champion, but that just didn't happen thanks to the inexplicable popularity of that funny-looking Scottish boy with the ratty hair.

Historically the X Factor silver medallist is consigned to a simple future – one badly-selling album of Michael Ball cover versions that only gets television coverage on GMTV and then a couple of years of doing corporate shows for 50p and a handful of cakes – but Rhydian Roberts might just escape that, because Simon Cowell has signed Rhydian up and wants him to rush an album out before he ends up inevitably playing the Phantom Of The Opera. And, all being well, Rhydian's album To You Love Rhydian: Rhydian Sings The Best Of Ball should be released early next year.

Perhaps our favourite moment from Saturday's X Factor final came during ITV2's The Xtra Factor – look, it's a professional obligation, OK? We don't watch these things out of choice – when everyone was congratulating newly-crowned X Factor champ Leon Jackson except for Rhydian Roberts who, having expected to win the show from his very first audition, bitterly sat alongside him staring into nothingness like a man watching his house burn down.

Clearly Rhydian's tears were understandable – not only had he let the X Factor production team primp him up like an albino, shape his eyebrows and slap three inches of foundation onto his face, but he also had to come to terms with the fact that perhaps millions of teenage girls weren't so keen on a relentless barrage of one shouted churchy operatic ballad after another – but they were misplaced, because Simon Cowell has decided to sign Rhydian Roberts up after all.

You see, Simon Cowell has come to realise that the pop chart is a fickle bastard, and to get any sort of lasting career out of a reality TV gonk you have to make them produce an album full of operatic standards and pop hits made to sound like operatic standards with a picture of them looking thoughtfully serious in a suit as the cover. You know, the sort of think your Mum would like. It's worked for Il Divo and Paul Potts so far, and now it's time for it to work for Rhydian Roberts.

But there's one thing standing in the way of Simon Cowell's dream, and that's toady old Andrew Lloyd Webber. Even though he apparently turned Rhydian down on that godawful Joseph And His Slightly Girly Frock Coat show of his, Andrew Lloyd Webber is apparently hell-bent on getting Rhydian to star as the Phantom Of The Opera in a new Phantom Of The Opera sequel he's written about the hilarious exploits of the Phantom when he loses his job and has to go and live with his cantankerous father on a scrap metal yard singing songs like You Dirty Old Man and Whoops! (A Rat's Crawled Up My Pipes).

Not that Simon Cowell cares, of course. He'd release an album by a diarrhoea-stricken goat if it made him money, and nothing will stand in his way of doing that with Rhydian. An insider told The Sun:

“Simon is relaxed about Rhydian doing Phantom but he wants to make sure he gets his record deal done first. That way Andrew Lloyd Webber has to work around Simon rather than the other way round.”

So, despite him moping around like a bereaved mother on Saturday night, it looks like everything's coming up Millhouse for Rhydian Roberts. And the spirit of goodwill doesn't end there – Simon Cowell is reportedly close to offering X Factor third-placers Same Difference a deal as well. Admittedly that deal is 'get off my property now and I won't set the hounds on you', but a deal's a deal.

Read more:

Rhydian: 2nd But I've Got A Deal – The Sun 

Leon Jackson – the red-eyed Scottish boy who only managed to stop crying for about three seconds in the entire second half of 2007 – has won X Factor.

It was a surprise result for sure, since operatic weirdo Rhydian Roberts had been tipped to become the X Factor winner right from day one, but Leon Jackson proved that he had the winning mix of weird-haired good looks, strong regional support and the ability to burst into tears every time he said a word that even sounded like 'mum'. And now, thanks to his X Factor win, Leon Jackson has been almost guaranteed to get the Christmas number one with his single When You Believe – a song that was instantly available to download for anyone who wasn't completely sick of the twatting thing after it was played about 19,000 times in a row during the last 20 minutes of the X Factor final.

X Factor winners never enjoy guaranteed success. Although last year's X Factor winner Leona Lewis is doing OK at the moment, there's every chance that the 2004 X Factor winner Steve Brookstein is that man you've seen sleeping in a puddle of his own sick in the doorway of Primark lately. The future that awaits Leon Jackson, who won this year's X Factor last night, is unknown. All we know is that the X Factor final itself went on for so long that church groups plan to show it to non-believing schoolchildren to try and explain what purgatory is like.

