Coldplay are doing a song with Rihanna, Coldplay are doing a song with Rihanna, Coldplay are doing a song with Rihanna, Coldplay are… oh you get the point, but how exciting is that?  It’s undoubtedly going to be the best track of the past twenty years and will appeal to every human on earth because, well, how can it not?

Have you heard a song by either Coldplay or Rihanna recently,  just think about that for a second and when you’ve recovered look outside and say, “Hurricane what?”

While you’re stuck inside until the 24^th of October waiting for the worst titled album the Bono School of Charity Rock has ever released and you’re trying not to get snapped like a twig in your now wishy-washy coastal town then why not look at some of these musical videos while nestled in your duvet drinking hot chocolate, it’s what we’re doing.*

Everybody’s favourite half of the most credible pseudo novelty act around has just released a cheap new video for his second track before doing a solo tour. In his first solo video Scroobius Pip shaved his hair off and cut his iconic beard and now we’ll never know if it was true because the sanctimonious misanthrope has only gone replaced himself with a tattooed lady. In fact there are three ladies here, the other two representing P.O.S and Sage Francis, they are all terrible actors.  Or, maybe it’s the cheap looking video, but hey fella’s got a budget to stick to.  The song’s good though, plus he’s lovely and political and all that other stuff you vacuous idiots enjoy.

Sticking with the rap thing we’ve started, let’s move swiftly from clever to ironic parody and look at the new Das Racist video for ‘Michael Jackson’.

Look at them, just look at those three, they have no idea what they are doing and yet somehow they manage to make a video that is a perfectly acceptable level of tacky and crass. It looks a bit like a toddler’s toy box was sick on a green screen and then Das Racist rubbed it on themselves while filming the results.  For a group who founded their career on mockery it makes perfect sense that they have a song about MJ that simultaneously rips the rug out from under the feet of politics, religion, commerce, defence, and pop culture.  It’s just what they do.

Okay.  Now is the time for your to get in your duvet because the next video is the best thing we have witnessed in about ten minutes and it’s going to stay that way for at least another twenty while we hate ourselves for not having bothered to jump on the Los Campesinos! bandwagon sooner.  There video for ‘By Your Hand’ features E.T, lots of cats, a horde of…

…s that aren’t even Barbie, but probably Cindy, Polly, and Shelley, her male counterparts action man, Ken, G.I Joe, and lonely Ginger doll are also present.  Its brain curdlingley twee and even while someone is gently hammering a nail through their steak aorta it’s hugging your heart like that Red or Black contestant is his money.  If you don’t feel just a little bit happier after seeing this then the number for Samaritans is at the bottom, but you should probably just give up anyway.  If music videos were items of clothing then this would be a woolly jumper. Treasure it.

If the sub-zero/tropical climate outside has not subsided yet then call yourself a meteorologist because we’re going home, you can’t rely on music videos forever you junkie. Besides it’s like October 24th in just over a month and we have to prepare ourselves.

*Really we’re still thinking about ‘Princess Of China’ (Google it.)

As promised here are the numbers for Samaritans:

UK: 08457 90 90 90*

ROI: 1850 60 90 90*

Do the right thing.

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We’re fairly sure something ‘big’ has happened this week, but remembering what that is, is killing us. It may have in fact just been the Mercury Music Prize, but we lost interest in that the second that feather-headed, bed sheet wearing, double barrel named, ‘artist’ won.

No, news has happened this week right? Is Gaddafi doing things involving fleeing national hate campaigns? Did someone die?  People are always dying; someone must have gone and bought some brown bread. The world has basically plodded along all week, even the BBC has had to stoop to stories about calorie counting and Strictly Come Dancing while The Sun has run the story about a ‘thug’ winning money on a programme based around the concept of colour so many times that they have run out of puns; literally a giant tumbleweed is blowing across the earth.

There is music to digest however.

These serene and peaceful times are however, likely to be a publicity stunt for the new Sigur Ros video.

