You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.

So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.

We should probably give you a spot of advance warning, here – it’s likely that December’s going to be pretty excruciating for everyone. Not only have we got a whole month of Jennifer Aniston promoting a movie to endure, but it’s a movie about a naughty dog. Oh, and the movie comes out on the same day as Brad Pitt’s new movie. So there’s going to be a lot of awkward overcompensatory crowing about contentment, and it’s going to be brutal for everyone.

Just for a taster, look what’s happened over the last couple of months – first Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie ‘uncool’, then everyone thought she was pregnant, then she proved she wasn’t by walking around in a tight sweater until everyone got a bit sick of her.

And Jennifer Aniston didn’t even have a movie out – that was all just because Angelina Jolie had a movie out and Jennifer didn’t want her to get all the headlines. So this month will be – what’s the word? – nightmarish.

It’s started already, too – and all because of those darned pregnancy rumours. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Jennifer Aniston seemed to do nothing but meditate on the idea of motherhood – about how much she wants a baby, about the reaction to the news that she was pregnant and that she thinks she’d be a good mother because she stood quite near a baby on the set of a movie once or something:

“It’s almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, ‘I’m pregnant!’ Everyone will be like, ‘Yeah, right.’ It’s the boy who cried wolf. Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!… ‘I feel like that’s in my future and I’m on the verge of it in some way – or it’s something I long for. So it was great to sort of dip your toe in it.”

Jennifer Aniston dipped her toe in it? Well no wonder she’s not pregnant yet – that’s not how it works at all. Someone buy Jennifer an educational book on sexual reproduction, for God’s sake, otherwise we’ll be here all day.

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But don’t invite your mother to your wedding just because the eternal bond of love you share makes you want her to share the happiest day of your life. Do it because if you don’t she’ll publicly will your marriage to fail and suggest that you only got married in the first place because your husband drugged you.

Because that’s what Heidi Montag’s mother did after Heidi married Spencer Pratt. Lady, there’s a seat warm at hecklerspray whenever you want it.

We have a small apology to make. In the past, we may have insinuated that nobody cared that The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married. We didn’t care about it, you didn’t care about it, none of the microcelebrities who commented on it cared about it and – now that we know the marriage wasn’t valid anyway – there’s a strong chance that not even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really cared about it either.

Or at least that was our assumption. In reality, though, there is one person who cares about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and that’s Heidi Montag’s mother Darlene Egelhoff. Darlene cares about the wedding a lot, just not in the traditional sense that people tend to care about weddings.

You may remember that Heidi Montag didn’t invite her mother to her wedding last month. This was apparently because Heidi was shitfaced on cocktails and in Mexico and there was only an hour between her deciding to get married and the actual wedding itself. But Heidi didn’t even tell Darlene about the wedding until it was over and, for that, Darlene has decided to speak out.

Wait, ’speak out’ is an acceptable definition for when you claim that the man your daughter married is an evil mind-controller who possibly drugs people into agreeing to embark on inevitably doomed marriages and who might literally be the devil, right? Usmagazine reports:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged… I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out. I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her.”

You know what? We never thought we’d say this, but Darlene Egelhoff’s berserk rant has actually made us feel a little bit sorry for Spencer Pratt. All he wanted to do was marry the woman he loved, and it’s opened a vicious schism in her family. Nobody wants to be disliked, especially by someone they’re technically related to, and Spencer Pratt certainly didn’t deserve to be on the end of an attack like that. Let’s see how the poor lug has reacted to it:

“I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill.”

OK, we take it all back. That man is such a turd.

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And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Nicole Kidman has been a mother for several years now, but that doesn’t count because a) her kids are adopted and b) they were adopted with Tom Cruise, which means they probably live in a cage with their eyes pinned open watching pro-Scientology propaganda interspersed with scenes from The Last Samurai. Probably.