Even though his first X Factor performance was a terrified, badly-screeched skronk-jazz version of Can't Buy Me Love by The Beatles that was so terrible that it barely even classified as music, Leon Jackson somehow rose and rose throughout the ranks to upset the bookies and score a surprise X Factor victory yesterday. How did Leon manage this? We think we've got a few ideas…

1 - X Factor is a show geared towards teenage girls with such laser-precision that it may as well be called OMG He Iz So Gawjus LOL!!!1! and that's why young boys always do so well at it. Given that the only boys in the 14-24 category were Andy Williams (a good-looking chap with all the intellect, charisma and singing ability of your nan's pubes) and Rhydian Roberts (an undoubtedly decent singer, but one who happens to look like a Norwegian sex offender), Leon Jackson got through by falling somewhere between the two.

2 - The X Factor final was set up as a Battle Of The Nations, with Rhydian representing Wales, Leon Jackson representing Scotland and Same Difference representing England. Assuming that 90% of the English vote, mortified that they've had both Scooch and Same Difference acting as their national ambassadors within the space of a year, committed suicide at 7:15 last night, that left Scotland and Wales duking it out. And Scotland is bigger.

3 - The X Factor final was Rhydian's to win and he threw it away. His granny-pleasing opera shtick is dull enough on its own, but the X Factor guest star performance reinforced that immeasurably. While Leon Jackson sang Better The Devil You Know with either Kylie Minogue wrapped in a net curtain or Barbara Windsor doing an impersonation of Kylie Minogue wrapped in a net curtain, Rhydian was lumbered with Katherine Jenkins – a woman who was supposed to perform a duet of You Raise Me Up but just ended up shrieking like an over-amplified dolphin trying to wail the theme-tune to Star Trek while getting stabbed. Plus Rhydian looked as if someone had shaped his eyebrows, the big git.

4 - Leon Jackson cries at everything all the time, and X Factor viewers love it when people cry. And although he's cried out of nerves and a love for his mother in the past, on yesterday's X Factor Leon Jackson went the whole hog and actually cried at a homemade pamphlet about Hinduism. Leon Jackson cried about Hinduism. A man with that amount of tears deserves to win everything, right?

Whatever the reason, though, Leon Jackson was crowned winner of X Factor last night. Usually the result section of the X Factor final is marked by the host crowing about how many millions of people have voted, but this time there was none of that. So we can assume that either the crackdown on television voting prevented this from happening, or only a couple of people could be bothered to vote. And those people should look at themselves very hard each time that When You Believe by Leon Jackson is played on the radio.

Because, let's not beat around the bush, When You Believe is awful. It's like Simon Cowell owns a computer that can churn out faux-aspirational power-ballads at the drop of a hat. Nevertheless, When You Believe will sell a bundle and get to Christmas number one, and only after that can we judge Leon Jackson properly. Simon Cowell has learnt his lesson and has promised that he'll take his time with Leon's album, you see, just like he did with Leona Lewis. After all, it takes time to craft a decent album of bad Radio 2-friendly cruise-liner jazzpop, and Cowell ruddy knows it.

But now isn't the time to be cynical, because Leon Jackson has won X Factor and this is his moment of glory. All hail the new David Sneddon!

Google it. You'll understand.

Read more:

Leon Jackson: The Winner Speaks – X Factor 

So this is it, the last time we mention X Factor around these parts this year, at least until we stop to marvel at the dreadfully mushy power ballad that Rhydian Roberts will release as his first single right before Christmas.

Have you placed an X Factor bet this season yet? You'd be sort of dumb if you haven't – even though there's a clear favourite to win, the odds are still remarkably long. Maybe it's time you took a punt – there's really not any way it could be any harder. And then at least when you've won a pile of money from the result of the X Factor final you'll feel a lot less dirty about basically funding Louis Walsh's hair-fluffing habit. So – last X Factor betting odds of the series. Ready?

Good – then here are the X Factor betting odds for Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

Rhydian Roberts – One of our biggest complaints about X Factor is that it goes on for so long that we're completely bored of everything by the time it's finished. And that couldn't be more true of Rhydian Roberts – for close to three months now he's waddled out onstage and smashed whatever he's sung into exactly the same sort of opera-lite shoutfest week after week, and the novelty's starting to wear off. Rhydian's first X Factor song was Bridge Over Troubled Water – incidentally, the longest a reality TV singing contest has gone without pumping that old standard out – accompanied by some horrible interpretive dancers and a pair of leather trousers that seemed to state that Rhydian has completely given up on ever sleeping with a woman in his lifetime now.

