Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Ms. Hickey admitted that she often carries an apple around with her in hope that by holding said apple people will automatically recognise her hands and lavish her with praise and adoration. They don’t. This could partly be attributed to the fact people’s hands look pretty much the same, but it’s mostly because no one actually cares.

The lack of interest hasn’t stopped out Simba Kimbra though; she’s after a part in the latest Twilight film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Her hand modelling shows us that she already has about as much acting talent as the incredibly one dimensional Robert Pattinson or the allegedly Vagina-less and jaw-droppingly wooden Kristen Stewart, but as yet she hasn’t heard back from the casting director and we can’t say we’re too surprised.

Hickey’s agent, Danielle Korwin, said that her client’s hands were in demand because they were veinless. Korwin then went on to state that they obviously weren’t the sort of hands a vampire would like. Did you see what she did there? Did you? She’s pretty sharp that one, with wit like that it’s no wonder her client is a worldwide star… wait… she’s not? Oh.

Anywho, until fame appears at her bedroom window one night to come and sweep her away, Kimbra Hickey is going to have to make do with her apparently lucrative hand modelling career and the fact that in a few years time, it’ll be a totally different kind of hand job she’ll have to rely on in order to make ends meet.

Hear that? That’s the sound of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s grim acceptance that they’ll never be free from this thing.

Never. Never ever. Every time they think they can see end to this Twilight nonsense, the goalposts get moved. Maybe the first Twilight film would be a flop and that’d be the end of it, they thought. But it wasn’t. Maybe Breaking Dawn will turn out to be unfilmable so there’d only be three Twilight films instead of four, they thought. But not only is Breaking Dawn filmable, it’s being divided into two separate movies. They can’t win.

But, hey, at least Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can reassure themselves with the fact that there’ll be five Twilight films tops, right? Nope – Stephenie Meyer has just written another Twilight book. We don’t know who’s more depressed, us or them. What’s that? It’s us? By a fairly considerable margin? Oh.

The Twilight series of book has already given us so much – it’s given us topless werewolves, creepy old vampires who want to screw schoolchildren, an unpleasant conservative pro-abstinence agenda masquerading as adolescent literature and, most importantly, a lead character dumbly submissive enough to single-handedly set feminism back by about six decades.

But you know what the Twilight books haven’t given us? An entire retelling of Eclipse from the perspective of a newborn vampire baby. We know! We can’t believe that we’ve got this far without that, too! Luckily, though, Stephenie Meyer has sensed our pain and, motivated by a total humiliating lack of ideas love for the Twilight fans, she’s gone away and written one. And it’s out really soon, too. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Attention, “Twilight” fans: Stephenie Meyer has a new book coming out. Little, Brown Books for Young Readers will release “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner” on June 5. The novella is told from the viewpoint of Bree, a newborn vampire featured in “Eclipse,” one of the books in Meyer’s bestselling teen-vampire saga.

We don’t know about you, but we’re genuinely excited about The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner. True, that’s largely because it’s a novella and so we’ll have to exert much less energy to kick it out of people’s hands on the train than we did with Breaking Dawn, which was physically a much larger book, but it still counts.

In fact, we can’t wait to see if The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner will be a success or not. Here’s hoping it is, because that’ll give Stephenie Meyer carte blanche to rewrite every single Twilight book from the perspective of every single character. Want to know what Twilight was like from the perspective of Edward, or what Eclipse was like from the perspective of Ron Howard’s daughter, or what New Moon was like from the perspective of that ridiculous rasta vampire who looks like he’d escaped from one of the rubbish Matrix sequels? Stick around kids, it’s only a matter of time.

Still, one thing’s for certain – at least The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner will make an excellent Twilight movie. No, we don’t know what happens in it yet, but it will almost certainly contain scenes of an uncomfortably young character with their top off. That’s the stuff that Twilight fans eat up.