So when Nicole Kidman gave birth to a baby daughter earlier this year, it was just like becoming a mother for the very first time. And with that birth came a wave of violently intense new emotions that Nicole Kidman had to deal with.

Admittedly you wouldn’t know it – over the last few years Nicole Kidman’s face has become so morbidly expressionless and bat-like that the only emotions she’s able to convincingly display are ‘ennui’, ‘mild displeasure’ and ‘corpse’ – but she has.

No, really, the birth of her baby has left Nicole Kidman in such a state that, as far as we can work out, she can’t stop crying because she’s always thinking about death. The Boston Herald reports:

“I’m raw and emotional… I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to (have a baby). To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it… It’s very bittersweet. Because at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent… now it’s very much about staying in the world.”

Thinking logically it won’t be too hard for Nicole Kidman to stay alive until her daughter’s 21st birthday because by then she’ll only be 62 years old. And it’s not like she’ll be exhausted by the pressures of work either – it’s been so long since Nicole Kidman made a film that anybody actually liked that she should probably start thinking about semi-retirement as it is.

Because, honestly, it seems as though Nicole Kidman has got such a good handle on this motherhood lark that she should probably turn her hand to writing parenting guides, starting with a book for new mothers in their forties entitled NO! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’M SO AFRAID! ARRRRRRGH!

Or something.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Both Angelina Jolie and Kerry Katona have come under fire for how they raise their children lately. Angelina Jolie got it in the neck because she recently bought her six-year-old son a knife, on the basis that she had a knife as a child and she didn’t grow up to be anything worse than a self-harming heroin user.

And then there’s Kerry Katona. People are wondering what sort of mother Kerry Katona is for all kinds of reasons, like her refusal to stop smoking or drinking during pregnancy, her recent bankruptcy, her bi-polar disorder, her history of drug use and, most importantly, this mental interview on This Morning yesterday.

The interview has already caused all kinds of responses. Kerry Katona’s husband says that she only looked so confused because she was late taking her anti-psychotic medication, Kerry Katona’s publicist says that he’s increasingly concerned about the state of her health and everyone else has started using the phrase “I’m a 28-year-old woman and I was on holiday in Spain” as an excuse for every single bad thing they’ve ever done.

So, with public scrutiny on Kerry Katona’s skills as a parent more intense than ever before, perhaps it wasn’t the cleverest thing to publish an article where Kerry Katona slags Angelina Jolie off for being a bad mother on the exact same day of her public meltdown. According to Now:

Kerry Katona has hit out at Angelina Jolie over recent reports she took her 7-year-old son Maddox to a knife shop. ‘My daughter Molly is the same age and I would never even think about doing the same,’ Kerry tells OK!. ‘I hate knives. Just because [Angelina's] mum took her to buy daggers when she was 11, it doesn’t mean she has to encourage her own kids.’

OK, to be fair, that’s not exactly what Kerry Katona said. We get the feeling the full quote was more like:

“Mydootor Mol… Mol… Murrrgh… Molly iszasamayjan AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH! AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEHINSPAIN! Imma twennyate yerold womma!”

But it was probably cleaned up a bit for publication.

Anyway, Kerry’s statement was published in OK! magazine, the publication that employs Kerry as a columnist, so actually the tirade against Angelina Jolie could be put down to Kerry Katona doing her job of reflecting on the week’s celebrity news.

Let’s hope that, because of this, Kerry Katona decides to only comment on things that won’t instantly make her look like a messed-up lunatic devoid of any self-awareness from now on. And if that means we don’t get to hear her fascinating insights on ‘Wow, that Muhammad Ali slurs his speech a lot!’ and ‘Is it just me, or does Rhys Ifans look like he stinks of booze?’ then so be it.

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.

We might be wrong here, but we get the horrible feeling that Paris Hilton is starting to grow up. No longer does she spend her days idly flitting between making obscene internet films of herself and getting thrown in jail for driving around shitfaced. Instead, Paris Hilton has become quite the model of sophistication.

