Regressive simpleton and spokesman for the thunderously stupid, Liam Gallagher, has decided that his opinion is worth a shouting at everyone… almost like people who use twitter. Y’know? Shouting at the ether?

And oddly enough, he’s decided to drag his knuckles into view and start shooting his lantern gob off about twitter like a frightened troglodyte frightened of a passing automobile.

Basically, he thinks twitter is for dicks.

Get that everyone? King Knob’ead wants you to know that anyone who uses twitter is a dick. Guess who is on twitter? Liam Gallagher, that’s who.

However, he’s got an answer for that. He’s got an answer for everything hasn’t he? Apart from, of course, how to make a decent recent record without the aid of his brother. And even then…

Anyway, the yelper says,

“I hate fucking tweeting, it’s for dicks. I only do it when something needs to be cleared up. I hate it. It’s rubbish… About all that, though, talking about your lunch, it’s like, come on… people need to be lined up and fucking shot, man, people who do that. It’s like, close the door behind ‘em, mate. Who gives a fuck, man?”

He has a point. Who really cares about what famous people are eating?

Step forward Liam Gallagher from a couple of years ago:

“Eat less, move more and don’t drink beer – it’s as simple as that. But me, I love pies and chips – so it’s really hard.”

Still, that’s a one-off right? Again, here’s Liam talking about his healthy new lifestyle from earlier this year:

“I run. World to myself. Birds. Trees. With golf, I love making proper contact with that ball. I’m still on the fish. Sardines or salmon. Salad. I feel good. It’s only the ciggies that really stand in me way.”

Close the door behind you, you wretched penis.

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Since Oasis split-up, we’ve literally been beside ourselves with apathy. The Gallaghers went from being feuding in the same band to… well… feuding in bands that sound like Oasis. It’s almost like nothing’s happened at all.

Still, with that, we’ve got twice the opportunity to peer at their collective work, with Liam’s Beady Eye churning out grot-boogie and Noel… well… turning into Badly Drawn Boy.

And he’s got a new record out and you can hear a snippet of new song – ‘I’d Pick You Every Time’.

It’s unclear if the song title is a tribute to Ralph Wiggum’s valentine card of I Choo-Choo Choose You, but frankly, we don’t care because we like to remember Ralphy whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Anyway, this new record appears to be a double A-side, coupled with ‘If I Had A Gun’.

We could check, but that really isn’t our style. Besides, if you’re reading this, you either don’t care or you’re an imbecilic Oasis fan who thinks they know everything anyway.

So without further adon’t, here it is.

30 seconds of Noely G’s Badly Drawn Boy tribute song.

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Manchester. What a stupid, damp city. Swarms of middle-aged idiots in Adidas Samba waddle around with their bowed Ian Brown legs poking out from their khaki jackets and dreadful moddish haircuts, all recalling a time when it was alright to ‘ave it.

Alas, those Madchester days are long behind them, leaving them nostalgic and pink faced from cans of Stella, clutching their copies of It’s Great When You’re Straight, Yeah and feeling more mellowed toward The Smiths since Johnny Marr started acting like one of them.

And sure, while bands like The Enemy and Kasabian are around to plug a gap, there’s nowt like a band of Manc gobshites to really scratch that itch. So when Oasis split, the world seemed over. But then! Lo! Liam Gallagher brought Beady Eye to be the rebirth of NoWaySis which they could shout “COME ON!” in their Pretty Green t-shirts! And then Noel Gallagher released a sensitive solo single which reflected The Manc’s new, softer outlook on the world which coincided with the birth of their first daughter – Stacey. All they need is a night out with Noel. A gig to relive the glory years. BUT WAIT. What’s this? No show?

Noel Gallagher has announced three shows this October in support of his upcoming solo album. And there is no Manchester gig.

‘Noel Gallgher’s High Flying Birds’ is due the same month, but the former Oasis’er won’t be stomping around his old haunt (not surprising for a man who said moving to London was the best thing he ever did).

The short tour dates are as follows:

October

23 Dublin Olympia Theatre
27 Edinburgh Usher Hall
29 London HMV Hammersmith Apollo

So not only does Noel not want to play Manchester, but he’s also not bothering with the whole of Wales either. Oh well, at least Mancs are great at surviving off little more than nostalgia, eh?

Oh… if you don’t know what the NoWaySis reference was all about… look here. This actually happened.

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Since Oasis split, people have been dividing themselves up into two camps – Camp Liam And His Beady Eye and Team Noel And His High Flying Birds. Weirdly, all this taking of sides clouds the fact that both parties are prone to releasing very average music.

The irony here is that the feuding siblings are actually turning into Lennon versus McCartney, whom they both so dearly admire. Alas, their heroes were also prone to making distinctly average solo records after the Beatles split.