‘Klippa’ isn’t so much a song as the faintest hint of musical accompaniment to a short film which is squarely modern and undoubtedly reflects the frailty of life in the 21^st century.  The Sarah Hopper directed clip, despite lacking in any live material, is thought to be promo for their new release Inni.  From a band who don’t have the word ‘hate’ never mind ‘war’ in their vocabulary, you can watch some people dance slowly through a thinly veiled veil as others cut fabric, iron fabric, wear fabric, and other fabric based tomfoolery. Look it’s not even on Youtube the poncy Icelandic…we can’t even be rude to them, they propel insults.

Klippa from Sigur Rós on Vimeo.

In these desolate days the world have been severely lacking a dance bands take on the economic crisis. Finally, about eight years after we called for it, Justice have only gone and bloody done it with their new track ‘Audio, Video, Disco’.  The song itself might not tackle the issue head on, though it’s right there in the name of the song that was so head-on they named it thrice. The video is where the cheap Parisian (they’re from France i.e. Paris) noise makers get to the heart of the matter. They have made a video in the recording studio that they use for their Audio and while they are there they have a Christmas tree whose lights serve as a Disco. Do you see what they did the smug gits?  They aren’t wearing stripes, they don’t have bread, cheese, garlic, or wine, and they aren’t smoking, but they do all look a little bit like Serge from Kasabian, so there’s that.

Now, we don’t know who Eat More Cake is and we don’t like his music very much, but his brand message really reaches out and fills that void in your stomach, so you should probably get on that.  You didn’t even know you had that hunger inside did you? Not until you saw what Eat More Cake had to offer and that’s why we’re giving him this free publicity.  His new video for ‘Smoke and Mirrors’ is what you could call low-budget and we just did.  It does nothing other than heavily feature libraries and the use of stop motion and there isn’t even a witty line about how libraries are just an illusion, or something, like smoke and mirrors, you know?  It’s what we expect from artists who try to be like Mike Skinner and we won’t be satisfied until we get it. Sort it out by Eating More Cake.

The problem with the new Snow Patrol song is that it’s 4 minutes and 25 seconds too long; even for your dad, or increasingly middle aged older brother.  While Gary Lightbody might be upset about not being in Elbow it means that his band have successfully travelled into the future before Guy Garvey and co by grasping the concept of meta, point and case. Yes their new music video isn’t just a music video, it’s actually about Snow Patrol making a music video for their new song ‘Called Out in the Dark’ and if you thought it couldn’t possibly get better then you are very much mistaken, it stars Jack Davenport.  If you’re a 15 year old then he’s the nasty one trying to stop Jack Sparrow in the franchise about the quirky pirates, if you’re a bitter 22 year old with only one functioning Kidney then he’s Steve from Coupling; either way we all regret what has to happen in a man’s life for him to win a Gary Lightbody lookalike contest.  Snow Patrol get it right in the end by wheeling out the young folk in their knackers.

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After a massive two week hiatus from informing you about the ever ridiculous world of moving musical pictures we thought we’d make a slamming come back with a hard hitting new story on the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards, known to you acronym friendly internet users as the VMAs.

A weekend of vodka and bacon sandwiches has however taken its toll and we can’t confirm or deny that we informed you about the nominees, but obviously the usual suspects are to blame for hate crimes against your eyes; Bruno Mars and Katy Perry being some of the main perpetrators of the attacks that took place.

If you’re familiar with awards ceremonies then you will be aware that this doesn’t quite make the grade, if you’re a conspiracy nut and want some proof then we direct you to the category of ‘Best Video with a Message’ where everybody is a winner in their own hearts; which is good because they are all utter rejects in reality. You have nothing to learn from a hick like Taylor Swift. Hilary Duff already taught us about why saying ‘gay’ is bad and that was empowering enough, but an entire category makes our faces sag.