And then, inexplicably, Rhydian's second X Factor performance was even duller. It was that old X Factor semi-final favourite You'll Never Walk Alone performed in an identical way to his first song, with the only difference being that he looked a little more like a besuited Terminator during this one. But what's the point of complaining? Rhydian Roberts is going to win X Factor whether we like it or not, and you people will have nobody but yourself to blame when, in 2010, Rhydian will be selling a third-rate CD of sub-Daniel O'Donnell festive cover versions called Rhydian Wishes You A Very Merry Christmas with a picture of him in a big sweater on the cover. Current X Factor betting odds – 2/7

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds while you still can.

Hey kids, ever wondered why X Factor favourite Rhydian Roberts can't sing anything but churchy musical numbers without looking like he's secretly dying of awkwardness on the inside?

Turns out it's because Rhydian is a Christian. And a virgin. But not a gay one. Speaking to The Mirror today, 24-year-old Rhydian Roberts has confirmed the obvious and admitted that he's a virgin who won't have sex with anyone before marriage. But he definitely isn't gay, something proved by the way Rhydian regularly sees girls and thinks "Grr, I'd do her," before thinking a little more quietly "just as soon as I've formed a legally-binding tie with her in front of all my friends and family in a prohibitively expensive ceremony, and then promised to God that I'll never split up with her, ever." 

As our X Factor betting odds have pointed out almost from day one, Rhydian Roberts is going to win X Factor whether you like it or not. That's a little bit odd, because we thought X Factor was a show about finding a hot new popstar to make all the girls scream, not a show called Britain's Got The Next Obvious Presenter Of Harry Secombe's Highway.

But it isn't just Rhydian's powerhouse voice and startling preoccupation with Andrew Lloyd Webber that has got him noticed – it's also the way he acts. Without exception, you get the feeling that everyone who appeared on X Factor this year would wank off a dog if it meant them getting their own reality TV show on UKTV Micro Resistance Welding, but Rhydian's weird mixture of self-belief and jittery awkwardness have set him apart from the rest of the crowd. And now we know why.

Because he's a virgin.

We know, it's weird to think that a rugby-loving Welshman who wears sparkly suits and counts Phantom Of The Opera as his favourite ever song has never had sex, but that appears to be the case. Denying rumours that he's gay, Rhydian Roberts told The Mirror:

"That is not saying that I can't have fun with a lady. I love the company of women. I have been offered sex, like most men. But if you believe in something you can't compromise. But I am only human and you can fall short. At the moment, my priority is singing. I am not a closet Christian. If someone asks me about it, I will talk about it. I do pray on Saturdays but then I pray every day. But what will be will be, it's God's will and that is a great mental attitude to have."

Rhydian then confided:

"Once I am married, though, that's it – I'll be nuts-deep in rank sluts until the day I die. Booya!"

OK, he didn't say that. But there's a possibility that he was thinking it. We can tell.

Anyway, rather than harming his X Factor chances, we'd imagine that Rhydian's virgin confession has only helped to increase the likelihood of winning. The Great British public loves an outsider, you know – in recent years X Factor and Pop Idol has made stars out of stammerers, homosexuals, obese women, goat herders and ratty Scots with terrible hair who can't stop crying – and by proclaiming himself to be a Christian virgin, Rhydian has admitted being the biggest outsider of all.

So maybe Rhydian does deserve to win X Factor after all. At least that way we'll be better positioned to watch when he invariably slides off the rails in a whirlpool of girls and drugs and booze by Easter.

Read more:

X Factor Rhydian's a virgin – Mirror 

Now that only four X Factor contestants remain, the show’s production team knows it has to raise the bar again and again to make sure that each episode reaches even headier heights than the last.

And that’s got a lot to do with what X Factor themes are chosen. For example, Saturday’s X Factor was all about the Best Of British, which allowed the remaining X Factor contestants to sing about a million Queen songs – technically making the Best Of British Night a Best Of British (And A Bit Zanzibarian) Night – and an American version of a Sting song. And this week, we have a feeling that the X Factor theme is ‘songs’. We’re especially looking forward to that one.