How sophisticated is Paris Hilton? So sophisticated that when she launches her own tawdry MTV reality TV show she has the nous to accompany it with her own tawdry song which, we think you’ll find, is a level of sophistication right up there with taking tea on the bombardier’s croquet lawn.  And, as such, Paris Hilton has declared herself ready for motherhood. People reports:

“I definitely want three or four [children],” she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister’s birthday. As for a timeline? “Soon,” she said. “Maybe a year or two.”

But, listen, we don’t want you to worry that this is some sort of mind-destroying mating call from Paris Hilton. She doesn’t want you to strut about naked in her front garden or wank through her letterbox or anything like that, because Paris Hilton is perfectly happy and settled with Benji Madden from Good Charlotte.

So at least there’ll be an interesting level of anticipation should Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have a baby. Will the child gain be half-Paris and half-Benji and grow up learning from their collective wisdom, or will it get lucky and be kidnapped at the maternity ward, dumped in a forest and raised by wolves? We’ll be on the edge of our seats when the time comes.

Of course, we’re only joking here. Paris Hilton looks like she’d be a very good mother, and then knowledge she’d impart on her baby would be monumental. It wouldn’t be able to read or anything, granted, but at least it would be able to say “That’s hot” whenever it was hot. Or whenever it wasn’t hot. Or when it was hungry. It’d have a two-word vocabulary, basically.

This is new information recently come to light due to some guy’s brand new money-grubbing book. Well, actually the reverse information came out in his book, meaning of course that tucked away in one of his chapters is a little segment where Lennon wanted to fertilise all of Paul’s lady-eggs in the worst way.

Since the book came out someone asked Paul point blank if it was true – and he said aside from a little light necking, John had never, ever expressed any such desires.

Or something like that anyway. We’re actually not sure if that ‘necking’ part was really in McCartney’s answer or not.

The babies John Lennon and Paul McCartney made together were musical ones – and chart climbers at that. There was absolutely no semen involved, and none of the vinyl records ever divided into zygotes. If they had we probably would have noticed baby bumps on one of the two men. Or possibly both.

We’re not really sure how it works when two gay men decide to make a baby together. If it’s twins, sure, why couldn’t they each carry one? If not now, then maybe in the future when science has successfully made plaster wombs that are surgically implantable just above a gentleman’s menstruating gonads.

Anyway – there’s an author named Philip Norman who calls himself a Beatles biographer. He just wrote a gay themed book (called John Lennon: The Life) about Lennon and McCartney, and in it he says, according to the Sun:

“…that John wanted to form a gay relationship with Macca.”

The book also claims their best songs were written:

“…while McCartney & Lennon had their nipples slathered in mustard and firmly pressed together.”

Many creative liberties taken on that second quote. That first one is the real deal though! Isn’t that exciting?!

McCartney denies it all flat out:

“I don’t think (the gay claims) are true. John never ever tried anything, I slept with him a million times. I’ve seen him on tour roaring drunk, out of his mind in the early days before he sobered up and went to rehab. Roaring drunk and it was always with a female, never once. If you’ve got a little gay tendency and your roaring drunk I’d have caught him once.”

Well that’s a blow to the gay community, but a boon to those of us who love Freudian-incest. We meant those of you. Well that last sentence must be confusing. But maybe this next quote, also about the new book’s content, will explain things:

“It also accuses the legendary singer of fantasising about having sex with his own mother.”

In John’s defence, his mother had her hair done at least weekly, and her lips were perfectly plump.

As the story goes, McCartney and Yoko Ono are pretty ticked about John’s newfound man-drooling, mother humping ways, and they deny everything outright.

But their edit wouldn’t move as many copies now, would it?

That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.

And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?

We’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell would be excellent with a baby. Not only because people are infinitely more understanding if an angry demented women happens to be pushing a buggy but also, if Naomi Campbell asks the midwife to leave the umbilical cord nice and long, she could probably use the baby against her enemies by twirling it around her head like some sort of medieval mace for a few years. What’s not to love?

