September is the month when hopeful nobodies dream of being the next Matthew Fox or Eva Longoria.  This season there are some new faces staring down the precipice preparing for instant fame or instant coffee.  Could the six Friends have known their fate when the pilot aired?  One of them did – but that was later with the spin off.  

There are some key things to look out for that might help the success of a new show: A familiar face – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey.  A familiar crew – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey.  An established audience – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey. You can see where we’re going here. Clearly, there is no science to what is popular and what is not.  

However, Twentieth Century Fox’s new musical Glee has been picked up for a full season after only two episodes.

“Musical”, I hear you groan! If it’s a comfort to you I am not a musical fan and even heavily dislike the film Grease.  I would go so far as to say that I prefer the sequel – inventively titled Grease 2.

For most people, watching musicals is probably about as entertaining as listening to someone learning Letzebuergesch at the bottom of a well. So imagine my relief to find that this new series is for adults and appears to be actually funny, entertaining and a little bit dark.  It may even contain scenes of a leathery nature for you Grease/Formula One fans.

The series follows a teacher (Matthew Morrison) who, with the help of some geeks and freaks, tries to save a High School Glee Club (basically a musical group) from going under. Unfortunately an evil cheerleading coach (Jane Lynch) is out to sabotage their musical endeavours.

And while that might sound awful, the show is from the creator of Nip/Tuck, so no doubt it will pack some punches, or at least a sexy rubber doll. Fox also has a pretty good reputation and is responsible for shows such as 24, House and the ever-popular I started this but don’t know how to end it series, Lost.

Let’s face it – only Family Guy the Musical would get the ratings Fox are gunning for. But hopefully this is something to distract the world from High School Musical (which none of us have secretly seen). 

To inspire us and to show good musicals exists I shall now quote Grease 2. Ahem… 

“We’re going to die and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear!”

Yeah, actually, I really wouldn’t recommend the sequel.

The man is just running out of options. Apart from one – it’s been reported that Michael Jackson is putting together a big-budget Mamma Mia-style musical based on his album Thriller. The Thriller musical is thought to be based on the video to the album’s eponymous single, featuring legions of grotesque undead cadavers who terrify you witless the second you glance at them.

Goodness, we didn’t know that Michael Jackson was going to be starring in it as well.

Mamma Mia has a lot to answer for, doesn’t it? Simply by plopping a load of Abba songs together around a painfully contrived storyline and presenting it in a way that appeals to both hen-parties and people who like things that aren’t good, Mamma Mia has become a global sensation and, more importantly, inspired other acts to copy the formula.

So far there have been musicals based on the songs of Madness, Queen, Take That, The Proclaimers and – hopefully in the very near future – the album The Moment by Kenny G. But there’s one artist with a catalogue that’s crying out to be turned into a musical. And that artist is Michael Jackson.

We’re not saying that because we think that Michael Jackson’s songs would make for a good musical, mind you – we’re just saying that the poor chap probably needs the cash at the moment. In recent months Michael Jackson has been forced to sell his home, become the target of a lawsuit from the world’s angriest sheikh and has reportedly developed lungs the size of peanuts that could do him in at any minute.

So this news couldn’t have come at a better time – apparently Michael Jackson is putting together a stage musical based on his album Thriller.

Now, the more eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that there’s already a London musical based on the music of Thriller, but it hasn’t been sanctioned by Michael himself. This new musical will be completely official and creatively masterminded by Michael Jackson, so it’ll probably feature an extended mid-section where the audience is forced to stand up and salute a big picture of Michael Jackson nailed to a cross like Jesus and crying tears that spell the words ‘Love me’ in a puddle underneath him. Anyway, BBC News reports:

[Producer] Mr Nederlander’s organisation said the Broadway production “will be the exclusive Michael Jackson authorised version of Thriller.” The show is expected to be based around the video for Thriller, which was first shown in 1983 and starred Jackson as a werewolf and featured dancing zombies. No details of the musical have yet been revealed.

Now, look, don’t get too excited about this – for all we know, this Thriller musical could go the same way as other proposed Michael Jackson endeavours of late, like the charity singles and the comeback albums and the 50ft laser-eyed Michael Jackson robot that was going to prowl around the Las Vegas desert at night. The absence of that last one stings most of all, you know.

But who knows, maybe this Thriller musical will be a huge success. Let’s hope so, because it could mean that Michael Jackson will go onto adapt his other albums to the musical form, too – like Bad, a musical about a man who is bad. Or Dangerous, a musical about a man who is dangerous. Or Invincible, a musical that nobody will go and see because all the songs in it are donkey bobbins.

