America – you had your chance. Had you more respect for the Presley name, had you not referred to her poor father as ‘Fat Elvis’ every three seconds, and perhaps if you hadn’t completely snubbed every single one of her musical attempts, Lisa Marie may have been content to stay within your borders forever.

But no – you all only reminded her that she didn’t have constant access to fish wrapped in newspaper, dreary gray skies or pictures of the queen staring back at her from the face of all the currency in her pocket.

So she’s up and moved to England – and it may or may not have more to do with Scientology than all that other stuff we wrote up there.

If Scientology is ever gonna catch on in England, then they should send a beautifully gorgeous representative to act as an emissary – gathering converts under her wings while she patiently explains the theologies of L. Ron Hubbard through her cherry red, voluptuous lips.

That or they could just send Lisa Marie Presley to live there for a while, threatening the locals that if they don’t join she’ll pull out her Michael Jackson & Nicolas Cage wedding albums. Were that the case – we’d join. Yes, joining is a far better alternative to that kind of pain. Unless she photoshopped a picture that looked like Cage & Jackson actually married each other.

We’d look at that pic long before we spelled our name in the Scientology ledger.

By the way – we actually don’t know that Presley was sent abroad by her church. All the sites talking about her move to the old country happen to mention she just bought a mansion near the Scientology center. Some of the sites say her reasons for moving are far, far dumber. Check out this one from the Daily Mail:

“It is understood constant gossip surrounding her ex-husband Michael Jackson helped form Presley’s decision to flee America.”

She moved to the UK to stop hearing people wonder aloud if MJ was buried with his nose? We were more impressed when we thought she went with the intention of getting the royal family under Hubbard’s thumb. If it worked – imagine the spaceships Scientology could build with royal donations.

We don’t think she moved to avoid Jackson-oriented conversations or to form a Scientological stronghold. We think she moved to get the heck away from her father’s ghost. After all, a woman can only take that kind of thing hovering over her twins’ cribs so many times.

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We’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that this is the dullest Britney Spears story in the world.

Britney Spears is moving house. That’s roughly it. She lived somewhere, soon she’ll be living somewhere else and that’s it. On a Twitter post, Britney Spears claimed that she’d shown her kids around the new house and they apparently love it. This is the bad news.

The good news is that Britney Spears decided to sell her old home at the height of this economic crisis. We assume that means Britney Spears is still slightly mental. Win.

Traditionally Britney Spears likes to make a dent in the year as early as she can – last January she ended up being sectioned and the January before she ended up collapsing in a nightclub – but 2009 seems to starting with a bit of a damp squib as far as Britney Spears is concerned.

Where once there were stories of froth-mouthed tantrums and confusing baldness, now there are only stories about property investment. What’s more, they’re stories about property investment told in less than 140 characters, because Britney Spears has been talking about her new home on Twitter. OK! reports:

The luxury pad, reportedly worth £4million, is said to have a marble and glass mosaic pool, a cinema and a rose garden. And it’s a hit with sons Jayden James, 2, and Sean Preston, 3. ‘I just took my babies to our new home, and they loved it!,’ Britney writes on blogging site Twitter. ‘I can’t wait to move in.’

Interestingly, it’s thought that Britney Spears is only renting her new home while she builds a purpose-built mansion elsewhere. That’s actually not a bad idea, because a home that’s been specially designed would be able to house everything that Britney Spears needs – like a pool, a large playroom for her children, a dance studio, maybe some recording facilities, a padded room with a tethered bed in it in case Britney has another incident, a big cage for her father to keep her in all the time she isn’t touring or recording an album. That sort of thing.

But anyway, as enthralling as it is to hear about how Britney Spears is moving house, the important thing is that she’s now directly communicating with her fans via Twitter rather than, say, flapping her vagina around at them or relentlessly bullshitting on her website.

So let’s hope Britney Spears keeps this up – next thing you know she’ll be telling us about her curtains or the type of mustard she prefers the most. That’s as good as rubbing dogmuck on her dress and locking her own children in a bathroom, isn’t it? We literally can’t wait.

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