Anyway, Naomi Campbell has managed to tick off most of the boxes on her life’s to-do list – you know, like shag the crap one from U2, infuriate Nelson Mandela, become a pop star in Japan, turn a boat into splinters with just her fists – and the only left is for her to have a baby. And now that could very well happen, apparently.

Remember when Naomi Campbell had her operation in Brazil earlier this year? Back then everyone thought she was just getting a cyst removed from her stomach, but apparently not – apparently they were unclogging her lady-drain. Because where once Naomi Campbell couldn’t have babies, now she’s perfectly able to bang out angry baby after angry baby whenever she likes. And she’d like to now, please. Naomi Campbell told the Press Association:

“Until March, I wasn’t able to have kids. Now I can. I was not able to have children up until March. Now it’s in God’s hands. I would love to have a family but it’s up to God. I do want to have kids. I’m 38 years old.”

That’s not a statement, that’s a Craigslist personal ad. Naomi Campbell then went on to say that her favourite colour is orange and that her hobbies include needlework, attacking her servants until they bleed and daydreaming about the magic in a child’s smile.

But if a child is what Naomi Campbell wants, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to have one. In fact, it’d be quite cool to have Naomi Campbell as a mother, wouldn’t it? She’d teach you all the basic skills like English, maths and spitting on policemen, plus all your teachers would clearly be too terrified of her to ever write anything negative about you in your school report. Not to mention the fact that, being part-Campbell yourself, you’d probably have the strength to javelin a lamppost through the Sun by the time you were about six.

Ultimately, though, if Naomi Campbell does have a baby, there’s going to be a whole lot of screaming and crying and constant demands for attention and accidental shitting going on that’s bound to be highly stressful. But give the baby an few months and it’ll probably get used to it.

So there’s obviously no better time to publish a book about Britney Spears; primarily her struggle with mental illness and her amazing revival. Admittedly it’s still early days – Britney could have a relapse tomorrow and start throwing animals off motorway bridges, rendering the whole book obsolete – but there’s nothing like striking while the iron’s hot, is there?

That’s what Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears thinks, because her Britney Spears book Through The Storm comes out next week. Copies have already leaked, and it seems it’s more about what a brave and inspiring mother Lynne is than anything else. Which is true – Lynne Spears has bravely inspired us never to have kids in case we end up raising them as terribly as she’s done with hers.

We’ve always thought that Lynne Spears was an excellent mother. No really, we did. It must be harder than it looks to have two children and then deprive them of a normal childhood so that you can relentlessly pursue your dream of living vicariously through your childstar offspring, only to watch it blow up in your face when they become so maladjusted to real life that one of them gets knocked up while still at school and the other one shaves her hair off in public and calls herself the devil.

For that, Lynne Spears deserves a medal. It’s true.

She won’t get one, of course, so second-best is her new book Through The Storm. You might remember Through The Storm as the parenting guide that Lynne Spears was going to publish right before Britney went barmy and Jamie Lynn got herself pregnant. Well, realising that reading a parenting guide by Lynne Spears would be a bit like reading Dr Harold Shipman’s Guide To Looking After Granny, Lynne scrapped that idea and decided to retool the book as an explosive tell-all.

We already knew that the book would claim that Britney Spears was sex-and-drugged to the wazoo by the time she was 15, but now the Associated Press has managed to snatch a look at a preview copy of the Through The Storm, and has given it a little summary. SPOILER ALERT: Britney Spears goes a bit mental near the end:

In “Through the Storm,” Lynne Spears presents herself as a loving, selfless (she gave up her job as a school teacher for her daughter’s sake) but increasingly powerless parent. After the jolting, but pleasant surprise of Britney Spears’ debut smash, ” … Baby One More Time,” Lynne Spears says she felt she was losing control when a 1999 Rolling Stone magazine story featured a racy cover of the singer in panties and a bra.