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With the first one, Elton John really conveyed the majesty of the African Pride Lands. In the second he managed to capture the frustration of living in the north of England under Margaret Thatcher beyond compare, and the final one – well, let’s just say that there has never been a more hilarious, dance-in-the-aisle musical ever written about Ben Stiller getting AIDS.

No, really. Elton John’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller getting AIDS. To be fair, it’s too early to say if the Stiller/John AIDS musical will be the funniest AIDS musical ever made – we hear that Billy Joel’s adapting Philadelphia into a showstopping musical for Jim Carrey, and the song Bumming A Man At The Cinema is supposed to be particularly rib-tickling.

There’s nothing that Elton John can’t do. Nothing. Well, OK, nothing apart from grow his own hair, see properly or react to criticism in a fair and balanced way, but apart from that, Elton John is golden.

He’s a modern-day Renaissance man is what he is – he’s been the chairmen of a football club, the composer of hits like Crocodile Rock, slightly misguided political campaigner and the Elton John-branded smelly candles really are second to none.

But where Elton John arguably shines the brightest is in the world of musicals. The Lion King was the highest-grossing animated movie for several years – not to mention its extended run as a stage musical – Billy Elliot was a similar success and Lestat was… well, The Lion King and Billy Elliot were very good.

And now comes Elton John’s greatest challenge yet – he’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller catching AIDS. And it’s very funny. All right? According to MSNBC, Elton John told GQ:

He’s “got to try and write a film musical for Ben Stiller,” which is, “about a guy on Broadway who is gay, has HIV and AIDS, and has to go back and face his wife and his kids that he left. It’s very funny.” “It wasn’t sounding funny, so far…” his interviewer replied. “No, it’s very funny,” John responded. “The premise doesn’t sound funny, but it is. All right?”

From this snippet of conversation, if any of it is true, it looks like Ben Stiller’s going to try and out-offend everyone who was upset by Tropic Thunder – his most recent film which angered protesters by featuring a man in blackface and a comedy retard. And, to be fair, a musical about a gay man dying of AIDS does sound like it’d be more offensive than Tropic Thunder, at least on paper. But we wouldn’t be too sure.

After all, Tropic Thunder starred Tom Cruise. You can’t get much more offensive than that.

With riveting daily appearances of the couple leaving some restaurant, and David modeling undies on banners that are so huge you can actually see his junk from space, it’s no wonder the world in obsessed with the Becks.

Luckily, Ireland has come to provide us with more Beckham madness. A Posh and Becks musical is coming to Dublin. Yes, two straight hours of a man unsuccessfully trying to feed a crouton to a broomstick is finally a reality!

David and Victoria Beckham are rather perplexing. It may be because we still harbour a deep grievance because our alter ego, Greasy Spice, wasn’t selected to be part of the Spice Girls, but it doesn’t make sense that a couple famous for being photographed leaving restaurants, walking hand in hand like two impeccably dressed zombies are such a phenomenon.

Sure, David probably wishes his popularity would invigorate interest in football in the US instead of being known for having a wife that looks like a fashionable Skeletor with breast implants, but he's popular nonetheless.

The Beckhams are like a runaway freight train you’d throw your gran in front of if you believed she could stop it. But since she probably won’t, the next logical thing is to make a musical about the couple called MacBecks, which is scheduled to open in January 2009 in Dublin. 

Okay, so the idea of a musical about David and Victoria Beckham isn’t quite as painfully disabling once a few more details are unearthed. It’s going to be a satirical mix of comedy, song, headlines about the couple, and bit of plays by William Shakespeare, including Romeo and Juliet, King Lear and, obviously, Macbeth. So, to clarify, as long as stuff is being mocked, we're all good.

Reportedly, Posh’s character will be ambitious like Lady Macbeth, whose husband will sacrifice his career for her. No report on if a Tom Cruise character will step in and encourage David’s character to relocate to a new continent where David’s fame will turn out to be over-estimated in its ability to get people interested in a sport they’re not interested in.

Sadly, it doesn’t look as though Posh’s character will be played by Posh herself, but a mop is said to be on the verge of securing the role. Luckily for the mop, Katie Holmes is already signed on for another Broadway play, eliminating the mop’s fiercest competition.

What’s that? Speed Racer wasn’t a frenzied success? Speed Racer has actually been one of the most spectacularly unmitigated disasters in recent box office years? Oh well, The Weinstein Co. wants to make a movie based on Fraggle Rock anyway.

Yes, you heard right – Fraggle Rock, the TV show that defined your childhood almost as much as wetting the bed and the emotional scars gained during your parent’s bitter divorce, is going to be turned into a movie. But not just any kind of movie - Fraggle Rock is going to become a musical, which is like a normal movie, except it’s for pricks.