So if Liam sees himself as the aggressor with forays into manly sensitivity, then Noel is fast becoming the Macca, complete with cod-thoughtful lyrics and a little more musical adventure than his brother who is determined to fly the flag for rock ‘n’ roll (which has been dead for years).

Lennon, post-Beatles, obsessed himself with showing everyone that he loved good time rock ‘n’ roll, as well as forcibly telling everyone “I do have feelings y’know?” with various ballads. Liam has clearly decided to fulfil this role, paving the way for Noel to produce The Death Of You And Me, which is generally More Musically Gifted Than The Brutish Beady Eye record.

And here, the lines are drawn: It’s attitude versus skill. Who will win? Well, in fairness they’ll both win because this musical war covers up the fact that both artists aren’t making particularly adventurous music (then again, they never did and probably don’t want to).

Fact is, Noel’s new record will be hoisted aloft simply because it isn’t Liam, regardless of whether it’s much cop or not. Same goes for anything Liam does from now on.

This new track is going to divide some, while uniting the die-hard Oasis fans into saying “I LIKE THEM BOTH FOR DIFFERENT REASONS, OUR KID!”

Hopefully, if this is Noel’s foray into McCartneyisms, then we can look forward to him creating his own version of Temporary Secretary or Check My Machine.

Until then, here’s Noel’s new single for you to berate, fawn or feel absolutely nothing toward.

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Liam Gallagher, a man who facially resembles a cross between a Dickensian henchman and a brain damaged howler monkey, is well known for holding certain controversial views on the world around him. He’s the kind of gent that, if he were punch a GPS satellite out of the sky for ‘looking at him funny’, most people wouldn’t be 100% surprised.

Now, the former front brother of Oasis has decided to launch into a fashion crusade in an effort to clean up the image of some of music’s biggest stars. The bowl-cut-toting funster’s love of the finer fashions have often seen comparisons drawn between him and some of the most flamboyant characters in modern celebrity and fashion.

Who can forget that parka that he wore at Glastonbury 1996, T in the Park 1998, V Festival 2005, Knebworth well, actually… pretty much every live show that Oasis have done**. Still, it had a nice furry hood and was very practical in the winter, according to his mummykins.

Seemingly hoping to reignite some sort of North-South music rivalry with one of the biggest indie bands of the last two years, Gallagher has slated the style of ‘folk’ band Mumford and Sons.

“They look like f****** Amish people…”

Gallagher, who has clearly never seen an Amish person, was speaking in an interview with The Sun newspaper. Of course, the Oasis moaner is never short of a ridiculous pejorative and went on to say:

“You know, them ones with the big sides that don’t use electricity? Growing their own food and putting barns up…I need music to be a bit more sexy and played by people who look a bit f****** dangerous.”

We’re no experts but there are many hazards which are inherent in both farming and construction. Have you ever been to a building site? It’s full of signs telling you how dangerous things are. What about growing food? I doubt anyone who has ever had their hand passed through a wheat thresher would try to tell you that farming is a safe occupation.

Oh, hang on. He doesn’t mean dangerous in the sense of hazards to health. He means the Beady Eye sense of ‘dangerous’. C’mon. You know the one. The people that love Oasis and Kasabian and throw their arms around as though they’re plants desperately trying to drag themselves up towards the sun by swaying back and forth. The sun in this case being the one that Liam seems to believe shines out of his rectum.

Still not with us on the danger thing? He means idiots in parkas and Adidas gazelles that have haircuts that look as though they’re an experiment designed to prove the effects of gravitational pull and are liable to glass anyone who looks at them for too long for being a ‘f**king ponce’. Yeah- those guys. Liam’s guys.

**hecklerspray would like to point out that we couldn’t care less if Oasis ever actually played these festivals on these dates.

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Oh no! The world’s coming to an end! First Oasis, the greatest band in the world ever split up and now the Gallagher brothers can’t even reunite to watch one of them swagger down the aisle with his beloved lass.

It’s a terrible world that we live in, folks but we’re just going to have to accept it.

The Beady Eye frontman – who has avoided his sibling since their group Oasis split in August 2009 following a series of explosive rows – insists he hasn’t been invited to tomorrow’s nuptials between the John Lennon’s failed clone and Sara MacDonald, in spite of Noel’s recent admission that he wanted the knuckle-dragging, droning ape to squeeze his hair-covered torso into a tuxedo and swing his way to the church.

When asked if he was attending the wedding, Liam told the Chicago Sun-Times newspaper:

“No, I’m busy playing gigs in Chicago.”

At that moment, buses in Chicago were said to have overturned as the population of the city breathed a heavy sigh of relief that they wouldn’t have to miss a performance by the critically acclaimed Beady Eye.