And that’s where it all went wrong, you see. Not several years earlier when Lynne Spears decided to bring Britney up in the public spotlight to ensure that she’d constantly spend the rest of her craving approval from strangers – or when she let Britney Spears’ first video involve schoolgirl uniforms and creepy allusions to sexual violence – but when she got her bra out in a music magazine. Sounds fair.

Anyway, none of that matters any more because, as we all saw at the MTV VMAs on Sunday night, Britney Spears is absolutely back, completely well and as clear-headed and normal as you could ever wish to be. We know this for a fact because she didn’t have lipstick smeared all over her face and wasn’t arbitrarily lunging at children and making them cry.

Lynne Spears must be kicking herself about that, because now Through The Storm looks like an uplifting story about courage in the face of adversity, and we hear she was really going for the whole ‘ghoulish car-crashy exploitative last shot at fame’ demographic. Shame.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray’s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

The possibility of us having something to get up for in the morning again came about through an interview with Phelps’ mother, which was being conducted by Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush. As the interview was ongoing, Bush received a text from our former favourite walking train wreck Lindsay concerning the half-fish, half-fish swimmer:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Now that’s the Lindsay Lohan we want to know – the one that swears and is ballsy (or stupid) enough to text someone something like that, during a live interview with the man’s mother, which resulted in the text being shown to Phelps’ mama. Lovely stuff.

Surprisingly enough, Phelps’ mummy reacted to the fact that a once-off the rails starlet, now boring apparent lesbian had sent the text with a mild amount of shock and surprise:

“OK, Lindsay! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Obviously on being shown a similar message from Lindsay Lohan, any mother would have the same reaction. And seeing as she’s a quasi-lesbian but probably still likes blokes as well, that means any mother of any person in the world has to be on the lookout for Lohan-related textual stalking.

Though we are still waiting on ours. Come on Lohan – you know you love us.

Maybe this is just Lindsay trying to tell the world she’s moved on from men, moved past women and is now on to the third of the sexes – the newly discovered third sex, simply known as ‘fish’, that Michael Phelps clearly belongs to.

She’s obviously well up for a bit of scaly fun. She wants a dishy-bit-of-fishy. She’s scaling down her options. She’d be gutted if she didn’t get him. She’s fishing for compliments. She’s… sorry. We got a bit carried away.

Regardless, if this is the newly-returned evil form of Lindsay Lohan showing its face, the whole of America simply has to be against her getting her claws into Michael Phelps. The best Olympian the country has produced, probably ever, cannot fall into the hands of the dark side. He just wouldn’t be able to swim when drunk/smacked up/fat/involved in car crashes/in rehab.

Make sure it doesn’t happen, people.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale allegedly has done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

Christian Bale is a fascinating actor, not just because he can completely transform his body to disappear into a role, but also because he refuses to discuss his personal life in interviews. This, Christian Bale claims, is because it would detract from the mysticism of the craft, but we’re not convinced.

Maybe Christian Bale doesn’t discuss his personal life in interviews because he’s a right old mental loony.

It seems plausible since, just a few days after his new Batman movie The Dark Knight became the biggest-opening movie ever, Christian Bale has been arrested on suspicion of kicking lumps out of his sister and 61-year-old mother. BBC News reports:

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said a 34-year-old man had been arrested in connection with an allegation of assault, and remained in custody. Mr Bale is alleged to have lashed out at his mother and sister in his suite at London’s Dorchester Hotel on Sunday.

We know. It makes no sense whatsoever, does it?

Christian Bale has never really given off any signs of having a barmy side to him, and this week – the week that The Dark Knight became a genuine phenomenon – should have been one of the happiest of Bale’s life.

