Did Kanye sip his lemonade without any problems whilst sitting in the corner of the VIP area? Don’t be daft, something went tits up of course.

It seems that Kanye West has a recurring problems with people who like to take people’s pictures. Granted they may get in the way and stop you from doing day-to-day activities such as getting some milk and waiting for a plane, but never mind. In the Tup Tup Palace nightclub – a place that doesn’t exactly scream class – a member of the paparazzi elite got to close to Kanye and ended up getting his face busted up. Was it Kanye’s fault? Of course not, and he’s explained why in a (nother) big pissy blog rant.

We all remember Kanye West getting a bit angry and throwing a Hulk-like strop in an airport a few months ago. Sadly he didn’t turn green and grow into an enormous beast, but instead smashed up a camera and then attempted to do the same to someone filming the whole incident. Silly Kanye. In Newcastle the same thing appeared to have happened again where Kanye West + paparazzi = rubbish fight and pointless conflict.

Thrown into the cells for a night to talk to the local heroin addicts, Kanye West emerged with no charge and sadly won’t have to turn up to Newcastle magistrates court for a hearing and a fine of £30. Not letting the incident lie, he of course had a big cry about the event for his minions to read. No doubt they will side with Kanye and spit at all the haters who diss their homeboy.

Choice quotes from his blog include:

“Let us not forget the paps killed Princess Diana. When will there be a law passed that simply enforces that someone has to ask to take a photograph of you? That would seem like common courtesy. Right now the paps are above the law and the people they shoot are below it.”

“I put my hand up to the camera in self-defence! Here’s what happened…when I left the club, I was encountered by a thirsty paparazzi as usual. He felt he had more rights to my space than me, so I put my hand up to prevent him from taking my image.”

“I didn’t assault him but merely putting my hand up to cover his lens. My security yelled, ‘get the camera off him’. I guess in all the commotion the camera scraped his nose.”

Ok – A) If the photographer was thirsty, why didn’t Kanye West offer him a rum and coke or a good old English pint of imported lager? B) Only Elton John can bang on about Princess Diana. It’s the law. C) Of course he didn’t assault any photographers. Kanye said so.

With this incident happening in Newcastle, it will no doubt go down in Geordie folklaw as one of the major things to have happened in the city alongside inventing Newcastle Brown Ale, Stottie bread, getting electricity a few years ago and finally converting from horse and cart to automobile.

We have this all on good authority. We wouldn’t publish it any other way.

When West is getting that springtime fresh pixie breath whispered into his ear – well we bet nothing has ever felt better. When he’s not though – that’s gotta just bring him down. He definitely didn’t have any magical fairy friends with him when he grabbed a photographers camera, lifted it way over his head and then threw it to the ground as hard as he possibly could.

This was all caught on tape by the way – video tape, to be exact.

Kanye West went and got himself arrested. While incarcerated we understand he decided to finally make something of himself by going back to school, and majoring in refrigerator repair.

You see, West was in an airport recently when a photographer started snapping pics of him. Kanye was displeased, and he smashed the photog’s camera until it was broke, broke.

It’s thought that what sparked the rapper’s rage wasn’t the fact that pictures were being taken, but that the picture taker was eating a Whopper while doing so. He hates Big Macs too. He also hates whatever Wendy’s main sandwich is, and he can’t for the life of him understand why someone would opt for an inferior burger when the one’s he’d gladly make you are fortified with so much more essential nutrients and iron.

We don’t understand it either Kanye. We also don’t understand why you’d go on such a weird rampage when you’re clearly surrounded by paparazzi with video cameras flashing little red dots in your general direction.

TMZ owns one of Kanye’s unfortunate victims, that’s why they are in the perfect position to describe the scene:

“You see Kanye (in a gray hooded sweatshirt) and his bodyguard/road manager (in the red) grabbing the camera away from the photog. It appears the bodyguard, Don Crowley, gets the camera and Kanye gets the lighting component. Crowley smashes the camera to the ground and Kanye does the same with the light.

“Erik, our camera guy, then comes closer and the bodyguard then comes up and wrestles his camera away, ultimately breaking it. As we first reported, both Kanye and his bodyguard were arrested for vandalism. They’re both being held on $20,000 bail.”

Taken at face value it looks like West is acting astoundingly villainous. What you don’t know is that the photographer who suffered the brunt of the attack had just been mocking all of West’s feeble attempts to end kiddie porn forever, bring peace to Georgians and to prepare a landing pad way up atop the Mount of Olives.