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Firstly, an apology for that headline. ‘Hops’. Honestly, that was lazy of us. But at least we didn’t go for ‘leapfrogs’.

It was a close-run thing. But anyway, this isn’t news – the news is that The Princess And The Frog is the number one movie at the weekend box office. It’s an important film, too, because every cell was hand-drawn by Walt Disney himself, using the very same felt-tip pen that once wrote the Magna Carta. Or something. We weren’t really paying attention. Still, it’s an important film, OK?

That said, we still don’t know what The Princess And The Frog is about. We have a feeling it’s about a duchess and a zebra, but don’t quote us on that.

You’ve got to love Disney, haven’t you? This year has seen the start of the 3D revolution, with everything from Up to Avatar to Final Destination 4 being presented in such crystal clear digital 3D that a trip to the cinema has become more immersive than ever before, and the main marketing point for Disney’s new film The Princess And The Frog is that it’s less 3D than any of its films for five whole years.

Because The Princess And The Frog is completely 2D, you see. It’s all drawn with pens and pencils, like the sort of cartoons your grandparents probably watched. And it’s the US weekend box office number one, too. To maximise on this new hunger for nostalgia, we heard that next year Disney plans to release a new movie that’s animated by an old Victorian phenakistoscope. And then it’ll bring out a film that’s just a bunch of cave paintings. Or whatever. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - The Princess And The Frog (It’s no secret how this film ends. The princess kisses the frog and then ends up contracting an acute case of gastroenteritis from an inter-species transmission of the Campylobacter pathogen. It’s a tale as old as time) $25,000,000

2 - The Blind Side (Still doing well, even though it’s a Sandra Bullock film that doesn’t involve a number of hilarious crossed wires culminating in an unlikely love affair. We though those were banned after Premonition) $14,450,000

3 - Invictus (Hasn’t done as well as The Blind Side because a) it’s about rugby and not American football, b) it’s a recreation of an important cultural and political moment in a country’s history and not a sappy, slightly manipulative heart-warmer and c) people want to perv on Sandra Bullock’s bottom and not Nelson Mandela‘s) $9,085,000

4 - New Moon (Oh, hurry up and get to the film where the vampire bites through Bella‘s womb, already) $8,000,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (We could be wrong, but we’re starting to think that A Christmas Carol has been in the weekend box office top five since about April. Do something about that, please) $6,871,000

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Here’s a surprise – New Moon might have the teenage girls spraying urine everywhere, but it’s not the most popular film around.

No, that’d be The Blind Side. Released on the same day as New Moon, The Blind Side looked doomed to play perpetual bridesmaid to New Moon, but now the unthinkable has happened – thanks to strong word of mouth, The Blind Side has now overtaken New Moon to reach the top of the weekend box office. It just goes to show that you need hundreds of pasty boy-nipples to make an enduring, well-loved movie.

From this you might have got the impression that The Blind Side is some kind of masterpiece. It isn’t – it looks rubbish.

There’s a bit of a lull in the US weekend box office this week, because studios are worried that their new films won’t get a fair punt. They think that Avatar will crush everything before it when it’s released in a few weeks, even though it looks like a film about a Smurf with Marfan syndrome. And nothing will be released before then because they think that New Moon would still be an unstoppable box office force by now.

Or they thought that so many screaming teenage girls would wet themselves during the first showing of New Moon that all the cinemas would have to close so that the urine could be steam-cleaned out of the seats by now. One or the other.