Having said that, we like to attack members of our family in times of great joy as well – we got three numbers on the lottery a couple of months ago and we were so happy that we took a cricket bat to granny’s shins. Plus every time hecklerspray wins an award we go out and cheerfully drown a nephew in the river. So we can totally see where Christian Bale is coming from. If he did it, of course.

Of course, Christian Bale hasn’t been charged yet, so it’d be wrong to assume that he’s guilty of anything. It could all just be a giant misunderstanding.

Or perhaps Christian Bale just sank so deep into the psyche of one of his characters that he reacted in a way that was completely unlike him. In which case we’re probably right in thinking that the pervading theme of Batman 3 will involve Batman throwing a great big mardy sulk when his mum comes round and tells him that he’s getting a little bit too big for his boots.

So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No – according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that’s stolen the rest of your life and won’t respond to reason or logic is fun.

We’re referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears’ new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that’s thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable ‘I hate my baby and wish it was never born’ postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.

There’s nothing that thrusts someone into maturity quite as fast as parenthood. Take Britney Spears for example. Before she gave birth to her first baby, Britney was a slip of a girl who couldn’t be trusted to make any decision for herself. But since she became a mother, Britney Spears has… no, wait, bad example.

Let’s take her sister Jamie Lynn Spears instead, then. True, Jamie Lynn may have shocked the world by getting pregnant while she was still at school to an older boy she met at church, but that mistake of hers has resulted in the creation of a new life that, while technically a Spears, still almost qualifies as completely human.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her little bundle of sexual irresponsibility, a little girl named Maddie, last month. Since having her baby, Jamie Lynn Spears has been quietly sheltering it from media attention by raising it in Mississippi with her boyfriend, who may or may not be a ‘lying, cheating dog‘.

But now that baby Maddie is past that that all-important ‘10 days old’ mark, Jamie Lynn Spears has rightly guessed that now’s a good enough time to run screaming to the nearest magazine and blab endlessly about the tot for cash.

Which she has – this week’s OK! magazine has a cover featuring Jamie Lynn Spears and her new baby, and an interview with the new mother inside.

But before you start getting all judgmental about how it’s morally wrong to sell out a baby to a magazine when it’s too young to give its consent, think again.

Ever since she announced her pregnancy, Jamie Lynn Spears has had to battle presumptions that she’s too young to become a mother, and this OK! interview was the perfect chance for her to explain her feelings in a measured, well thought-out manner that would leave nobody questioning her emotional maturity.

So, Jamie Lynn Spears, the floor is yours. What profound insights can you give us on the subject of motherhood?

“I love taking care of her. It is so much fun. I just want to hug her and kiss her, and I’m happy all the time.”

Oh.

Well, never mind. Don’t forget that Jamie Lynn Spears is still only 17 years old, so you can’t expect her to be able to verbalise her thoughts as lucidly as others. Besides, it looks very much like Jamie Lynn Spears wants to be a full-time mother, and that means she won’t be starring in any more rubbishy TV shows. That baby really is a blessing.

So let’s just congratulate Jamie Lynn Spears on her new baby and pray it never succumbs to the mental illness issues that have plagued other members of her family.

But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce – where you go to prison if you deny it – some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.

And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'complete bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.

When Guy Ritchie married Madonna, his mother Lady Amber Leighton (OK, so maybe she was in charge of the posh side) knew that she wasn't so much losing a son as gaining a daughter-in-law – a daughter-in-law who's nearly as old as she is and once made a book about how brilliant she thinks her own genitalia is. Talk about hitting the jackpot.

However, perhaps Lady Amber Leighton loves Madonna a little too much, because she might just be the only person on the face of the earth not to realise that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna is on an expressway to the crapper.

You can't open a newspaper any more without being confronted with headlines about how Madonna and Guy sleep in separate bedrooms or how Madonna has hired Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer , or how Guy Ritchie is so depressed that he's taken to hanging around with Sting in the hope that some residual smugness rubs off on him or something. It really looks as if Madonna's marriage to Guy Ritchie is all but over.