After the whole Kanye debacle of 2010, nothing of note happened this year and it was actually all about the music or something. Jonah Hill hosted the event dressed as the skinny version of himself; shame that when he lost the weight he lost his personality.

Adele turned up as her grandmother, Lady ‘fast running out of quirky things to do now’ Gaga turned up as her male alter-ego Jo Calderone, Beyonce touched her stomach indicating pregnancy, Jay-Z shat himself, and Bruno Mars sang a song by once popular band The Zutons as a tribute to Amy Winehouse. Along the way a bunch of people you no longer care about (hey Jojo!) turned up wearing clothes by somebody you’ve never heard of and had a really rubbish evening.

Being the on-the-ball-publication that we are, many of the exquisite videos featured have already been on these pages/used in our senseless persecution of Adele (who won nothing – ha).

Tyler, The Creator’s simple and sophisticatedly grim video for ‘Yonkers’ though did deservedly win the Best New Artist category forcing some rappers and some very, very white people to go home with a little less dignity; poor Kreayshawn, she already had so little.

Bruno Mars didn’t win anything! Tragedy is a foot in the house of Cthullu. His hit single ‘Grenade’ was nominated and he lost out at every occasion. Let’s just all stop a second and take a look a Bruno Mars and his music video. What a defeatist attitude that guy has, huh?

He pushes a piano all that way, past homeless men and cars, then when he gets to this woman’s house and sees that lovely man she’s kissing he just turn that piano right back round. Not even a tinkle; honestly. As well as being the worst video ever made, it’s also impractical – manual labour in that suit and those shoes? Who’s he kidding? We’d like to see that piano attack him with all its might.

Now don’t believe the hype, but as winner of Best Pop Video, Britney Spears is well and truly back at her Pepsi flogging best. She looks healthy and happy and when Britney’s happy, we’re happy. In her award winning video for ‘Till The World Ends’ she throws so many shapes you won’t know what’s hit you. It’s an apocalyptic society that seems to consist only of excellent and attractive dancers, so while you might be dead if this were to actually happen, you can at least get some visceral enjoyment for the four minutes prior to the impending doom of civilisation. Dressed in an array of leather and lycra if Britney tells you to dance until the world ends you bloody well do it.

Eurghlsewhere, Katy Perry won some things for the abysmal ‘Fireworks’, but we won’t make you watch that; it’s too harrowing at any time of day. The damn noise makers already scar numerous children every year we don’t want to be responsible for inflicting extra pain on you, just remember it’s a tough time of year for that type of thing. Gaga also won Best Female Video for ‘Born This Way’ but we don’t doubt you’ve already seen what was an ‘event’ earlier this year, however, we have not and intend to keep it this way, congratulations Jo we send our best man hugs in your direction.

Post-haircut, pre-pubescent Justin Bieber can be seen tormenting girls, stairs, and a piano in his video, sorry film, for ‘U Smile’ which won Best Male Video of the night. The arty video that flits between colour and black and white features Justin taking a girl on a date to an empty auditorium where he then chases her over the chairs like a murderer.

Clearly more people were granted some sort of recognition for these crimes of passion, but we aren’t telling you about them so move on with your lives. If you care so much as to watch the ceremony then VIVA will be ramming it down your stupid box for the next eight months in-between programmes about brand Kardashian and Rihanna videos. We’ll see you there.

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We’re knocking back the £2 sparkling wine and watching the world burn, so excuse anything that is said from here on in, We don’t even condone our own views on a regular day, so just take it all in its stride.

If you’re just popping by to check out some celebrity gossip on your way to ‘hit-up’ the next town centre, then thanks for swinging by and please don’t come back.

We might look nice, but really we make fun of you in our spare time, which is plentiful since you made us lose our jobs at a nice independent shop.

On the other hand if you’re a regular reader of whatever this is, then we apologise for that and also the fact that this comment on the state of music videos is usually very off topic and we thank you for being so loyal. So, ladies, gentleman, and hooded youths here’s a true ballad for you.