But that hasn’t happened. Plucky little underdog The Blind Side has quietly slipped passed New Moon to become the weekend box office number one. Look, here’s the weekend box office top five to prove it…

1 – The Blind Side (The success of The Blind Side has proved that any little film can hit the big time if enough people get behind it. Oh, and it helps if it’s an awful TV movie-looking slice of real-life slush about sickly sweet crap, too) $20,400,000

2 - New Moon (New Moon is number two. But we’ve been saying that for months) $15,700,000

3 - Brothers (A film starring Natalie Portman and Toby Maguire about the emotional agony of a soldier who… god, are you still reading this? Your tolerance for dreadful worthy-sounding movies is higher than we thought) $9,700,000

4 - A Christmas Carol (Apparently Robert Zemeckis wants his motion capture films to get their own Oscar category. That’s fair enough – the only other way A Christmas Carol would be likely to win anything is if the academy introduced a Best Genuinely Pointless Remakes Of Beloved Novels Starring Several Dead-Eyed Versions Of Jim Carrey category) $7,500,000

5 - Old Dogs (Not strictly an accurate depiction of what it’d be like if Robin Williams was forced to look after some children, because at no point during Old Dogs is there a scene where the children are forced to endure hour after hour of Robin Williams yammering out an imagined three-way conversation between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton and a cartoon antelope) $6,900,000

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Films like New Moon only come along once in a while – or as fast as Summit Entertainment can pump them out.

One or the other. But anyway, it doesn’t really matter, because New Moon is enjoying its second week on top of the weekend box office. And why shouldn’t it? After all, New Moon has got something for everyone – 14-year-old girls, 14-and-a-half-year-old girls, 14-and-three-quarters-year-old girls, everyone. It’s catch-all entertainment. Provided you’re a girl, around the age of 14 and a little bit slow.

And if you think New Moon is popular, just wait for the Twilight film where Edward chews through Bella‘s uterus. Wow!

Thanksgiving weekend is an interesting one when it comes to the US weekend box office. On one hand, people should all be spending their weekend at home, eating good food and basking in the unconditional love of their families. But on the other hand, it’s also when people become so desperate to escape all the petty never-ending arguments and stultifying boredom of being around their families that they’ll go and watch any old crap at the movies just to get a few hours of peace.

And by ‘any old crap’ we mean New Moon, because that’s the weekend box office number one for the second week running. And here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (How many times have you seen New Moon this week, huh? Huh? How many times? Is it more than none? Then we hate you.) $42,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Giving New Moon a surprisingly close run for its money. Maybe dreary real-life stories of unerring human kindness are the new topless werewolves. God, let’s hope so) $40,600,000

3 - 2012 (A really terrifying film. Imagine a world largely descended from John Cusack. Doesn’t bear thinking about, really, does it?) $17,800,000

4 - Old Dogs (A film about a cold-hearted professional who suddenly has to raise kids? What an excellent idea for a film! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?) $17,100,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (Surprisingly faithful to the book. We especially liked the bit from chapter four when Scrooge pulls a funny face, yelps like a monkey and runs around aimlessly for 15 minutes at a time) $16,300,000

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Robert Pattinson likes to succeed at everything he does, whether it’s acting or smelling like stale farts.

Or having stupid hair. Robert Pattinson excels at that. However, there’s one area of Robert Pattinson’s life that remains unfulfilled – his music. Sure, a song of his was included on the Twilight soundtrack, but that’s no mark of success – the soundtrack also included Linkin Park and two Paramore songs, so anyone who actually bought it deserves to have their brain kicked off.

So Robert Pattinson has devised a plan. He wants to release an album under an assumed name so it can stand on its own merits. Just one problem – that assumed name is going to be Edward Cullen (You Know, Off Twilight. The Handsome One. The Sparkly Vampire. Please Love Me). Probably.

If we had to pick the greatest album of all time, we’d have to say it was Other Ways Of Speaking by Russell Crowe and 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts. Man, hardly a day goes by when we don’t play that record, unless of course we’re too busy playing Minnie Driver‘s album or The Greatest Hits of Bruce Willis or Songs From The Crystal Cave by Steven Seagal. But maybe we’ll have to stop playing those albums soon, because Robert Pattinson now reportedly wants to release an album, and that’s bound to become the greatest album ever released by an actor. Ever.