“He goes on about how he wasn’t invited to my wedding. No one was at my wedding but Nicole’s mum and my mum. Get over it, mate. I’ve not been invited to his wedding. I’ll be in Chicago.”

This is to imply that neither Noel nor err… the… other Appleton sister were invited to the wedding of Nicole and that guy from Planet of the Apes because the only important people in the world are them and their mothers. Isn’t that sweet? Apparently the surviving members of The Beatles were invited to both weddings but Ringo Starr was quoted as saying:

“Not on your life, I fucking hate Oasis. And stop calling me Ringo! How did you even get into my house?!”

During his bachelor party earlier this month, Noel admitted he wanted Liam to be at his wedding despite thinking of him as being an utter twonk.

“He is my brother. He is a tit but he’s my brother so I guess he should be there. Yeah, I would want him there. Family is family on days like that and it would make a lot of people happy. But he’ll always be a complete twat.”

Touching, isn’t it? Once a twat, always a twat. Using that logic, it’s hard to understand why ‘The Brothers Grim’ don’t get on better.

The rockers’ mother Peggy is also keen for Liam and Noel to end their blood feud and believes the wedding is the perfect opportunity to do so. By fighting to the death in the arena of Mortal Kombat? Unfortunately not…

A source said recently:

“Unless he’s broken both his legs, Liam has been told he is going to watch his brother get married.”

Presumably watching his brother get married will involve belting out a rendition of Don’t Look Back In Anger at the reception karaoke with his back to the assembled crowd, shooting daggers at the top table.

Never mind! Look out your best circular sunglasses, give yourself a quick bowl cut, get your parka on and help hecklerspray celebrate this glorious reunion by throwing yourself off a bridge.

Liam Gallagher is a man who has shown no mercy for absolutely anyone on Earth, including his own reflection. He’s tooted drugs, swilled special brew and had his teeth knocked out while swaggering around like a braying scally faecal hammock, ready to spout off about anything and everything.

Sadly, like most pigeon chested indie frontmen, he doesn’t even come close to having the talent to back up his ego, which invariably makes him all the more likeable or interesting as a pop culture case-study.

However, all that boorish bad boy nonsense could be a thing of the past because now, he’s into sardines and spirituality (which in fairness, sounds like an Oasis LP title).

That’s right! Liam is doing a Lindsay Lohan and sorting himself out! The Beady Eye frontman reckons that his hard living ways are behind him now, as he eyes up being a responsible adult ahead of his 40th birthday next year.

Now with added religion!

He said to a paper behind a paywall, so there’s no point linking to it:

“I’m a spiritual kinda guy. I’m not wearing a sheet and walking down the street banging a tambourine. And I’m not turning into fucking Bono. It’s private. But I’m connected, man. To something.”

“I’m older now. I don’t wanna grow up like a dick. I don’t want to get to 40 and embarrass my kids”

So what’s he up to now then, apart from being a stinkin’ hippie? Well, he’s acting like a stinkin’ hippie.

“It’s great. I run. World to myself. Birds. Trees. No hassle from idiots. With golf, I love making proper contact with that ball. I’m still on the fish. Sardines or salmon. Salad. I feel good. It’s only the cigarettes that really stand in me way.”

Jesus H. We think we preferred him when he was trying to kick the guts out of his shadow and squaring up to lampposts and that.

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If Japan hadn’t suffered enough, last night, they had a gig which featured Beady Eye, Paul Weller and Richard Ashcroft on their consciences too. Someone should do a further benefit gig for them to cope with this newest slop of news.

Even though the gig did a good thing by raising over £150,000 for the victims of the horrifying tsunami and earthquake, that doesn’t mean we should eschew our obligation to mock the collection of awful, awful feathered cod-mod haircuts that were on show.

Not to mention the terrible, plodding, faux-anthemic white boy rock peddled by a bunch of bloated blokes in bootcut jeans.

The assembled numskulls in Ben Sherman shirts whooped and hollered without giving much thought to Japan, rather, more concerned about getting 8 pints of Belgian lager in them as quickly as humanly possible, through a parade of po-faced stadium bloke hits.

The gig was orchestrated by Liam Gallagher and Weller who were really moved by the trouble in Japan, probably because Yoko Ono is from there or summat.

The Beatles featured heavily on this evening of well-intended turd rock with The Coral performing ‘Ticket To Ride’, Paul Weller teaming up with Stereophonics for a grisly take on ‘Come Together’ and Beady Eye closing the show with a vomit inducing ‘Across The Universe’.

In amongst the white men playing guitars were Graham Coxon playing his guitar, as well as Primal Scream playing their guitars.