Look it’s over six minutes and everything and it’s by one of those cool bands that don’t even have an album out yet.  Also it’s like ironic because the singer is a boy…and they’re called Girls, get it? The longest video in the world features a really shiny American car, a Mustang for you sticklers, and it drives around looking for what appears to be a drug dealer when you eventually see him, yes we have a stereotype! Hello.

If you click this expecting to find a video of Girls vomiting then we’re really very sorry, this has happened to many a fine person. You will though get to hear a lovely song and see a man that looks like, and wishes he was, Kurt Cobain, but isn’t. Not that this is a hindrance, for Girls are a good band.

Apparently other people have released some music videos this week too, but we really don’t see the point after those moody shots of a nice red car, can things ever be that good again?

No, no they can’t, not even for a Mercury Music Prize nominee. Wild Beasts have understandably bleeding hearts, but Ghostpoet needs to sort himself out pronto and prepare to lose to a man called Tinie or a wildebeest called Adele, either way it’s a tough situation for anyone to find themselves in.

His new single ‘Liiines’ is a lovely little number; much like the majority of his work; yet a dull, ridiculously idiotic video makes it much duller than it was ever intended and leaves you feeling hateful towards anyone who is shown painting a room red and then standing in a corner that is left grey.

Just note, for future reference musicians, it’s okay to be creative. If you really want you can watch that one over at this establishment.

Sticking it to the man and you stoopid kids after you burnt down the PIAS Warehouse, is Charlie Simpson who laughs in the face of danger and throws some money around; lucky for you his debut album will still be available very soon.  Unluckily for you we just realised he has already released two singles and we are now going to tell you all about the videos.

First up is ‘Parachutes’ in which Charlie ‘Eyebrows’ Simpson explores his two sides through a sandwich board. His two sides are his ‘people still think I’m in Busted and my life is great’ side and ‘I’m so sad we split up’ side. They are very different sides to an emotionally complex man. It’s actually not a bad video, but since we want to stay cool you can just insert your own –we all hate Charlie for breaking up the band- comment here and we’ll leave it at that yeah? Great.  Oh if you just watch his legs, it makes your face hurt.

After this is ‘Down Down Down’. Here Charlie gives the impression that he is aiming for some sort of genre or ‘style’ but even he is unsure what this is, so he wears a lilac blazer instead and pretends to play the acoustic guitar. It’s in the woods and is a bit like that thing you might have heard of called ‘Folk’, but not really. Do what you want our nights sorted, see you at the gig.

Stupid pop videos. They made our brain melt.

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Is it just us or have music videos had a sudden resurgence since we started writing about them? I mean NME just got a bloody specialist video website…the thunder stealing pixies that they are. We’d do that if we had servers and lackeys and energy and all those other things that make productive people and good business.

Since we have none of the above qualities and only a slight interest in the medium of music videos we’ll just keep wittering on about the recent slew of sewage that VIVA, yes we only have Freeview, and the internet is trying to convince us we like, in-between informing us about the latest crisis affecting Kim Kardashian and her wedding to somebody you have never and will never hear of.

Of course Kim always comes first.

That pesky internet machine has been damning your souls to hell with pr0n and badness for years now, but those who are lovely and poo glitter balls have been obsessed by something else.

That something else is the gimmick of OK Go. Let’s get this clear – they aren’t a band. They are however perfect for the internet because they are just one massive music meme which is horribly, innocently, addictive, leaving us to gawp at yet another “how did they do that?” video.

They don’t just use treadmills any more as they have upgraded to mechanical parts. And dogs. Their new single and video ‘All Is Not Lost’ is a terrible happy-go-lucky song much like all the others they have produced, but nobody cares what you sound like if you can make yourself look like the Windows Media Player visualisations. It’s not their best video, but being dressed head to toe in green lycra easily makes it the scariest. Remind yourself they are just men and you might survive the three minutes of nice-attack coming at you.