However, it won’t be quite that easy, because Robert Pattinson wants to release his album anonymously. Metro reports:

The 23-year-old says he once dreamed of crooning in pubs but his fame has now scuppered those ideas. So R-Patz plans to go undercover with his music instead. ‘If the record is released one day, my picture won’t be on the cover. No one would listen to it,’ he said.

If Robert Pattinson does decide to embark on an anonymous music career, you can guarantee that it won’t stay anonymous for very long. That’s not because his fans are so ravenous that they’ll uncover his identity in a matter of seconds, it’s because celebrities tend to be too vain to keep their side projects secret for very long.

Paul McCartney sometimes releases secret albums as The Fireman – and that’s something that he’ll never discuss. Unless he’s doing an interview, of course, in which case he’ll keep tangentially banging on about fires and hoses and helmets and dalmatians and the movie Ladder 49 until everyone dies of boredom. Similarly, Daniel Radcliffe publishes poetry under a top-secret alias that he managed to keep quiet for about three seconds before blabbing it to the world because he just wants people to love him.

But we’re sure that Robert Pattinson’s album will be different. If you can’t wait for it to be released by the way, why not do the next best thing and hang out near that crazy old homeless man who stands in the doorway of River Island belting out off-kilter Showaddywaddy hits on a battered old three-string guitar. He might not sound anything like Robert Pattinson, admittedly, but at least it’ll smell quite accurate.

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Now that New Moon is an unqualified success, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart carry on doing what they love best.

And that’s schlepping around together looking genuinely miserable. This time, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen together in New York, eating food and being outside and stuff. Oh, and possibly getting their bodyguards to stand in the way while they have a quick kiss.

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart finally an item? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe the answer is no. Maybe we’ll never find out for sure. And maybe one day we’ll get bored and stop asking. PS: that last one is patently never going to happen.

Thanks to New Moon, the world has two new A-list megastars – and we’re certain that they make a wonderful couple. We’re talking, of course, about Taylor Lautner‘s nipples. True, one day Taylor Lautner’s nipples might fall out of favour with one another and go through a painful drawn-out split, but for now they’re megastars. Megastars, you hear?

Also, there’s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who are also quite famous and probably a couple, although they lose marks for not being quite as attractive as a 16-year-old boy’s hairy nipples.

The Robert Pattinson/ Kristen Stewart romance is troubling not only because it doesn’t have a proper name yet (Krobert? Stattinson? Pisten?), but because both parties are maintaining a steely silence about it. To this day, Robert Pattinson says he can’t get a date and Kristen Stewart maintains that she’s a lesbian. But they’re always together – so what gives?

Well, luckily enough, some people had nothing better to do than stalk around New York three paces behind Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart last weekend, jotting down every single individual sign of intimacy between them into a grubby little notebook. And, luckily enough, we’ve got nothing better to do than pass that information on in the misguided belief that any of it’s worthwhile. People reports:

The duo started their night at the ultra exclusive Soho House, where they “had a good time”. Later, they skipped over to Avenue, where they were spotted making out while their bodyguards tried to block prying eyes. On Saturday night the two were spotted getting close at Dive Bar, on the Upper West Side. A source spotted the duo around 3 a.m. with their bodyguard in tow.

So that, it would seem, is that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were seen making out, so they must be a couple. Unless the information was false and they weren’t making out and they’re not a couple. But let’s assume that they are, in which case we’d like to congratulate Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on their new-found love. And also, we’d like to warn them that if they ever have kids, they’re going to have some really shit hair.

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Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

If you haven’t seen New Moon yet, then SPOILER ALERT – it’s rubbish. And about two hours too long. And made up exclusively of painfully drawn-out silences and close-up shots of boy nipples. And it’s rubbish. Did we mention that it’s rubbish?

