Robert Pattinson likes to succeed at everything he does, whether it’s acting or smelling like stale farts.
Or having stupid hair. Robert Pattinson excels at that. However, there’s one area of Robert Pattinson’s life that remains unfulfilled – his music. Sure, a song of his was included on the Twilight soundtrack, but that’s no mark of success – the soundtrack also included Linkin Park and two Paramore songs, so anyone who actually bought it deserves to have their brain kicked off.
So Robert Pattinson has devised a plan. He wants to release an album under an assumed name so it can stand on its own merits. Just one problem – that assumed name is going to be Edward Cullen (You Know, Off Twilight. The Handsome One. The Sparkly Vampire. Please Love Me). Probably.
If we had to pick the greatest album of all time, we’d have to say it was Other Ways Of Speaking by Russell Crowe and 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts. Man, hardly a day goes by when we don’t play that record, unless of course we’re too busy playing Minnie Driver‘s album or The Greatest Hits of Bruce Willis or Songs From The Crystal Cave by Steven Seagal. But maybe we’ll have to stop playing those albums soon, because Robert Pattinson now reportedly wants to release an album, and that’s bound to become the greatest album ever released by an actor. Ever.
However, it won’t be quite that easy, because Robert Pattinson wants to release his album anonymously. Metro reports:
The 23-year-old says he once dreamed of crooning in pubs but his fame has now scuppered those ideas. So R-Patz plans to go undercover with his music instead. ‘If the record is released one day, my picture won’t be on the cover. No one would listen to it,’ he said.
If Robert Pattinson does decide to embark on an anonymous music career, you can guarantee that it won’t stay anonymous for very long. That’s not because his fans are so ravenous that they’ll uncover his identity in a matter of seconds, it’s because celebrities tend to be too vain to keep their side projects secret for very long.
Paul McCartney sometimes releases secret albums as The Fireman – and that’s something that he’ll never discuss. Unless he’s doing an interview, of course, in which case he’ll keep tangentially banging on about fires and hoses and helmets and dalmatians and the movie Ladder 49 until everyone dies of boredom. Similarly, Daniel Radcliffe publishes poetry under a top-secret alias that he managed to keep quiet for about three seconds before blabbing it to the world because he just wants people to love him.
But we’re sure that Robert Pattinson’s album will be different. If you can’t wait for it to be released by the way, why not do the next best thing and hang out near that crazy old homeless man who stands in the doorway of River Island belting out off-kilter Showaddywaddy hits on a battered old three-string guitar. He might not sound anything like Robert Pattinson, admittedly, but at least it’ll smell quite accurate.