But who’s going to win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leon Jackson and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

Leon Jackson – There’s now a gut-wrenching chance that Leon Jackson could win X Factor, although we’d like to point out that if this happens, it’ll be by default and not because of how talented Leon Jackson may be. That’s because, now Hope are out of the running, Leon Jackson’s competition now consists of two cartoon gonks, a smug cruiseship entertainer and Aled Pissing Jones. Leon Jackson tragically now counts as X Factor‘s most normal singer – and since he’s a weeping rat-haired fool, that really isn’t saying much.

And it’s not even as if Leon Jackson is particularly brilliant, either. His first performance – of Crazy Little Thing Called Love – was slurred out in one long nondescript word like a twelfth-rate Sinatra impersonator, and his second – The Long And Winding Road – was only memorable because Simon Cowell called the song choice “ridiculous,” clearly forgetting that he made Will Young and Gareth Gates do a duet of it together not so long ago. And that was crap as well. Current X Factor betting odds – 4/1

Rhydian Roberts – It’s almost inevitable that Rhydian Roberts will win X Factor now, but that really isn’t a good thing at all. X Factor is all about the teenage girls, and the winners who do best are either young women who teenage girls want to befriend or young men who teenage girls want to snog. Rhydian Roberts, on the other hand, looks like the sort of person who teenage girls see on ‘Don’t Talk To Strangers’ posters at school.

Rhydian’s problem is this – he looks like he’d far more comfortable performing on a Sunday teatime BBC1 show about cardigans and antiques than a spunky young pop show like X Factor, as proved by his performances on Saturday. By far his most convincing effort was World In Union, a song commissioned by some rugby players based on a 90-year-old piece of classical music. Call us old-fashioned, but that doesn’t seem like the sort of thing that’ll get the 14-year-old girls queueing up outside HMV. And Rhydian’s other song – Somebody To Love – was just a mess. And Rhydian sang them both in completely different voices. He’s going to win X Factor, isn’t he? Bugger. Current X Factor betting odds – 1/3

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

All said, Saturday’s X Factor Love Songs Night was a great success; although if we’re honest, compared to the X Factor Disco Night an X Factor Dissonant Avant-Rock Night would be a success, too.

And that means that this Saturday X Factor is treating us to a Best Of British show where, dressed up as an assortment of jolly red-faced butchers, cricketers and wooden-toothed Victorian prostitutes, the X Factor hopefuls will belt out a selection of songs like Roll Out The Barrel, Doing The Lambeth Walk, My Old Man’s A Dustman, I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts and the theme-tune to Oh, Doctor Beeching! by Su Pollard. Either that or they’ll all sing You’re Beautiful with a quiet look of desperation in their eyes. Let’s wait and see.

But who’s going to win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Niki Evans and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

Niki Evans - As part of Saturday’s ‘X Factor contestants go home’ shtick, Niki Evans got to go back to the school where she was a dinnerlady in an attempt to show the world that actually she’s getting a little bit up herself. After all, Niki is second-favourite to win X Factor, and look what heady careers the other X Factor silver medallists have achieved, like, um, that binman bloke and, er, the others. But back to Niki Evans’ X Factor performance of The Power Of Love on Saturday. Yes, it was brave of her to sing the start of the song with no accompaniment and, yes, Niki managed to get it pitch-perfect – at least up until the final note when she sounded like she’d trod on a nail – but once again it was a Niki Evans X Factor performance rooted so firmly in the 1980s that she may as well be dressed up as a titting Rubik’s Cube. We’d love Niki to try her hand at something just a little bit more modern – like, say, an MC Hammer song or the theme-tune to failed supernatural 1992 Karl Howman sitcom Mulberry. Current X Factor betting odds – 11/2

Rhydian Roberts – We see a pattern emerging here; one week Rhydian Roberts will deliver a stock-still, sensible, heartfelt ballad and everyone will like him, and then the next he’ll dress up as a turd and sing something so campy that everyone hates him for it. Therefore, after singing Go West two weeks ago, on Saturday’s X Factor Rhydian got to sing Somewhere with only the occasional sincerity-affirming fist-clench as choreography. True, Rhydian boomed the song out like there was no tomorrow and people seemed to like it – especially Dannii Minogue, who was reduced to tears by the beauty of watching a funny-looking blonde bloke shouting a Barbara Streisand song – but those people are wrong. The whole thing reminded us of Harry Secombe standing on top of some godforsaken hill bellowing Abide With Me during a particularly dull episode of Highway from 1987. Don’t worry, though – if our pattern theory holds up then on next week’s X Factor Rhydian will be performing Rock Me Amadeus while dressed up as Kure Kure Takora. Current X Factor betting odds – 2/7

Tomorrow: I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

We’ve been researching X Factor a lot lately, and we’ve discovered one aspect of the show that hasn’t gained a single word of coverage – Louis Walsh’s hair.