We know, we're surprised too – who'd have thought that a woman who once wanked herself off in front of the Pope doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage? But Guy Ritchie's mother isn't having any of it, as Fox News reports:

Lady Amber Leighton called the reports "works of fiction" and said that "they are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes. But like other couples they work at keeping their relationship happy and fresh." She then said she "spoke to Guy this morning, not about divorce but about a new feature film project he has got under way. There’s no conversation about divorce because there is no divorce."

See? That's the sort of unbeatable logic that shows why Guy Ritchie's mum is a Lady and you're just a hopeless schlub who thinks that eating chips with a fork is the epitome of breeding – there can't be a divorce because there wasn't a conversation about a divorce. Genius! And, following those lines, since we haven't had a conversation about Eskimos, dolphins or our own ankles for a while, we've decided that they don't exist either. Take that, stupid non-existent foot-joint!

Anyway, we think that everyone's missed the main point of the story here – read Lady Amber Leighton's quote again. That's right – Guy Ritchie is going to make another film. It's far, far worse than any of us could have imagined. To the bunkers!

Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.

Warning: if you've just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you're bulimic – and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex – please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.

Kerry Katona's mother – 48 year old Sue Katona – is apparently unhappy with her portrayal in Kerry's recent literary opus Too Much, Too Young. She's aiming to write a new book in which she recounts how:

… she taught Kerry how to seduce men and then went on to steal her daughter's lovers.

Jesus wept.

That's not the only revelation that dear old Sue has to offer, though. Oh, no – anyone lucky/stupid/deserving-to-die enough to pick up a copy of her forthcoming book will learn that Kerry once offered sex in exchange for drugs when she was suffering dire financial circumstances. Presumably to the drug dealer with the world's lowest sexual standards, then. Either that or he had a real fetish for simpleton failed pop stars who seem to have escaped from Fraggle Rock's deformed birth ward.

Kerry is reported to be 'devastated' and – get this – can't believe that her mother would stoop so low. What's that, love? You're a bit surprised that someone who shares your genetic makeup – i.e. every cell poised to snatch and slurp at whatever half-arsed publicity it can find, no matter how risible or tasteless – might sell you down the river?

Maybe cut back on the coke, then, eh? That perspective should even out in no time.

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award“? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

We’ve just made a startling discovery – that blonde, old-type looking woman sporadically pictured partying with Lindsay Lohan in the tabloids is not actually Lindsay Lohan’s post-rehab mentor who is guiding our dear Lindsay back to a life of sobriety and health.

No, it’s her mom, Dina Lohan. And she is to be respected and revered for her accomplishments in mothering, you make no mistake. The Mingling Moms association of Long Island, NY, has found Dina Lohan to have crushed the competition in the very selective sets of Best Dye Job, Most Ineffectively Rehabilitated Children, Most Tabloid Appearances, Most Fame Whoring Ex-Husband, and this year’s new category: Most Likely to Cause Her World to Implode with a Shameless Reality Show.

Oh, come now. Before you hit that caps lock button for a pre-emptive ‘leave Lindsay Lohan and her family alone’ rant, know that we kid. We kid because we love. We love that as far as we can tell by reading one quote and doing no further investigating, the only basis the Mingling Moms organisation has for awarding Dina Lohan with an award is that she has a celebrity daughter. A spokesperson for the organization told OK!:

“We’re just honoring celebrities’ moms on Long Island. It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.”

It cannot be determined as of yet whether or not the organisation is kidding due to the inability of any of its members to form facial expressions thanks to the botox-plugged faces and facelifts up to their foreheads. Further details to come as story develops.

Okay, we’ll admit that Dina Lohan is a mother and has a celebrity child that she has managed to not let die for a certain amount of time. Well done, Dina! We’d like to recognise the runners up, Carrot Top and a half-eaten piece of toast, for their efforts as well.

Read more:

Dina Lohan: Mom Of The Year? – OK