See, such mockery is something we just couldn’t stand for either.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

“The incident is currently under investigation.”

Benji Madden was driving, with Paris in the passenger seat. Gurniak explained exactly what he thought happened:

“There were too many people that side of the car ,so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’ He turned and looked at me out of the window and then just drove. I fell to the floor as the car stopped and was just laying on the floor as everyone was screaming at him that he’d run me over.”

Last year Paris was jailed for violating a drink-driving probation, despite considering herself too pretty to be there in the first place. She behaved so well that she was released early, despite apparently trying to kill herself, as well as receiving death threats.

She surely wants to avoid going through all that again – sitting in the passenger seat is probably a good start.

But that’s not the end of worries; just yesterday she was officially labelled with the blame for the upcoming destruction of humanity in its entirety.

A video of Gurniak screaming in the aftermath has been posted at TMZ, showing the alleged victim’s shoe with a tyre-ish marking on it.

Read More – Hilton accused of hit and run – The Sun

12 years after pounding a Thai news reporter in an airport just for having the temerity to welcome her to the country, it looks like Bjork is at it again. A photographer from New Zealand is claiming that Bjork attacked him after she landed at Auckland airport on Friday, destroying his T-shirt.

Subsequently, passengers have been advised to stay away from all airports during the year 2020 regardless, unless they're carrying mace, a taser or some kind of pixie-battering truncheon.

Flying does funny things to people, whether it makes them constantly talk to the stranger next to them even though they obviously just want some peace and quiet, spend the entire flight bolt upright with their seatbelt on convinced that every judder of turbulence means that the massively heavy hulk of metal they're riding in will nosedive into the ground at a million miles per hour or, if you're Heather Mills, dance up and down the aisles like a goon.

But nobody – honestly, nobody in the history of mankind – hates flying as much as Bjork does. For example, in 1996 when a reporter greeted Bjork to Thailand with the phrase "Welcome to Bangkok," Bjork responded in a way that can only be described as 'batshit'. Look…

And now it seems as if Bjork has been at it again. On Friday Bjork touched down in Auckland for the Big Day Out festival where she's performing alongside Rage Against The Machine and LCD Soundsystem. And, although he was asked not to take pictures of Bjork in the airport, photographer Glenn Jeffrey ignored this request and got battered by an Icelandic midget as a result. According to Jeffrey:

"As I turned and walked away [Bjork] came up behind me, grabbed the back of my black skivvy and tore it. As she did this she fell over, she fell to the ground. At no stage did I touch her or speak with her… I don't see being assaulted as I'm working as a press photographer as an acceptable thing. If anybody assaults anybody you have the right to a legal recourse, whoever they are."

Bjork has yet to comment on this alleged attack, and even once she has it might be weeks or months before experts have managed to decode her confusing mixture of cockney, New York slang, impish Icelandic and irregular atonal yowls into something appropriating a coherent sentence.

And a video of this Bjork-attack apparently exists as well, ready for police review. Don't expect it to show up on YouTube any time soon, though, because New Zealand hasn't got round to adopting the internet yet. Or TV. In fact, New Zealand is so technologically backwards that last year a native won an entertainment technology award for inventing the flickbook, even though the rest of the world already invented it years ago, even in poor countries like Africa.

But, still, at least Bjork's demented airport rampage has mixed up the 'Top Three Interesting Facts About New Zealand' list. Now it reads 1) Lord Of The Rings was made there, 2) Bjork battered a photographer there, 3) People in New Zealand all think that thunder is caused by God banging two clouds together.

Previously it was 1) Lord Of The Rings was made there, 2) People in New Zealand all think that thunder is caused by God banging two clouds together.

Read more:

Bjork rips into Kiwi - E! Online 

But enough emotional pain to sue Pierce Brosnan? Photographer Robert Rosen seems to think so. Following a bewilderingly petty shoving match in a Los Angeles car park in October that variously included a rib-punch, a stomach-kick and the immortal line "Why don't you get a real fucking job?" Robert Rosen is now suing Pierce Brosnan for 'severe physical and emotional pain and injuries'. Needless to say, there'd have been a lot less emotional pain if Robert Rosen was beaten up in a car park by Daniel Craig, but Pierce Brosnan? Christ, that's so 1998.

Poor old Pierce Brosnan. He lost the James Bond job because he was a bit too slick, a bit too Gillette, for modern tastes. It's all very well being able to kite-surf on a glacier that's being attacked by a space-laser, but audiences now want something different from James Bond – they want scenes of interminable card-games being explained by a whispering French policeman interspersed with clips of a burly bloke repeatedly punching a slightly less burly bloke in the mouth until he dies.

