X Factor ended less than a month ago but, like a child trying to cope with a disturbing period of abuse, we've already blocked it out emotionally.
As such, we can't remember a single thing about last year's X Factor – we seem to recall that it was won by a plank of balsa wood dressed as Frank Sinatra that couldn't stop crying, but that's about it. Anyway, apparently someone from X Factor called Rhydian Roberts has just signed a million-pound record deal.
Wait, no, it's all coming back. Make it stop! Lord, make it stop! Mother! The pain!
X Factor is called X Factor because to win it you can't just be a good singer, you have to have another, more elusive quality. Judging by the last two X Factor winners Leona Lewis and Leon Jackson, it looks like the 'X Factor' in question is a crippling inability to say, do or think anything to prove that you've got the remotest sliver of a personality tucked away inside your probably robotic brain.
But Rhydian Roberts, runner-up in last year's X Factor competition, doesn't have that problem at all. He oozes with personality. Trouble is, it's the personality of a dickhead.
That much was clear from Rhydian's very first X Factor audition when Sharon Osbourne called him 'vile' and Dannii Minogue mimed a puking fit after he left – and became even more clear when he eventually lost X Factor to Leon Jackson, spent the entire evening sulking bitterly in a corner, made some weird claims about the result being a fix and avoided the X Factor wrap party because he was too busy standing on a rock in the middle of nowhere screaming swearwords at the moon.
The truth is that Rhydian lost X Factor because people either love his shouty operatic hits-from-the-musicals shtick or they hate it, depending mostly on whether they're retired librarians called Gerald who go on walking holidays and collect commemorative coin sets or not.
But that hasn't stopped Rhydian from continuing his steel-eyed march to oppressive catch-all success. Leon Jackson may have won the battle by getting the Christmas number one, but Rhydian Roberts is determined to win the war, and now he has just officially signed a million-pound record deal with Sony BMG as well as getting a vague offer from Andrew Lloyd-Webber to be the star of the forthcoming Phantom Of The Opera 2: Viva Rock Vegas. And what has Leon Jackson got, huh? HUH?
That means that Rhydian Roberts is preparing to unleash himself as an actual popstar, hoping to emulate the second-place X Factor success of the evil Scouse ventriloquist dummy and the sad binman. Or maybe Rhydian will do better than that. Maybe Rhydian will go on to become one of the biggest popstars this country has ever produced.
If we're distant for the rest of the day it'll be because we're trying to work out how we did that emotional blocking thing from earlier. We get the feeling we'll be needing it.
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Yarnie says
Rhydian is one of the most talented performers I have EVER set eyes on. And no, i’m not a trainspotter, I don’t collect stamps, and I’m not a librarian. I’m a 26 year old who happens to think that Rhydian is unique, entertaining, absolutely gorgeous, he’s a lovely person (despite what they awful editing on the X Factor made him look like) and he’s going to go far. I’m sick of celebrities dominating the news with their tales of sex, drugs, alcohol….what great role models they are for our society. Look at the state of them. Rhydian is a committed and very talented young man with massive potential, he is sensible and not afraid to be open about his beliefs. He has already inspired so many of us and I am grateful to Simon Cowell because he could see what a star Rhydian would be, long before the others caught on. Rhydian is amazing and I can’t wait for his career to blossom :-)
Mags says
Yarnie is absolutely spot-on. Rhydian is a superb artist and a refreshing change to the histrionics of most of those who reach the top in the business. I too am eagerly looking forward to the development of his career.
Expat says
At first I didn’t think I was going to like this site, but I do, because reading between the lines I can tell you’re really a Rhydian fan, too, Stuart.
It’s all right, you can come out, nobody will think any the less of you, we’re all grown-ups here!
jane says
rydian is the best singer i”ve heard in a long time , stunningly beautifll
very talanted and a very special person , anyone who knows him are very lucky ppl , and his parents should be very proud!!!!!
love jane xxxxxx