Nice Attack.

With much more reason to be moody Wild Beasts croon their way to releasing ‘Bed Of Nails’ as a single all anybody think is, “shame about the Mercury.” It is, it is a shame, but you know boys, no matter how much you groan and swoon at the camera, it’s just too late now. In this state of shock, it appears Wild Beasts decided making a video was too much effort and so just went to the T4 performance area.

Obviously being too pretentious not to, they took their own camera crew and said the words, “make it arty,” queue swooping angles and soft focus. This is dull, ridiculous, and indulgent, everything the band are really. Where the hell is that Mercury? All they have now is Channel 4 which is probably why they all look so depressed in the video. Sorry boys.

Watch it here, or don’t.

Back with more summer fun are The Drums with the first single from their new album ‘Money’.  It must be part of their deal that they can only release music in summer which is fair enough since it’s jangly demeanour is so suited to the season. If you haven’t heard of The Drums it’s because you listen to Vampire Weekend instead and are mainstream and all that generic conformist stuff that arseholes like us moan about on nights out as we reel of lists of bands you should own the Japanese imports of. The Drums are Vampire Weekend for people that think 4/4 time is a joke. Just look at their video; it has religious symbolism, guns, murderous stares, and a man that isn’t Morrissey. What more do you need to hear? Obviously it’s great, but we would say that.

You can see how it all pans out here.

Arguments happen every day and most people don’t enjoy them so it’s nice that we can all unite on one thing; how truly sickening Kasabian and even the collective thought of them are. Even as individual people, we can all still agree that they are the worst humans alive on the planet at any one time.

Apparently God does hate us that much.  It was our displeasure then to hear they had released a new ‘song’, but things went from bad to worse when we saw it was called ‘Switchblade Smiles’. Then something unprecedented happened. Something you could never anticipate or comprehend…Kasabian got worse. They didn’t just get worse though, no, Kasabian went Nu-Metal. It’s the funniest thing you have witnessed since ‘Club Foot’ sucked every ounce of happiness you had from your life; nice of them to give something back. If you want some joy or to see what happens when a group of terrible people decide to make a rubbish version of Refused’s video for ‘New Noise’ then please indulge yourself for hours and then smash your skull in.

It’s horrible, it’s horrible, it’s horrible.

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The VMA’s were announced recently and they weren’t very good, so MTV promptly arranged for the news to continue playing its greatest hits. While the world continues to spiral out of control, as we get ever nearer to the day of reckoning, we thought we would burn your eyes with some terrible videos that MTV didn’t think it right to recognise.

But what would they know? They don’t even play music videos and we do, so listen to us and be rewarded with luxuriously attractive eye candy.

This week we tackle Hip-Hop, Punk, Indie, and Indie because we know how much you hate yourself.

First up it’s Cerebral Ballzy who offer neither of what they promise in their name. While they attempt to inject some sort of aggression from their nether regions, they don’t even pretend to use their heads. Is this punk? It’s hard to tell, but we imagine this is what The Sex Pistols would sound like if they had a comeback now.

This isn’t a bad song [if it sounds like the Sex Pistols, it is - Ed] it’s just of absolutely no value to anybody – not even fans of Cerebral Ballzy. The song in question is ‘Cutting Class’ from their debut album and, potentially you could interpret it as a quiet rant about the class system which is still so inherent within our society… or you could watch the video and realise it’s just a snot-nosed little rat moaning about school by repetitively telling us he’s cutting class.

Ground-breaking stuff brought to us by a child who looks like he has a hippo stuck on his face; it really isn’t helping his situation that he sticks his face so far into the camera you could trim his nose hair for him. If he tried any harder to be Sid Vicious he’d end up stabbing himself.

See the death of punk rock here

If there was ever an argument that smoking wasn’t cool then Tom Vek just ruined it with the video for ‘Aroused’. It really wouldn’t matter if nicotine was addictive or not because you would all keep buying them in the hope that your miserable and ugly bodies could one day be transformed into this.