And, of course, the irony there is that the first thing of any worth that Pierce Brosnan did after being moved on from James Bond was that very thing. Well, that very thing without the card games or French policemen. Or the punching a man in the face until he dies bit, too, if we're honest. But allegedly swearing at a photographer and then punching him in the chest? Pierce Brosnan is all over that.

Back in October we reported that Pierce Brosnan got into a fight with photographer Robert Rosen in a Los Angeles car park, with Rosen claiming that Brosnan suddenly got aggressive and started shouting things like "Why don't you get a real fucking job?" before punching the snapper in the chest.

However, with eyewitnesses also claiming that they saw Rosen boot Pierce Brosnan in the stomach, the picture doesn't seem so clear cut. And now that Los Angeles prosecutors have washed their hands of the case citing insufficient evidence, Robert Rosen has now decided to sue the balls off Pierce Brosnan instead. The Associated Press reports:

Robert Rosen said he was taking photos of Brosnan on Oct. 26 when "suddenly and without warning," the 54-year-old actor struck him in the chest, causing "severe physical and emotional pain and injuries, including bruised ribs."… The freelance photographer is suing for unspecified general and punitive damages, the cost of medical and psychological treatment, and lost earnings.

And let's not forget that the cost of medical and psychological treatment is probably quite high, since there can't be too many doctors or therapists around who'd respond to this in any other way than by shouting "You got punched in the ribs by Pierce Brosnan and you're suing him? You massive wuss – what is he, like 75 years old now?" right into Robert Rosen's face.

Read more:

Paparazzi Sues Brosnan in Shoving Match – Associated Press 

Because, if you haven't already guessed, that's what Pierce Brosnan has been accused of doing. Malibu police are apparently investigating claims that Pierce Brosnan attacked a paparazzi photographer outside a Los Angeles restaurant on Friday after telling him to "fuck off" and "get a real fucking job." Reports that Daniel Craig plans to beat up exactly the same photographer next week in a grittier and more slightly convincing way – using less invisible cars and sky lasers – are still totally unfounded.

As fun as being James Bond must be – all that blind patriotism and foreigner-punching makes it a lot like getting paid to be a well-dressed football hooligan – you'd always have to be aware that someone younger, fitter and more fashionable than you is ready to step into your shoes at a moment's notice, leaving you typecast and obscure for the rest of your career. That's what happened when Daniel Craig replaced Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, at least.

After being replaced as 007 – by a toothless blonde bloke who hates guns, no less – Pierce Brosnan has struggled to maintain the same degree of success, going on to make all sorts of low-key films that literally nobody on Earth has ever seen. And that's left Pierce Brosnan with a lot of time on his hands. Time that some people are claiming he spends by engaging in the traditional celebrity pursuit of paparazzi-thumping. 

Now, different celebrities go about paparazzi-thumping in different ways. Pete Doherty likes to threaten their mothers with death while Dame Edna prefers the more conventional face-bop approach and Brad Pitt has a team of goons constantly ready to strangle anyone who takes his picture. But Pierce Brosnan? He's the smooth-as-silk man behind James Bond, Remington Steele and The Lawnmower Man, so his alleged paparazzi-beating technique is bound to be as suave as you like, right? Not so, says TMZ:

We're told Brosnan allegedly committed a battery on Robert Rosen, a photographer. According to Rosen, Pierce was there with his kids, when Rosen began snapping photos (see below). Rosen says Pierce then said, "Why don't you get a real f**king job." Rosen says he then started complimenting Pierce on his Bond roles. A short time later, an enraged Pierce allegedly told the photog, "Why don't you f**k off, mate," and then struck him in the ribs. A witness says the pap instinctively reacted by kicking Pierce — we're told, in the stomach.

Now, this is a matter that's still being investigated by police and it's not known how much of Pierce Brosnan's alleged attack is actually true in the first place, so we're not going to go around casting aspersions on anyone's reputation just yet. 

However, if Robert Rosen's account of Pierce Brosnan's attack is true, it's heartening to see that the "Why don't you get a real fucking job?" line is still merrily being trotted out by a middle-aged man who's just spent seven years of his life driving around ice palaces in invisible cars trying to stop a face-transplanted Korean man with a dream machine and a diamond-faced henchman trying to cut the world in half with a massive space laser, isn't it?

Read more:

Pierce Brosnan: The Name Is Battery Suspect – TMZ