But New Moon is also successful, which is why it’s number one at the US weekend box office this week. It’s already broken box office records. It’s already the biggest werewolf movie ever. It’s had the biggest-ever opening for an independent movie. It’s caused more involuntary urination than any other film this year and it’s the best-performing film about a pale, undead ghoul with a creepy fondness for people much younger than him since that Michael Jackson film. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (If you liked New Moon, you’ll love watching its stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in other hit films like, um, no. No, actually, we’ve got nothing) $140,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock plays a southern woman who adopts an impoverished young black boy from a broken home and, against the odds, falls in love with him. We made that last bit up based on the plot of every other Sandra Bullock film. We’re probably right) $34,510,000

3 - 2012 (Where John Cusack almost causes the total extinction of the human species. Which we thought he almost did when he made Serendipity. Are we right? Huh? HUH?) $26,500,000

4 - Planet 51 (Where Dwayne The Rock Johnson goes on a fun-filled family adventure and blah blah blah blah blah blah hilarious consequences) $12,600,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (The first of Robert Zemeckis‘ computer animated films where you’re not overwhelmingly creeped out by the almost-human characters. That’s because this is a Jim Carrey film and you’re bound to be more freaked out by the almost-human voices) $12,230,000

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Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Things that Miley Cyrus doesn’t like: Twilight. There must be other things too – like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper’s vagina, probably – but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn’t like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn’t like Twilight and now it’s news. Because that’s how news works.

In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn’t even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.

This is a difficult time for Miley Cyrus. She’s clearly desperate to break free from the shackles of Hannah Montana and become a more adult-oriented performer, but how? Taking her clothes off for magazines? She’s already done that. Releasing singles that sound like tenth-rate Red Hot Chili Pepper rip-offs instead of tenth-rate High School Musical rip-offs? She’s already done that too. What else can Miley do to deliberately distance herself from her tween fanbase?

We know! Why doesn’t Miley Cyrus take every opportunity to badmouth everything that tweens traditionally like? It’s a perfect idea. Tweens like Twitter, so why doesn’t Miley Cyrus suddenly decide that she hates Twitter? What? She’s already done that? Brilliant? What next? What else do tweens like? Heelies? Too niche. Ice cream? Too broad. Talking about themselves endless in gratingly rasping voices under the profound misapprehension that anybody cares? But Miley likes that too! Oh, this is SO HARD!

Hang on, what about Twilight? That’s perfect. Tweens don’t just like Twilight, they love Twilight. They love Twilight so much that all they want to do when they grow up is get pregnant from a 108-year-old man who’ll gnaw through her guts to get the baby out. So why doesn’t Miley Cyrus just trash that? It’s a DEAL! MTV reports:

“I’ve never seen it and nor will I ever,” Miley [said]. The starlet went on to elaborate on what exactly it is about “Twilight” that offends her. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. … I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it,” she said.

Well, gee Miley, we knew that you didn’t like shirts – because you take enough photos of yourself without them – but to say that you don’t like Twilight a few days before the release of New Moon is put thousands of young fans in a quandary. What are they supposed to do now?

Do they side with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the effortlessly dishevelled stars of New Moon who inspire lust and devotion everywhere they go? Or do the side with the annoying 16-year-old who’s probably best known for holding hands with a Jonas Brother and singing songs like Ice Cream Freeze (Let’s Chill)?

Yeah, it’s a toughie.

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It’s just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What’s it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously.

But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch – nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they’ve downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too.

Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don’t have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all’s not lost – we’ve got the next best thing.

You don’t have to be an expert on cinema to know that New Moon is going to be a sensation. It’s going to take everything that anyone loved about Twilight – the bad-haired sparkle pixie, the girl with the long face, the terrible Paramore soundtrack – and add so many werewolves and boy nipples and scenes featuring Tony Blair that it’s bound to reduce audiences to quivering, urine-soaked emo pandas within the first minute.