Frontman Liam Gallagher, a chap notorious for his sympathy toward other humans, dedicated ‘Kill For A Dream’ to “all the people in Japan.” Presumably, it was the moving line of “these dark glasses need something to do” which swung it.

Not a dry gusset in the house etc etc

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Love or loathe him, you’ve got to give it to Liam Gallagher. If there was an award for “laziest person in music,” he’d win the much converted title hands down. All we need to do is look back at the singer’s time spent in Oasis. Well, we say Oasis, in actual fact, the band was nothing more than the workings of sibling Noel Gallagher who recruited some backing musicians and a singer to help him perfect songs and play live.

All Liam Gallagher did in Oasis was tell us “he was mad for it”, made the people of Manchester look like morons and when he didn’t have an album to promote, he’d start pointless arguments, usually making himself look like a prick.

Since Oasis split up, Liam Gallagher has pretty much done what we’ve just mentioned, randomly badmouthing his brother and acting like a tit. But could this all change? He’s since formed a band called Beady Eye which is essentially Oasis but without Noel Gallagher. We didn’t want to risk the wrath of PETA and the RSPCA by testing this album on animals, so we listened to it ourselves.

From the album’s name alone, we weren’t expecting much. Come on, it’s the sort of cod-pretentious stuff that a gathering of hipsters would froth over after sniffing a bottle of cider. Hacking and dissecting it to pieces, a group of bored students would think that “Different Gear, Still Speeding”, could relate to the time in one’s life when everything is bleak, but being positive can put make everything better before having a splurge on daddy’s credit card.

So what about the actual music? Surely we should mention that? Again, we didn’t try to have any preconceptions about the album, but it was difficult not to. Let’s face it, when Oasis released rubbish music ever since they knocked out Definitely Maybe, there was always a similar feel to them and no real sound evolution. It was always evident that they’d been sat around listening to The Beatles and The Rolling Stones just before laying down a butchered riff in the studio.

All they ever ended up producing were piss poor B-side sounding material that said bands wouldn’t even be proud of. Even Ringo Starr and he has no standards.

For Liam Gallagher to reinvent himself as some sort of electro glitch singer in the same vein as Thom Yorke, we weren’t holding our breath. That would require him to burst outside the wet paper bag style of music he’s singing along to for years. Gallagher would probably say something macho like. ‘Yeah man, I’m keeping it fucking real – y’know, guitars and shit. Computers are like fucking geek music, not real at all. Rock ‘n’ roll forever me.’

People don’t listen to albums straight through these days, so we hit shuffle and listened excitedly as the first track from the Beardy Face album came on. Kill For A Dream rolled round the speakers like some sort of delayed farting clap of thunder. The high pitched yelps of the guitar was true to the title’s meaning as the sonic waves of noise smashed us in the chest, leaving us gasping for air and emptying our thoughts. Powerful stuff indeed from the Gallagher brother who must have pricked his finger when stitching his overpriced clobber for Pretty Green. Evidently the inspiration for that particular track.

Dreams seem to be the reoccurring concept on this album as by pure chance, Wind Up Dream came on next. Slightly disappointing unfortunately as the cranky handle of a jack in the box can be heard before Liam Gallagher snarls, “hey you! Stupid! Whiney! Do ya wanna take the red or blue pill?”

This must have been demoed on a studio tech who panicked and swallowed the red escape pill. As you’d expect, the track is the shortest on the album, clocking in at forty three seconds.

It’s certainly a mixed bag from Beardy Lip as there are even a couple of cover versions on the album! Fans of Sonny & Cher will be thrilled to know that Gallagher and his band have had a crack at The Beat Goes On, giving an insight into some folk tinged jazz which is strangely toe-tapping stuff. Now if that hasn’t got you salivating from all areas of the body, you need to prepare yourself for the best cover version from Liam Gallagher’s band, Peter Beardsley’s Right Eye.

Wigwam might sound like an innocent song about the things native Americans sleep in, but in fact, it’s a tribute to Liam Gallagher’s favourite ever song, Wigwam Bam by Sweet. The original lyrics still make us smile and Gallagher has even put some effort in so he doesn’t sound like he’s singing with a blocked nose with tissue shoved up it. Manic stuff indeed and a fun upbeat way to end the album on.

You’ll be pleased to know that this was better than we expected it to be and Liam Gallagher has done everything from soul drenched blues rock to the using of door handles and vacuum cleaners. We’ll hold our hands up and say Breaded Eyesore have released an okay first album.

Bravo chaps!

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Ah, the Gallagher brothers have been quiet since Oasis split. This of course, has been an absolute godsend for everyone on Earth who isn’t related to the group. However, Liam has a new band and an awful clothing range to promote, so he’s decided to open and close his mouth.

So what’s he saying? Well, Liam is claiming to have heard most of Noel’s solo album. Is that because Noel sent him a CD of them?

