Rapping isn’t easy. Your average hip-hop track has an album’s worth of words, which across the whole of a hip-hop long player, is an astonishing amount of lyrics and themes to tackle. The best switch between styles, influenced by reggae toasters, jazz scats and some even invent their own envelope to push.

However, there’s a whole host of really rotten rappers out there who spit the prose in the most clunky, rhythmless manner. It’s pretty bad when you, a bona fide hip hop superstar, can be outrapped by The Anfield Rap.

No matter though! You would-be superstars of hip hop need not worry because we have a list of dreadful MCs to look at so you can learn from their mistakes. Avoid what they do, and you could be the next Tyler the Creator or Rakim!

But first thing’s first. How do you rap fast?

Well, nerd-hop superstar in the making, Watsky, has got together with a goat in SanFran and delivered a super quick advert for the Samsung SH100 in what may well be the fastest how-to guide ever made.

Basically, it’s a dinky device which is WiFi enabled, so you can snap and share your awful photographs really easily. Almost like a mobile phone.

So, here’s our nerd-hop star rapping really quickly about a camera. With a goat.

So, you’ve seen someone rapping really speedily. What about the slowest of the slow? Well, if you think we’ve missed any out, feel free to swear at us in disgust in the comments. Here’s our pantheon of lame.

Shaquille O’Neal

Shaq was under the illusion of greatness when he performed ‘I Know I Got Skillz’. That may well have been true on the basketball court, but on the mic… well… see for yourself.

Dee Dee Ramone

More ill-advised than Shaq was the Ramones’ Dee Dee who, under the name Dee Dee King, made one of the most hilariously awful rap records ever. Not only that, but his voice sounds less like an easy, rhythmical flow, but rather, Cartman in a headlock.

Kanye West

Kanye is a slow, slow rapper. This is underlined in this friendly freestyle battle with Mos Def. Watch Mos’ polite laugh and praise as Kanye trips over his ego and tongue repeatedly.

Mr T

Ah, Mr T. The archetypal bad rapper. Perhaps this is the worst tribute to mothers around the world, ever.

Turbo B

“I’m the lyrical Jesse James” cried Turbo B of Snap! Jesse James was shot in the head while dusting by a man with TB who topped himself in a tent. Mad skillz.

Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle

Sports stars should rarely sing. This Chicago Bears rap is probably the worst of the bunch (only marginally pipping this atrocity from Basil Boli and Chris Waddle). Just kick back and drink all this in.

Nelly

He had a band-aid on his face. This signified that his brain was held together by sticking plasters, hence the rap prowess of someone on a ward, coming out of heavy sedation.

Soulja Boy

Perhaps the slowest rapper of them all and, mystifyingly, a gigantic success. Honestly, no offence intended, but he raps like Marlee Matlin.

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Mr. T is putting together his Ultimate Workout Tunes playlist and he wants to know what songs help you get your sweat on.

T fans in the UK have already submitted their favourites and need your vote to shortlist the top 15 songs for T’s playlist. Check out the Facebook page to register your vote. Do it suckas!

What’s more, we have our own prizes to give away. To be in with a chance of winning one of five cases of Snickers and a year’s membership to Spotify, just send an email with SNICKERS! in the subject line to hello[AT]hecklerspray.com, including your name, address, email and telephone number. Winners will be notified by phone/email. UK readers only.

Mr T is an official friend of hecklerspray, as anyone who’s seen the video of him saying the word ‘hecklerspray’ and then growling like an angry dog can attest.

But what’s Mr T doing with himself these days? Why he’s hanging out as bus stops and shouting abuse at inconsiderate youngsters. Of course he is. It seems like quite a short-sighted tactic, though. If we knew that antisocial bus stop behaviour would result in Mr T talking to us, we’d probably urinate all over the seats on purpose. That’s how much we love Mr T.