But before New Moon, we have to deal with the New Moon premiere, which took place last night in Los Angeles. The New Moon premiere was important because it gave fans the chance to see their favourite stars close-up, allowing them to answer big questions like ‘Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really an item?’, ‘What does Taylor Lautner look like when he’s wearing clothes?’ and ‘My life really has gone terribly wrong somewhere down the line, hasn’t it?’

As with all premieres, though, the New Moon premiere gave everyone a chance to dress up to the nines and look effortlessly glamorous. We’d show you what the young New Moon stars wore, but sadly we can’t afford the image rights. So instead, we’ve employed a professional illustrator to create near-photographic recreations of their outfits, based on descriptions by MTV. Ready?

Robert Pattinson – MTV said:

Pattinson looked dashing, as the English gentleman wore a fitted black Gucci suit. And the ladies swooned over his tousled, highlighted hair.

Here’s how he looked…

Taylor Lautner – MTV said:

Lautner opted for a blue suit, pairing it with a tie and shirt in a similar shade. But his spiky hair and easygoing demeanor kept the look age appropriate and fun.

Here’s how he looked…

Kristen Stewart – MTV said:

Stewart really glammed it up, abandoning her usual grungy-cool style for a flowing, ethereal gown. But she did hold on to a bit of the trademark Stewart style with her messy, just-out-of-bed updo, with heavy eye makeup finishing the look.

Here’s how she looked…

You’re welcome, New Moon fans!

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With New Moon being released this week, there’s only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga.

And that’s ‘for the love of all that’s holy, won’t somebody make it stop?’ Oh, and also ‘now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?’ That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn’t. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway.

So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You’re welcome Twilight fans. You’re welcome.

At the moment, the Twilight saga has a perfect ending. Breaking Dawn – the book where Edward chews through Bella‘s uterus or whatever – wraps things up nicely for everyone. Bella becomes a vampire, Edward finds love, Taylor Lautner decides that he wants to have sex with a baby or something and all the Twilight fans who read it end up soaked in their own wee to such a horrendous extent that even they realise they should probably start reading real books for once. It’s a perfect ending.

However, because the books are so popular – and definitely not because Stephenie Meyer wants enough money to submerge a giant coin mosaic of her own face at the bottom of her Olympic-sized heated swimming pool – there’s a chance that Breaking Dawn might not be the last Twilight book after all. Why, just the other day Oprah Winfrey opened an episode of her show with the burning question:

“Coming up, will there be a fifth book in the Twilight saga? Stephenie answers that later.”

Admittedly Oprah didn’t get round to actually asking that question – she was probably too busy prattling on about her feelings like some sort of awful ninny – but after the show some backstagers, probably rolling their eyes and muttering “She’s always doing this”, collared Stephenie Meyer and forced her to answer the question. Here’s what she said:

“I can’t answer it. The way I write, it’s what makes me happy. Like, I can’t write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn’ in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn’t come, I’d be OK.”

Brilliant! That means there’s definitely going to be a fifth Twilight book – Stephenie Meyer just needs to write an underperforming book about aliens that makes her realise that she’ll only have enough money to eat if she keeps joylessly churning out Twilight stories first. And you know what that means – a new Twilight book will eventually become a new Twilight film!

We don’t know what we’re more excited about – the thought of seeing a paunchy Taylor Lautner taking his top off with the kind of glee you only get when you’ve spent the last decade making direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers or the fact that, by the time the fifth Twilight film gets made, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will have got married, had children and gone through the bitterest divorce in Hollywood history, making every scene they share toe-curlingly awkward for everyone involved.

But what to call the fifth Twilight book? We’ve already had Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – what comes after that? Well, if our research is anything to go by, we can now comfortably predict that the next Twilight book will be called The Fat Lady Gets Another Jaffa Cake Out Of The Packet. We’re almost completely certain about that.

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Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.

He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.

Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.