Well, according to Liam, he’s heard them because Noel’s solo stuff were tracks taken from Oasis sessions.

Liam, still bowling around like the archetypal Manc prick, has spouted off about his sibling’s record, saying that he cut vocals for most of the songs which will feature on Noel’s upcoming record.

He spat:

“I’ve heard his fucking new record ‘cos I fucking sung on half of it. When I was in America for ‘Dig Out Your Soul’ he swiped some off because he obviously knew he wanted to do a solo album.

“So he can talk all the bullshit about, ‘Oh, I was intimidated,’ and all that. Fucking nonsense. Behave. He knows. The people know. And I know.”

The people? Who might they be? The 8 remaining humans who give a shit?

Liam added that he doesn’t give a hoot about Noel’s future projects, but does predict that his concerts will be dull.

“I haven’t spoken to him, I haven’t seen him. It’s very hush-hush round his camp. I put up with 18 years of that fucker so I’m not arsed with what he’s doing.

“I’m sure it will all be very civilised and grown-up. His gigs will be like those that you can really stroke your chin at. With four rent-a-Scousers wearing shell-suits.”

As opposed to overpriced pea-coats from Pretty Green?

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Given the technology that our advertising ancestors had 50 years ago, you’d expect that people today would be tuning in to see commercials rather than the TV programmes itself.

If this theory was correct, then the BBC would be sent into oblivion overnight as thousands of people eagerly waited for the Loose Women to shut up and go to a break. Actually, that does happen every time the show is on.

One medium which is becoming increasingly annoying is the film world. Gone are the days of original fresh content. Now we have sequels following prequels and adaptations of books you could never be bothered to read when you were younger. Surely advertisers would never stoop so low as to copy this format and product place branded items into a well known movie scene? The people at Adidas disagree, and have roped in some famous faces to flog some clothes to you.

The Adidas Originals brand is brilliant in so many ways. Whilst it’s billed as a slick and trendy brand, it’s far from unique. Mass-produced clothing that was sewn together in third world countries hardly makes you stand out from the crowd. But then again, people like to be told what to do these days. Especially if famous people are involved!

Starting with French dance duo Daft Punk, they arrive at a bar with gay robot icon C3PO and R2D2 and then we’re taken back to a golden scene from cinema! That all so familiar bar scene from Star Wars has now been taken over with all sorts of misplaced famous people. Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown are laughing like morons at the back of the bar. You have to hand it to them for still being popular despite only releasing one decent album each.

Snoop Dogg takes centre stage, making himself look like a prime tit with his acting that makes us wish he was an alien from another galaxy far, far away. The director presumably thought that because of his gangster hood past, he’d be perfect for causing trouble. Most bar fights don’t usually end in melted punters, but due to escapism we can at least live the dream of pushing someone out the way.

But hold everything. David Beckham then enters the frame! Even though he flicks between playing football in Italy and the joke American league, he is still a cultural icon. And he did this all by himself and doesn’t need to rely on his partner for boosting his fame, because that’s Victoria Beckham‘s job. Seeing as he continually knacks his feet in, a cameo appearance in this advert probably got him out of heating up a lasagne for tea that evening.

If this is going to be the trend of remixing old footage to vaguely plug some sort of product, it does leave us quite excited. Especially if Justin Bieber has to promote some sort of biscuit during a 12-round fight with Rocky.

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It’s hard to feel sorry for rock stars. They are, after all, rock stars, which usually means they get a paid a lot of money to be pretentious, go out with supermodels and trash hotel rooms.

Or something like that. Very rock and roll.

So when we hear they have somehow come up a cropper, it’s hard to stifle a chuckle. None more so than when they are onstage performing their ‘art’.

And if it’s an injury they inflicted on themselves doing something stupid, then, well, that’s just perfect. Not that we enjoy laughing at the misfortunes of people who are more successful than us.

Actually, that’s a lie – we dedicated an entire website to doing that.

The point is, we are not cruel people. Actually, just forget it.

Look it’s just another list, enjoy.

24. Noel Gallagher

Where and when: Toronto 2008

Certainly, the funniest mishap to ever happen to an arrogant, self-important member of a Manchester band that are not nearly as good as they think they are.

Thankfully, the whole incident was captured on film, but those of you who were on a different planet when it happened, here’s a recap. Basically, Oasis ‘mastermind’ Noel Gallagher had to be taken to hospital after being shoved into his monitor by a ‘fan’.

He broke some ribs and brother Liam got all angry. Hilarious.

23. Patti Smith

When and where: London 2007

Proof – if it was ever needed – that it can even happen to the biggest stars – as the Godmother of Punk tripped over a stray speaker onstage and fell flat on her face.