The Mr T video is after the jump…

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10 - What’s that? You want a gallery of amazing mythical vegetables? Fine, here you go – Welovevegetables

9 - Perhaps the greatest response to an R Kelly song you will ever read – Mychemicaltoilet

8 - Brooke Hogan‘s new album cover is the single worst thing any of you will ever see - Amygrindhouse

7 - Some Very Important Headwear News – Interestment

6 - Public etiquette upon meeting females, as explained by a potential germaphobe - Shoutingatcows

5 – Here’s the end to your problems, you oniony wuss – Domesticsluttery

4 - Here’s our old friend Mr T singing a song about baseball - Bestweekever

3 - These fossils are quite breathtaking – Geekologie

2 - Oh Courtney Love, have you EVER made sense? - Twitter

1 – Here’s a video of the Beastie Boys from the other night. Not funny or thought-provoking, but we quite like the Beastie Boys, so shut up…

10 - Fair warning: any woman we marry will be forced to wear this electronic bra – Dollymix

9 - The best Mr T merchandise you will ever see. EVER – Toplessrobot

8 - Christ, Peter Andre‘s a bellend. Also, here’s a story about him - PopSugar

7 - Oh, former presidents of America. You were all so very fat – Pointlessbanter.

6 - Clearly, this is going to be the best film ever made – Filmdrunk

5 - Who’s stupider than Lindsay Lohan? Correct, Lindsay Lohan’s burglars – PopEater

4 - Pictures of zombies. Just because – Abduzeedo

3 - Revealing psychological tests. Memorise these for the next time you’re arrested for trying to clean a shop window with your penis – Brainz

2 - Seaweed: the ninja of the sea. It says here – I Am Bored

1 – Places never to park if you want to masturbate in your car. Number one…

EMBED-Sunroof Fail – Watch more free videos

So here it is. They said it could never happen. It almost didn’t happen. But welcome to the brand new, all-singing, all dancing hecklerspray 2.0.

As you can see, the site’s been tweaked here and there – the navigation is a little easier, there’s a carouselly thing on the right hand side and things generally don’t look like they were thrown together by a cack-handed pensioner who’d never seen a computer before. Oh, and it’s whiter.

After the jump: more explanation and THE GREATEST CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE…

We’re still ironing out the odd kink in the system here and there, so it’ll take a few days to get everything looking completely shipshape. In the meantime, though, do let us know what you make of it – you’re the ones who have to look at the bloody thing, after all.

And, you know, it’s only a matter of time before we do a Facebook and start ripping off Twitter, so make the most of hecklerspray looking like this while you still can.

Anyway, sermon over. Now, as promised, here’s our new celebrity friend to tell you all of the above in a more succinct and generally amusing way:

As everyone now knows, Mr T is now a firm friend of hecklerspray, in that he spoke to one of us for five minutes a fortnight ago and then did something funny that we’ll show you soon.

You’re not famous enough to be friends with Mr T, but that doesn’t mean you can’t win some of his bling. As part of this big promotion of his, Snickers has decided to give away a bunch of Mr-T Snickers medallions to anyone who does the following…

1 - Go to this Facebook page and become a fan

2 - Write on the wall and mention that hecklerspray sent you.

3 - Get sent a medallion within six weeks.

Oh, and you have to be a UK resident over 13 years of age to enter. So sorry Mum.

As some of you may have heard, Mr T is in town, promoting either his new masculine manifesto or some delicious chocolate bars.

Who can really say which one is true with any certainty? Well, we can. Mr T is in the UK to promote Snickers. But that’s beside the point, because it meant that hecklerspray’s Keith Emmerson could hang out with the great man twice – first to have a Polaroid picture taken with Mr T before a man with arms literally the size of a dead cow shoved him away, and then two days later at a hotel where he actually got to ask Mr T some questions.

This footage is all that survives from the meeting…

If we had the chance to meet Mr T, we’d literally collapse in excitement and piss ourselves until our bladder was dry. However, after watching his latest commercial, we’d really just want to know where it all went wrong. 

We all know and love Mr T as B.A Baracus from The A-Team, where every week he’d literally go ape-shit on all the evil-doers and make sure they’d never trouble the orphanage, little Jimmy or your mum ever again. He’s such a hard bloke that we’d never dream of even challenging him to a game of paper, stones and scissors. Probably because he wouldn’t use any of those three tools. He’d just use the fourth weapon of pain to kick our arse. 

But now it all seems to have gone tits up for him. From the slightly amusing Snickers advert where he lobs a piece of chocolate at some girly footballer in a tank, he is now promoting nerd favourite World Of Warcraft. In this game, you get all sorts of magic shields, elves, swords and budgies to probably destroy some sort of warlord.

Back when he was popular, Mr T would probably beat up people for playing this sort of game. Obviously, money is low and he needs the cash to get that Mohawk looking pristine and he needs enough wax and industrial strength polish to get his chavtastic jewellery so sparkly that it will blind mere mortals whenever the sun's rays reflect off it.