How do you divide Twilight fans into groups? Splitting them into those who dribble and those who don’t won’t work, because they all dribble. Similarly, you can’t divide them into groups of 1) those who wear black nail varnish and those who don’t, 2) those who uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and those who don’t or 3) those who are desperately lonely and those who aren’t, because all Twilight fans wear black nail varnish, uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and are desperately lonely. That’s just a fact.

But maybe you can divide Twilight fans into those who like Robert Pattinson and those who like Taylor Lautner. Yes, that works. Twilight fans who like Taylor Lautner prefer buff young men with an uncontrollable wild side and an inexplicable propensity for wandering around half naked. And Twilight fans who like Robert Pattinson prefer men who stink like a barrel of bums in a curdled yoghurt factory.

It’s true. Remember all those rumours from earlier this year about how Robert Pattinson stinks? And remember how he initially denied it? Well it’s all out in the open now. We know it’s all out in the open because a) Robert Pattinson has admitted that he stinks, and b) all the foliage in a 40-mile radius of Robert Pattinson’s dirty bum has wilted, died, caught on fire and started to poison people with its toxic bum-smoke. Us Weekly reports:

Pattinson says that he rarely changes his clothes. “These jeans are a few days old,” he says. “But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene – it’s so disgusting!” He explains that his constant travel schedule pares down his wardrobe quite a bit.

You know what? We’re proud of Robert Pattinson. It takes a big man to step forward and admit that he reeks like an old man’s shoe that’s been filled with bat guano. It takes a big man to admit that smelling his scalp is like smelling a pork chop that’s been left behind a radiator for six months. It takes a big man to admit that when he cries, the tears smell like a mixture of raw sewage and infected wounds. Be proud, Robert Pattinson. Hold your chin up high. Raise your arms in triumph.

Actually, no, put your arms down again. Jesus, man, you smell like crap.

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That’s presuming that Taylor Lautner wears knickers. He might not. He doesn’t really wear shirts very often.

Maybe knickers are an afterthought. After all, if you wore shirts as infrequently as Taylor Lautner, you probably wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the threat of splashing a bit of wee directly up the inside of your trousers, would you? Would you? No. No you wouldn’t.

Anyway, Taylor Lautner threw a little tantrum at a press conference on Friday when people wouldn’t shut up about Taylor Swift. We should have just said that at the beginning instead of banging on about knickers, really.

In the next couple of weeks, New Moon will be released and Taylor Lautner will solidify his position as the world’s hottest mostly-nude teenage werewolf. That’s bound to be an exciting time for him, but it also has its downsides. Lautner only needs to look at Robert Pattinson to see that.

Despite all the good things that Twilight fame has brought him, Robert Pattinson’s life has been affected in a number of negative ways, too. It’s made screaming dribble-faced teenage girls try and push him into traffic all the time. It’s made his love life the source of constant uninvited scrutiny. And it also seems to have elongated his face and made him think he can get away with that silly haircut all the time.

And that’s what Taylor Lautner has to look forward to, although hopefully without the unfortunate face and hair thing. Thanks to his burgeoning relationship with Taylor Swift, he already knows what it’s like to have questions asked about his personal life – questions like ‘Is it love?’, ‘Is it a real relationship?’ and ‘Just what are we supposed to call you two anyway? Twoler? Do we get to call you Twoler? Twoler sounds fun’ – and, on the basis of a press conference he took part in on Friday, it doesn’t look like he’s coping that well. E! Online reports:

The most famous member of the New Moon wolf pack got his hackles up Friday afternoon at a press conference for the film, when a reporter asked him about rumors that he’s dating Taylor Swift. “What about us?” Lautner shot back. “The very funny thing is that all of you have seen every single move I have made so I guess I can leave that up to you to decide.”

We probably shouldn’t read too much into this outburst – remember that this is the first time Taylor Lautner has ever carried a film by himself and, coupled with the fact that he’s only about four years old, we should be allowed to forgive him for a few beginner’s mistakes. But that’s missing the most important part. Read the last sentence of Taylor’s quote again. That’s right – he’s leaving the status of his relationship with Taylor Swift up to us to decide.