The man knows what music videos need and he has filled his with exactly that; hot people. They might not all be conventionally attractive, but then Tom Vek isn’t conventionally cool and here he is with easily one of the most satisfying videos of the year so far. Give the man a VMA already. The formula for success which Tom has so incredibly cottoned on to is simplicity. He reflects his topic without printing the words on the screen. A nice monotone video of attractive people starts off polite and gets slightly more unhinged as everybody gets slightly more aroused. And while having smoke blown in your face might make you throw up and slap the smoker in real life, on video, it’s sublime.

Click here to see the first pro-smoking campaign ever.

The next could learn a few things from Mr. Vek. We thought we liked them for a split second a few years ago, but then we realised they just bored us into submission; yes readers The Subways are back. The lead single ‘It’s A Party’ from their new album Money and Celebrity, neither of which they have, is anything but a party and breaks the cardinal rules of party songs.

First of all Bobby, nobody knows who the other members are or indeed cares. Don’t be telling us how awesome your own party is, because it makes you sound like a dick. Secondly, never mention sweat, especially in the context of “it don’t get much sweatier” because it really is nauseating. Thirdly, don’t write a party song when nobody likes your stupid band. For their video they tried to give a sense of this ‘party’ attitude with a tour mash-up; they even leave in some crowd sounds to show how much fun everyone had. If you start to feel tired quickly press pause and watch the Tom Vek video again.

If you feel like sleeping.

How is it that music videos where people just walk down streets, not like The Verve, being mean to passers-by are always good?

We’re not sure, but we’d like to leave our dingy little bedsit and start some shit with the fuzz one day. Until we work up the nerve, a man who looks like a less baby-faced version of Akon is doing it with Tyler, The Creator; his name is Pusha-T and you might know him as part of the Hip-Hop posse (duo) Clipse.

On this new track ‘Trouble On My Mind’ the guys get their troubles off their minds by egging two guys who don’t understand that moving would end their humiliation. They also watch some girls make out for no apparent reason in-front of their car, wearing ski-masks, and taking up the entire road on vehicles not meant for it.

Clearly these men are stuck in a state of rebellion, or that’s just how it is in America in times of national debt; you got to get your enjoyment somewhere.

Be forever young and ridiculous right here.

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Does anybody actually like music anymore? It seems that not only audiences and the business men have given up on it, but musicians themselves. Literature and art, real art that involves more than computers, have movements with the words ‘modern’ and ‘post’ often involved, the music industry in comparison is just a retrospective of its own past: post-success you could say, but we wouldn’t say anything like that for fear of sounding like a complete douchebag.

Modern music then is a paradox, but we’ll show you some ‘new’ videos anyway by some bands you could care less about, but hey at least they all sound like something you’ve heard before. It’s like one big radio friendly comfort blanket.

hecklerspray got lots of recommendations this week from friends and drunken men on trains, but first let’s go back into the depths of time when you thought you liked The Mystery Jets. You know they had that second album that involved blazers, pastel colours, and obviously, 80’s electronica, you listened to it once and then realised you didn’t really care about The Mystery Jets because the singer had a funny head.

Well you can be thankful he isn’t going solo just yet, but Kai Fish is; he’s one of the ones you’ve never heard of before. His first single ‘Cobalt Cheeks’ is nice and depressing; it probably laments something terrible, the frailty of life perhaps or as every other sad song in the world does, a lost love. More importantly the video which is a series of transparent images over which Kai moves teaches us three things.

One: Sometimes you can have too many transparent images. If the video stayed as it was in the first 30 seconds just a transparent Kai over a transparent anonymous woman this would have been very effective, as it is nobody wants to see a shabby looking transparent couch.

Two: Kai Fish looks ever so slightly like a bohemian Aaron Johnson after that cradle snatcher got her hands on him and forced him into giving her a child.