For some reason, her only injuries were a slightly improved face and a badly-cut elbow.

22. Ian Brown

When and where: Sheffield 2008

The former Stones Roses ‘singer’ was left with whiplash and 10 stitches after, in the words of Brown, ‘some crackhead pulled me off stage’.

21. Jim James of My Morning Jacket

When and Where: Iowa 2008

The singer/ guitarist was enjoying his guitar solo so much he fell of stage, badly slicing open his head and forcing the gig to be cancelled. If their music is anything to go by, he was probably falling asleep.

20. Tommy Lee of Motley Crue

When and where: Wyoming 2005

Video star Lee had to be rushed to hospital after being hit in the face with a firework from the pyrotechnics display that was accompanying his mid-air drum solo.

19. Arthur Brown of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown

When and Where: Windsor, England

Burning his face was an occupational hazard for rock’s self-proclaimed ‘God of Hellfire’, who would regularly turn up to gigs with a flaming crown.

However, on one occasion, Brown was very lucky to escape serious injury when the liquid methane which fuelled his crown ran down his face and body. Thankfully for him, some fans in the front row quickly doused him in beer.

18. Gene Simmons of Kiss

Where and when: New York, 1973

The Kiss bassist has always been a bit of a showman. But in New Year’s Eve it cost him his hair and almost his life. In the final throes of Firehouse, the bass player indulged in a bit of fire-breathing on stage.

However, the fireball quickly set his heavily-lacquered locks ablaze. Thankfully, a quick-thinking roadie saved him permanent damage by throwing a wet towel on his flaming hair.

It did not put him off doing it – and he has since had half-a-dozen similar incidents. The show-off must go on.

17. Jamie Reynolds of The Klaxons

Where and when: France, 2007

Stage-diving is never a good idea, especially when you are the singer of a band which has virtually no fans. Reynolds broke his leg, but bravely tried to carry on regardless, only to find he couldn’t walk.

16. Matt Bellamy of Muse

When and where: 2004

Michael Vaughan lookalike Matt Bellamy accidentally headbutted his guitar while Muse were performing one of their ‘stadium rock anthems’. Funnily enough, I know how he feels.

15. Krist Novoselic of Nirvana

Where and when: Hollywood, 1992

During the 1993 VMA Awards, Nirvana bassist Krist was forced to crawl off stage with a bleeding head after he apparently had forgotten that he had just thrown his bass up in the air seconds before.

14. Shingai Shoniwa of the Noisettes

When and where: London’s Buffalo Bar in 2005.

The Young Knives‘ The House Of Lords poked Noisettes singer Shingai Shoniwa in the eye with a bass guitar string while attempting to kiss her goodbye.

13. Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy

Where and when: New Orleans, 2007

Pete Wenz got so excited jumping up and down he broke his foot. Just brilliant.

12. Gary Jarman of The Cribs

Where and when: England 2007

Not sure if this was actually done onstage, but Jarman once had to be hospitalised while on a UK tour because he got blood poisoning after cutting himself on one of his bass strings.

He discharged himself after an overnight stay in order to attend a gig in Norwich, against doctor’s orders.

11. Mike Skinner of The Streets

Where and when: Cambridge Corn Exchange, 2009

OK, so maybe Mike Skinner doesn’t exactly qualify as a rockstar, but, anyway, while indulging in a bit of crowd surfing, one eager fan grabbed hold of his belt and refused to let go.

In fact, the excited fan pulled so hard, he managed to reopen The Streets singer’s hernia scar. Skinner said: “Looks like a wee organ might pop out of its purpley red, bloody gash.” Nice.

10. Roger Waters from Pink Floyd

When: 1969

The grumpy one from Pink Floyd was hit in the forehead by a penny hurled at him by a disgruntled fan. They must have been playing Money.

9. Lou Reed

Where and when: Buffalo, 1973

We all know Lou Reed has long disappeared up his own arse, but did you know that one crazed fan actually bit him on the bum while he was performing?

8. Iggy Pop

Where and when: London, 2008

The wild rocker has had his fair share of injuries while performing to hostile crowds, but the most recent was of his own making when he hurt his leg badly falling off a speaker stack at the Get Loaded in the Park festival.

7. Till Lindemann of Rammstein

Where and when: All the time

Rammstein’s frontman Till Lindemann is a licensed pyrotechnician who spends entire songs engulfed head-to-toe in flames.

He has burned his ears, his hair and his arms, but as the band frequently incorporates fake accidents into their shows, it’s difficult to know how much of it is planned and which are mishaps.

It doesn’t seem to bother Till though. Bandmate Christoph Schneider explains: “Till gets burned all the time, but he likes the pain.”