That’s great, because we’ve decided that we’d quite like both of them to shut up and go away. Thanks, Twoler!

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There’s a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now.

Why? Just look at her. She doesn’t just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin.

And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.

This question of whether or not Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are doing it isn’t going away, is it? Believe the tabloids and they either are doing it, were doing it but stopped doing it – probably because Robert Pattinson smells like arses – or that they’re so completely in love that doing it has become a routine chore that stopped being exciting to either of them long ago. Believe Robert Pattinson and they definitely aren’t doing it.

Who are we supposed to trust here? Hang on, there’s one person who nobody has asked yet. Kristen Stewart. She’s famous for her forthright manner – and her slightly horse-shaped head, although that’s less relevant – so why doesn’t someone ask her what’s going on?

Funny you should ask, because Entertainment Weekly has done exactly that. And Kristen Stewart’s response?

“I probably would’ve answered it if people hadn’t made such a big deal about it. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just fucking give your whole life away? Can I have your firstborn child?’… Okay, we are. We aren’t. I’m a lesbian. I’m just trying to keep something. If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor, I’d be like ‘Fuck off!’”

So there you have it. Kristen Stewart is doing it with Robert Pattinson. And she’s not. And she’s a lesbian. So that’s that cleared up.

Really, though, we don’t know why Kristen Stewart can’t just be honest about everything. She should think of all the New Moon fans – if they don’t know whether or not she’s doing it with Robert Pattinson, then how will they know whether or not to scratch her face off all their New Moon merchandise with a mathematical compass and then write the word ‘BITCH!!!!!!’ underneath it in Tipp-Ex? It’s inconsiderate of Kristen Stewart, that’s what it is.

But, still, we suppose we can see her point. After all, it can’t be nice to see your personal life become public property like this. Especially not when it happens two weeks before the release of the new movie that also stars the man who you’ve been romantically linked with, and all you’re trying to do is promote the film in any way you possibly can. Yes, that must be awful.

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We don’t know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life.

We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple.

But, sadly, they’re not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they’ve broken up. But they haven’t. Probably. Unless they’re not. Clear?

It must be so difficult for the cast of New Moon. Here they are, all ready to promote their new movie to the world, and their personal lives have suddenly decided to rear up completely of their own accord with no prompting from the New Moon marketing department or anything. It’s a terrible inconvenience for them, we’re sure.

Just last week we learnt that New Moon‘s Taylor Lautner had found love with Taylor Swift, apropos of absolutely nothing. Next week we’re fully expecting to hear that New Moon‘s Michael Sheen has somehow hooked up with a Jonas Brother. And this week it’s back to trusty old Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

If you follow this sort of thing, you may have noticed rumours in the press that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are a couple. These rumours have been fuelled in part by the undeniable onscreen chemistry they share, and in part by the fact that they’re almost definitely having it away with each other in real life. Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert and Kristen do everything together. They eat together. They stay in hotels together. From looking at them, you’d think that they have competitions to see who can go the longest without washing together.

Except if you ask Robert Pattinson about any of this, he’ll completely deny it. We know this because Vanity Fair asked Robert Pattinson this recently, and he completely denied it. Look:

“It doesn’t make any difference what you say [to the tabloids]. I’ve literally been across the country [from Kristen], and it’s like ‘Oh, they were on secret dates!’ It’s like ‘Where? I can’t get out of my hotel room!’ … She’s influenced how I’ve done all the Twilight stuff. It’s quite nice to have someone who is genuinely indifferent to the whole spectacle of everything.”

So what’s the truth here? Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart a couple or aren’t they? Will the world soon be full of bored-looking, shit-haired babies who look as if they could do with a couple of hours in the sunshine or won’t it? Will knowing the answer one way or the other make you any happier or even affect your life in any measurable way whatsoever or won’t it?

It won’t? Didn’t think so.

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