Robert Pattinson Wants To Release A Smelly Smelly Album

Robert Pattinson, New Moon, Twilight, Robert Pattinson music, Robert Pattinson songsRobert Pattinson likes to succeed at everything he does, whether it’s acting or smelling like stale farts.

Or having stupid hair. Robert Pattinson excels at that. However, there’s one area of Robert Pattinson’s life that remains unfulfilled – his music. Sure, a song of his was included on the Twilight soundtrack, but that’s no mark of success – the soundtrack also included Linkin Park and two Paramore songs, so anyone who actually bought it deserves to have their brain kicked off.

So Robert Pattinson has devised a plan. He wants to release an album under an assumed name so it can stand on its own merits. Just one problem – that assumed name is going to be Edward Cullen (You Know, Off Twilight. The Handsome One. The Sparkly Vampire. Please Love Me). Probably.

If we had to pick the greatest album of all time, we’d have to say it was Other Ways Of Speaking by Russell Crowe and 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts. Man, hardly a day goes by when we don’t play that record, unless of course we’re too busy playing Minnie Driver‘s album or The Greatest Hits of Bruce Willis or Songs From The Crystal Cave by Steven Seagal. But maybe we’ll have to stop playing those albums soon, because Robert Pattinson now reportedly wants to release an album, and that’s bound to become the greatest album ever released by an actor. Ever.

However, it won’t be quite that easy, because Robert Pattinson wants to release his album anonymously. Metro reports:

The 23-year-old says he once dreamed of crooning in pubs but his fame has now scuppered those ideas. So R-Patz plans to go undercover with his music instead. ?If the record is released one day, my picture won?t be on the cover. No one would listen to it,? he said.

If Robert Pattinson does decide to embark on an anonymous music career, you can guarantee that it won’t stay anonymous for very long. That’s not because his fans are so ravenous that they’ll uncover his identity in a matter of seconds, it’s because celebrities tend to be too vain to keep their side projects secret for very long.

Paul McCartney sometimes releases secret albums as The Fireman – and that’s something that he’ll never discuss. Unless he’s doing an interview, of course, in which case he’ll keep tangentially banging on about fires and hoses and helmets and dalmatians and the movie Ladder 49 until everyone dies of boredom. Similarly, Daniel Radcliffe publishes poetry under a top-secret alias that he managed to keep quiet for about three seconds before blabbing it to the world because he just wants people to love him.

But we’re sure that Robert Pattinson’s album will be different. If you can’t wait for it to be released by the way, why not do the next best thing and hang out near that crazy old homeless man who stands in the doorway of River Island belting out off-kilter Showaddywaddy hits on a battered old three-string guitar. He might not sound anything like Robert Pattinson, admittedly, but at least it’ll smell quite accurate.

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  1. Chris says

    Robert’s actually really talented though and not like those other actors wanting to be singers. Right now, I actually think he’s a more brilliant musician and singer than he’s a actor and you should know I think he’s a lovely actor. I still can’t believe someone so beautiful and humble is also so talented. The universe is not fair.

  2. Kellie says

    Dan Radcliffe only mentioned the poetry in one interview this year, when it has been publushed since 2007… He just mentioned that he had some poetry printed in a magazine a while ago.. and then people did their own detective work and figured out the name (admitedly… it wasn’t hard… His middle name and a version of his mum’s last name..)But he didnt go round blabbing as soon as it had been done!! lol

  3. Amanda says

    He’s just mad because he lives in his mom’s basement and has nothing better to do than post stuff about guys far better looking than him and wonder why he is alone and why guys as wonderful as Robert Pattinson gets all the girls and he is alone. Good luck with that thing you call life!

  4. JoeMomma says

    Did you pee yourself while writing this? If so please send me your panties so I can sell them on ebay.

  5. just me says

    wow it’s an old bad-smelling joke from one idiot , nobody gonna buy it now. so much envy! Robert is sparking whatever he does. and about “stupid hair” haha…i”m ready to see your photo just to compare..

  6. just me says

    oh yea! now i see your picture…i definitely understand where you come from. but don’t worry. girls love not only hot and beautiful guys, you will find you true love!.

  7. Jack says

    “post stuff about guys far better looking than him”

    Robert Pattinson is good looking? Even Willem Dafoe would laugh at that.

  8. LitNerd says

    Please do me the honor of allowing me to be condescending for a moment, ladies (my smarty pants nature won’t allow me to just sit back and laugh). I realize this may be a stretch, but bear with me. Could it be possible that people can disagree with you and not be a loser? I’ll give you a second to come to terms with that possibility. I understand that this might be a mind-blowing idea for you………. It’s pop culture, boys and girls. Translation: completely unimportant. Chill out. Stop for a second and actually take a look at what you’re reading. It’s quite witty and amusing. If that’s too much thinking for you, there’s a story you should hear. It’s about a pot and a kettle. I’ll tell it to you someday. You know, when you’re old enough to leave the house without mom’s permission and spend a lot less time on the internet defending the honor of your favorite celebrities. Until then, be content in the knowledge that your room is upstairs, not in the basement.

    (P.S.: I’m assuming you’re chicks because you haven’t pulled off b**chy half as well as any self-respecting gay man (and a straight man wouldn’t care). Work on that for next time, sweeties.)