6. Aldrin Montecinos of Megiddo

Where and when: Valdivia, Chile, 2004

Montecinos, the singer for Chilean black metal band Megiddo, suffered first degree burns after setting fire to his long beard while performing his fire-breathing routine mid-song.

5. Pete Townsend

Where and when: Tacoma, Washington, 1989

While performing his famous ‘windmill’ guitar-strumming technique, The Who guitarist got a bit carried away when he accidentally impaled his tremolo through his right hand.

Clearly the guitar wanted to get revenge for all the guitars Townsend had destroyed in the past.

4. David Bowie

Where and when: Oslo, Norway, 2004

Bowie is used to having flowers and praise thrown his way, but in 2004 he was almost blinded – by a stray lollipop.

As incredible as it sounds, he was literally millimetres from being having his left eyeball skewered by the sweet’s stick after it was thrown by an ‘adoring’ fan.

Thankfully, it wedged in between his eyeball and eyelid and was removed by one of his entourage. Ever the pro, Ziggy Stardust finished the show.

3. James Hetfield of Metallica

When and where: Montreal 1992

The Metallica frontman suffered second and third degree burns on his hand, arm, eyebrows, face and hair after accidentally stepping into a 12-foot tower of flame that had been rigged to shoot from the lip of the stage at Montreal’s Olympic Stadium in 1992.

Thankfully, his guitar protected him from having worse injuries, but he was unable to finish the tour.

2. Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P.

Where and when: Someplace during the 80s

W.A.S.P frontman Blackie almost blew his dick off when his flame-throwing codpiece exploded, lifting him several feet into the air.

Thankfully for Blackie, all he got was burnt legs. Apparently, while nursing his wounds offstage he said to bandmates: “If we wrote better songs we wouldn’t have to resort to stunts like this.”

1. Frank Zappa

Where and when: London, 1971

Frank Zappa was forced to stay in a wheelchair for months after being pushed off stage and into the concrete-floored orchestra pit.

The rest of The Mothers of Invention even thought he was dead. But he survived (obviously), but he had to take six months off touring after suffering serious fractures, head trauma and injuries to his back, leg, and neck, as well as a crushed larynx.

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If you look out your window, you’ll see that the world is currently in a dire state.

Once-proud businessmen are reduced to skeletal husks of men, scuttling around rubbish bins with only their own shoes for sustenance. Families are selling their beloved household pets for thirty pence so they can afford to buy a newspaper to live under for a month.

Flaming corpses of villainous bankers pave deserted mud tracks which were once bustling high streets.
Most people are in agreement that this is probably the worst time ever to be alive. In fact, the majority of the population is only bothering to struggle on in the slim hope that the development of time travel will, one day, allow us to return to a time when everyone in the world chose to buy nothing at all from Woolworths rather than having that decision forced upon us. But, for one infamously cheery man, this grim reality is simply unbearable.

Noel Gallagher has taken time out of fingering through his dog-eared Beatles songbook to criticise the news for being a bit gloomy of late. This, remember, is the man whose back-catalogue could instantly evaporate all the happiness from Santa’s workshop. Gallagher whined:

“It’s really bad, man. In one sitting watching Sky News the doom and gloom is outrageous. Recession, recession, stabbings, corruption, murder, desolation, despair.”

We can only imagine what Noel Gallagher’s ideal half-an-hour of current affairs would be. Perhaps the news should forthwith avoid any nationally important event if it makes Noel Gallagher a bit upset and, instead, take the form of an expansive, sprawling list of every single uplifting event to take place in the country that day? This should be considered if only to avoid a stunted attempt at social commentary on Oasis’ next album, currently rumoured to have the working title of News Is Sad.

We’ve often wondered who the ‘and in other news…’ stories at the end of each bulletin were aimed at. Now, we’ll be able to envisage Noel Gallagher’s childlike delight as he beams on, his eyes as big as saucers, at a tiny kitten being rescued from a lemon tree. In fact, it’s rumoured that Oasis’ only demand for the backstage area of their concerts is that the YouTube video of Christian the Lion is played in a constant loop on 50-foot screens as the band look on, arms linked, holding a brave silence.

Instead of feeling down about the media coverage of the recession, perhaps Noel Gallagher should ask himself what he can do to help it? For example, Noel Gallagher, why not relocate a struggling family of five in your vast, Amazonian eyebrows? Why not test your song writing prowess and see if you can come up with a clever rhyme for ‘bankers’ in a benefit single? But, most importantly, please stop pilfering from aging musicians before Ringo Starr is discovered destitute, dressed in an old potato sack, eating cat food from his cold, bare hands.

This was a guest blog by Jamie Ross, the man who has been in so many newspapers recently that he may as well be a titty model. He writes Cancerous Capers. You’ll like it.

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What with embracing capitalism and becoming a superpower and all, China’s had a lot to deal with recently.