We can’t be the only ones who have noticed Louis Walsh’s X Factor hair, can we? With each week of X Factor that passes, it gets a little bit less grey and a little bit more fluffy. It’s true – for the first 20 minutes of Saturday’s X Factor we were honestly convinced that Louis Walsh was either wearing a cossack’s hat or had a rabbit perched on top of his head. We think it’s because this year Simon Cowell seems determined to remind Louis of how old-fashioned he is at every opportunity, and Louis is trying to young his hair up a bit more each week as a result. At this rate he’ll have a full-on emo fringe by Christmas. Let’s make that happen, people.

But who’ll win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Niki Evans and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

Niki Evans – The Niki Evans X Factor checklist is growing all the time. Can Niki sing power-ballads? Check. Can Niki Evans sing showtunes with a man playing a trombone through her legs? Check. Can Niki Evans sing anything else? Um… You see, on Saturday’s X Factor Niki Evans got to sing yet another power-ballad – Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson. But this was a power-ballad with a twist, because it meant that the X Factor production team could dress Niki Evans up in a studded leather outfit and make her sing next to some fire, which we’ve always taken to be a sort of freakish shorthand for ‘Look! Bonnie Tyler!’ – especially when combined with the soft-rock hunch and fist-clench stance that Niki seemed so determined to roll out while singing it. Anyway, it’s nice to see that Niki Evans is still well on course to become the quickly-forgotten second-place X Factor runner-up this year. Current X Factor betting odds – 4/1

Rhydian Roberts – Rhydian Roberts tried something completely new on Saturday’s X Factor – he tried singing a song without hobbiting around the stage like some sort of melodramatic Scandinavian elf-king, and chose You Raise Me Up as his song to do it. Although Rhydian got a standing ovation from all of the X Factor judges for it, we’re not convinced – at best it seemed like Rhydian’s audition for a career of singing the national anthem before minor international sporting events. True, Rhydian’s performance on Saturday’s X Factor made him seem like a real person as opposed to the malevolent dictator of an imaginary colony of space-goblins, but you know what? We actually quite like space goblins. Still, Rhydian remains favourite to win X Factor, so at least hopefully this time next year he’ll be able to sing a Bleeding Love-style radio hit in the style of a startled moose on a rollercoaster. Current X Factor betting odds – 8/15

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

We honestly can’t thing of a more historic tradition than X Factor Big Band night, but that might be because we recently hit our head quite hard. Seriously, we’re bleeding a lot.

Anyway, X Factor Big Band night took place on Saturday and gave the remaining X Factor competitors the chance to get their first taste of performing in front of a huge live band. Judging by Saturday’s X Factor it also gave them the chance to mumble inaudibly because someone hadn’t realised how loud all those trumpets would be, but that was probably less deliberate. The X Factor Big Band night can make or break singers – this year it broke Futureproof but last year it made Ray Quinn, but that’s something the X Factor production team will pay for in the afterlife.

Who’ll win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Niki Evans and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

Niki Evans – Now that she’s effectively been banned from mentioning her dead father any more, Niki Evans has stumbled upon a brand new X Factor sob story – the “I’m just a poor old former dinnerlady” story. Obviously Niki will wear this one out in a couple of weeks too and we’ll have to watch X Factor VT clips of Niki crying because her auntie gave her a purple My Little Pony on her eighth birthday instead of a pink one, but we’ll worry about that when we need to. Because on Saturday’s X Factor Niki Evans ditched her sad power ballad formula to belt out All That Jazz and, although at times she looked a bit like Jessica Rabbit in her Fat Elvis stage, by and large she pulled it off. Aside from an unfortunate incident where a trombone was played between Niki’s legs, making it look like she had a tubular brass penis that looped back on itself, by and large it should be pointed out that Niki Evans stretched herself and generally succeeded. So this Saturday, to show that the sky really is the limit, we’re going to see Niki Evans perform How A Thug Like It by C-Murder. Current X Factor betting odds – 2/1