Three: Kai Fish also looks a bit like Gael Garcia Bernal. Note these lookalikes depend on the transparency of the image and distance from the camera.

You can watch the video for Cobalt Cheeks here

Thurston Moore, the brains behind Sonic Youth, is still strumming away making noisy distorted music for the fans of his old band that are still alive and us young knowledgeable folks who feel good about ourselves by knowing as much music history as possible. ‘Circulation’ is his newest single and thus video; it’s, you know, not bad. We here at hecklerspray expected more from such a fine fellow; it’s artistic sure, it’s authentic too, but it’s just lacking a little bit of excitement and guts, we wanted story. Slow motion dancing is great too though.

You can see some ladies dance in Thurston’s video by clicking here.

Now the drunken man’s pick of the week are a little family band from Teeside called Cattle and Cane. That sentence tells you everything you need to know about this band. If you have heard The Fray then you have heard Cattle and Cane. The video shot by a friend of theirs, Ryan Geddis, is for ‘Sold My Soul’ which could easily be their signature song if the drunken man spoke the truth when saying “they are signing with universal, is that right, do they do music?”

Anyway, the video is low budget as you might expect for an unsigned band, but then the movie Monsters was low budget and that was phenomenal, this is… well, it’s not. This is a series of stereotypical images involving the hills, violins, and sheep.  Okay so there isn’t actually any sheep, but there might as well be. While the video is a bit clichéd you will be kicking yourself that the battered man was right when he said “it’s stuck in your head now innit?” yes sir this ridiculously catchy power-pop is stuck in our heads.

Watch a new faux folk superstar learn to crawl here.

Somehow the world has had a proverbial hat pulled over its eyes and we have just figured out what you have been missing. We apologise to Enter Shikari for ruining their career, but how has nobody noticed that they are just Limp Bizkit? HOW? Please if you noticed this earlier then write to us because it’s a horrible thing to have suddenly creep up on you, but with ‘Quelle Surprise’ the first single from their new live album creatively titled ‘Live From Planet Earth’ their façade come crumbling down. They might not use the same poser rap as Fred Durst and co, but it’s the same thing with Rou Reynolds taking the role of leader while the rest of the band spew out a concoction of trance and hardcore that is left over from the Nu-Rave days of yesteryear.

The video also has a still of what happened when Steven Tyler was let loose on set. We’ve hated people for less. Rou hits the camera with his hand and people frantically swing guitars around their necks, it’s just not allowed and we don’t see why Limp Bizkit should take all the blame when these guys are right there doing the same thing. What makes it worse is if you get to 3:20 in the track you will realise that Rou can actually sing, but clearly chooses not to in favour of screaming at you. We are going to take away your dreams fellas, no matter how much you tell us not to.

If you feel that way inclined, have a look where it all went wrong here.

WHY IS JESSIE EISENBERG IN THE WANTED?

hecklerspray watching videos by the shittest pop bands in existence so you don’t have to.

The Wanted are just a confusing group of boys that nobody understands and their video directed by self-confessed Director X is like watching Donkey Punch in four minutes. It has yachts, girls, shorts, pools, and sunsets, but it doesn’t just show you these things it shows them at the moment when they are mentioned in the lyrics in case you didn’t get it. It is a confusing song to be fair and clearly The Wanted has recognised that the brain capacity of their target audience is collectively smaller than all the smarts Carol Vorderman has in her toe; her little toe at that. We’re not linking you to this because it’s the worst thing eyes have ever had the misfortune to witness and we beg you not to go in search of it. You have been warned, the rest is up to you.

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Well it seems society is in the process of having a mental breakdown this week as the News Of The World, any politician that was ever important, Rebekah Brooks, the Murdoch Regime, and Andy Coulson are fed to the wolves and the users of Twitter for this phone hacking business.

We look forward to reading all about their various messages and inner most thoughts, that they carelessly left lying around in a locked safe, in The Sunday Sun.