But some things are still too much to cope with. Like lumpen, coasting indie music made by, in part, the bloke from Heavy Stereo, for instance. And that’s why China has banned Oasis from performing there.

The Chinese government’s official explanation for the Oasis ban is that Noel Gallagher performed at a Free Tibet concert in 1997, although we’ve heard rumours that actually Vice Premier in charge of agriculture Hui Liangyu banned them because he much prefers the music of The Bluetones.

In recent years, China has softened its stance on allowing Western acts to perform within its borders, which is probably a good idea because the last Chinese pop CD we bought made us want to chop off our testicles and plug our ears with them.

And, by and large, this has been a success. True, there’s been the odd upset along the way – like Bjork yelling out “TIBET!” like she was trying to stop it falling down an open manhole, and Sharon Stone being a gigantic dicksplat – but generally things have gone OK. The Rolling Stones have even performed in China, for crying out loud.

They can’t have gone down too well, though, because China has decided that it doesn’t want Oasis – essentially The Rolling Stones with less good songs – to play there.

That’s right, Oasis have been banned from China, either because of Noel Gallagher’s participation in a Free Tibet concert 12 years ago, or because anyone who likes Oasis in China can already buy Definitely Maybe on CD, which is better because it doesn’t have a piss-poor hour-long version of I Am The Walrus artlessly tacked on at the end of it like an Oasis concert would. But anyway, Billboard reports:

Officials within the Chinese Ministry of Culture only recently discovered that Noel Gallagher appeared at a Free Tibet benefit concert in New York City in 1997. “Oasis are extremely disappointed that they are now being prevented from undertaking their planned tour of mainland China and hope that the powers that be within China will reconsider their decision and allow the band to perform to their Chinese fans at some stage in the future.”

Oasis shouldn’t get downhearted about not being able to play in China. Jay-Z has also been banned by the Chinese government, so now they’ve got something else in common apart from being old and past their prime and not really liking each other very much. And being married to people from crappy girlbands. Actually, Jay-Z and Oasis have more in common than we thought. How odd.

Incidentally, does anyone happen to know if China has any restrictions on bad-tempered entertainment bloggers? Because if it means avoiding Oasis for the rest of our lives, we’ll be on a eastward-bound plane by dinnertime. And that’s a promise*.

*Not a promise.

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Oasis have been going for nearly two decades, and along the way you do have to give them some sort of credit.

Instead of years of artistic exploration, they just decided to release their best album first and continue to bill new releases as “the best thing since sliced Definitely Maybe”. Only to disappoint every time.

Last year Oasis released their seventh studio album Dig Out Your Soul. To be fair, it did have its moments but nothing that pushed the creative boundaries. This obviously proved to push one man to dig out his anger by attacking Noel Gallagher when Oasis performed in Canada.

Because everyone in the world spends more time recording grainy footage on their phones than paying attention to gigs they pay over the odds for, the comedy attack on Noel Gallagher was captured on video. During a performance of Morning Glory, 47-year-old Daniel Sullivan crept onstage and gave the main force behind Oasis a good pasting.

Unless the attacker was extremely powerful, or Noel Gallagher doesn’t consume enough dairy products in his rock n roll lifestyle to produce strong and healthy bones, Noel fell to the floor and broke several ribs. But not enough for a local Chinese restaurant to extract them and create a special one-off Oasis spare rib dish with Mancunian sauce.

Because the incident was captured on video for the world to gawp at, the charge assault was brought against Sullivan. The video – which makes him an internet celebrity alongside Star Wars kid, the strange Leave Britney Alone guy and the fat man who dances to Romanian pop songs – sadly did nothing to stop the authorities bring extra charges against him.

This extra charge? Aggravated assault! We know, we aren’t completely sure either, but the NME confirms the grim news. Surely the charges should be dropped as he did the public a great service by twatting a loud-mouth bloke from Manchester who complains about everything. No?

Maybe the chords weren’t right when Don’t Look Back In Anger was played? Or perhaps Sullivan was sick of hearing about a band whose career wouldn’t have developed if it wasn’t for high profile spats with Blur, threatening to split up every other year, getting pissed at every opportunity, randomly having a go at other supposed famous people and sacking band members every four and a half minutes?

We don’t know, but when court day comes, we’re going to stand outside the courthouse with banners and party food to hopefully celebrate the judge’s decision to not bang him up for 14 years. At the moment that is the sentence hanging over his head. All because Noel Gallagher couldn’t live up to his hardman image.

Like Michael Jackson‘s kiddie touching case, we’ll release an army of doves if Daniel Sullivan is found innocent.

Though with a credit crunch we may have to do with AIDS-ridden seagulls instead. Just don’t tell anyone. OK?

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