Rhydian Roberts – Now, you may have thought that Rhydian Roberts screaming The Phantom Of The Opera at the top of his voice while the stage exploded around him on the second X Factor show marked a high watermark of over-the-top ridiculousness, but if that’s the case you hadn’t accounted for Rhydian Roberts using X Factor‘s Big Band night to perform Get The Party Started by Pink looking like the Queen Of Narnia dressed in the inside of a Refreshers packet. If you missed it, please try and track it down on YouTube, because all the nightmares you have for the rest of your life probably need a soundtrack. Honestly, the whole thing was so bewildering that it didn’t even fit the usual definitions of good or bad – it was like being ordered to start a party by the giant floating stone head from Zardoz. Logic dictates that Rhydian Roberts will need to reign himself in for future X Factor performances otherwise he’ll technically become some sort of avant garde performance artist, but we’re not sure that Rhydian Roberts knows the meaning of the word restraint. Which should at least make Westlife Night interesting. Current X Factor betting odds – 6/4

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

X Factor enters its third week of live finals on Saturday, and it’ll need to pull out all the stops to compete with the thousands of damp, miserable firework displays going on up and down the country at the same time.

Actually, who are we kidding? If there’s one thing that X Factor is world class at, it’s disappointing pyrotechnics – whether it’s Sharon Osbourne flouncing off the show and then sheepishly coming back again three seconds later, the painfully deliberate bickering between the other X Factor judges or the singers themselves, who this year all seem to have been pulled from the back row of a nativity play run by a specialist school for the hopelessly untalented. X Factor is the televisual equivalent of watching a boy try to write his name in the air with a sparkler, but without the exciting but at the end where he badly burns his hand. And, tragically, we’re hooked already.

Here’s the last of this week’s X Factor betting odds to win – for Hope, Rhydian Roberts and Niki Evans – with help from Paddy Power…

Hope – Everyone’s talking about Hope. Well, talking and shifting around uncomfortably in their seats trying to cover their genitals, anyway. While it’s far too early to single out Hope as potential X Factor winners, it is fair to say that they’re the act this year who most closely resemble the window display of a mid-to-large Amsterdam brothel. On Saturday’s X Factor, Hope performed Lady Marmalade while writhing around on the floor like a bunch of deeply erotic tapeworm, causing all kinds of blood pressure problems among the male X Factor viewership. But we’re starting to worry that the sexy act will start wearing off if it’s all they rely on. So maybe Hope should think about ramping it up a little bit next week. We can’t be the only ones who want to see Hope singing I Will Always Love You while doing each other with strap-on dildos, can we? Current X Factor betting odds – 7/2

Rhydian Roberts – Phantom Of The Opera, of course. With the possible exception of Chico having a breakdancing contest with some kids, Rhydian’s X Factor performance of Phantom Of The Opera was hands-down the weirdest moment in the show’s history, all fire and smoke and terrifying unblinking shouting. We’re told that the song has long been Rhydian’s favourite, which could account for the totalitarian, power-deranged way that he went about singing it. While it could have been Rhydian’s high point of the entire series – it’ll be hard for him to commit so heavily when, say, J-Lo night rolls around – let’s all just pray that Rhydian Roberts never ever wins X Factor. Because that’ll only just make Rhydian’s inevitable ambition to make a concept double album about Mordor one horrible step closer to reality. Current X Factor betting odds – 11/4

Niki Evans – Well, we make that one whole week without Niki Evans mentioning her dead father, meaning that she must be in need of another USP. How’s this – she’s singing Celine Dion‘s song… while Celine Dion is in the building! That’s crazy and something that completely hasn’t happened before in the past when everyone had to sing Abba songs in front of Abba or Rod Stewart songs in front of Rod Stewart. Anyway, long story short, Niki Evans sang My Heart Will Go On on Saturday’s X Factor, she did it well and now she’s the favourite to win. But X Factor is just two weeks old and already we’re getting a bit bored of Niki’s ‘power ballad with lyrics sung behind the beat to make it sound more emotional’ shtick. So next week, let’s hope Niki does us all a favour and mixes it up by singing Kill Or Be Killed by Bloodclaat Gangsta Youth. Current X Factor betting odds – 5/2

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.