So while all that’s been going on, the shambles that is the music business has been quietly churning out videos for bands you’ve never heard of and The Pigeon Detectives, who are apparently ‘back’. Nobody told us.

It’s a terrible week to be a musician, never mind make a comeback or, rather, attempt to make a comeback. Not only is everyone waiting for Rebekah Brooks’ hair to burst into flames and reveal a cyborg with a Murdoch Corp military grade weapons system where a brain should be, but the final segment of Harry Potter is bull rushing its way into every cinema in the universe.

Wait! If NOTW is closing down does this mean we can’t get our free wizarding sticker books and cut out scars? Bollocks.

Anyway, The Pigeon Detectives are well and truly Avada Kedavra’ed. After the success of McFly on The Cube a few weeks ago we think it should become the first band challenge show and if you don’t go at least five rounds you aren’t allowed a record contract.

Back to music videos then and The Pigeon Detectives manage to be even more average than they sound. ‘Lost’ is a mediocre top five single in waiting, but a live video, really guys? Really? It even has a grainy filter over the camera lens to make it look more vintage. It’s not even bad, just unnecessary. They show us shots of people clapping and queuing up outside the O2 Arena which would be believable if this wasn’t The Pigeon Detectives.

2008 was three years ago now and yet the members of this band seemingly haven’t had a haircut which means you still have to look those curls in the eye and wish Matt Bowman would get some terrible, debilitating disease. This is a terrible music video that doesn’t even deserve the moniker, it has less imagination than the song, and the four year old boy who looks so happy when handed a set-list should be ashamed. In fact a much better video would be him tied to a chair with someone just tearing the set-list up in front of him while he cries.

WATCH THE PIGEON DETECTIVES VIDEO HERE

That person you all know is a Crazy Bitch has a new single out this week. If you guessed Avril Lavigne then you’re right on the money as the amazingly ‘punk’ princess sets about shattering your ears and sense of self-worth with ‘Smile’.

And, as well as being hot, she’s got a message and everything as she wanders the streets collecting bits of broken red glass; a metaphor for her heart which, if you listen to and decipher the lyrics, has been stolen. If you were stupid enough not to understand that then don’t worry Avril explains it all, not as well as Clarissa might, with a shot of a lovely heart shaped piece of glass at the end. Her hair is black and green because she is punk rock and she uses spray paint and swears like the cool kids do.

Like any true artist Avril Lavigne shows us she is deep by using black and white scenes in her video. It’s too emotional to say more, but when that woman smiles good god you will be overwhelmed.

WATCH AVRIL LAVIGNE’S VIDEO HERE

In a land where music is innocent, happy and fun The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart reign supreme and the video for their single ‘The Body’ is everything the song indicates it will be; sun-kissed. Queue montage of growing up.

WATCH THE PAINS OF BEING PURE AT HEART HERE

What’s brilliant about this video is how it manages to take every advert ever made and wrap it into one four minute sales pitch for a better life. Lovely.

Bloody hell Steven Tyler we love you. If you haven’t seen the video for his new song ‘(It) Feels So Good’ then you have permission to leave and watch it on a loop for the rest of the day. Gobsmacked is an understatement.

This is classic Tyler having sex with the camera through his clothes, he even has the same microphone stand with the scarves tied round it; it must be the same stand and not that he just transports the scarves so don’t even think those sort of ludicrous thoughts. This video is the best thing eyes have ever seen; it has monkeys, birds, elephants, leather, and the most successful stripper in modern music, Nicole Scherzinger. Oh yeah and a reference to Shakespeare.

As well as all of that, did you really think it was over? Steven Tyler can be seen slapping a ladies bottom. There really is nothing better than ageing disgracefully and never let anybody tell you otherwise.

WATCH STEVEN TYLER’S VIDEO HERE

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY LAUREN MULLINEAUX WHO HAS A SURNAME WE MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO SPELL CORRECTLY WITHOUT CHECKING

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