Quickly, think of a TV show you enjoyed as a child. Easy, huh? Now think of a TV show you enjoyed as a child that hasn’t been turned into a memory-destroying shithawk Hollywood movie by a turd of a studio executive hell-bent on getting rich from raping your childhood. That’s a little more tricky, isn’t it.

We’re thinking of Transformers primarily here, but not much else is safe. There’s going to be a Voltron movie. There’s apparently going to be a He-Man movie. And a Thundercats movie. And a GI Joe movie. And a Tintin movie. And now, inevitably, a Fraggle Rock movie as well.

It’s been announced that The Weinstein Co. – responsible for gems like Factory Girl, Hannibal Rising and Who’s Your Caddy? – is going to make a live action musical out of Fraggle Rock, the story of some hippy puppets that live underground, eat scaffolding made from radish and occasionally talk to a compost heap.

It had quite a good theme tune, containing several words that you could change to ‘cock’ if you were six years old. Variety reports:

The Weinstein Co. will turn the Jim Henson series “Fraggle Rock” into a live-action musical feature. Cory Edwards, who directed the animated “Hoodwinked!” for TWC, will helm the picture and write the screenplay. The Jim Henson Co. will produce and TWC will distribute. Pic will take the core characters Gogo, Wembley, Mokey, Boober and Red outside of their home in Fraggle Rock, where they interact with humans, which they think are aliens.

So, basically, the Fraggle Rock movie will be the same as a regular episode of Fraggle Rock, except it’ll be three times longer, set in an awkwardly unfamiliar location, directed by the man who made the creepy Little Red Riding Hood movie that looked like it was put together with a badly-wired Amiga 500, and will have to grind to a halt every three or four minutes so that we can listen to some puppets singing a song about how everyone is special. We can’t see how it can fail.

But at least this Fraggle Rock movie marks the very last TV show from our childhood to be cynically turned into a nostalgia-gorging movie.

There’s nothing else to remake after that. Well, apart from Bodger And Badger – and whoever owns the rights to that is going to be a very rich man when Michael Bay comes knocking with his plans to turn Badger into a firebreathing robot from the future.

Read more:

Weinsteins roll with ‘Fraggle Rock’ – Variety

Just look at Nicole Richie, for example. For some logic-defying reason, she's currently weighing up an offer to star as Roxie Hart in the Broadway version of Chicago.

It'd be awfully presumptuous of us to try and second-guess what issues Nicole Richie is weighing up exactly, but we're willing to bet that they include rehearsal schedules, being able to spend time with her new baby and the fact that if she was any less talented at anything other than forgetting to eat she'd be legally reclassified as vegetation.

We might be stretching it a bit here, but it looks a lot like Nicole Richie has the beginnings of a Brooke Shields infatuation. Look at the evidence – Brooke Shields had a baby and Nicole Richie had a baby. Brooke Shields infuriated Tom Cruise and Nicole Richie infuriated Tom Cruise by driving backwards up a motorway and not crashing, thereby depriving him of being in a situation that only he can handle. And, crucially, Brooke Shields has been in Chicago.

Actually, come to think of it, that's a rubbish excuse for an infatuation. That'd be like suggesting that Nicole Richie had an infatuation for Kelly Osbourne or Claire Sweeney, when everyone knows that the closest anyone's ever come to being infatuated with Claire Sweeney is her own mother, and even then things peaked with mild, distant affection.

Anyway, we're missing our own point here. Our point is that Nicole Richie – a woman with no discernible skills other than being quite skinny and driving like a drug-addled bastard – is apparently entertaining the idea of starring in Chicago. The Daily Dish reports:

Reality TV star Nicole Richie reportedly is set to relaunch her post-pregnancy career by taking to the Broadway stage and starring in the hit musical "Chicago." Richie, who gave birth to daughter Harlow last month, is tipped to follow in the footsteps of Ashlee Simpson, Brooke Shields and Renee Zellweger as the latest big name Roxie Hart in the show… An insider tells Us Weekly magazine, "Nicole's definitely interested and is weighing it out."

Weird to think that the Chicago producers want to cast Nicole Richie when there are other young women with more music and acting experience out there. We're basically talking about Paris Hilton.

But let's not dismiss Nicole Richie's Chicago role before she's even accepted it. Needless to say the role of Roxie Hart will need to be subtly recalibrated to suit Nicole Richie's strengths – but so long as the audience accepts a Roxie Hart who, rather than being a calculating convict responsible for belting out showstoppers like All That Jazz and Funny Honey, is a scrawny fool who bumbles about and sings a song called OMG, Paris Is Such A Bitch, we're sure Nicole will do fine.

