This column is coming to you now because it’s Christmas and that’s a time of giving and moral empathy and we couldn’t not share our joyous life with you. None of these videos are real, we hope you realise that, they are mere clip shows of the fragments of our fabulously wealthy lives where nobody works and everybody has sexual encounters which disfigure their daily routine—which is exactly why Noel Gallagher is being streamed directly into your pelvis.
Except it’s not Christmas is it? It’s December effing the second! Which means there are many doors on your Lego Star Wars advent calendar to be opened before you get a lump of coal and many tireless hours of hearing ‘Fairytale of New York’, tediously throwing up mulled wine before your family sits around a cheap table not talking about how Daniel is on anti-psychotics and mummy cries herself to sleep at night after eating three bars of Galaxy from her secret chocolate box under the bed.
No, there won’t be any Christmas songs here – not until December 24th when it’s okay to just post clips of Tim Allen.
Manchester has arguably always been a trendsetter in the world of musical cutting edgery. It has produced many famous bands, almost all of whom come from outside of Manchester.
Anyway, one man definitely from Manchester, Noel Gallagher has released a short film to accompany his High Flying Birds thing.
Ride The Tiger is a whole new calibre of music video because it’s… well… a really long thing that imagines America through the eyes of someone who has barely been outside of a tour-arranged hotel room, shot through Hipstamatic. Oh, and has Russell Brand stroking his penis everywhere.
Noel might be singing, “If I had a gun I’d shoot a hole into the sun,” but you’ll be wishing he’d shoot the hole in his mouth by the time he’s done.
Here. Watch it yourself, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
It’s hard to believe other music videos came out this week, but apparently life moves on. Not that there’s any point, but Tom Vek released a music video. ‘Someone Loves You’ is directed by a French man and thus is pretty, minimalist and oozes cool like everything Mr. Vek does.
Nothing happens, obviously, it’s just the best dressed man in music standing in a white room with the colour red moving around him in various different ways as he so pertinently says, “No fun, no fun,” where are the convertibles and the deserts and the diners huh Tom? Where are they?
We’ve heard so much about Slow Club and how they’re really interesting people who make good honest music, but until now, we had never bothered to look into this claim. Don’t worry though good readers, with the video for ‘If We’re Still Alive’, the duo have debunked all myths about being interesting et al.
Basically, they’ve made a video with live footage (WOW!) and, get this, seemingly the off-cuts of Noel’s cod-road movie.
There are no more music videos this week — Nicola Roberts doesn’t count. None. Zilch. Noel usurped them all into a big mass of massiveness and he’s not even sorry.
Next week we’ll be watching Liam Gallagher’s 40 minute western response video coming to you in the form of swears; if Carlsberg made music videos…