Canada’s shame – Justin Bieber – has spoken of his desire to play the part of Oliver Twist as they share a common heritage. In addition to this, they also share the common trait of being easily led into money that comes around all too easily as the result of singing a few dreary,? saccharine tunes that they didn’t actually write.
Young Justin Haircut’s dream to play the rags-to-riches runt can be traced back to being laughed out of Selena Gomez’s trailer after crawling towards her sighing “Please miss, I want some more.”
Unfortunately for Bieber, no-one on Earth can actually believe that he’s ever read the source material for Lionel Bart’s? “classic” Oliver! Sources close to the star who, like most newspapers, we’ve made up claim that Bieber refuses to go to sleep unless someone reads the novelisation of ‘She’s All That’ to him every night but nothing has been conclusively proven yet.
Libraries up and down Britain have reported that copies of the Dickens classic Oliver Twist which has been dramatised and adapted on numerous occasions have been seen trying to set themselves on fire in anticipation of another screen adaptation starring a doe-eyed, gooey idiot.
In an interview with The Sun, who appear to have a direct line to Bieber, probably through some kind of massive, novelty red phone, he said of his upbringing in a Canadian council flat:
“That place was really dirty. We had mousetraps everywhere because there were mouses – uh, mice – in the house.”
Yes. Justin Bieber thinks mice are called ‘mouses’. We almost did a whole article on that.
“I didn’t have a real bed. I slept on a blue pull-out couch in my room. We didn’t have anything in the fridge, except maybe luncheon meat for school and macaroni and cheese. I’d love to play Oliver Twist.”
Oliver Twist. An orphan who lived in a work house and ate gruel under the draconian “Poor Law” before running away and getting involved with a “lovable” gang of pick-pockets, a violent drunk and a paedophile. Yes, the similarities between the fictional Twist and the seemingly equally fictional Bieber are almost too obvious to be ignored.
Naturally, Oliver came good in the end as Bieber has, becoming a super-rich, in-demand popstar. Of course in the conclusion of Oliver Twist (not the musical) most of the people that had wronged him were either shown the error of their ways, hanged or maimed in preposterous circumstances. Perhaps Bieber and his army of Beliebers will be hoping that the same fate will befall the hecklerspray team.
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