And if not she can always get a role as a prison cell bar.

Read more:

Richie Set For Broadway? – Daily Dish 

We heard that after she eats you, her body turns you into a cyst. We really heard that. We think we really heard that. We may have heard it.

Now if you'd like to share in that experience without actually needing CPR and cyst-reversal surgery afterwards, we have good news for that too. Steven King and John Mellencamp have teamed up to write a musical. It's called Naomi Campbell's Raging Cyst.

It's not called Naomi Campbell's Raging Cyst.
In the oddest pairing since Brandon and Brenda Walsh had a dyslexic 90210 baby (that was a subplot in season two, wasn't it?), Steven King and John Mellencamp have gotten together to make a child of their own.

A musical child. Sorry  – no homosexual genetic break-throughs here. The two have written a musical. It's called Ghost Brothers of Darkland County, and Billboard lets loose with some details:

"Mellencamp wrote the score, while King wrote the script. Mellencamp previously said the play, which is set in Lake Belle Reve, Miss., in 1957, is about "two brothers; they're 19 years old or 20, maybe 18 or 21, who are very competitive and dislike each other immensely. The father takes them to the family vacation place, a cabin that the boys hadn't been to since they were kids. What has happened is that the father had two older brothers who hated each other and killed each other in that cabin," he continued. "There's a confederacy of ghosts who also live in this house. The older [dead] brothers are there, and they speak to the audience, and they sing to the audience."

Makes you think, doesn't it? If intense sibling rivalry leads to an eternal hell of being stuck day in and day out in an Atlanta based musical, then we've got some bridges to mend. Bruce – we're so sorry we whipped you with a cat-o-nine tails while you were just trying to protect those kittens. Tina – you are not the stankest ho on a planet made of stank. Alonzo – sorry we made your eye droop.

Step-siblings – we stand by our words, and we stand by our actions.

Read More:

King, Mellencamp Team for Musical – Entertainment Weekly

Warning: Sweeney Todd is a musical. That’s not breaking news we know, but there are some people out there that are picking themselves up off the floor following that revelation.  

The Guardian reports that there were inadequate warnings that singing took place in Tim Burton’s latest edition. “It resembles a vintage Tim Burton movie, but nowhere does the trailer mention the fact that Sweeney Todd is a musical. In fact, it goes out of its way to conceal the fact that the movie is entirely sung, save for a few snippets of dialogue.”

Despite the 30 year history of the musical Sweeney Todd (first opened on Broadway in 1979) numerous re-makes, magazine and newspaper articles, not to mention the full-length trailer where Johnny Depp breaks into song, people have been walking out of cinemas in their droves. The film now faces potential investigation by the Advertising Standards Authority following numerous complaints.

So maybe the original promo trailer failed to mention that it was a musical, so what? Clearly the advertising agency responsible is cleverer than your average Joe and Joanne. They knew that there would be sceptics out there who didn’t want to re-live the likes of Dr Doolittle, so they initially kept it quiet. Unfortunately there now appears to be hoards of people seeking revenge and something tells us they aren’t singing “I must have vengeance!”

The fact that people walked out of this film because they were unaware is disturbing for 27 reasons, three of which shall be listed here. One, this isn’t High School Musical, this is Tim Burton. Two, it’s a two-hour film, not a surprise week at Butlins. Three, this is Johnny Depp singing, it’s essentially Edward Scissorhands breaking into song. Do people have no taste?

There are bigger things in Sweeney Todd to be concerned about than the fact it’s a musical.

For example, maybe the Advertising Standards Authority should investigate how it makes you want to eat one of the meat pies, let’s face it – cannibalism never looked so good. Or maybe the fact that Burton is giving Tarantino a run for his money on the blood stakes by showing innocent punters having their Adam’s Apples sliced open.   

Sweeney Todd shouldn’t be shaved down to just a musical because it is also a great film with a strong script and a stellar cast. You certainly don’t have to be a “oh, well-oh, well-oh, well-oh, uh!” kind of person to enjoy it. Clearly it is the supposed deception that is upsetting the masses. To be fair the public have been deceived a lot of over years, first Weapons of Mass Destruction and now Sweeney Todd.   

For those of you that left the cinema disgruntled, at least now you know that the film is in fact a musical. So ‘drove’ back to the cinema, get a hot toddy and settle down, the music is about to start.

Read more:

What the Sweeney Todd Trailer failed to tell us about the film - Guardian 

[story by Gemma Addy]